[lovemy2boys]

I am an adoptive mom of two small boys (ages 4 and 6). Lately I have been reading the boards of all parts of the triad and I feel so sad for all the struggles/pain adoptees are going through and scared of how my boys may be affected in the future. Many of the posts I read talk about how adoptees feel like they never "fit" into their adoptive families; some feel they were treated differently by their afamilies because they were adopted. I understand these feelings, but nonetheless it worries me, as a mother, to think of the struggles my kids may face emotionally.

So my question is this: what can I do as a mother to help my boys? For the adoptees who feel like they never "fit in", is there something your aparents could have done to change this for you in any way? If you felt like you were treated differently, how so and what would have made things better? I ask these questions because I want to do the best job I can to help my boys work through their emotions. I know their may be pain/anger/hurt/confusion, but what can I do to make sure we aren't contributing to this?

We have open adoptions with both of our boys' bfamilies, so this will take away some of the "mystery". Are there any adoptees who were in open adoptions who have any advice? How can aparents help?

I would appreciate any feedback.

[winter444]

Hello,
I am an adoptee and also have an abrother.
My amom, actually I don't even like to say "adopted" mom as she IS my mom but just so you know who I'm talking about, I'll use amom!
We were all told from as long as I can remember that we were adopted, that we were "chosen", we were very loved, I remember feeling a little "different" around the age of 16 when I asked a lot of questions and my mom always talked to me about it.
It wasn't until a few years ago that I found out my dad's side of the family basically ignored us because we were adopted and I remember thinking what horrible people they were and thank god they weren't in our lives. We were very close to my a mom's side.
With so many adoptees there seems to be a common need, just a need "to know", I feel it's so important to be able to talk about everything, to be open.
One day, your son's may ask questions but in my abrother's case, he has never asked and gave all the info surrounding his adoption right back to my amom as he didn't want to know.
You are your son's mommy and always will be, just be open if they ask anything, I've heard of adoptees never getting answers, their aparents bad mouth their birth mother or being told they are adopted later in life, all huge no no's, that's asking for a whole boat load of trouble, wish I had more advice, you sound a lovely lady, many hugs....

[jrainbow]

Many of the adoptees who post were from closed adoptions, as I was. I always fit in with my afamily - the ideal "match" of the 50's was very good in my case. But my sister, who was also adopted (no relation) 2 years later, always felt out of place. She looked different and has a different temperment. But she has always been my sister - even though we are different.

My advice is to be open with your boys and answer any questions honestly, age appropriate. If they say something concerning their adoption seems silly - and it does to you too - acknowledge their feelings. The other advice is to love and celebrate their unique abilities, temperments, and their tendencies. This is advice for all parents - with bio or adopted kids.

I will tell you that both my sister and I had good childhoods and our aparents are and have always been Mom and Dad, even though we are both reunited. We have no bad feelings about being adopted. Being adopted was treated just like being a brunette - something that just is. You sound like a very caring Mom - I'm sure your boys will be fine with your support and love.

[carolynppk]

I was also from the closed adoption era and I never felt like I didn't fit. I credit my mom for speaking honestly and openly about my adoption. I have always felt blessed and chosen. I have always held my bmom is high regard.

I think honesty and openness is key. I think the only time I felt like I didn't fit was with extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) but I was born 1965, my parents got me in their early 40's as an infant (while many people today have children in their early forties, that was pretty rare back then) so my grandparents were born in the late 1800's. Adoption was viewed very differently by them and I can understand that it was a different era completely.

I think that you don't need to worry. Parents that are as involved and care about their children's well-being, you are on the right path. And not all adoptees go through pain/struggles from being adopted. Best wishes to you!!!

Carolyn

[annie1023]

I am an adult adoptee, from a closed adoption in the last 60;s. I have always known that I was adopted, but don't ever remember being told that I was. I have always felt very loved and believe I have grown into a well adjusted adult. I think if an adopted child is given love and support while growing up, the can be as normal or abnormal as any birth child. I think it has alot more to do with that individual, and how they are raised. Good luck with your children, and bless you for giving them a good home.

[lovemy2boys]

Thanks, everybody for your feedback. My DH and I just really want do "do right" by our boys and do our parts to make sure they are emotionally healthy.

I am generally confident in my parenting abilities, but then I will read something and think - wait...am I doing everything I possibly can?

Thanks again - you guys are wonderful!

[Wyrman332]

Hi all,

I'm going to chime in here and what I have to say might go against the grain.

I'm 29 years old, and I have to say that either way, I face a challenging life. I've had several serious relationships that I wound up sabotaging because of my fear of divorce and further rejection.

My life is a constant battle because I am so angry with those who made decisions for me. I dont' think I can ever enjoy a happy life with my AMom, let alone the rest of the family. Forget about my ADad as he has his own children now to focus on and really has never made me feel welcomed. Rejection is just a way of life for me. My job is the only thing I take pride in because I'm good at what I do and I feel like I fit in there. Social life isn't good because I cannot find my niche in the crowd to be with. Haven't been able to find a shrink yet, out here in San Jose, CA that's willing to help me either. I belong to Kaiser Permanente as my HMO and they refuse to even mention the word adoption to me.

Ok whew I rambled there, sorry. Bottom line, I WISH I WAS NEVER TOLD! Sure I would have been curious, but to know that not a single person around me was of my own blood, really messed me up in my life. Don't know if anyone will agree, but I think sometimes things are better left unsaid.

[gemini678]

Hello Everyone,

I am a 29 yr old adoptee. For the most part I felt that I didn't fit in because my afamily is a lot older than I am. As a child, I felt I stuck out like a sore thumb. I am grateful that I was told the truth and was always told the truth from my amother's point of view. I respect her so much for being honest with me when I know it must not have been easy.

I too have difficulties in relationships for fear of being abandoned. If I begin getting 'too close' to anyone, I back away. I've experienced a lot of loss and I fear experiencing another. When I back away, that is my way of not being rejected. This may be because I was told the truth but I don't regret that at all. If I had not been told the truth, my entire life would be a lie and I wouldn't have found or had the relationships with my biological brothers that I have.

The only advice I can offer is to be completely honest with your sons. I feel, in the long run, they would appreciate the truth much more than a convenient lie.

[fauxgina]

I think there are two common threads here, for the most part: First, no matter what their adoptive parents' intentions and actions, most adoptees feel like they don't fit in. I think it's just part of the deal. You are your boys' mother, no doubt, but they are not mirrored by you genetically and it makes a difference. That does not mean, however, that you cannot provide them with enough support to help alleviate some of their pain.

The second common thread here is that adoptees want openness and honesty, and they want to be able to express themselves openly and honestly to their adoptive parents. Adoption is based in loss for everyone in the triad, and nothing will ever make that loss go away--but it doesn't have to ruin lives and/or relationships. Another thing I would add is to be consistent in both word and action. My adoptive mother said she wanted us to be open about anything going on in our lives, but when push came to shove she did not act on it, and she and I ended up where we are now having shallow conversations on the phone and she never once has mentioned my husband by name. That hurts me more than anything, to feel like I can't talk to my mom about the things that really matter most to me.

[ocracoke]

I am an adult adoptee. I always felt like I "fit in" with my afamily. Sure, I didn't look like them but who cared. I think the one thing that my aparents did that helped was that they never hid the adoption. It was an everyday part of our lives. We talked about it a lot. We celebrated the milestones. I was allowed to bring up anything and talk about anything. I was never put off by my family. And that is the approach I am now taking with my adaughter.

Samantha

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by fauxgina

she and I ended up where we are now having shallow conversations on the phone ...That hurts me more than anything, to feel like I can't talk to my mom about the things that really matter most to me.

My son and I are in reunion and he says that his amom is clingy in that its as if she can't come to terms with the fact that they aren't babies anymore. I have seen this a few times, whereby it is tough on an amom when their children grow up. I also think it is tough when reunion happens, and in our case, even though she was supportive of him finding me, I realise it has gotta hurt hearing him call someone else 'mom', although some don't do this, finding that they don't feel a need to call the bmother mom. I think to be prepared for reunion is just as important as the adoptee and bmother and I'm sure there will be more facilities available then for you than there are even now.

Remember that whilst the bmom has the genetic bond, you have the childhood memories and the nurturing and raising the child that the bmother will never have. Although it may hurt you that the bmother (may) come on the scene, try to remember that you are the mom. The bmother fits another role, and both are important in the childs life, but you are the central figure in your childs life and you can do much good (as someone has already said, you sound a lovely mom).

Take comfort in the fact that how good your relationship is with your children will decide how good it is for the bmother should reunion ever occur. My counsellor with 20 years experience said that she had seen it, that how good the relationship with the amom decides how good they 'bond' or relate to their bmother, the transition of accepting their role in their lives.

I think also that it is important to acknowledge the loss of the bmom in the childs life. No matter what kind of bmother she is, the child will miss her. You can bring significant relief to your child/ren if you gently acknowledge this, it will draw them closer to you if you realise this and act on it throughout their childhood.

The most difficult relationships between amom and children appear to be when they want sole custody of the childs heart. It may be hard, but if you can acknowledge the childs pain which may manifest itself some time or other, by drawing away from you, a kind of "you must miss your first mommy?' or something like that, I think that will help. If the child is not able to express feelings about the loss, they will be scared to hurt your feelings later on and it can cause problems where they feel loyalty to your motherhood but at a loss with their feelings due to being parted from their first mom (I'm trying to choose my words carefully here, so please bear with me, I don't want to hurt anyone here).

Also, everything seems to be fine during childhood until they hit their teens. Then one seems compliant and the other 'acts out' as in my son's case. Personality has nothing to do with it. One will assume the passive role, the other the "here is my pain for all to see" role. They both have the same pain, but have different ways of showing or not showing it.

Teenage years can be traumatic as they search for their identity. If you are supportive in this, and not take it as a threat, it will help. They don't love you any less but the need to know who they are and where they come from can be overwhelming at some point. Its usually when they are teenagers, a very vulnerable stage. My son lashed out by taking drugs, booze etc to anaesthetise the pain of being without me, even though he acknowledges that he loves his parents.

I think its very very hard for adoptive mothers to cope, because they need to feel they are the 'one' and they have so much love to give. To have this arrive is truly hard and some can't survive the onslaught. I think my son's amom is a very amazing woman to have taken the force that my son aimed at the family without giving up.

I feel that immense intensity and reactions came with his inability to talk to them about his feelings and how he felt growing up without me. Of course everyone is an individual, but I'm just using our experience to see if anything helps in answering your question. I don't think putting him in boarding school helped him to feel that they wanted him. It may have been what they were brought up with, but it exacerbated his already painful loss.

My son, well he is the one acting out and it alienates him, because as Fauxgina says above, he feels that he cannot talk to his amom about things that matter to him and they end up arguing.

I would dearly like to think that my presence in his life not only grounds him and fulfils him, but will help him adjust and draw closer to his amom. After 29 years with him and a traumatic addition to their family, I would like to think that they can have a closer relationship than they currently have.

I'm sure there's more to this than meets the eye and I have had a look at Nancy Verriers "coming home to self - the adoptee grows up". I find it reassuring in some ways but in other ways, I have to rely on my instincts and not a book. That is difficult for an amom, because she is not related to the child she is raising and I'm aware that must cause pain. But if she can make some kind of contact, if the bmother is reasonable and doesn't go into reunion with no respect for her role, then it could be a good result all round. That's what I have been aiming for.

As others have remarked, such caring you show at this stage should fare you well with your children and I hope that anything that I have said adds to the encouragement you have asked for.

[Sniffles]

I grew up always feeling like I fit in and I think it had a lot to do with the fact my parents were open and honest about my adoption. They never hid anything from me and the helped and supported me during my search.

I think you and your husband are doing fine right now and just keep being open and honest. I say just always be there for them with your love and support no matter what.

[lovemy2boys]

We are fortunate to have an open adoption with both our boy's bmoms. We email constantly and get together a few times a year. We had some rough times in the beginning, partly because of their immaturity, and parly because of my insecurity.

We are all really working hard to maintain a healthy relationship between "a and b" parents in order to better benefit our sons. I am hoping that this will help lessen any feelings of abandonment (even though I know open adoption won't erase all the pain), and hopefully if we present a united front and can relate well to each other, the boys won't feel "torn" between "parents" in the future.

As a side note, Saturday we went to Chuck E Cheese with our oldest son's bmom, her new husband and her one year old. At the end of the night as we were leaving, she hugged AJ and I overheard her say "I love you" to him. I never heard her say it to him outloud before. I don't know what it was about this moment, but it was so beautiful.

Everyone has given me such great advice - thank you all.

[wilted rose]

lovemy2boys, the fact that you are seeking advice from an adoptee forum speaks volumes. What courage you possess to speak openly and freely of your concerns as they come up, I think everyone has given you excellent advice, I would add, your avatar says it all...
Regards,
Rose

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I overheard her say "I love you" to him. I never heard her say it to him outloud before. I don't know what it was about this moment, but it was so beautiful.

What a beautiful generous heart you have. With such generosity, I don't see your boys having any adjustment problems in life. I wish you well, you deserve it.
(((hugs)))