[txrnr]

I've always felt different from my afamily, but was never made to feel that way. It just was, and my family was great and supported me in every way. They took what could have been a division and made it part of who I am. On the other hand, my abrother fits like a glove. I think there are plenty of bio kids who feel different too.

I have a great afamily (and as someone else mentioned, I only refer to them as afamily here for clarification), and wouldn't trade it.

[heidibay66]

I understand the struggles that you are going thru and it is so sweet that you worry about your boys. Coming from an adoptee, the fact that you are trying to understand how we feel is a huge step from and adoptive parent.
I think you need to realize that some of us come from a generation of lies. Our Original mothers(I say original instead of birth mother, it is just a personal preference) were told to hide themselves until the deed was done and then to never look back. Our adoptive parents were taught to just not tell us so we would never even know.
I found out by mistake at 5 yrs old when I was at camp from some mean girls who told me I was an orphan and that my mother didn't want me...So yea, I have bad feeling about being adopted. Then when I get ready to search I hear a completely different story about my original parents than the one I was told my whole life..Yea, I have bad feelings about that too..
But this is part of what I am talking about, we are a different generation of adoptee than your boys are. Your boys original Mother will probably be willing to meet them and search for them. Your boys are probably not the family secret..Your boys have a MOM like you who is willing to do what it takes to make sure they have a normal life. That is not what our generation had.
I am sure that there is no need for concern with your boys because they have you, a MOM who will take the time to find the truth, the help and give them support. Flowers for a REAL MOM!! Mother's don't just becomes MOM's because they are Mother's, they become MOM's because they are Loved...

[fauxgina]

Originally Posted by Wyrman332

Bottom line, I WISH I WAS NEVER TOLD!

Hi Wyrman, Sorry to hear that you've had such a struggle in life. I don't know if you really mean that you wish you'd never been told, or if you just said it out of a moment of intense anger and confusion, but I will address it as if you meant it:

This may not help you out, but, even when adoptees are kept in the dark about their adoption, many seem to still know deep down that they don't quite "fit." Maybe this would not have been the case for you, but the past is in the past and it sounds like you're having a hard time keeping it there. Now that you're an adult, it might be time to stop blaming adoption for your problems; you may feel the effects of it every day, but the actual event of adoption only lasted as long as you and your adoptive parents were in the courtroom. Once the gavel banged, it was over. What happened after that was a matter of family dynamics, and families of every kind have problems. You cannot change who raised you, no matter how much you wish they had not--you can only change how you handle it now.

[lilraskels]

lovemy2 boys-
Great thread. I am an amom too seeking the right way to do things. We have three children from two different adoptions and I too am looking for what is the best way to present this to my children. The older ones know. I think every child is different. It is a very hard choice for aparents to decided what is the best choice for their children. (each one seems to be different and have their own needs.) I include my kids parents too in what we do even the ones that dont respond. I hope one day they will come around. Just keep on keeping on is all we can do. Love them and let the know the truth!

[tikiboo33]

the biggest thing you can do to make them feel ok is make sure they know they are adopted.. no secrets.. no lies... and when they come to you wanting to know ANYTHING about themselves or where they came from tell them.. dont hide anything.. trust me.. they will love you more for it.
i did not come from that. i was lied to, i lived with secrets and i found out myself at as an adult. It made me bitter and angry and resentful towards my adoptive parents....
now i have questions i dont have answers to and i am struggeling everyday to find out the truth.
You have already done the most important thing you can do for an adoptive child.. let them know where they came from..

[Staz]

Reading your post gives me alot to think about!. My adoption was never kept secret from me. I was told how my mother loved me enough to choose a better life for me than the one she could provide, and I think it has helped me adjust remarkably. In fact most people would apologize to me when I told them I was adopted, which when I was young, I found very odd.

However, It seems to me that having adopted children versus blood children is something that ingraines itself on my parents. To describe it I would say, that it was akin to being engaged versus married. You love them, but there is always just the tiniest part that you hold back because you know it might not be forever... that is how I felt growing up, like there was just.. some smallest bit missing from my relationship with my parents. It's caused me to be somewhat distant compared to what my wife has with her parents... mine are.. too detached at times and seem unable or unwilling to really understand who I am at my core. It hurts but I have nothing to do but accept it...

[fauxgina]

Staz, I've felt the exact same way--that I cannot be truly close to my aparents for whatever reason, or that they're not allowing themselves to be close to me. For many years, I wouldn't let them in, and I think that's hurt my relationship with them to the extent that perhaps they don't know what to do now that I'm trying to deepen my relationship with them. I feel like it's my fault, but I was a kid then and I couldn't help it; it was a defense mechanism.

[BradB]

I am not sure that anyone else's experience can help you predict what the future holds. I think one big help will be that they are together. I was a closed adoptee- and my parents were always open about it- however, I did feel out of place, and still do. It's become a norm, and one that I am trying to overcome still today at 35 years of age. Does it mean I am not happy? No- I am very happy. I know when my daughter was born, it was a very special event knowing my first blood relative. I've never been very close to my afamily- not because they didn't love me, but because there was just no connection.

At any rate, I think that if your sons seem like they may need any outside help when they are growing up, let them seek counsel. While your intention are surely the best, sometimes it may be helpful for someone else to help them through it as well.

Starz- I understand your post perfectly. I also feel that missing connector. I am not sure my aparents loved me any less then they did their biological children, but I never got past that feeling of difference. The only difference I would say I have, is that I don't know who I truly am at my 'core'. Something I am trying to discover now.

[winter444]

I totally agree with another post that says tell your boys everything if they ask, my amom told me everything she knew about my bmom, she actually met her once before the adoption papers were signed in court when I was 7 weeks old. I love my a mom sooooooooooo much.
I have been reunited with my bmom recently and am going through issues with this, so many emotions I did not realize I'd have but I am learning this is normal.
Don't hold anything back.

I have to say....FAUXGINA ..I smile everytime I see your avitar picture!!!! how very, very cute!!!

[MissyJ]

Originally Posted by Wyrman332

Bottom line, I WISH I WAS NEVER TOLD! Sure I would have been curious, but to know that not a single person around me was of my own blood, really messed me up in my life. Don't know if anyone will agree, but I think sometimes things are better left unsaid.

I wasn't told. Instead, I suffered (in silence, naturally) along constantly wondering, always being lied to. NO, you should be glad that the elephant in the room was addressed. Was I happier not knowing? No but HECK no!

LOVEMY2BOYS: I say congratulations and kudos to you (your hubby and the b/parents too) for wanting to make your boys lives more secure.

If you're open with them, when doors slam or life gets tough, at least they have someone to cry on.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I am an adoptive mom of two small boys (ages 4 and 6). Lately I have been reading the boards of all parts of the triad and I feel so sad for all the struggles/pain adoptees are going through and scared of how my boys may be affected in the future. Many of the posts I read talk about how adoptees feel like they never "fit" into their adoptive families; some feel they were treated differently by their afamilies because they were adopted. I understand these feelings, but nonetheless it worries me, as a mother, to think of the struggles my kids may face emotionally.

So my question is this: what can I do as a mother to help my boys? For the adoptees who feel like they never "fit in", is there something your aparents could have done to change this for you in any way? If you felt like you were treated differently, how so and what would have made things better? I ask these questions because I want to do the best job I can to help my boys work through their emotions. I know their may be pain/anger/hurt/confusion, but what can I do to make sure we aren't contributing to this?

We have open adoptions with both of our boys' bfamilies, so this will take away some of the "mystery". Are there any adoptees who were in open adoptions who have any advice? How can aparents help?

I would appreciate any feedback.

have PM'd you,

love Janny

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Wyrman332

I'm going to chime in here and what I have to say might go against the grain.

I'm 29 years old, and I have to say that either way, I face a challenging life. I've had several serious relationships that I wound up sabotaging because of my fear of divorce and further rejection.

My life is a constant battle because I am so angry with those who made decisions for me. I dont' think I can ever enjoy a happy life with my AMom, let alone the rest of the family.

Rejection is just a way of life for me.

My job is the only thing I take pride in because I'm good at what I do and I feel like I fit in there.

Social life isn't good because I cannot find my niche in the crowd to be with.

Haven't been able to find a shrink yet, out here in San Jose, CA that's willing to help me either. I belong to Kaiser Permanente as my HMO and they refuse to even mention the word adoption to me.

Ok whew I rambled there, sorry. Bottom line, I WISH I WAS NEVER TOLD! Sure I would have been curious, but to know that not a single person around me was of my own blood, really messed me up in my life. Don't know if anyone will agree, but I think sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Hi Wyrman, no you haven't gone against the grain, I have posted a reply to one of your threads, but you have the same anger, angst and emotional pain as my son who is also 29. In fact, I wondered until I saw where you live, as to whether you in fact were he.

Lets call my son T, he like you, has faced a challenging life. He has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which hit him when he was 18. He argues day and night with his aparents, trying to change them, as he just doesn't feel he fits in and he's probably right, as emotionally, they are a 'bad fit'.

T also suffers with relationship problems and frequently uses his favourite expression 'stuff it'. It now comes down to the fact that he is so unhappy with his life that he can't see forwards to a future.He frequently swears and asks for his _____happiness and I felt I had to try and find out what the heck was going on, as to begin with, his behaviour confused me. He'd had a bad time at boarding school and that set him up to be very anti social, and when I've tried to meet up with him since our first F2F (we are 21 months into reunion) he's sabotaged every time.

You could say that rejection is how he feels. He described some emotions to me as to how he 'felt' with his afamily and it was awful to hear how he felt he was poison, scum, disrespected, and other adjectives. He has been so low as to consider suicide he's told me, as he feels there is no way out of his behaviour. His life IS a constant battle because of how he is perceived by others and his anger and rages puts him at odds with almost everyone, and yet he still feels that everyone should make allowances for him even though at times he can be so difficult (understatement) to be around. He describes his life at home at times as he 'can't stand being in the same room as them (aparents).

When he first found and contacted me, he had no job. No-one could keep him, as he was too busy telling everyone to get stuffed at the slightest provocation. He would walk out if the terms of employment were changed slightly. Its taken patience, but by reading the information I've posted to you on the other thread, I was able to 'get it' and that reassured him that he wasn't going mad. I told him of an expression I'd heard, that adoptees feelings are not abnormal (cos thats how he felt) - they are reacting normally to an abnormal situation - being adopted.

My son's social life is also not what he wants. He feels more comfortable out of the UK and abroad, but his amom told me that he heads for the drug addicts and hangs out with them and then wires home for more money when he's run out.

When it comes to a 'shrink', from my experience with my son and his responses from what I've had from counselling, some of which I've passed onto him, don't get 'ordinary' counselling. If the person is not experienced in adoption (and there's no harm asking) forget it. It will make you feel a 1000 times worse and adoption is painful enough as it is, without someone not understanding your false self, the pain of being separated from your bmother, from being raised by 2 people you can't relate to in the slightest.

Ravensong has located a group for you to consider trying - and its worth trying, but don't be surprised at the anger that will come out of you, I know when I went for 1:1 counselling, I think it was a year before she could get a word in edgeways. Relinquishment is painful for both bmom and son, no need for me to tell you that, but the anger is palpable and needs addressing. If you get counselled by someone who doesn't understand where you are coming from, it could be disastrous and where you are currently at, is where my son is at and it could destroy your ability to ever try again, so please, don't go there, find someone preferably with experience in adoptees.

I can understand your wishing never to be told that you were adopted, but then you would have been even more confused than ever. I can feel your pain as much as I feel my sons and its enormous. Its affected every part of his psyche and his life. At least you now know what you are up against and with the advice you are getting on these forums, life is gonna change ... if you want it to. There IS light at the end of the tunnel, because I recognise so much in you that is bugging my son and needs to be addressed, but how and when remains with you and him.

I hope you can get to the group that Ravensong has found for you. Keep venting, and keep in touch with us all. Once you realise that you are not alone and get your feelings acknowledged and validated, you will feel a weight off of your shoulders. That is a good start.

Wish you courage for the steps ahead
Janny