[angel_island1622]

It's been a long time since I have posted, so here it goes...

I am looking for some guidance and/or support in getting past feelings of rejection.

It has been well over a year since my bmother was contacted by CC telling her that I wanted to meet her. She was only willing to exchange letters and chose to maintain her anonymity through the process, continuing to use the agency as the intermediary. It has been 9 months since I have heard from her. A couple of months ago I convinced myself that I had offered due patience and stepped outside of my comfort zone, taking another risk, and wrote her a letter to inquire. To date, there has been no response.

I have read at least a handful of books on adoption, reunion, bparents, etc. Although intellectually I know to not take this personally, I feel SO rejected.

Looking back, I know that I had great expectations of what I wanted from her, but I tailored those back significantly once I could sense her hesitation. I was willing to wait. In a sense I felt that I owed it to her, in order for her to come to terms with my presence. And in the meantime I got 3 of the most meaningful handwritten letters of my life.

As each month of no contact passed I made great excuses for her. I had quite a handle on empathy and compassion. However as months turned into quarters, into halves, my optimism dwindled and moments of anger surfaced. Some serious self reflection aided in seeing behind the anger to find I had overwhelming feelings of rejection.

I am sick of my self loathing, throwing frequent pitty parties, giving updates of "nothing" to people that care to ask. I am disturbed at having such contradictory feelings of anger and gratitude; wanting nothing more than closure, but not wanting to say goodbye.

I can't quite come to terms with the concept, or reality rather, that the woman that gave birth to me is not willing to have a relationship with me. That in some way, her ability maintain secrets, takes precendence over knowing the daughter that she surrendered for adoption. Not matter how long I sit on that idea, I don't know that I will ever be able to come to terms with it.

[keds]

Angel, I'm not sure how to respond but I'll give it a go if you don't mind my perspective as a bmom. I may be different than some others in that I truly prayed and wanted my bson to find me but, even so, when I did get that first letter, 26 years later, I was terrified. I had a husband (bdad) and 2 other children and his family, who would not be kind in the knowledge that he was soon to re-enter and, hopefully, become a huge part of my life.

I was torn up inside for months, kept it to myself, but continued to write and call him as I knew ultimately what I truly wanted. I just wasn't sure how to get there without hurting so many others or disrespecting their feelings, his included. Anyway, I don't consider myself a "strong" person but I continue to fight as I feel that this is one of the most important relationships in my life. Perhaps she isn't rejecting "you" personally but just can't work out how to reconcile everything in her current life? I know from my placing in the "closed era" there were such "societal" pressures that I was broken for a long time and never really became whole again. I learned to compartmentalize my life and, still do, so that I am able to cope. I only recently realized that I had huge expectations at reunion as well and have experienced the frustration and anger that I think you are talking about. As a bmom I too have a hard time understanding why the lack of response by other bmoms but then, I haven't experienced their life so I have to think that there are good reasons for their lack of response - fear, self-doubt, low self-esteem or others that they are only aware of and make sense. It doesn't help us, unfortunately, but time does have an affect on our actions. I'm not sure if I would have been "ready" to meet my bson 10 years ago - I wanted to but it might have been disastrous. Sorry I can't be more help!

[BrockBaby]

((angel)) I am almost at a loss to what to say, because whatever I say, it won't take that sting away that you feel. I can say, and mean, that I am soo sorry that your contact with your bmom has been limited and not fulfilling. It seems that our head knowledge somehow has to make it down to our hearts and take hold there, that what FEELS like rejection, isn't about us, but her issues. But that doesn't take the hurt away that you are feeling. Please don't feel guilty or bad about the way you are feeling. I had to come to the realization that the way I felt is the way I felt..and that if other people didn't understand or like the way I felt, that wasn't my problem. So express your feelings, get in touch with them, throw something if you need to! In my reunion I had and have SOOO many feelings, sometimes it becomes overwhelming. I am not sure that you will ever "get over it" but I do believe that you will learn from this, grow, become stronger in who you are, and learn that you are exactly the person you are suppose to be. I have measured my success of my reunion on the fact that I now know who I am, more than I know who SHE is...does that make sense!?!?!?

Hang in there.....

[angel_island1622]

Keds and Brock, thank you so much for your kind replies.

Keds, I appreciate your perspective as a birthmother. If what my birthmother needs is time to "reconcile" things, I can totally understand that. I had time to prepare before deciding to search for her, while she was not given that luxury. I just wish that if this were the case, that she could just send a simple note stating so, and that she would pick up contact again when she is ready. Something that you said does worry me in a sense, in that you mentioned maintaining ongoing contact with your bson, as your ultimate goal was to have a relationship with him. Being the realist I am, I have taken no contact as a sign that she is not willing to maintain a relationship, albeit, through letters.

Brock, thank you for your thoughts. Something you said in another post (the one about spirituality) struck me. How you felt that meeting your bmom could fill the hole in your heart and only in after meeting her did you find that hole got bigger. I can SO relate to that. I thought having some knowledge of her would make me feel more complete, however it only filled me with more questions, and a feeling of emptiness. I appreciate what you said of owning my feelings. I have been so afraid to say the "r" word because I feel like I should know better. Rejection is not a great feeling to have, especially from a woman I have spent so much of my life wanting to know. I hope that I can reach that feeling that you have, of feeling as though I know more of who I am. Since I still have no information as to the circumstances of my adoption, there are still so many questions unanswered, including who the other half of my genes belong to.

[BrockBaby]

Angel...the unanswered questions were what bothered me as well, and having them has given me peace, but they still didn't fill that void. Only God was able to fill that void. Of course He has different ways of meeting each of our needs, so I am sure if you ask Him to, He will do it for you to. It just not may be in the way you thought it would or should be. I had a hard time at first over that. Like how could God not allow my bmom be everything I had hoped for!?!?!!? But I had to come to a realization that she was just a mortal soul, like me, and made mistakes and bad choices (but who hasn't) and I had to give up my fairy tale. (that's not to say that I don't get a bit jealous of those who have "normal type" bmoms). So I know the mixed up feelings you are feeling right now. And I think something you said really struck me as the way I felt going into my reunion (before I knew if she would want to know me) was the feeling of rejection was hard to handle from the woman who you've wanted to know your whole life. As an adoptee I can SOO relate to that, I thought about my bmom my WHOLE life (well from about the time I was on a tricycle on) and my biggest fear was that she wouldn't have done the same, but hanging around these forums, ect, I believe that the bmom NEVER REALLY forgets, but if she's not welcoming it's because of HER issues, not you! Doesn't make it feel any better though! So express yourself..own those feelings, and know that there are people here you can vent to and get support from.

Hugs!!!

[keds]

Hi angel, I should say that I don't mean to worry you - just my insecurities showing through re: continued contact. My other children and husband (bdad) realize that I will continue to maintain as much of a relationship as he wants so the road is getting a bit easier to navigate. I did receive a nice e-mail from him this week and it seems as long as we don't talk about adoption/reunion etc. we get along like the best of friends so I'm realizing that it is a boundary so I'm going to respect that (I don't have any, yet!) and we'll continue to develop a relationship. Perhaps your bmom would continue to communicate with you but only through the intermediary? Not the best but maybe that's all she's ready for right now? IMO it is simply good manners to let somebody know that you are "taking a break" or can't handle things at the moment rather than leaving them hanging.

Is there any way the intermediary could contact her to see if there was some other reason for no response - God forbid, illness, work, etc.? If not, I suppose you have to decide how often or whether or not you continue to write to her. I'm sorry I can't offer words of wisdom as I, like you, truly want the relationship.

[SuzySunshine]

I think that ultimately you are going to be just fine but i strongly suggest that you find a counselor to help you work through this issue. It is not healthy or helpful for you to allow your self worth to be tied to something so precarious and the sense of longing you feel is most likely a combination of issues that ultimately have not thing to do with adoption.

Find a counselor who can work with you to get to the bottom of the issue and help you move forward with your life and your family.

[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by angel_island1622

It's been a long time since I have posted, so here it goes...

I am looking for some guidance and/or support in getting past feelings of rejection.

It has been well over a year since my bmother was contacted by CC telling her that I wanted to meet her. She was only willing to exchange letters and chose to maintain her anonymity through the process, continuing to use the agency as the intermediary. It has been 9 months since I have heard from her. A couple of months ago I convinced myself that I had offered due patience and stepped outside of my comfort zone, taking another risk, and wrote her a letter to inquire. To date, there has been no response.

I have read at least a handful of books on adoption, reunion, bparents, etc. Although intellectually I know to not take this personally, I feel SO rejected.

Looking back, I know that I had great expectations of what I wanted from her, but I tailored those back significantly once I could sense her hesitation. I was willing to wait. In a sense I felt that I owed it to her, in order for her to come to terms with my presence. And in the meantime I got 3 of the most meaningful handwritten letters of my life.

As each month of no contact passed I made great excuses for her. I had quite a handle on empathy and compassion. However as months turned into quarters, into halves, my optimism dwindled and moments of anger surfaced. Some serious self reflection aided in seeing behind the anger to find I had overwhelming feelings of rejection.

I am sick of my self loathing, throwing frequent pitty parties, giving updates of "nothing" to people that care to ask. I am disturbed at having such contradictory feelings of anger and gratitude; wanting nothing more than closure, but not wanting to say goodbye.

I can't quite come to terms with the concept, or reality rather, that the woman that gave birth to me is not willing to have a relationship with me. That in some way, her ability maintain secrets, takes precendence over knowing the daughter that she surrendered for adoption. Not matter how long I sit on that idea, I don't know that I will ever be able to come to terms with it.

Hi angel, good to see you posting again! As I was reading your post, I am gathering perhaps your idea was one of 'reunion' while at this time your bmother was agreeing to contact only with specific
guidelines in place; letters, and an intermediary. We as a triad have addressed this with several posts from many different support forums. Ultimately, navigating emotional timelines with the another side of the triad has got to be the most frustrating and draining of phases. But nevertheless, many of us are determined to succeed through these trying times. Maybe you might want to review in your mind your last letter written to her...
Just my thoughts,
Rose

[angel_island1622]

Thank you again for more insight!

Brock- I am coming to realize that no one but myself can fill that void, and in so many ways, it is unfair to have put that expectation on my bmother from the getgo. I was watching the Wizard of Oz last night and it was all right there for me. At the end of the movie Dorothy realizes that if she has to look farther than her backyard for the answers, that she wasn't looking for the right thing. Cheezy I know (and amazing how I can relate almost anything to adoption these days, lol), but it makes sense. And Glinda (the good witch) makes a point of saying that Dorothy had to travel to the Emerald City because she had to learn the answers for herself; kind of like the journey is the goal analogy.

Keds- I know you did not mean to cause worry. I just think that what you said resonated with me because it makes perfect sense, you maintain contact if you want to move forward. I have thought of asking the intermediary to contact her again, I am sure she would if I asked her to. I guess I cringe at the thought of the social worker getting to speak to my bmother, while I can't even get a letter. But if my ultimate goal is to know, then I may go this route. I guess that is what the intermediary is there for, and since my bmother has chosen to keep this as part of our contact, I could use it to my advantage. I pray that nothing is wrong, and that she is healthy and well.

Suzy - I could not agree with you more, in that I should not allow the uncertainty of contact with my bmother affect my sense of self worth. I was hoping though, that you could expand on your opinion that my sense of longing to know my bmother may have to do with issues beyond adoption. At the onset of dealing with my adoption "stuff" I actually went to counseling for a period of time. I think the biggest thing that I was able to take from this experience was improving my relationship with my adoptive parents and being able to work through the shame that I felt in being adopted. Part of letting go of the shame, for me, has been to own my feelings, no matter how hard they are to admit sometimes.

Rose - You are right, in that my initial hopes of reunion with my bmother would come in the form of f2f contact. However, when the intermediary informed me that my bmother was willing to exchange letters, I literally cried. I felt so blessed to be able to have some form of contact with her, and I knew that this was much more than some adoptees have been offered. As the letter writing process started, I actually became fond of the idea. I thought that this would give us a chance to get to know one another, and not rush into anything; the old, slow and steady wins the race. And given the tone of her letters (which were caring, and indicated a hope for ongoing contact), I really felt that it was fair to expect some consistency in contact. Mind you, we didn't come to a formal agreement of how many letters would be sent per year, or anything like that, but it seems reasonable to expect someone to respond after half a year has passed, and certainly after a follow up letter has been sent. I feel very confident in the content of the letters that I have sent her, and believe me that I have reviewed what I said in my last letter to her several times, okay probably more than that, LOL. I apologize if I am crowding the forums with yet another question on rejection (because you are right that the topic has been reviewed several times here), I was just hoping to get some feedback on my personal situation, from others who have experienced similar feelings. Though I get so much from reading other's posts, there is something very healing for me in writing my "own story."

Thanks for listening and offering your support.

[wilted rose]

Angel, on the contrary...Sometimes posts are perceived differently than the intent of the poster...

You are not 'crowding' at all, I was stating reference with regard that 'rejection' is indeed a struggle so often in reunion for many of us, on all sides of the triad. We often post about it because we ultimately all go through it at one time or another. If you have the opportunity perhaps you could read some of the posts on the birthmother support forum, I've found it offers valuable insight on some of the emotions experienced by bmothers upon initial contact. Often, they are overcome with grief as well, they need time as we do, for emotional review.
Hope this helps,
Rose

[BrockBaby]

Angel...oh my gosh, I LOVE your take on the Wizard of Oz!! I have always loved that movie, and I can totally "get" what you were saying about the journey. It was true in my circumstances that the journey of the reunion has made me realize that no one else, but God, could truly heal those voids in my life. And that the idea of taking the journey to the Emerald City let her see the answers for herself...that is exactly what reunion did for me. It made me see that I am exactly the person i am suppose to be!!! I'm glad it gave you such insight and you shared it with us!!!!!