[fauxgina]

I was just wondering if anyone in the triad feels like the experience of either being adopted, adopting, or relinquishing a child for adoption has affected their spirituality? For instance, perhaps you are a birthmother who found her faith either waning or increasing after relinquishing a child.

I realize that a lot of factors influence a person's spirituality, but I'm still curious as to whether anyone thinks that adoption has been one of those factors.

Personally, I am an atheist. I don't believe in any gods, demons, or devils; I don't believe in fairies or aliens; I don't believe in good or evil. I don't know if my views are too black and white or not black and white enough... but I've often felt that my lack of faith has something to do with being adopted. Perhaps I lost trust in the people who were supposed to take care of me and so I rejected the idea that there could possibly be anything or anyone else out there who supposedly had my best interests in mind and would look after me when no one else could. The complete lack of faith or magic or wonder from my life can be depressing, although I do feel awed by nature and animals on a regular basis. I don't know... There seems to be some correlation between the "emptiness" of my spiritual life and the "emptiness" of being an adoptee.

Please remember (as if I need to remind anyone) to be respectful of others' beliefs. I welcome people from any part of the triad and any set or system of beliefs. I'm trying to establish connections, not rifts.

[keds]

Hi there, I have to say I was raised Catholic but have had wavering episodes throughout my life. I do believe in fate and destiny and that there is "something" that is the driving force behind everything but I have a significant problem with organized religion. Funny though I do love church service - the singing, the gospel, everything. I think it is the politics of "man" or the administration/organization - if that makes sense. After placing my bson 27 years ago I often turned to "God" in the quiet moments praying that he was well and safe.

It was 5 years ago that I first heard from the agency that he was interested in contact - many thanks to "God" again. Of course, reunion has brought it's own challenges, most relating to the "P" word. I guess I'm a bad-weather friend. I only turn to my "spirituality" in times of need, although I am a fairly generous and caring person and try and be kind to others my "faith" wavers when it seems everything is falling down around me. I think that's when it should be the strongest!

I completely understand your feelings of "emptiness" and rejecting the idea that there is someone or something out there as I have felt that as well. Although, I can't imagine the affect adoption has on you as an adoptee.

[EZ2Luv]

Honestly, this post is in line with what has been on my mind for the last few weeks. If I was not raised as a Christian and to believe that God has everything in control, as an adoptee I would have lost my mind long ago. It was my belief that God orchestrated and had Hs hand in the creation of my family that prevented me from living in that black hole that adoptees sometimes speak of. I guess acceptance of this was cruicial early on. I consider myself one of the luckier ones because the entire experience has only stregnthened my faith. Esecially after finding my Bfamily and experiencing the rejection. I thank God everday for blessing me with my Afamily. Now looking back after the fact there is absolutely no doubt in my mnd that God had His hand in this and did right by me.

EZ

[angel_island1622]

I do believe that I have relied on my spiritual faith for comfort and guidance since searching for and finding my birthmother. At times when I have felt powerless, it has given me comfort to know that I do not have to be in control, that there is something greater. I have found many a sermon to relate to adoption in some way. And I suppose since I go to church with the intention of feeling comfort and seeking spiritual guidance, it lends itself to such an experience.

I suppose now and again I feel the temptation to "blame God" or question my faith. I wonder the meaning and purpose behind my adoption. I sometimes question the proverbial "everything happens for a reason," and I have a hard time believing that God would have a hand in separating mother and child.

This is a challenging topic, in that the answer is not black and white. I will think about this some more.

[shadow riderer]

Gina, I relate to so many of your feelings and your post. You have put into words many of my own thoughts and feelings. I believe in God (a higher power), but I understand your questioning of the subject. Let me sleep on this question, and come back to you.

I'll just say this: I don't think adoption, necessarily, had an effect on my belief. I think other or all my life experiences has had an effect on the strength of my faith. This is a tuff one to answer. It's not about religion for me. It's a relationship for me, and I'm not sure I can explain that. It's a choice we all make as to what we believe, and since you pose the question, maybe you are on to something. I know in my lowest and most "alone" times i know in my heart that God loves me. There isn't a particular reason or solid anything that tells me that, I just choose to believe it for what ever my reasons. That's why they call it faith. It very well could be that those first feelings of being alone after my birth could have predisposed me to a faith in God, but I think it goes way past that, and back to other, or including other, life expeiriences.

disclaimer: Just my personal thoughts and feelings.

[snuffie]

I was raised strict Catholic. But even if I had not had religion in my life, with the events surrounding my reunion, I would have believed! There were so many spiritual things that happened - I have no other explanation.
snuffie

[wilted rose]

I was born into the Baptist faith, however I don't have the feeling my bfamily were active church goers. After being adopted, then involved in foster care I was certainly exposed to many different religions. I remember going through a period in my early teens when I was quite involved with a particular protestant religion. As I look back now I see that as a good thing. It gave me focus, and likely kept me on more of the straight and narrow path so to speak. Perhaps because I felt so alone during that time, it allowed me the sense of a 'father figure' watching over me and offering me a protective hand. As my twenties drew near I married a man of opposite faith,and I agreed to raise our children in that faith. With the years, I began delving into self discovery, and became quite interested in eastern as opposed to western 'schools of thought' regarding issues of faith. One of my most favorite authors is Deepak Chopra who has written several books on what would be classified as 'new age spirituality' I suppose I rather turned inward and realized for me spirituality manifested as me being on a journey with myself , a 'vision quest' if you will... that is what I rely on, what has brought me comfort, what I strive for; my higher self...
Rose

[BrockBaby]

I am a Christian, and I live my life according to God's principles. I am not a just a "sunday Christian" but an everyday of the year Christian and I can honestly say that if it weren't for God I am not sure what shape I would be in. For many, many years I felt that there was this spot that was reserved only for my bmom..and I wasn't letting ANYONE in that spot, except her. Then I found. And that hole seemed to get bigger, not filled like I thought it would. It was then that I realized that what my pastors wife meant, when she said she didn't think i'd be completely healed until I met my bmom, was that not until I met her and realized that she COULDN'T fill that spot..only God could, that I understood that all along God wanted to heal me in those areas of pain from my adoption. It's still a healing process, but I can honestly say that I see things differently now, and I can see God's Hand on my life.

[fauxgina]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful comments and personal beliefs. I have to say I was expecting at least one more atheist like myself to speak up, but the response has still been excellent.

keds, don't beat yourself up about your wavering faith. Others may not agree with me, but as I see it, as long as it works for you there is nothing wrong with however you practice (or don't practice) your faith. I understand the feeling that during your deepest, darkest times, you feel utterly lost and hopeless and it is frustrating to not have anything "higher" to cling to. Well, that's not necessarily so--anything that helps us get through the hard times can be considered "higher" as long as it takes us out of ourselves and reminds us of the good things in life.

EZ, I'm glad this topic resonates with you at this point in your life. While I'm not a believer myself, I can certainly understand why people possess faith and belief in a world that can seem cruel and uncaring. I'm glad that you've found comfort in God.

angel, would you care to share a bit more about the sermons you've heard that you could relate to adoption? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts about that. Something you said struck me, which was that your faith allows you to not have to have control over your life and, perhaps, your world; maybe that's why I can't believe, in a way--because I am unwilling to relinquish that sense of control. It also lets me depend solely on myself (which even then doesn't always work or comfort me!), reaffirming whatever trust issues I've got. I'm not trying to put myself down for not having faith because it works for me and fits with my view of the world, but I am generally (this may be hard to believe) an optimist and I find my optimism clashes big-time with my cynicism when it comes to a broader view of people and society and government and God.

Shadow, you put your finger on what I was trying to say in my first post, that lots of factors influence a person's faith and for many people, adoption may not even figure into it. I'm glad you're putting some thought into it, like I knew you would, and I appreciate your kind remarks. I find your posts equally refreshing, so I hope we continue to frequent the same threads!

snuffie, please feel free to expand on your statement that "so many spiritual things have happened" in your life that regardless of your upbringing you would have had faith--if you want to.

rose, it's great that you've had the opportunity to expand your mind and "soul" by opening yourself up to different belief systems and ideas. Thanks for sharing!

And last but not least, Brock... You were actually the person I had in mind when I started this thread. You strike me as a devout Christian and, as an equally devout atheist, I found myself thinking a lot about whether our particular personalities and eventually beliefs could have been affected by our adoption and the way we took it. We seem quite opposite in the spiritual arena, while we are quite similar in other areas. I'm glad you found your way to this thread so I could hear your thoughts. I found it particularly interesting that you talk about the "hole" that so many adoptees feel, and which they feel can be filled by their biological mother or family... and yet you experienced the opposite effect. I'm glad you've been able to make yourself whole through your faith in God, because it is so important to a person's psyche and sanity to feel comfortable, in a way, with life.

[shadow riderer]

I think Snuffy and Brock sum it up for me. I grew up in church. I heard sermon after sermon. I listened as preachers and others would read the Bible and interpret verses etc. I heard over and over, “God is in control.” Etc. I was just supposed to “trust” that what they were telling me was the truth? Were they nuts! Maybe it was those adoption trust issues? Considering my dysfunctional adoptive family, the fact that I was in my late 20’s, going through a divorce, and going blind, O.K., really, what kind of God is in control of that? Sheesh, in all those years of my religious upbringing, I must have missed something. Like you, Gina, I too am always trying to be that eternal optimist, but dang that cynicism. Well, I figured, if I couldn’t trust” what I had been told all my life, I better figure it out for myself. Was there really a God, and if so, who was he? If what I had heard all my life “was” true, then, God must really not like me very much. If God had purpose for all this crap I was going through, it’d be nice if he’d let me in on it, because, I’d kind of like to know all this suffering was for a good reason.


I’m a curious soul, always wanting to understand, interested in all opinions, theories, but always coming to my own conclusions in the end and making my own decisions. So, I picked up the Bible and read it for myself, the whole thing. I read books, watched documentaries, and questioned everything from the “big bang” theory to evolution, not to mention, other religions. I’m just too curious for my own good. Well, for me, too many of my questions had no answers to prove that there wasn’t a God. Like Snuffy there were and are too many things in my life that just have no other explanation than their must be a God. Brock’s post comes into play in the fact that from all my reading, thinking, analyzing, it comes down to this: we can choose to believe, or not believe. It’s up to us. so, in regards to adoption and my faith, I think I will say no that it did not really predispose me to a faith in God or no faith in a God. My adoption issues are with people not a higher power. My adoption was the result of choices “people” made. Whether you believe in God, a higher power, or not, the path you choose for your life is up to you.

I believe there is a God, and He has a purpose for my life. What that purpose is, I may never know until it’s over. My life is a journey. I have a job to do. My job is to do the best I can to be the personI was created to be. What happens in the end: bottom line-none of us really know. To think that all this was for nothing, well, I choose not to believe that. Considering what I believe, I’m looking forward to what lies in the after life. Danged ol curiosity is killing me (pun intended). Lol Guess I just have to wait until it’s my time? (Sorry, just my warped sense of humor.)


That something that was missing in my life, that emptiness, that question of why, is not there anymore.I used to hate this little saying I would hear in church: “I know that I know that I know”. I would always think, “How do you “know”.” Now I know, and I can’t really explain it either, other than I just know. Lol

Gina, great thread! Thanks.

[angel_island1622]

Now, let me just give a disclaimer before I reply, that I am not devout enough in my religious beliefs to sight specific bible verses, however, I will speak from what I can remember from my experiences.

Gina, in terms of sermons that I have heard, the priest focused on challenging me to question why I may not feel worthy of God's love, and why do I not trust Him to get me through the challenges in my life. As I sat in church it dawned on me, that I had abandoned God if you will, rather than God abandoning me. It is hard to articulate, but it was one of the cheezy "ah ha" moments for me. I all of a sudden felt so vein. Why would God single me out, and choose me to suffer. I don't believe that He did. I look at life as though I am accountable and responsible for the decisions that I make. Things outside of that realm, are in a way, in God's hands (all my perspective of course). It is funny what you mention about your struggle in giving up control, because anyone that you ask that knows me, knows I have a lot of control issues. For some reason, I find it comforting to know that with certain things, maybe even all things, I can do what I know is right and do it to the best of my ability and then leave the rest up to God. I am in no way implying that this alleviates me of accountability or responsiblity for my actions, rather, I know that I cannot worry endlessly about things that are beyond my control. WHICH by the way, has been SUCH a struggle in reunion.

After further thought on this, one thing that I have struggled with is the church's role in adoption. I wonder how many unwed mothers were not treated with dignity and respect when "choosing" to place. How many women were given a choice, for someone to sit down with them and explore options. Even today I see young single females that are in one of the most vulnerable positions in their life, and trusting a social worker to tell them what to do. Was this religion, that was condemning them for premarital sex, also forgiving? Or was forgiveness only afforded once the "right" decision was made, to surrender the baby to adoption. Just my thoughts and curiosities.

[WLD]

I'm not adopted. I did adopt a 5 year old boy a few years ago but i just wanted to let all of you know how impressed i am at how all of you have responded so respectfully to each other. It does my heart good after reading other threads. Like i said, though i wasn't adopted, i had the same feeling as some of you so eloquently spoke of growing up as well and i find this so very interesting.

[txrnr]

I too, am a Christian, and honestly, I have never thought that my relationship with Christ has been affected by my adoption. I think it's an interesting thought though, and I'm sure it will vary for many of us, no matter our beliefs.

The Bible clearly states that everyone who accepts Christ has been adopted into God's family, and since that is a positive thing to me, maybe I did internalize that a bit in my feelings towards being adopted.

I've also found it comforting that the Bible says that God knew us and planned for us before we were born. In that respect, I believe my life is just as it should be, and that includes so much more than my adoption.

I'm very active in my church, so I don't mean to bash organized religion as I find comfort and knowledge there, but since the begining of time, mankind has been messing up things, so why should the church be any different? I feel that if God puts up with all my bad stuff, and still continues to love me, I can at least try to do the same here. (of course, I'm not very good at it)

Very cool topic and discussion. As someone who knows what and why I believe, it's sometimes hard to understand why people don't. I find it fascinating to see this talked about, especially in the context of adoption.

[BrockBaby]

Wow...great discussions going on here!! Good thread Gina!! As I was reading the new posts I had SOO much I wanted to say, but it seems difficult to type it. Does that make sense!???!

One thing that "jumped" out at me as I was reading several posts was the "issue" of how could God have allowed to have this happen, or if God has control, ect..I too had an Aha Moment about that. It's several layers of aha actually. The first being, as a Christian, we were designed to serve God, not the other way around. And while there are MANY blessings to living a life serving God, serving Him does not mean that everything goes "our way"...there are many, many things in my life that I had prayed for, and God knew what was in my best interest by NOT giving it to me. Sorta like how a parent knows what's best for their kids. (most of the time..lol...but unlike us, God is not human so HE does know!!) Another thing, and this may not be popular, but there are consequences to our actions, and sometimes other people suffer from bad choices. Sometimes those bad choices were made for us...sometimes we make those bad choices. And it seems that at those times, God is the fall guy. We blame Him for what we've done, or what other's have done for us. Actually, God is IN control, but doesn't control us, He has WILLINGLY given us free choice. So, while he can orchastrate things, and nudge us...He won't force us. Does this make sense!?!? I know MANY people give God praise for the things He does...but how many people ONLY blame Him!?!?

Angel...I agree with you that people have treated birthmoms horribly in the name of religion. And I can honestly say that I believe that God did NOT smile down on them!! Just like the pharisees of the old time that THOUGHT they had it all together, and looked down at those folk not as RELIGIOUS as them, God did NOT call them HIS!!!! And they will be held accountable for their attitudes and actions!! I guess that is why I am glad to say that I'm not religious, and dislike being called that. I have a RELATIONSHIP with God,and it's that relationship that frees me to be who I am to be, and not that I have to live up to some standard that isn't attainable on this earth!

txmr...the first night I posted I was actually going to bring up the fact that I use to really dislike the idea of God adopting me. Perhaps it's because the "adoption" aspect of it brought up the feelings of relinquishment. Not until I realized that ADOPTION and RELINQUISHMENT were two separate things, could I grasp that the ADOPTION part was not something to be ashamed of, but just a part of my life story. The relinquishment hurt, and while it wasn't my bmom's desire, it is what happened, and I can honestly say that God did have that in control! But just because God orchastrates something, doesn't mean it is without pain, ect. Think of Moses. He was the first adoptee of the Bible. It probably devestated his mother to let him go...but God DID have a greater purpose in the place he placed him!! I believe that is true with each of us as well. Sometimes I think of all the people I have in my life that I have loved, that I do love, and the ones to come that I will love...and if I weren't adopted, these people wouldnt' be in my life. So I guess what we have to do, is live the life we are given. Get healed of the issues we have, and sit back and see what plans it is that God had in mind for us. Exciting stuff if you ask me!!!

Gina...I think it's very interesting as well how different and yet the same we are. Shows that when we boil down to it...we are all the same...on this journey we call life, trying to do the best we know how!