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#751
12-28-2007, 04:01 PM
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Any advice
Hello!
You all seem so terrific and have helped me with your posts and though I know this is the Primal Wound book club I thought I would try and get your advice. Sunday I am going to tell my parents about reuniting with my birth mother, any advice???? I was going to wait and just have my bmother be my "friend" for a while but I just think it is too hard. I need this to be "normal" or as normal as this situation can be and hiding it is not normal. Someone (I can't remember who it was) recommended NV second Book Coming Home to Self and in that it says for various reasons that it shouldn't be hidden and I realized that it is probably true. I don't want to hurt my amom but I also don't want this to become about her, which is somewhat been my whole life. So any advice anyone has would be really helpful! Thanks so much and sorry to use this forum but you guys seem to have some of the best advice and thoughts. 
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#752
12-28-2007, 05:20 PM
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Sorry L@@king2, I sent you all I have!!! 40 pages of summary!!! Be careful of copyright!!! Janny
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 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today
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#753
12-29-2007, 06:28 AM
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HI!!
Guess what I got for christmas???? The book that I asked for !!  Immediately, I started to delve into the book...boy it's a hard read! Since I frequent these boards (although, not as often as I'd like) I thought I would post a thread on Adoptee Support, thus I was redirected here. I am currently around Chapter 7-which seems to be perfect timing for this thread! I have read most of the posts on this thread...but must admit, not all 50 pages lol.A little about me...I am an 37 year old, female adoptee. I work fulltime with 2 small children ...thus seldom time for myself....yet,some days all the turmoil surrounding my adoption demands my attention. I'm especially worried about losing my post..since this happened last time, after I had emotionally exhausted myself while typing a post. Any suggestions to protecting my post while typing?? I can't seem to copy during my reply tlee
__________________
"You can never really understand where you're going unless you know where you came from."
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#754
12-29-2007, 11:09 AM
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Hi love, good to hear from you. It sounds as though you have been giving this some thought for awhile, I can't recall how long you have been in reunion. My feeling is that when we feel we can't enter into a relationship fully, chances are it doesn't blossom fully, kwim? This may be the case for several reasons. While you have every right to make your own life decisions, you may want to approach this with your aparents in a reassuring and compassionate way. Depending on their life experiences, that will determine their reaction and response. In the end love need not be exclusive, there is plenty to go around. Good Luck, let us know how it goes; thinking of you... Rose
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As I shed one more tear, I looked upward; it was then I began to reach for the brightest star... and it shone more brightly than ever before.
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#755
12-29-2007, 11:14 AM
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Hi Looking, perhaps it would be feasible to consider picking up your very own copy, that way you are free to comment , and follow along... Rose
__________________
As I shed one more tear, I looked upward; it was then I began to reach for the brightest star... and it shone more brightly than ever before.
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#756
12-29-2007, 11:41 AM
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Hi there tlee, and welcome to our bookclub! Unfortunately there have been some technical difficulties with the site today, seems to be better now... Seems like you are right on target with us on the chapters, we are currently on break until the fourth, then we begin reading and discussion of Chapter 8. You are right, it can be a difficult read, so you must consider pacing yourself. For me as an adult adoptee I identify with alot of what Verrier has to say, it has been very healing for me. Having said that I recognize many of her concepts and theories are conjunctive with ones' experiences and are a matter of impact and degree... Welcome... Rose
__________________
As I shed one more tear, I looked upward; it was then I began to reach for the brightest star... and it shone more brightly than ever before.
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#757
12-29-2007, 11:46 AM
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love, you must be terrified, lol! I can't imagine how worried you must be about talking with your aparents about a potentially volatile subject, but I would say that if you approach it with compassion and understanding, as Rose has suggested, you stand a good chance of receiving a compassionate and understanding response. It may be a scary idea for your aparents, but they love you and in the end their wish for you to be as happy as you can be should overcome any reservations they may have. If they become defensive or simply don't seem to understand, don't lose heart. It may take a little while for them to realize that your birthmother (and -father?) are not a threat to their relationship with you. Just explain to them the things that seem obvious: you love them, no one can replace their role as your mother and father, and this is something that you needed to do for yourself that had nothing to do with your family life with them (even if it did, try to downplay that or they may get defensive for a good reason).
Best of luck, love! Let us know how it goes.  (((((Hugs)))))
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#758
12-29-2007, 12:04 PM
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Thanks Wilted rose!!
I have been posting on these boards for quite a few years, so there may be some that have read my posts! I have reunited with both my bparents...and continue to work through my feelings towards both of them...some days rationally, some days not! LOL One of the things that really struck me about the book so far was the importance of open communication that is needed for a successful reunion (as well as adoption)..I wonder, how do we go about doing this if one or more party is in the denial stage?? I kept thinking...geez, I should send this book to my bparents...then as I read I thought...ooooh...THIS could be a BAD book for them...esp coming from me. As I was reading through the first chapters, I sortof had an "aha" moment. Keeping in mind, I have done much much work on my adoption issues over the years, most of what Nancy was definately ringing true..but not new to me. She spoke about how many children had fantasy's as a child..some about how they were "aliens" from outerspace. Well, I've heard of this before....but it wasn't until I read this part of the book that it brought back a re-occuring dream that I used to have as a child.... I used to dream that I was out in space....turning and turning...like being in blackness, yet I was being wrapped in cloths that were mummifying me...the more I turned the tighter and tighter the linens wrapped around me. I always woke up with a feeling like I couldn't breathe....sweating, heart racing. I always thought that this dream had to do with the stress I felt as a child and the traumatic upbringing that I was living. Nancy made me realize that in fact, this may have stemmed from being adopted??? Very interesting...... That dream is still very vivid today in my memory, although I haven't had it since I was a teenager. Anyway, some of my thoughts on my read so far. I'm really looking forward to this discussion! Tlee
__________________
"You can never really understand where you're going unless you know where you came from."
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#759
12-30-2007, 08:20 PM
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Rose and Gina, thanks so much for your thoughts. Well I did it, it was about as horrible as one could imagine. My Dad was defensive, usual self so nothing new there. Pretty much tried to make me wonder why the heck she didn't contact me before and where has she been, some other fun comments. My Mom felt threatened which I fully expected. She did however step up and act like my mother and tell me she was there for me for whatever I needed, time will tell with that. I tried to relate some of the Primal Wound stuff that related to me and what I have gone through, yeah that did not go well. That book describes most of my life to a T and really has helped me come to terms with a lot of things. They didn't want to hear anything. Oh well I knew what I would expect and now I have to deal with the fall out, my head is swirling! Someone last week said that all of these feelings were like a Tsunami, and that is probably the best way to describe it. I am a 3 months into this reunion and have had more "Tsunamis" than I really can take. Funny though even through it all I wouldn't trade it for the world. Tonight really put me over the edge. Then I read these posts and realized that there are people that are in the same boat and understand, so thank, you guys really helped. I am going to read chapter 8 again so I can be ready for when we are "back in session". Happy New Year To All! Thanks again!
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#760
12-30-2007, 09:23 PM
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Congrats loveis!
You know it might of created some frictions between you and your aparents but your mind is free. You did this for you! That is a good thing. Hopefully in this it will give something to think about to your aparents. just as your aparents could not 'replace' your bmom, your b mom can not 'replace' your aparents. So it is really not anything to be threatend by but I sure can see why they might feel betrayed. Keep your chin up hopefully as time goes on then it will be understood! {{hugs}} and keep your chin up... Dont be overwhelmed. You have control over this.
__________________
To Live is to Love, To Love is to Let Go
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#761
12-31-2007, 02:09 AM
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Bah! I just wrote out a long, personalized response to Love's experience and with a slip of my finger it's gone. I can recapture the essence though, so here goes:
First, I'm sorry that your parents reacted how you thought they would. I'm still glad I gave you advice that sounded positive, but many adoptive parents seem to react to your situation with defensiveness and the will to just shut it all down. While I haven't reunited with my birthmother, or even really thought about it--much less having to talk to my parents about it--I can identify with your situation in a different way. My husband, Dan, has always been a sore point with my mother. Without going into a lot of detail, we struggled ferociously with one another for many years about it--although I don't think it was about Dan, I think it was about control and independence and that sort of thing. But good god, did we fight about it. I was trying to have a relationship that I felt was the best thing that had ever happened to me (still feel that way about us today), and she was trying to protect me from something she didn't understand (or want to understand, as far as I could tell). Perhaps it was so scary for her because we were in a long-distance relationship--he lived in England and I lived in Arizona--or perhaps it was because he was nearly three years older than me and when we first started "going out" I was 16 and he was 19. Whatever it was, she didn't like it, and after I had racked up a $1300 phone bill (at a very young 17 years old), it was just what she needed to force me to end the relationship. I had to e-mail Dan and tell him that I was breaking it off, and she had to read and approve of what I'd written before sending it. As young people in love do, I did exactly as she told me to, and then called Dan the very next chance I had and retracted it. If we couldn't have an open relationship, it would have to be clandestine--I couldn't help who I loved, and it was him. Anyway, when I went away to college a few months later, Mom thought Dan and I were split up. I called her just before Spring Break and said that not only were Dan and I still together, but he was visiting me the next week. She was so upset and shocked that she did something then that she had never done before and has never done since: she hung up on me. I knew that conversation wouldn't go well, and while it really hurt me that it went as it did, I still felt incredible knowing that at least she knew. I no longer had a secret eating away at me--and if I felt like Dan was a huge secret to keep from my mom, I can imagine that keeping my reunion with my birthmother from her would feel like the biggest lie I'd ever told. You deserve to have it out in the open, to not have to skulk around in the shadows having a clandestine reunion with your birthmother--no matter how you adoptive parents feel about it. You are an adult, as is she, as are they, and you have every right to have contact with anyone you see fit, and especially your own biological mother; they, of course, are entitled to feel however they feel, but if your contact or their views are harmful to you in any way, each party has the right to be upset and try to change things. I hope that things settle down after this tsunami. I've experienced many many tsunamis in the past few years, as well, and even though they've had nothing to do with reunion, they still left me feeling incredibly confused and uprooted. Those big waves dredge up all the sediment in your subconscious, and leave your mind murky--but it will settle again. What goes up must come down, and you will reach a point at which you can view things more clearly and think more clearly and things make more sense. It sounds like you are going through a completely natural and understandable period of upheaval, but that doesn't mean that it is how your life will be from now on. So be patient, and try to ride the waves and not let them overcome you. You are not alone, and you will get through this. (((Hugs)))
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#762
12-31-2007, 09:05 AM
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Hey love, so sorry your aparents were not supportive in the way you had expected... Raskels and Gina have given you some sage advice. Try to keep in mind this is an initial reaction from them, and all is not lost. On a positive note it's out in the open now, and allows for communication and dialogue which in itself is relieving to some degree. As well give them time to digest this as it likely caught them unaware, and over time you can begin to share more of how you are feeling. Perhaps you may want to take their lead in how much they can handle at a time. For instance see if they approach the subject in the next little while and go from there. Let us know how it goes and post your concerns, we're here... Hugs, Rose
__________________
As I shed one more tear, I looked upward; it was then I began to reach for the brightest star... and it shone more brightly than ever before.
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#763
01-01-2008, 08:17 AM
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I am sorry to hear that your aparents felt badly too. One of the things that Verrier definitely speaks of is the entire triad!! I also am a first mother, and I know that my son's aparents did not take it well when he told them that he had found me. My g-d he was 38 years old when he found me just over a year ago, I really have a very hard time understanding how his (and all other) aparents feel threatened. They have had their children, and yes they are their children they brought them up and they nurtured them. However, we first mothers certainly did 'nature' them, unfortunately for aparents whatever their circumstances, they were not able to do this part of the job, and my g-d isn't it about time they got over themselves? We first mothers had to, Verrier says that aparents if they are thinking so much of the child that they brought up and nurtured, should be encouraging them to reunite and to be with their first parents, in order for the child to heal!! Of course they if they feel insecure in the job they have done, perhaps they are saying well, my achild (adult) shouldn’t feel like a child, after all we took him in, and did the best for him, better than his own mother did. As for my personal situation, I live in a different country to both my son and his aparents, and I really do fail to see how I can possibly threaten them or their relationship with my son, unless it was rocky anyway??? I have other raised children, and so I do understand where they are coming from, but my g-d we are all grown ups aren't we??? As one of the contributors said very clearly 'there really is enough love to go around'. I would so love to meet them, and tell them thank you and love them too, for being good to my boy. Just thought I would add my two cents about that because it does really get to me............thanks for listening guys.
Last edited by shouav : 01-01-2008 at 08:23 AM.
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#764
01-01-2008, 09:32 AM
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Shouav, I am happy to have your two cents and I totally agree with you. I just tried to say that to My Mom but she doesn't want to hear anything excpet if i said I will not have a relationship with my birth mother. I told her I am going to but she doesn't have to hear about it. She told me she doesn't, so I won't share with her. Sad to say but I would actually rather it be that way. I know my Mom is feeling threatened, totally understandable and I can't do or say anything to make her feel any different, all I can do is reassure her and not talk about it I guess. You are right, geez I am 37, we are adults, and what is wrong with more people in my life to love me and my son. I get it but I really don't. I will continue to have a relationship with my birth mother, I will just not share her or the details with my family. Thanks for your "two cents"
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#765
01-01-2008, 09:37 AM
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[quote=lilraskels]Congrats loveis!
You know it might of created some frictions between you and your aparents but your mind is free. You did this for you! That is a good thing. QUOTE] lilraskels, thanks, yes I did do this for me and my mind is free in once sense but unfortuantely not in many other ways. I am not used to doing things for me so this is all new to me. But it is something that I will continue to do and deal with the consequences I knew there would be. I knew when I decided to tell my folks, which I swore I would never do, that there would be friction, I made that choice and now I will deal with the fall out. Thanks!
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