[jkl2007]

Hi everyone,
I've been reading posts for some time now, and I've seen quite a few where either the birthparent or adoptee is deeply hurt by the "pull-back." It seems alot of people who need some space go about it the wrong way, ie being rude, intentially hurtful, or simply cutting off communication without explaining anything (which I think may be the hardest.) I really do think people are generally good, but I think there are alot of very poor communicators (like myself). I just wanted to tell any of you that might be hurt, that the "pull-back" or even initial rejection probably has absolutely nothing to do with you personally. The pull-back-er may just not be strong enough to have a relationship of any kind at the time (again, like me). It's late... does that make any sense?

Two years ago I easily found my birthmom, she was kind and seemed normal enough, and it was probably as typical and non-dramatic as reunion stories could go. I always thought of myself as a calm and level-headed person, and I prepared myself for whatever I might have found (although anyone in reunion knows you could never fully prepare yourself.)
The whole getting to know my birthmother thing ... I just can't do it. This sounds exaggerated, but it causes me physical pain to think about it for too long. In the months that we talked, I looked foward to hearing from her sooo much, but when I was actually hearing her voice I felt sick to my stomach. I'm no hypochondriac, but I swear my chest would throb. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sleep. The doctor had me do a 24 hr holter monitor because of an irregular rhythem and heart rate of 140 at rest. For the longest time I really thought I was having heart problems. When I stopped talking with her all that went away. In retrospect, I'm sure it was extreme anxiety, which I've never had before. It's amazing what emotional stress could do physically to your body. I know it'd be healthier to deal with the issue and not shove it under a rug. But I have a busy life and a busy family who needs me.
Sometimes I think of how great it would be if she'd email me or send me a letter. But I'm scared to hear from her again because I don't want to have such a physical reaction again. Seriously, sometimes I felt like someone shot me in the chest. I had to delete every email she sent me. I put her letter away somewhere. I looked at her pictures once and then I had to put them away. I'm a very organized person, but I don't even really remember where I put them.
I tried to explain as gently as I could to her that I couldn't do this now. That it wasn't her, it was me. I hope I didn't hurt her. I did write back to her but she never responded. But my main point is, my birthmother was a best-case scenario type of person and I can't deal. That I have issues, and they aren't because I dislike my birthmother. So if any of you feel you were "dumped" after reunion, please try not to internalize things.

[fauxgina]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience in an attempt to ease the pain of others who might be on the receiving end of a pull-back. While it doesn't apply to me as I'm not in reunion, I still feel that it was incredibly brave of you to put yourself out there like that, and that others will find comfort in your words. People in the adoption triad seem to me to be relatively insecure, so it's no wonder that we take it personally--but it's also relieving to have someone with personal experience give us 'permission' to not blame ourselves. We blame ourselves for so much--birth parents for not being good or strong enough to provide for their child(ren), adoptees for not being good enough to keep, and adoptive parents for not being able to conceive or for not being the one parent their adoptee seems to need... Why add more to our individual sense of burden?

[SallyLF]

I just wrote a long, wee-hours-of-the-morning reply to your post jkl, and when I hit "submit reply" the whole thing vanished. I don't have it in me to attempt to re-write it. But thanks for your post, it was cathartic for me.

[cnb1099]

jlk- you hit the nail right on the head for me. I could have written your post. My bmother found me and she has had the "pullback". For a long time, even now if I really start to think about it, it causes a great deal of anxiety for me. The whys and how comes. The unanswered questions and the what ifs.

And it has taken me quite some time to get to the point of having to just let it go. When I do get the chance email I still read and respond but there is not the pressure and the anxiety attached to it any more.

I am not sure this is true for everyone and I am not making any generalizations, but in my own case I truelly feel that her pull back is because she has "lived the lie" for such a long time that it has become the truth, and it is so terrible painful for her to relive that. So she does not tell her family about me and she leaves my questions unanswered.

But I respect that and my feelings towards her have not changed. Only my expectations have.


Sorry for the ramble but thanks for the thread. I needed to get that out!

[wilted rose]

jk,thankyou what a heartfelt, and eloquent post, one I imagine was rather difficult to write. Anxiety is something I struggle with on a daily basis, sometimes worse than others. For me it's only been the last year I've realized to what degree. I am well aware now, it's directly related to my experiences and certainly my adoption and reunion journey. I'm glad you've brought this up, perhaps it can shed light on the emotional whys and wherefors particularly in reunion that all sides of the triad struggle with. You know anxiety seems like such a logical response to what we deem an unbelievably difficult period, and nevertheless it arrives on the other sides of the triads' doorstep disguised and assumed as rejection. Add insult to injury with self defences and self preservation with ommission of communication and the writing is on the wall...
Thanks again, I hope you'll post again...
Regards,
Rose

[fauxgina]

cnb, I've always wondered about the consequences of finding a family member who still wants to "live the lie"--or coming across that feeling in my own heart. It's a scary thing to think that reuniting with a blood relative could still be too painful for some people to handle and that life is just easier (as jkl has found it to be) to go back to life without knowledge of one another.

This is a bit strange for me to say as an atheist, but I love Paradise Lost and it seems quite pertinent, so I don't feel too weird bringing it up: it's like eating of the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. I'm not saying it's God's intention for families who have been separated by adoption to remain split apart, but sometimes the knowledge that we find at the other end of a search hurts us far more than we had anticipated it would, and literally makes our world come tumbling down.

The human psyche/heart/soul (whatever you want to call it) can withstand so much for so long... and yet it can be so fragile when we least expect it.

[cnb1099]

Fauxgina- You are very right. But with J in my experience, it is not so much that she wants to not acknowledge or move on...she just needs it to be on her terms and in her timeframes. (which are few and far between!)

And it is difficult because everyone in my life knows that I am adopted, everyone in my life knows of J and our reunion and I want to share this with my loved ones but it is so very one sided at this time that there is nothing to put out there.

So I sit and wait. Well not so much sitting around but move on and move forward and hope that one day she might want to become a "part" of my life and my family. But the anxiety I feel when I do get the call or the email or the card that says "daughter" is so overwhelming that sometimes I myslef think it might be easier to go back to life without the knowledge...KWIM?

[jkl2007]

Thank you for reading and responding to my post, and I'm sorry for those of you that are feeling rejected, or dealing with anxiety. I feel good that some of you felt alittle better after reading my post -
I wish I could say to birthmom not to take it personally that I needed space. For her to believe that it's really, really "not you, it's me." I'm so afraid that I hurt her, the person I've thought of and loved my whole life, who I desperately wanted / want to talk to, who seems so nice. The person I think about every day and night. But I'm afraid if I open that door again, I won't be able to handle it again, and I will hurt her again (if she's actually hurting now). And then I have the nagging voice of insecurity that tells me she probably hates me and I did her a favor by telling her I need space. Thank you.