[BrockBaby]

As some of you around here knows, I am an adoptee who has been in reunion for about six months. I initially found my bmom's relatives (cousins) through an obit. I couldn't seem to locate where my bmom was....but found old numbers and addresses for her...so I took the next step that I could think of and contacted a relative of hers. When I talked with S, my bmom's cousins daughter, she was more then thrilled to have been "found" by me. We talked for almost an hour and a half, and she had known about me my entire life. (she was nine when I was born, and during her growing up time was VERY close to my bmom) Anyway....she insisted I call her mom, N. N, who is my bmom's cousin, was in shock and couldn't believe that I found them. She was crying and went ON and ON about how I was SOOOOOOOOOO missed in the bfam, there had always been a hole where I was suppose to be, blah blah blah....which at the time, made me feel REALLY welcomed. So within a week they located my bmom, who was in a Nursing Home at that time. I had my own issues with my bmom, but have come to a point now that I really like her for who she is. However, I do not get to see her because she is now living with her brother who is not stable, and VERY VERY VERY scary to me!!! He tries to follow me, ect...but I always hide my car. Anyway....that was a long introduction to say what is REALLY on my mind.

Last Sunday S, my second cousin, had a bday party for me and her mom N and my bmom was suppose to be there. However, N didn't go pick her up, and really didn't try to get her. When I first got to S's house, it was no one was really talking to me. S was busy in the kitchen, but I was in the living room with N and a few other members of their family. I was sitting there feeling soooooooo dumb, and I wanted to get up and bolt sooooo bad. But I didn't. But as I sat there, I kept thinking about how when I have talked to N on the phone, she is always like...We've missed you...we've always loved you...ect, ect. Well to be honest, I didn't FEEL any of that missing or loving! I mean, she wasn't even trying to have a conversation with me. This has REALLY REALLY been bothering me, and I'm not sure why. It's like all of a sudden I am very angry over it. Not at my bmom at all. But the other bfam members. I know S was being nice, and I appreciate what she did. But now I am so angry. Not at S. But it's like I am sick of HEARING all this crap, and not SEEING anything that SUPPORTS what I am hearing from some of them. I mean, if I don't call N, she would NEVER call me. Basically I am just so sick of it all, I am sick of having to be the one that reaches out, I am sick of all WORDS. Am I just being a brat??!!??!?!? I feel bad for my bmom, because she didn't even know about the party (she doesn't have a phone) and the fact that her cousin, who BOTH have said, they were more like sisters, didn't even REALLY TRY to go get her!!!! ( I can't go get her...but that's another story!) S, even said, once she realized her mom didn't really try to get her, maybe we should go get her. But by that time, it was too late, because I was going to have to leave in a few hours.

Anyway...thanks for letting me vent. I am not sure what to do next. Do I drop off the face of the earth where they are concerned. Let them call me!??!?!? Does anyone else struggle with stuff like this?!?!?!

[keds]

Brockbaby, first, I'm proud of you for holding it together and sitting through it all, I would have exploded! Secondly, I do feel the same way! I'm not angry at anyone in particular - just stark raving MAD at the situation! Of course, I am coming from the other side of the equation - bmom - so I have some additional guilt in that I feel I shouldn't be allowed (?) to be angry. In your case, I can't imagine that they would have planned a party and NOT make sure your bmom was there. It must have been so difficult for you to decide to go in the first place and then for them not to think ahead, well it makes me give my head a shake.

I went back over all the cards, letters, calls, etc. I've made in the last year and half and realized that I am 4:1 but I think that I have to prove that I'm not going anywhere, again. I just sent off another one today for Halloween. At times I think he's going to get sick of them, I try not to make contact more than once a month or so but like you, how many other relationships take as much thought - call now or wait, let my anger/fear show or will that shut the door forever. He's away on a trip right now and I know that it would be great to get a postcard, but not likely. He's very thoughtful but not demonstrative. I, on the other hand wear my heart on my sleeve and send "Happy Boss's day" cards and send postcards to people at work as I know how much I like getting them. Hallmark has made a lot of money off of me! I don't think you're being a brat at all, just someone who wants a little confirmation that they're investing in the relationship too - not too much to ask for, in my opinion.

Hang in there, I guess my feelings are now that I would rather have crumbs from his table than nothing at all. For me, I'm going to keep calling/writing only because I can't the silence! I'm not sure about you, sounds like it is much more painful. Take care and keep posting - it's been a lifesaver for me. I truly wish it wasn't so hard for everyone!

(((hugs)))

[wilted rose]

Hi Brock, I think keds has offered you some great advice. I've reunited with bmother(now deceased) and five bsiblings as well as many nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. I have defintely struggled with many of the issues you've mentioned. I remember when I was in the heart of it I took some time one day to sit down and journal to myself. I asked myself with each of the relationships what I could envision it looking like feeling like, what were my expectations, what could I settle for. It soon became clear for me what reality might offer, and what I was willing to accept. I moved forward with feeling a bit more empowered. I've often said to adoptees in reunion, it need not be a runaway train. When the day is done you need to always remind yourself never invest more in a relationship than you can give away...
Regards,
Rose

[BrockBaby]

Thank you so much Keds for your words of encouragement and insight. I can understand what you were saying about your bson. I know that the whole "expectations" thing comes in play at times. Obviously I grew up with different "values" (I am using that word because at this time of night I can't think of another word), perhaps different customs, concerning the way that one would demonstrate their love and concern. And I have to keep reminding myself that S was trying, she did do what she could, and in ways I was shut off by the time she came around, and went into myself. Afterwards the guilt of how I felt even made me write her a message on her myspace saying thanks for making me feel special, ect. I was maybe trying to make up for the feeling that I probably didn't appear to be all that thrilled there. The truth is, she did try. When I am discussing different ways of demonstrating our love and concern, I am not talking about gifts, ect...but TALKING to the person!!!! There was also an "incident" that really made me feel even more "irritated" with the whole situation. One of N's daughters, has a boy in Fourth grade. (I own two daycare centers, and have taught for over 7 years now...so I am aware of children's behavior) Well after the candles, and singing to N and I, they went into the kitchen area to cut the cake, ect. Well this boy, D, was about to sit on a bag of chips...so I very nicely said...Oh becareful or watch out (something like that) you don't want to sit on the chips. Which he turned to me and said, You can't tell me what to do, I'll sit on the chips if I want to. I was so shocked! But my "buddy" L, who was the one who made me feel the most comfortable, was like OH MY GOSH!! A, your son needs slapped, and the story got told what happened....which then made me feel stupid while I stood there...and she was like...what?! And he was like.. THAT lady tried to tell me what to do!!!! Well his mom told him to apologize, but he didn't want to, so he said...I'm NOT sorry!!!! At that point I had had it. I was like...well I really need to get going. To her credit, she did make him come and apologize...in a way. And so then N was all like...OH YOU ARE LEAVING ALREADY!?!?!?!! I soooo wanted to be like...what in the world?!?!?! I have been here over two hours and you are NOW concerned about me!?! ugh

Sorry, I sorta got on a tangent...but it does feel good to vent it yet again!! LOL I guess that I am at the point where it's like...I don't need to feel like the way that I am because of them. Maybe I feel like I need to hold on to them, because of the fact that my bmom and I don't have ways of communicating right now!?!?!?!? Maybe I'm trying to connect with her, through her family!??!?!?! It's so odd!

Rose...thank you soooo much for that reminder of about not investing more then I can give away. It reminds me of something I would say to one of my friends, yet forget to tell myself! It's so true though, and I guess I do need to think about what I'm even willing to give away. It reminds me of that scripture about casting your pearls to pigs. Am I casting my concern and time and self into a family that really doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship?!!?!

I just can't believe that this has hit me so hard. To be honest,something like this usually doesn't bother me to the extent that this has.

[sal]

Hi Hazel... it's Ruthie...(not trying to confuse anyone... but mistaken identity has led to these "nicknames").. Early reunion is HARD... plain and simple... All of a sudden you are thrust into a FAMILY that is all strangers who have led all their lives up to this point without you. It took me alot of time and energy to finally feel the "belonging" part. I kept reminding myself that these people WERE family... and I guess you take the good with the bad. The earlier years of my reunion weren't easy... but since a connection with them... no matter what it may end up being was more important to me that my uneasiness so I kept trying. Sometimes I just sucked it up and sat through endless conversation about people I didn't know and things that I wasn't there for... BUT.. at those times.. I'd just think... "THIS wasn't ever supposed to happen...!!!!... I was never supposed to ever be here!!!" I wonder if having someone with you... like a close friend would help you feel not so alone when you're with them? I usually had my husband with me when the whole family was together so always had him to lean back on if I needed to. I remember several of the first 1-1 times with my bsis that were great but had such "newness" which created some anxiety and uneasiness just in the novelty of it all. I know that you are struggling with "if and how" you want to include bfamily in your everyday life.. and that is something that you'll have to figure out...BUT.. my only word of wisdom is to not ever close that door completely...I feel that things happen for a reason... and your connection with them was supposed to happen....I know you have stated that "expectations" word... and that's what comes to my mind as well... I guess disappointment comes when our expectations aren't fulfilled... and then it's easy to look at the other person's behavior as incorrect of incomplete since it didn't happen. You know I'm just a phone call away... Keep up the good work!!! Reunion isn't for whimps! sal (Ruthie)

[keds]

Sal, you are sooo right - reunion is definitely NOT for wimps! Also, in my case, I have to remember that my bson is trying to figure out if and how I fit into his life so I am slowly learning that I have to be more respectful of that and not expect it to be as easy for him as it is for me to throw up on my arms and say come on in!

Brockbaby - yikes! I too worked with children for 10 years and sometimes have a real problem with the lack of "respect", maybe not the right word, that some kids have when you say/do something in their best interest. I have been fortunate that most of my young relatives seem to know the difference but some of their friends have been to our home and I just shake my head at them. I usually wait for the parent to say something but when one of my nephew's chums continued to pick our dog up by one leg I had to say something - his mom was quite cross and spoke to me quite sharply "it's just a dog", to which I said well, he's just a boy but I don't think he would appreciate it if I did the same thing to him! I seemed to get the point across. No apology though. I was worried our dog, who is 14, would turn around and "show" him how upset she was but she was quite good, no bites. I'll know for the next time - she'll be allowed sanctuary in the guest room. I'm glad he apologized but it loses its meaning if it's forced.

As Sal says, when people don't meet our expectations we're disappointed no matter the situation. I guess that's a big part of my difficulties in this whole process. I was raised to put others' feelings first and, sometimes do so to my own detriment, when they don't "act or do" how I would I take it to mean that they don't care about me rather than realizing everyone has their own demons to deal with that affects their actions. Just another flaw of mine. I do hope you keep the door open as I think you mentioned that you don't have a way of communicating with your bmom and it may be possible through them. That in and of itself may make it all worthwhile.

All the best!

[BrockBaby]

Ruthie... something you said really stuck out to me, you mentioned that the "connection" was more important to you then the "uneasiness" you felt, which made me wonder if I REALLY felt that "connection" at all. Or is my uneasiness coming from the lack of connection that I really feel. I am going to ponder this! Also, that was a good observation about being "alone" at functions of this sort. It may be better if I did have someone to go with. But then, do I want to subject a friend to what may happen! Thanks for all your support, and I love our conversations!!! Good point about Reunion isn't for Wimps! Perhaps we could make tee-shirts!?!?!

Keds...I guess the part that is bothering me is I know that expectations are just our "wishes and hopes" of what will happen, or what we think "should" happen, and that reality is where life happens. So perhaps my adoptee mind is having a hard time transitioning from the "fantasy" that it has created for thirty years, to the reality that is. Maybe our expectations are based on how we percieved things should be, or how we would choose them to be, IF we had the control to do so. They may also be based on other relationships we have in life, such as with afam (in my case) and what is expected within THAT family structure...so it's hard to remember that not all families operate in the same way. It's actually sorta interesting if we think about how family dynamics are created and taught throughout the years, so it's "natural" and "normal" for those who grew up in it....perhaps I'm like the "in-law" who comes into the family later in life, and chooses if I am going to "blend" into the family, or sit on the outside of the "fam". The difference of course is that I am related by blood, while an in-law, isn't. Perhaps I can create new expectations for my bfamily. I can expect that I am not going to understand the dynamics, I can expect that I am not going to "get" everything, but that if I choose to remain in "relationship" with them, I will begin to learn the other things I can "expect" from them. The things that they are capable of giving, the thiings that they aren't capable of giving, take it for what it is...and go on! Does that make sense?!?!?!

I have a lot to think about! Thanks!!!! Have a great Monday!!!!

[irisheyes33]

Hi Brock...I haven't been on in a while but was wondering how it went with that (ugh) party...groan...

A lot of valuable things have been said to you...but I just wanted to chime in on the weirdness factor. Not that it makes it okay by any means, but do you suppose that by almost ignoring you, people were trying to "normalize" the situation? Like you've been part of the clan all along? I know I have experienced same of the same emotions that you did....with my bio-family just acting like nothing was bizarre at all and me sitting in a corner wanting to hide or die, not sure which...you don't feel like you belong but you want to, you want to be acknowledged in some special way yet at the same time you don't want any attention drawn to you...all those conflicting emotions. No, you are not being a brat! You are just adopted. It's okay to feel all that stuff.

And, flat out, some people just don't know how to behave. 'Nuff said.

[BrockBaby]

That was well said Irish. Perhaps that is what they were feeling, and of course they don't understand the whole dynamics of what it feels like to be the "outsider". While we adoptees have. I use to sorta feel like that in my afam, but since reunion I realize that I am by no means an outsider in my afam, but that I belong there through and through. (it's the one thing that was really positive from my grandpa's funeral this summer) (also, my afam NEVER made me feel like an outsider, it was something that I felt all on my own..lol)

Glad to see you...I've missed you!!!! Hope all is going better for you!!!! Perhaps one of these nights we'll catch up in chat!!!!

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by irisheyes33

And, flat out, some people just don't know how to behave. 'Nuff said.

...that's for sure... and every family's got some... ugh...

Sorry, Brock ... I do like the idea of having a companion to accompany you to family events. I prefer to have a friend with me (usually my DH) on most occasions... it just feels more comfortable.

Hope you have a restful night's sleep...

(((HUGS)))
Susan

[wilted rose]

Rose...thank you soooo much for that reminder of about not investing more then I can give away. It reminds me of something I would say to one of my friends, yet forget to tell myself! It's so true though, and I guess I do need to think about what I'm even willing to give away. It reminds me of that scripture about casting your pearls to pigs. Am I casting my concern and time and self into a family that really doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship?!!?!

I just can't believe that this has hit me so hard. To be honest,something like this usually doesn't bother me to the extent that this has.

Brock I'm wondering if you've given any thought that S may have some insecurity issues, you mentioned she was very close to your bmom growing up. I know I definitely experienced that with some of my bsisters, and it didn't come in the form of keeping me at arms length but more of arranging for me to see how close they all were in terms of history shared, etc. I know you said your bmom was never picked up, just how aware are you of the 'family dynamics' so to speak. For me I made it clear very early on I would not be party to any form of manipulation, and they soon got the picture. In any event, I also remember awkwardness when we were all together was par for the course, everyone tries to be on their 'best behavior' and as the other side of the equation, sometimes it seems like anything but,kwim?
Rose

[BrockBaby]

Susan - yes, a good nights sleep does help. And I do think that bringing someone along may help. Something you said made me think...you said "every family's got some" (speaking of people who don't know how to behave)...and it made me realize that I don't REALLY think of these people as my "family" although they are "family" when you think about it. But that raises the question, what defines family!!?? (Of course my FAMILY is my FAMILY!!! But is there room for this family as well) And as I sit here, I realize that there are things in my family dynamics that we just shrug our shoulders to and move on...only to laugh about it later! I have to allow myself to have time to see where THIS family is going. Afterall I haven't heard from a soul since the party, except for a comment on myspace by the one cousin C. (C is the one that I feel I can freely talk to the most) So do I make contact with them!?!?!?

Rose...good points. I don't think that S is trying to keep ME at arms length as much as maybe I am. I think they feel as though they KNOW me because they KNEW about me. There's a difference. I also don't think that they "get" that I don't "get" them yet!! It would be the same if I invited them to my family's gathering, although they wouldn't have the pressure and realization that THIS could have been my life!! Wow...just a thought...maybe that is part of my "issue"! The fact that when I am with them, it is in my face that THAT could have been my life!!! Something to think about!

[keds]

Brockbaby - thanks and you've given me a few things to think about - especially the "my life" issue. I never considered that when I was answering questions about my life that my bson would be thinking that could have been his life as well.

As for making contact, I'm not sure but I usually send a quick thank you note to the hostess and a brief wish that we'll get together soon (although you might want to think about that!).



Kate

[BrockBaby]

Keds...no problem, that's what we are all here for!!! You made me smile at the "you might want to think about that" concerning adding a wish to get together soon. When I think about not having contact with them, I realize that THAT is not what I want either. Maybe the upcoming holidays on the heals of my birthday, has me "super sensitive" to all these feelings. Afterall, this is my first time through all these things, and I haven't been able to see or talk to my bmom since Sept. 17th. Do you have the kind of relationship with your son that you can ask him how it makes him feel to think about "your life" as part as his "could-have-been-life"?!? The thing is, when I think about my bmom's life, and the really really bad choices that she made in it, I don't think of it as how my life would have been. Down deep I sorta have had the thought or feeling that had she had me in her life, she may never have met the guy that brought her down. (yeah I know it was her choice...but what choices did she make because of not having me in her life...I am not taking the blame..just a reality that HER identity and future was changed because of what happened when she placed me.) But, we can't go back and change what happened, nor can we speculate what MIGHT have happened. But then once again, I guess my adoptee mind doesn't know how to give up the "fantasy" afterall!!! I guess at this point, I need to evaluate what it is I want or need from these relationships...... Thanks for your insight!!!!

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

Susan - yes, a good nights sleep does help. And I do think that bringing someone along may help. Something you said made me think...you said "every family's got some" (speaking of people who don't know how to behave)...and it made me realize that I don't REALLY think of these people as my "family" although they are "family" when you think about it. But that raises the question, what defines family!!?? (Of course my FAMILY is my FAMILY!!! But is there room for this family as well) And as I sit here, I realize that there are things in my family dynamics that we just shrug our shoulders to and move on...only to laugh about it later! I have to allow myself to have time to see where THIS family is going. Afterall I haven't heard from a soul since the party, except for a comment on myspace by the one cousin C. (C is the one that I feel I can freely talk to the most) So do I make contact with them!?!?!?

Brock, I think it really is kind of like getting a family of in-laws...a whole new set of expectations and social customs, very awkward in the beginning.

My best friend for 30 years is a woman who I initially thought was rude and obnoxious. Throughout the past 30 years, I have grown to appreciate her uniqueness. She is closer to me than my own "blood" sister. She is still rude and obnoxious, by the way...

I agree with Keds, too... I would send a little note of appreciation to the hostess, and to whomever else just to say that it was "great seeing you." If you can relate to "C" better than the others, perhaps try to focus on and nurture that relationship. A short, handwritten note would be nice, though. It's hard to go wrong following 'proper etiquette' (and Miss Manners would be so pleased).

Hang in there, Brock!

Hugs,
Susan