[alphagal]

hellooo.

just curious if people's attitudes/emotions toward their birth mothers and birthfathers changed once they had children.
my husband and i are in the midst of having a baby in the next year, and i can't help thinking how i do not want my BF or birthmom to even see a picture of my baby. Almost like I would say to them (very rudely) "see i kept my baby"

obviously that would totally deteriorate the relationship i have with them, but it's almost like I get very protective just thinking about them with my children.

has anyone else gone through this???

[carolynppk]

I am the opposite, since I have children, it has made me see that she acted in my best interest, putting me above all else. My sister in law kept her children, boy what a favor she did them!!! (There is STRONG sarcasm there!) Would never dream of giving up her "flesh and blood" but a mother she ain't! And those poor kids have had to pay dearly every day of their lives.

Maybe it has put things even more into perspective for me as she was only 15 when she got pregnant with me. At the time of our reunion, my second oldest was the same age. I think it has also helped in that my older children are (were) the age she was when she had me and they have had friends that have gotten pregnant and kept their babies. And regretfully with the five I know of, they aren't anything I would call a mother. They are bothered by having to do the simplest things for their babies and there are pictures of them on their myspace with their babies while they are partying (and yes, none of them are twenty-one!). One of them has moved out and left her baby with her parents, partying is more important. Most of the times they are cute things to show off for a few minutes and then to dump on someone else.

While I know this is not the case in all teenage pregnancy, I am speaking of people I know personally either through my daughters or my nieces. And these are a wide range of girls from party girls to honor students.

I have always had a lot of love and understanding toward my birthmother and I credit my mom who was a social worker to give me this outlook. I hold no bitterness or resentment, nor wish I had been kept. (This is not to mean I don't love my bmom! I do with all my heart.)

I do believe though that having children of my own has actually given me a better perspective of just how much more of a mother she truly was, even at having me at 16, than many grown woman I know are. She put me above all else.

Carolyn

[Blessed2x.]

When I was pregnant with my children, I remember distinctly being struck by how much I already loved them and how I would do anything for them - even "give them up" if I thought it would mean a better situation for them. At the time I wondered if this is how my birthmother felt too.

[SallyLF]

Alphagal, my experience has been that of the other posters - the opposite of yours. I realized the enormous amount of selflessness it took to relinquish me, and felt her pain. But I also felt no bitterness towards her, EVER, for giving me up.

[alphagal]

i'm not bitter about being adopted at all. trust me - my life has been awesome and i wouldn't change anything because of where i am today.
this isn't an angry adoption post - i've written plenty of those out there on these forums!

i just think they don't deserve to get to share in that part of my life. like what have they done to get to celebrate something that is a part of me?

of course i have no children and am just working through the emotions i have now about having kids.

guess no one feels this way, so i'm gonna chalk it up as a phase.

[carolynppk]

Dear Alphagirl,

I am sorry that you feel like they don't "deserve" to share in your life in that way. I think there are things you are dealing with, top that with expecting, emotions are crazy.

For me, just myself, I feel like if I did that, I would be trying to punish her/them for doing something that was in my best interest. I can't pass any judgement on her for the choice she made, as I was not in her shoes. I don't know what one can handle and what is available to them. And just because one can keep their child, does not mean they should. I admire someone who knows their limitations.

I think there is more going on possibily in your adoption that brings these feelings. You stated that this was not an angry post, that you have had those though on other forums. ANd while having a child may make you thing there is nothing that would make you give up a child, what is available now, where you are in life, is very different than what she had at the time.

Congratualtions on the new baby and I hope you gain some peace on the situation.

Carolyn

[Jan18]

I ditto much of what Carolyn wrote. I couldn't wait for my bmom to see my dd. I searched for my bfamily shortly after having my dd. Actually, it wasn't until I had my dd that I had any desire to search. My dd was about 9 months old when I had my first f2f with my bmom and sisters. In a way, I see it as my bmom getting to have that piece of me as a baby that she couldn't have. My bmom was also 15, so I totally understood and was grateful for the life I had. I know she deperately wanted to keep me, but it wasn't her decision. She was too young to fight, and I am glad I had the life I did. We now have a great relationship. I am happy that my dd has another grandma and three more aunts! More love to go around in my book.

[SpecialK]

YES! I have those feelings towards my birth parents. (They married after giving me away and had 3 more children)
They have seen ALOT of my 2 kids (I have a 3.5 yr old and an almost 1 yr old) but recently I have started feeling that they "don't deserve" to see my kids. Not sure where this feeling comes from but about 6 months ago I came to the realisation that I was very angry with my birth mum for giving me away and all these feelings surfaced just after I had my daughter. I used to feel the way the other poster's have mentioned about their birth parents......ie. it was a different time, no options, they weren't given choices....blah blah blah - but I'm still angry that she gave me away and didn't fight for me.

So please know that you're not alone. I don't think I'm an angry person or a negative person but these feelings are sometimes strange for me but I just let them be. It is all part of the process for some of us to feel this way so don't feel guilty about it. I know that it means alot to me when I know other adoptees feel the way I do sometimes so I don't feel like I'm going crazy!

Hope this helps and Congratulations on your new baby!

K

[fauxgina]

Alphagal, please don't feel like you have to "chalk it up" to anything. Even if these feelings pass (which may very well happen, but that doesn't mean it's a "phase"), they are valid and natural for you.

It's wonderful that so many adoptees have been able to put themselves in their mothers' shoes when they have children of their own. But we are all different and there are bound to be women who feel like you (SpecialK, for example). Something I've learned after years of being paranoid that I was radically different from anyone else on the planet is that there is always someone else who can identify with me. So please don't feel alone or abnormal in your thoughts. Your birthmother gave you up, and that's a difficult thing to process mentally. You may know in your mind that she did the right thing in her situation (if you've reached that conclusion at all), but maybe your heart isn't listening to your head; it's what I think of when I hear the term "the human experience." All the little contradictions and hypocrisies that fill our lives and yet make sense in a wierd, obscene sense... it's all normal.

I do not plan on having children, but if I did I can easily see how I'd feel the same way as you do. I can see how I'd feel the way the others do, though, too--which only goes to show that it depends on the individual when it comes to how a person feels about something like this. As I'm sure you know, pregnancy can bring on a lot of hormones and perhaps they are clouding your emotions a bit, too; not that your feelings aren't valid, just that maybe the hormones are an influencing factor. If you're not due until the middle of next year, you have plenty of time to sift through your emotions and thoughts on the subject and either change your mind, or be happy to set aside your emotions for the benefit of your child (and bio parents), or decide that it's in everyone's best interests to keep your bio parents out of the equation. Do what's best for you and your family (the one you're creating, I mean, not your reunited one).

[sarahbunny]

I have the opposite problem, in a way. My birth mother cut off all communication after my dd was born. I don't know if the fact that we adopted dd was just too much for her - like it brought back too many memories of when she was pregnant? Or if it is the fact that since dd IS adopted, my birth mother feels zero connection to her. I feel like it is the latter - if my bmom had a genetic link to my dd then she would feel differently.

Which is a CRAPPY way to feel.

I wish I knew.

[loveajax]

alphagal, my DH had NO desire to find his birth mom (or dad) until we started the adoption process ourselves and he met with some "IRL" birth moms. i think it was the first time he could "relate" to their stories on a personal level. he has "located" his birth mom but has not contacted her yet.

you of course are entitled to feel anyway that you want! he's sort of an "indifferent" type (at least that's what he tells me!) about it all.

[wilted rose]

alphagal, I remember initially in reunion feeling like a bit of a mother bear 'so to speak'; it took me awhile to feel comfortable with introducing my children into the mix. You know I think it's probably a protective defense mechanism, makes sense? Seems like your motherly hormones are kicking in...
Rose