[gr8fuladoptee]

Aparents changed the adoptees destiny. Have you heard this saying before? I guess it's true. I mean our lives are changed when we are adopted. But that statement makes me cringe a little. What do you think?

[mom2justynsarah]

IMO, if you are a believer in destiny, then things happen the way they are supposed to be. Things happen for a reason. Things are meant to be. When Dee (bmom) chose adoption for her unborn baby, she definetly changed the dynamics of her child's life. My daughter is living a COMPLETELY different way of life than her birthfamily. But that doesn't change or take away her gentic connection to them.

If you want to look at things philosophically, both my children are being raised in a loving, warm, supportive and financially sound enviorment. My husband & I are their greates supporters and advocates. But it's what they inevitably choose to do with their lives that will be shape their own destiny.

[fauxgina]

Originally Posted by gr8fuladoptee

Aparents changed the adoptees destiny. Have you heard this saying before? I guess it's true. I mean our lives are changed when we are adopted. But that statement makes me cringe a little. What do you think?

I think you're right to equate "destiny" with "life" in this context. Destiny isn't supposed to be changeable--it's like fate. Fate is... well, it's fate! It's not about change, it's about predetermined events that will happen no matter what is done to try to make them not happen. (I'm speaking purely theoretically here because I don't believe in such things.) And fate has no place in conversations about adoption. It reinforces an adoptee's idea about him- or herself that s/he was born wrong or out of place or some such nonsense; it also may serve to reinforce a birthparent's self-destructive thoughts and tendencies, as well as an adoptive parent's feeling that they were meant to be infertile and are somehow "less" than people who can produce children. It grants some sort of "God works in mysterious ways" aura to it all, which is just another way of saying "Sh*t happens" and trying to make it sound like someone is in control of it all.

Perhaps your cringe reaction comes out of not believing in things like destiny, fate, or even God. Perhaps, too, there is an underlying feeling that surely none of this (meaning your life and all the weirdness adoptees can feel) could have been destined to happen, as if you somehow did something to deserve being taken away from your biological mother and placed with strangers. I know your adoptive parents are not strangers to you now, but they were at first, and sayings like the one you mention seem to be intended to erase the pain involved in the whole process--but they don't. Your feelings and experiences are trivialized when someone says that to you, which would make me cringe too.

[txrnr]

I believe my life is exactly as God planned it to be. At some point, I may meet my birthfamily, or maybe I won't. I don't pretend to know why this happened to my birthfamily, or if it's still an issue for them. I do know, that life it what you make of it, and I've been very fortunate to have a good one.

I'm where I was destined to be. Some of us don't get there by the same road everyone else does.

[LBaratta]

Adoption does not change our destinies. Adoptees are placed in the circumstances the Divine (to be all-encompassing) intends for them to be. We may manipulate our own opportunities, by choosing to follow them or ignoring them, but I believe our destinies are set out and our journey involves discovering that destiny.

[ocracoke]

I believe in destiny. I believe I was destined to be raised in my afamily. I just wasn't born into my afamily. However, adoption did change my life. I know I would be a completely different person if I had been raised by my bfamily. I guess, in my case, destiny was looking out for me and took the steps necessary to give me the family I was meant to have.

Samantha

[BrockBaby]

As a Christian, I look at things a bit differently, I KNOW that God had His hand on my life, but I don't neccessarily think of it as "destiny", per se. Choices were made, consequences took place, and I was placed for adoption. Was it God's intention that I was placed for adoption? I am not sure....but as a believer I believe that "all things work together for good" and I believe that my life has worked out for my good. My life is completely different then it would have been had I not been adopted. In life we ALL have choices....the bparents, the aparents, and the adoptee(we may not have chosen adoption, but we make choices about how we react to it, and our everyday life choices) I believe that God will guide me, direct me, ect but ultimately the choice to listen to Him is my own. I do not believe that God is a dictator, He gives us FREE CHOICE, but He will guide us in our life....IF we allow Him! I think that we blame too much on God, that was our own doings. Just like too many people say, "the devil made me do it", when it was really their own choice! Life is made up of circumstances, and reactions to them.......

[alinev]

As an amom, I think the focus on an "adoptees" destiny is interesting. I was raised by my own parents and cannot begin to count the number of times I wished I had been adopted. My best friend is thriving with an amazing family, friends, job etc while the rest of her bio family is toothless, dancing, addicted and jailed. Whether adopted or bio, whatever your belief system, cards get dealt. How we are able to handle it all is ultimately the most important thing.

[StarryNights™]

UGH! This brings back to mind my being constantly told look what would have happened to you had we not taken you in? <coming from my amom. This comes up almost every time when she learns something bad about bdad or bmom. I have gotten to the point where I don't tell her much of anything anymore due to that line of reasoning. Aparents I have a warning for you... DO NOT keep telling your adopted children how lucky they are or how their lives are so different since you adopted them. They will only grow to have an attitude about it and resent you.

[fauxgina]

Originally Posted by StarryNights™

UGH! This brings back to mind my being constantly told look what would have happened to you had we not taken you in? <coming from my amom. This comes up almost every time when she learns something bad about bdad or bmom. I have gotten to the point where I don't tell her much of anything anymore due to that line of reasoning.

I'm sorry your adoptive mother reacted in such a childish way to your birth parents' shortcomings--which we all have. Was she expecting them to be perfect? It's funny, birth parents seem to be insecure about what their child's adoptive parents must be like, and adoptive parents seem equally insecure about what the birth parents must be like, forgetting that everyone is only human (but also incredible in their own way)!

[StarryNights™]

Gina,

Ya know I am not sure what amom was thinking considering she knew my birth father. She was his babysitter for a good portion of his life and had my birth mother (Bdad's girlfriend) living with her and adad the last four months of bmom's pregnancy.