[Rubbler]

I’m 43 now, and it’s been a bit over ten years since I last saw my birth mother. We saw each other for about 6 months. She was a gregarious, bubbly woman but there were some issues for her that remained unresolved. Our meetings seemed to consist of her telling and retelling the story of my conception (I was the product of a knee-trembler in a back alley somewhere - how romantic!), her pregnancy (being locked away and then sent to “a home”), my relinquishment and the sad course her life then taken; all amid many tears. I did my best to console her, but I found it very difficult. No matter how I rationalised to myself that I wasn’t responsible for her life and some of its distressing outcomes (failed relationships, children that would speak to her etc) I found myself utterly weighed down with it all. Her mindset seemed to be that I was the cause that everything had fallen apart and now that I returned everything would be fixed. But I couldn’t “fix” it. I was completely unable to deal with all the neediness and, with much guilt, ended the relationship. She turned up at my door, with one of my uncles to ask me to reconsider, but I was already “gone” - just shut down emotionally. Six months later I was 30lbs heavier, taking lithium on a psych ward with major depression.

About 6 months ago my adopted mother died. In many ways it was an unnecessary death and the grief of her passing has brought up a whole load of stuff, which I am having to deal with. So as I work on these issues, after ten years I find that my birth mother is once again central to my thoughts. I have often wondered how she is, of course. Certainly, people change - I have changed a great deal in the last decade and would not make such a terminal decision now. But I feel extremely anxious about contacting her again; asking myself is there anything to be gained for either of us in rekindling our relationship?

Right now I don’t even know if she is alive or dead.

[sal]

First of all... I'm SO sorry about the loss of your amom. I lost both of my aparents in 2004..3 years after I was reunited with my bfamily...You've come to a good place. There are alot of wonderful supportive people here. Hopefully we can give you the strength to do whatever you feel you need to do. You are right... people DO change and if you DO decide to contact your bmother again...perhaps you can do so with clear boundaries and expectations so you don't get overwhelmed with her issues. I found alot of support here and with a great counselor for a few years. I wish you well...sal

[HBTrina]

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your amom. It is understandable that you may be thinking about your bmom again. In fact I think it would be a natural response.

When I was younger my adad passed away. I can remember thinking that I had a bdad out there somewhere, at that time I didn't know where. My thoughts were toward my abrothers it was their biological father who passed. They would never have a chance to have another dad. Somehow it was different for as I knew that I had a bdad, that helped me get through the grieving of my adad.

A decade is a long time and people change. If feel like you are ready to locate your bmom again you should go for it. She may have changed as well. But you will never know until you look her up.

Trina

[Nebula_Rain]

"I was 30lbs heavier, taking lithium on a psych ward with major depression."

"About 6 months ago my adopted mother died."

Please take a look at your own words.

- Your last experience with your birth mother sent you into a severe tailspin.

- It has only been 6 months since your other mother died.

You couldn't be in a more fragile position if you designed it that way.

Please be careful with you.

There is a wondeful philosophy that exists, which ironically enough takes it's cue from the birthing process. It goes something like this,

Whenever one is faced with a questionable decision, one whose outcome carries with it the potential for a lasting impact upon life, waiting 9 months before acting upon any choice -in the same way that it takes 9 months for an infant in gestation - can result in a powerful period of reflection. Creating a far greater possibility for a successful outcome.

Give yourself some time.

Good luck to you.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Rubbler

About 6 months ago my adopted mother died. In many ways it was an unnecessary death and the grief of her passing has brought up a whole load of stuff, which I am having to deal with. So as I work on these issues, after ten years I find that my birth mother is once again central to my thoughts. I have often wondered how she is, of course. Certainly, people change - I have changed a great deal in the last decade and would not make such a terminal decision now. But I feel extremely anxious about contacting her again; asking myself is there anything to be gained for either of us in rekindling our relationship?.

I am very sorry for your loss..

When I read your post I remembered how I could not stop thinking of my bson when my mom died.. Its like the grief was all mixed up..
I had not found my bson at that point..

My suggestion would be to make sure you are ready for another reunion with your bmom.. she may still be needy.. she may still be caught up in her grief..
The last stage of grief according to Kubler Ross is acceptance..

Acceptance of all the difficult things that happened connected to the relinquishment..
If she has not arrived at a place of acceptance then she may drain you again.. and not see your grief..

I think we need to take time with all this stuff.. You got the rest of your life to sort your reunion..
Make sure you are ready..

Jackie

[thediva320]

I'm sorry for the loss of your amom. My advice is that you know yourself better than anyone else in this world. If you feel that you are ready to make this journey again, I say go for it. However, I suggest that you prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Take it a step at a time, set some boundaries from the start and let her know that you cannot fix what had happened, but you both can move past it. No matter what, you are NOT responsible for HER choices or life's outcomes, no matter what she says or does. Good luck, let us know what happens.

[keds]

I am so sorry for your loss and I'm a little concerned that you said that you're still working on some issues. Please take care of yourself and make sure you are strong enough to move on and deal with whatever you might find. Ten years is a long time but I find that some people appear to have changed but when confronted with certain situations fall back into previous roles. Is there any way you could contact the "uncle" you mentioned, or have someone you trust do so, just to "feel" your way and not open yourself to more torment. I met my bson this past summer and haven't even discussed his conception, I didn't think it appropriate, I married his bdad and had 2 other children and never told them about theirs! I do hope you take the time to figure out what is best for you and that she has changed for the better. All the best.

[Rubbler]

Wow... Thanks everyone for such a caring response. I'm quite touched.

I think I will have a good long chat with my therapist about all this, then sit on it for a bit, have another chat and sit on it for a bit more...

What a nice place this, btw

[Jackiejdajda]

I hope you stay around.. what you are going through is incredibly important..
It teaches us all..

Jackie