[tista]

Hi Everyone,

I am becoming a part of this site for my husband. He is 40 years old. We were married last December and he is an adoptee. He very rarely speaks of it and, frankly, I worry about his lack of communication about this. His two siblings are also adoptees and I am very close with his sister. She has been proactive about finding her b-parents but to no avail. I guess pre-1966 adoptions in Ohio were "closed". What does that mean. if anyone knows? We are trying to get pregnant and I am concerned about congenital health problems and curious, too.

Thank you for your insight,

T

[HBTrina]

I am an adoptee from a closed adoption. A closed adoption is when the adoption records are sealed. This typically means that the records are not open to any party.

You might want to check with Ohio to find out what their laws are about closed adoptions. States will have different laws concerning the adoption records. A couple of states have open laws, where an adoptee can actually go and get their original birth certificate. Some states have a CI system which is a 3rd party that will look for the birth family for you. This is usally for a fee.

You may want to go and visit the Ohio State threads on the forums. They may have some ideas.

I hope that helps.

[sal]

I know that there has been a recent law in Ohio that allows adoptees to obtain their non identifying information from the state... this may include descriptions of the birthparents.. information surrounding the adoption... ages of bparents, etc. The names are omitted but the information may obtain clues which can lead your husband in the right direction if he chooses to search. There are some VERY knowlegeable people here that have great ideas beyond the non id..with a couple smart ones in Ohio... hopefully they'll jump in here too and share their info! Good luck...sal

[loveajax]

tista,

i am the wife of a 41 year old adoptee. after we adopted, he began to "search" for his birth mom. with some digging (including getting some non identifying info from the agency), he was able to "locate" her....He still, however, has not contacted her (not sure what is holding him back).

While you certainly may be curious and want to know about medical history, I also just wanted to let you know that you probably do not want to "push" DH too much. I was pretty pushy for a while, and then I realized it is really up to HIM as to whether/when to contact his birth family (which I suspect he will do). It's a "touchy" subject so I just wanted to share my experience here. GOOD LUCK!

[snuffie]

I know in my state (Wisconsin) there is an adoption record search agency that will help find bmom and even make the initial contact to see if she wants contact or not and to try to get medical history.
Requesting non ID is also a good idea as it can sometime give valuable "clues".
But I also have to agree with Loveajax. Your husband may not want to search. My adopted brother never felt the need to "know". Some adoptees are afraid of hurting their adoptive parents, some are afraid of rejection. There are many, many different reasons. There are a lot of very insightful books about adoption that may give an understanding.
In the end, it must be your husband's decision. I know some husband's who want to search but its just "easier" to have their wives do it. And that may be what eventually happens in your case. If so, there are definitely alot of people here who can help!

[txrnr]

I had very little curiosity about my adoption until a few months ago, and I just turned 40. Not everyone has this burning desire to know.

My parents finally bugged me enough to at least consider looking for medical info. I requested my non-id and it had enough to make me happy. I understand your desire for the medical information, but don't assume your husband is burying feelings about his adoption. He very well may be telling you the truth.

[Jan18]

I agree with the previous posters about not pushing your husband. It is a tough, personal decision to make. Once Pandora's box is opened, it can never be shut!

I am from OH. I don't know about any current law about opening records. I know that there is a state registry you can register on. I believe it is 50.00. I got the information several times, but never followed through. I was able to conduct my own search with the non-identifying information which was given to me by my adoption agency. I was very lucky. They gave me enough info. for me to find my mom in approximately two weeks.

Good luck to you. There are some wonderful search angels on the Ohio forum who can help you out. Go over there and post!

[mom2justynsarah]

My husband is 42 years old. He was born in PA, where adoption records are sealed. His adoption was handled by a lawyer named Iola Dolan. She has since been identified as a "black market" attorney. Therfore, we have no idea if the information provided on his original birth certificate is true or false.

In any case, we have both a biological and adopted child. Our son was conceived via IVF. Part of our fertility clinic's protocol is to have genetic testing done before starting a cycle.

My husband was found to carry the Tay Saks disease.
(Tay Saks is most commonly found in the Ashkanazie Jewish population). Fortunately, I was negative.

This was an extremely important discovery! First of all, it confirmed that my husband's birthparents (or at least his bmom) is Jewish! Also, if I was found to carry the same disease, we wouldn't have moved forward with a biological child.

In addition, one of my couisins (who is adopted) had a baby who died from Muscular Dystrophy. This is also a genetic disease.

I would highly recommend genetic testing for you and your hubby! At least it will give you answers and or peace of mind.

Good luck!

[loveajax]

Oddly enough, I came home last night. My MIL had just left (she cares for my DD on Wednesdays). Dh said, "Well, I did it!"

He told her that he had located his birth mom and likely will contact her. (He also told MIL that DD has visits once/year with birth parents....we had sort of been hiding this...I know...bad! But you'd have to know our elderly parents.).

I feel a real sense of relief. I know it may be opening a pandora's box, and I'm worried about all sorts of scenarios. But I think it will be really cathartic for him.

[snuffie]

That's wonderful news!

You are so right there are many scenarios. It is good to read books about search and reunion to be a bit prepared. But every situation is different.

I wish you and your husband much happiness and success!! I still feel that "knowing" no matter how a reunion turns out is better than not knowing.

Snuffie

[loveajax]

Thank you, Snuff!! Can you recommend any good books?

[carolynppk]

Each person is in their own experience with adoption. While his siblings may want to search, he may have no desire and that does not mean he is in denial or anything is wrong with him. Generally men do not search as often as women. Not to say they don't, but lets face it, men are emotionally different from women.

Do not push your husband to search, he will when and if he is ever ready. Search and reunion is a ROLLERCOASTER ride to say the least, no matter if it is a bad or good reunion. It is very emotionally draining (and I have had a great reunion!). It is something that you need to be ready and prepared to do.

Most of us are from the closed adoption era, thus we are here looking for help in searching and support with reunion. Generally most of us have not gotten family medical history. I had all six of my children before finding my birth mother, I never had a family health history. My OB/GYN was more concerned about MY health history and MY HUSBAND'S health history than the grandparents. Unless there is something that stands out in either of you. Sometimes you can contact the adoption agency that handled the adoption. Mine got a full medical history up to the time of placement and were able to give me that.

Best of luck and congratualtions on your new marriage, I just stress to let this be HIS journey, when and if he ever feels like it.

Carolyn

[aldes]

I am a male adoptee, over 40, & I've never desired to search. Most every woman I've ever had a relationship with has tried to push me to search. Fortunately, my wife has never pushed too much except for the medical thing once in awhile. I would be really offended if she were to go off searching on her own. I think you got some good advice in the above postings.

[snuffie]

"The Adoption Reunion Guide" is one that comes to mind. I'm sure some others on the forum will have more ideas. I've read "The Girls Who Went Away" - that book has true stories of girls who were sent away to unwed mother homes in the era of closed adoption. So it could give an idea of what your husband's bmom may have gone through.

[loveajax]

Thanks, Snuff! We know enough to know that DH's birth mom had three children, placed two for adoption and then had another so I don't think this was a "Girls Who Went Away" type situation. But I will look for the reunion book. I appreciate it!