[Charlieanne]

I have known the where abouts of my bmother for around 10 years, but as of yet I have not attempted contact of any kind, I'm not sure if it is really what I want, both my adopted parents have passed away and of course I hold a loyalty to them still, I had a very happy and fulfilling childhood and they were ok with the idea of me tracing my bmum.

I have two children myself now aged 20 and 16 who do not know that I am adopted.

I am not sure what is holding me back and i'm worried that if I leave it to long it will be to late, my bmum went on to have two more children who are now in their 30's, its so weird to think I know things about these people whom i'm related too but don't know what they look like!

I think what i'm really after is some sound advice about what I should do, as I can't seem to make my mind up on my own, I have talked to a close friend about it but it's difficult for her to understand how i'm feeling as she has no experiance with adoption.

[txrnr]

I haven't known for near as long as you...just a few months, but I do think it's strange that I have all this info, and I'm not sure at all what to do with it. I always said I had no desire to search, but now that I know, can I just do nothing?

No advice, I just thought I'd commiserate a bit.

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Charlieanne: I don't think it is a question of loyalty to you parents you know how much they mean to you and it is apparent that you do care for them. You don't have to meet your bmom face to face for the first contact. Try writing her a letter, tell her about yourself, explain that you are curious about her and your adoption, that and see how she responds. It sounds like you are really interested in getting in contact with her. It never hurts to try and you don't have to move fast just take it slow. I personally still haven't met my bmom f2f yet, (I have known for almost a year) I'm not ready to deal with the emotions yet. But I do talk to her on the phone quite a bit. That only happened recently, before it was only letters and email. Take your time. Hope this helps a bit.

[jrainbow]

It is obvious that you have very mixed feelings about all this. I felt the same loyalty toward my adoptive parents that you do. But I also know that they loved me and that they would have always supported me if it would make me happy.

I think the most telling part of your posting is that you have known for about 10 years and, although you haven't contacted them, you are still finding out things, still have it on your mind, still thinking about it. I am in reunion for 2 months - not nearly as long as some. But I will tell you, for me it has been incredible. Just being able to write down medical history for the 1st time was great. I got to say thank you and that I had had marvelous parents who loved me and that they had done the right thing. I know that I have healed an open wound that my birthmom had ... not knowing. I am developing a relationship with bmom but even if I wasn't I still believe that it would have completed something that I really didn't realize I was missing.

You have to do what you believe in your heart is right ... and it has to be in the right time. But, in my opinion, knowing is better than worrying about it. What is the worst that could happen - can you live with that? The upside is wide open. But in any case, I would find a way to tell my kids. My kids are the similar in age to yours and they have always know I was adopted and now they know about my birthparents. It makes no difference to them emotionally. But it does make a difference medically.

I wish you peace as you make your decision. I will share that, in my case, my bmom was very concerned with not pushing me at all. She believed that she had no rights to anything and that everything should be my decision. So I could have gone as slow as I wanted and it would have still been a good thing. But as usual, the first step is the very hardest. Do whatever your heart tells you ... and quit trying to let your brain decide.

Jill

[wilted rose]

Charlieanne, as I was reading your post what most concerned me is the fact that you haven't been able to share with your adult children you're an adoptee, perhaps you may want to begin there. Explore emotionally what that experience has been for you and hopefully you can come to a place where you feel free and open to discuss it. Then if you wish to pursue contact you'll be going into it without having to do it in secret, which for some of us adoptees can compact feelings of guilt and shame. Just my thoughts...
Rose

[phoenix11]

HI Charlene, I'm currently in search as well. I am also a moderator for an adoptee group on another site altogether where Ive walked through every step of the search process from scratch, meaning from the point where the adoptee(s) had no info at all, through to reunion.

Loyalties aside, such as another poster mentioned, this is not a question of loyalties, this is a different bucket of nuts and bolts all on its own. Although very admirable to be so loyal!

First thing, what makes this such a difficult decision is that it's an all or nothing situation. Its like deciding if you want to get wet when you're going swimming, if you decide to jump in you cant get a little wet. Its either you're in or your out. With that said, if you do decide to make contact your life will inevitably change for ever, albeit a good outcome or not so good out come. With that in mind, I'd recommend to try & figure out what it is you're hoping to achieve by making contact. Are you looking for a full reunion? Biological history? Lifelong curiousity? All the above? Even if you cant decide, at least you'll have taken it under consideration and contemplated certain aspects, it'll at least help prepare you for possible outcomes this journey will have if you choose to do so.

If you make contact, and this is the biggie, prepare yourself for 1 of 2 directions this could take. Unfortuantley you may not be accepted which is every adoptee's fear, or you will be accepted. This is what I mean by your life will change if you choose to make contact, if you are not accepted you'll have to deal with the flood of emotions and confusion of why she wouldnt accept you, for a long time to come it seems. On the other hand if, and I hope you are, accepted things go fast. This is great for some adoptees and not so great for others, but you'll know when you get to that bridge to cross.

Im not saying all this to make you sway one way or the other, only to inform you of the very real possibilities that exist before you. On the same token if you decide not to make contact the curiousity will bug you for a long time to come too. Us adoptees from the closed adoption realm are put in one heck of a pickle, there's no 2 ways about it, and that's why I agree with another poster that said you have to do what you feel is right in your heart. That's more truth then what I wrote here.

What to do in the mean time? Search and locate your bmom the best you can while you're making up your mind and make as certain as possible that you have the right woman. In the midst of doing all that write that letter too, but start off with a practice letter that you wont send. Once you begin writing you might find you have more to say than you ever imagined, and thats great, what ever it is that comes to mind write it, write it all. What ever is on your mind let keep on going until you run out of thoughts, ink, pens, paper, counter space...

The first letter I sat down to write I found I was overwhelmed with what to write! I mean what was I going to write to the lady who brought me into this world that I've been dreaming about for decades??!! I just started writing and I found other stuff coming out too, I found I was more emotional than I ever imagined I might be. I couldnt figure out why either, i was taken home from the hospital at 4 days old.

Remember, no 2 journeys to reunion or contact are the same. I wish you the best of luck and a fortunate journey! No matter if it turns out good or bad, its going to be one hell-of-a ride.

Sincerely,
~John

[Charlieanne]

Thank you all for replying to my post-it was my first one as I am a new member and was a little nervous about the kind of replies I would receive.


Some of you have commented on the fact that my children are unaware of my adoption, and to be perfectly honest it never struck me as strange that I have never discussed this with them, they were both extreamly close to my adoptive parents and my daughter especially had a very difficult time after their deaths, I think she and my son would find the fact that they were not related by blood very difficult to bare(they were the only family we had) and as a single parent its my job to protect my children,..... isn't it? But if contact was made and everything goes ok then I would tell them eventually about my adoption I just feel that they don't need to be worrying about something that may never happen. It does concern me that maybe I am using this as some kind of barrier to moving forward with making contact with my bmum.

Phoenix11 remarked "curiousity will bug you for a long time to come" This is so true and this is what has played on my mind most of my life (I was told I was adopted at the age of 9--I'm now 39) but especially over the last 10 years, since finding out where my bmum is living--I am curious to know if I look like my bmum (as both my children look just like me) and I have no-one to compare myself to. Is this normal?

making contact is the biggest decision I have ever had to make and it frightens the pants off me.

This web site has been a god send for me, making me realise that after all this time I'm not alone in my undecided state of mind.

Maybe one day I will decide to move forward but perhapes I'm not yet ready--maybe I should follow my heart and not my head but I am frightened of being rejected (again) and opening a can of worms that I can't close.

I TOLD YOU I WAS CONFUSED!!!!!!

[Jan18]

I agree with the previous posters who say to go with your heart. It is a huge risk in opening yourself up to strangers. I've been in reunion for almost 2 years. The first year was pretty bumpy. My mom let me pave the way, but it was very emotional and heart breaking at times. You never know what you may find. I love my new found family to death, but they have had a much more difficult life then me.

I thought about searching several times throughout the years and finally did a serious search after the birth of my daughter. I was always afraid of what I may find or that these "people" would expect me to be a memeber of their family and intrude on my life. Well, I am a member of the family, but it has happened slowly and on everyones' terms.

I like what the previous poster said about writing a letter to your bmom. See where it goes from there. I also think your children need to know that you are adopted. It is important for them to have this info. just for medical purposes. They are probably giving their doctors their medical history based on your parents.

Keep reading and posting. This is a great place for support!

[irisheyes33]

Hi Charlieanne,

It is very common for an adoptee to be motivated to search - or in my case, finish searching - after the birth of their children. You are not alone there either!

I agree with what others have said - please, please tell your children. It may not be as big of an ordeal as you imagine it to be. The longer you wait though, the harder it may be for all of you. Even if you decide not to go forward with making contact, your children really do need to know...for medical reasons if for nothing else.

The part of wanting to know if you look like your birth mother is also very normal...even many adoptees who never desire to search have that natural curiosity. I expected that my birth mother would look like me, but finding out that she nearly cloned herself was an incredible shock We actually thoroughly enjoy that part of our reunion. Aside from the drama, there can also be plenty of upsides!

[KristinSullivan]

Charlieanne . . making contact can be very emotionally devastating to an adoptee who has had a good life with his or her adoptive parents.

It would be a good idea to sit down with your children, and tell them all about it.
They will probably suggest you go forth, and try to find your birth family.

I think making contact can help put an end to the mystery, and maybe help to find out some family medical history, which can be so important for you and your children.

Besides, you may have siblings who would want to know you. Do you want to know them?

Some birth moms would rather not have contact for some reason . . we can't fault them for that. This is something that could happen.

As a search angel, I've come across this a number of times. These birth mothers never told anyone of the adoptees, and they couldn't upset the family circle with this information at this time in their lives. But, this has not happened too many times in my years of searching.

Kristin

[jrainbow]

My kids were both very close to my aparents. We have laughed for years that my daughter got her shopping genes from my amom -must be by osmosis. They have always known about my adoption and it never affected their relationship with my aparents. They were their grandparents just like they were my parents. My adopted family is my family and it was never confusing to my kids - probably because it wasn't confusing to me.

I will tell you that several times in the last 10 years my daughter has had medical issues where she has talked to the doctor on her own. Each time she gave medical history - using my adoptive parents - until I mentioned it to her and she had to go back to the doctor and amend it. She just didn't think about them not being related. Both times, the doctor had made assumptions based on my amom's medical history - which obviously was not something that affected my daughter.

I certainly understand your protecting your children and, if you didn't find out until 9, I'm sure that this knowledge was tramatic for you. But, for your children's sake, they need the truth. You know you are adopted and you still love your aparents. By the way, I have reunited with my bmom and my parents are still my parents - and to my kids, my parents are still their grandparents.

Just some thoughts.
Good luck to you.

[wonder]

I know exactly how you feel re making contact. both my adopted parents have since died as well. All I want is an Irish passport - to which I am entitled. The problem is - I have no way of tracing my bio father. I don't even have his name. If I get my bio mother contact details - what do I do re her wanting to contact me? All I want is - as I said - an Irish passport.

I have since found out my biological mother's name. it is Anna Katrina Alletta Nel. She apparently stayed at the Royal Hotel in Cathcart (South Africa) Shortly before giving birth to me in 1964.

Can anyone please tell me what hospitals existed in Cathcart at that time? Also - how would I obtain the hospital records? I need things like her ID number and what name she put down as the father.

I really would appreciate some assistance with this.

I was adopted in 1964. My adoptive parents lived in Fort Beaufort (Eastern Cape) at the time. They fetched me from Queenstown adoption agency. Apparently - I was the first adopted baby in Fort Beaufort at the time (This is based on information given to me from my adoptive parents). I was christened in the Dutch Reformed Church (A request from my biological mother). The church was packed to such an extent that people stood outside the church.(This is also based on information given to me from my adoptive parents). There was also an article in the local Newspaper at some stage. I don’t know if this was when "I arrived" or if it was of the christening.

I have no idea how I can go about obtaining details of my biological parents. All I know is - she was Afrikaans and he was Irish. She worked in a Post Office.

The reason for my search is - I believe that - if my biological father was Irish - then I am entitled to an Irish Passport. I have no names, addresses or anything like that. I don’t know if he lived in this Country at some stage or if he was just passing through.

How do I get the information I need and how do I obtain a copy of the Newspaper article that was apparently published sometime in 1964. Possibly in July 1964.

The newspaper article that was published in the local paper in Fort Beaufort - way back in 1964. probably around July 1964. The article was about (apparently) the first adopted baby in the town at that stage. Can anyone help me find this article?

[wonder]

I have since found out my biological mother's name. it is Anna Katrina Alletta Nel. She apparently stayed at the Royal Hotel in Cathcart Shortly before giving birth to me in 1964.

Can anyone please tell me what hospitals existed in Cathcart at that time? Also - how would I obtain the hospital records? I need things like her ID number and what name she put down as the father.

I really would appreciate some assistance with this.

I was adopted in 1964. My adoptive parents lived in Fort Beaufort (Eastern Cape) at the time. They fetched me from Queenstown adoption agency. Apparently - I was the first adopted baby in Fort Beaufort at the time (This is based on information given to me from my adoptive parents). I was christened in the Dutch Reformed Church (A request from my biological mother). The church was packed to such an extent that people stood outside the church.(This is also based on information given to me from my adoptive parents). There was also an article in the local Newspaper at some stage. I don’t know if this was when "I arrived" or if it was of the christening.

I have no idea how I can go about obtaining details of my biological parents. All I know is - she was Afrikaans and he was Irish. She worked in a Post Office.

The reason for my search is - I believe that - if my biological father was Irish - then I am entitled to an Irish Passport. I have no names, addresses or anything like that. I don’t know if he lived in this Country at some stage or if he was just passing through.

How do I get the information I need and how do I obtain a copy of the Newspaper article that was apparently published sometime in 1964. Possibly in July 1964.

The newspaper article that was published in the local paper in Fort Beaufort - way back in 1964. probably around July 1964. The article was about (apparently) the first adopted baby in the town at that stage. Can anyone help me find this article?

[Charlieanne]

Thank you for all your replies--it has been interesting to read the advice and views of others, if anything it has made me realise that perhapes it is important that my children are made aware of my adoption even for only medical purposes and I have decided to talk to them about it.


I have also decided to write a letter to my bmum and would be very grateful for any advice on what i should and should not put in the letter.

I'm not sure I would have come to this decision without this website and the advice shared by others........I hope you all realise how important you are to people like me who are confused and unsure of how to start the process!!

[kakuehl]

Charlieanne, I'm a birthmom with a couple of thoughts for you. First, remember that your aparents are your family. Having a relationship with your bfamily does not change that! If/when you tell your children, please make sure that they understand that. My bson D's parents are still alive and it's fun for me to watch D's parents with D's children. They are Grandma and Grandpa. I'm Kathy; we have a great relationship too, but I don't see it as a conflict (and I hope D's mom doesn't either). (I tease J that I'm her illegal mother-in-law.)

I just went back and read D's first email to me. I'm not sure it's relevant to your letter writing, since I actually had found him. I contacted his parents who gave him the info and then it was up to him to decide if or when to contact me.

D startes by saying he didn't know how to start (LOL); he wrote: I'm not really sure where or how to start. I know you have been waiting to hear from me. I suppose I have been waiting to hear from you for years and now that it has finally happened I'm not sure what to say... I have been thinking about writing this for several weeks now and it isn't getting any easier. I guess the best course of action to take is a little at a time.

He went on to tell me about his family. And ended by saying that would do for a start and that he was sure he'd think of more questions as time went on it. That we would take things bit by bit.

I don't know if any of that helps. He knew of course that I was waiting to hear from him.

I'm sure others who have written that first letter will have better suggestions for you!