[Amandak249]

I have been in contact with my birth family for about 6 years now. At first meeting, both my birth sister (Ellen) and I , were very close. There is a two year age difference between us (she's two years younger) and when we were both young, that hardly mattered to us. We handled our relationship with poise. We would chit-chat on the phone occasionally, and we got along great when she came to visit ( they live on the other side of the country). However the primary interest for me was my birth father(my birth mother is very often not in the picture, which is often a relief).He has been very kind to me, often funding my way to many amazing opportunities( a year abroad , expensive gifts..etc) . He is very kind to me, and I respect and adore him. His girlfriend, Cindy, is just as wonderful (if not more so!) Lately though ( the past few years almost..) Ellen has show a considerable dislike to me. She is jealous of the love our biological father bestows on me. She still resides with him, and always has. She becomes insanely jealous every time I have ever gone down to visit, to the point of being outright cruel to me. Ellen is still in her teens, and is very spoiled and immature. But her constant , blatant attacks towards me have left me with many wounds. My birth father is aware of this, but tells me that she is acting on "animal instincts". He tells me that its normal for her to be jealous,but shes worried I'll become the only outlet of his affections. Ellen has now graduated to talking about me cruelly about me to people who I was/am friends with. Any dirt she can dig up on me, she will , as she wants to make me look bad in front of her father. This never actually works, as he sees through the facade, but her intentions and deliberate ferocity hurt me very deeply. Although I have tolerated this for nearly two years, the time has come that I just cannot accept it anymore. Some days Ellen loves me, some days she hates me. I have canceled a trip to their home already this summer, on account of Ellen's "misbehaving". I feel like I am trapped in something I did not bargain for. I would hate to cut off all connections with my birth father, and his extended family, but at this point I am so fed up, and so hurt, I don't know what else to do.I have told him how this affects me. I do not want to hurt his feelings. I've formed a relationship with him that I am reluctant to lose, but I really feel as if this is just one more added stress in my life that I simply do not need.

Does anyone have any similar experiences, words of advice? My adoptive parents and entire family are quite fed up with this child, but have left the decision up to me.

I did not bargain for this.

[SuddenlySusan]

Amanda, I do not have any experience like what you have described, but I just hope that you are able to somehow maintain your connection to your father. Eventually, Ellen will grow up/older and leave his home. In the meanwhile, when you visit perhaps you can stay at a hotel, and visit with your father outside his home.

My thoughts are with you... (((hugs)))
Peace,
Susan
(bmom in reunion)

[anneo]

If your b-dad can come visit you, I'd suggest doing that from time to time. I hope things get better, but if I were in that position I wouldn't cut off contact with him because of that.

[Amandak249]

I know it would be...slightly.. rash to cut off contact. But the amount of stress it is causing me is overwhelming. My sister continues to "spin things around" claiming that she can "forgive me". When I will stand firm in the claim that I have done nothing to offend her.


I am fed up, exhausted, and absolutely despondent.

[txrnr]

I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm glad that your father sees through your sister. Hopefully he'll gently put her in her place soon. Jealousy is an awful thing. Taking the high road is difficult, but I'm sure you'll be rewarded eventually.

[kakuehl]

Like the others, I would not sever the relationship with your father at all possible. You may need to say to your sister, I will talk with you, etc, when you can be civil and not lie about me. Continue to call your dad, write him, etc.

As far as forgiving you, it's probably for being born! I know my bson has worried occasionally about whether my other son resents him. ( Not as far as I can tell, btw)

[ticchick]

Before cutting off contact I would try perhaps politely declining some of these monetary gifts- it sounds as if that is possibly the root of the problem. Does he do the same for her? Could she feel that you are coming around for the money..? I don't know, I don't have enough information to make that judgement. But perhaps if you took your bfather aside and told him that maybe it would help if he did not give you all the money and gifts quite so blatantly. This might help- she might feel that you are trying to "edge in" on what she thinks should be hers. That is only my two cents, however.

[lilolil]

Amanda it sounds like your birth father is an incredible man. You definitely should not let your bad experiences with his daughter cloud your reunion with him. It is not your fault you are in this situation. Then again you must only do this is you're happy to do it.

I think from the sounds of it, it's more important to you to keep in touch with your bfather than to cut all ties and not have to listen to this child interfering.

You should play by ur own rules, as some of the suggestions have implied. Meet him outside his home, don't invlove this girl until she's wised up.

I do hope you can resolve this. I have not had much luck myself but then again I wasn't given a decision to make it was made for me. You really need to look after yourself in this situation and make sure you're happy doing whatever it is you decide. Think long and hard and I wish you the best of luck.
take care

[Amandak249]

I really appreciate all the answers I've gotten ! He really is a wonderful man. He just has some..boundary issues. He is in an awkward position, and I understand that it is sometimes hard for him to understand that my sister just doesn't want me around. He feels like just because we are "blood-related" that we just HAVE to love eachother, and that our love is clouded by jealousy.

Truthfully, after all shes done, I really don't feel much of anything positive towards her. I do, however, adore him and appreciate how kind he has been to me. I'll follow the advice, and just keep my sister out of the equation.

--Amanda

[fauxgina]

It sounds like you've got things under control, Amanda. You're absolutely justified in being angered that your sister would be so immature and spoiled about your relationship with your dad, and if ignoring her will make your life less painful then that's the way to go. I just want to remind you that teenagers are often inconsiderate raging balls of hormones and your sister will most likely stop acting like a brat as she matures. She is probably jealous because you're getting more attention than her for the simple reason that you have so much catching up to do with your dad and she's feeling left out. Maybe things will ease off as the honeymoon period draws to an end and things normalize; if not, give her some time to learn a few things about the world and she should come around before long.

It is a bit naive of your dad to think that just because you're related to your sister that the two of you would (and should) get along famously. However, think of it from his point of view: he's got two lovely daughters and wants you both to love each other as much as he loves each of you!

[phoenix11]

Hi Amanda! Im sorry for the hurt that this situation has cast upon you, its an incredibly sensitive and frustrating situation as you know. The overlying theme in this situation is about territory and attention, and your bsis certainly feels you're are invading upon her. Where I certainly dont agree with her behavior I can understand her position, and yes she's acting like an immature teenie bopper as a result.

Perhaps if we look at her situation based upon what you have shared here it could give you a better approach to this situation. Allow me to preface this by saying this has nothing to do with the aspects of right or wrong, just a perspective of the reality of this situation. You mention that its better that you bmom isnt always in the picture, this suggests there's a little turmoil that surrounds her. Im guessing Ellen's relationship with her mom isnt all that great, and she has taken the toll of a divorce I gather too. If this is true then from Ellen's perspective she has a rocky relationship at best with her mom, gone through a divorce, dealing with the teen hormones, and the one person that has become her rock for so long she suddenly has to share with a girl that's come out of the blue- meaning she has to share daddy's attention with someone and therefor doesnt get 100%. Im not too certain it's about the money itself as much as it's the expression of affection that you bdad shows by providing some cool opportunities. So all this in a nut shell, Ellen is acting like a selfish idiot because she has to share her daddy and is doing everything she can to reclaim her territory.

This puts you in an incredibly difficult situation because it has never been your intention to become between anyone. Now, no matter what move you make it will have some sort of impact upon the relationship that's been created within the family. Its obvious you don't want to cut off the relationship with your bdad because it seems there's something really good going on there. Perhaps taking this head on in an appropriate fashion wouldn't be a bad idea. Have you considered asking your dad to have you 3 sit down and talk about what's going on? Ask Ellen directly why she's behaving in the manner she has. At least put her in a little bit of a position to be accountable for her actions at this point. Ask why she's being mean to you and being manipulative. Ask her if she doesnt want you around anymore. This should be done with your dad present so she can't side step any accusations, and with an ultra calm tone. Sure this is a ballsy thing to do, and unfortunately I dont know if you feel close enough to the family to suggest something of this caliber, but it's worth attempting to clear the air, to make you feel better and perhaps even her.

Sure she could be being just a total which, but what happens if she breaks down in a conversation in the above and confesses that she's feeling hurt, less loved, and like "daddy" loves some one else more? (even though all this isnt close to the truth). Hey, you know how teenagers are.

If you walk away at this point i would fear you & likely your bdad will be upset and hurt that things went in this direction, all over a confused teenage girl.

I would say walking away should be your last alternative. Again, I dont agree with her actions- not even a little- but it doenst seem her life has been a picnic. At the very least, even if my above theory is wrong, figure out why she could be behaving in this manner and use that as your ally to resolve this issue.

best wishes and I'll keep my fingers crossed.
~John

[Amandak249]

You hit the nail on the head phoenix. Ellens life has NOT been a picnic. The realationship with her mom is shaky (her mom is also my mom..but I don't have any relationship with her). But truthfully, Ellen has gone SO much out of her way to ..do things to me.. that the fact that her life has been tumultuous hardly is an excuse. This situation has been hard on my whole life ( I was adopted as a young child..but not young enough not to have some recollections). I am old enough to be able to see and understand Ellens pain. She is not old enough to see mine. She cares only for herself, and is in that teenage stage where she really DOESN'T care if we ever have a relationship. She doesn't care how I feel. She has demonstrated this. I have been SOBBING in the car next to her, because of her actions, and she has simply put in her headphones, and zoned me out.

I am a big believer in talking things out as well, because I was raised to be such a person. Unfortunately I've tried many times. She denies that anything is wrong. When she DOES admit it however, it's always my fault. She can't "love me" because of what "I've done". No specifics are ever given on the topic of what I've done, she justr " knows" that I'm evil.


She in no way can be apart of Dave and my relationship. She just isn't ready. Unfortunately, I have become a scapegoat for her feelings of "rejection".You know, as if I haven't had any of my own.


Sigh. I hope this sheds a little more light on the situation.

[NYLM]

That's how some people are. They don't know what they got 'til it's gone. Just met my BD about 3 months ago. His kids & wife gave him a really hard time about the whole situation, which has contributed a great deal to his failing health.

Needless to say BS & BB played an Oscar-award winning hypocrissy role and act as if they are sheltering BD from ME....yes lil ol me!

One of my BS had the audacity to suggest that I was after something other than reuniting. What a heiffer!