[fauxgina]

Hi all, I've got a question for adoptees whose birthmothers are mentally retarded to any degree. I'm not using the term as a derogatory one, but to refer to women whose mental capacity has been, well, retarded.

The reason I ask is that I'm scared to even search for my birthmother because my adoptive parents have told me that she is "mildly retarded." I'm not sure what that means (i.e., which mental capacities are affected), but it may be one of the factors resulting in my relinquishment. I'm scared that she won't be "adult" enough to handle a reunion, or to be able to give me the support I'll need if we ever try to establish a relationship. I don't want to have to mother my birthmother. It's selfish, and perhaps I'm being a bit shallow and/or naieve, but I honestly don't know if I should bother. I don't want to seem cruel, but I've had enough problems in my life, you know? Has anyone had experience with this sort of thing? I'd love to hear about it. My apologies if I offend anyone, because I'm just asking an honest question; I can't help my ignorance regarding this.

Many thanks,
Gina

[wilted rose]

Hi Gina, my bmother wasn't retarded, however I knew before I began searching I would be having to deal with some heavy issues with my bfamily. Primarily this is the reason I chose not to search in my twenties. When I was close to forty I decided I was at a place in my life where I was as emotionally prepared for any outcome as I possibly could be. In hindsight now that I have reunion behind me, I've no doubt my choice was the right one...
When a marathon runner, takes on the biggest run of her life she prepares, and prepares and prepares, she dosen't go into it with an leg injury...
Just my thoughts...
Rose

[reiscmi]

Hi Gina -
My birthmother found me 11 years ago and when I first met her I knew something was "off" but couldn't place what was "off". I don't have much contact with her anymore except for letters and maybe a yearly phone call, but when we were in contact it was as if I was the mother and she was the child. I found out about 4 years ago that my bmother is high functioning autistic and also has bipolar. That was a big ah ha moment for me finally knowing what was "off" with my bmom. You have an advantage imo in that you already know that your bmother might be special needs. It was realllllyyyyy tough for me in the beginning of our reunion not knowing this information. I would cry a lot because she was unable to offer any emotional support to me but constantly expected it from me. I would also cry at the hurtful comments she would make. Now I realize her behavior was a product of her diabilities so it has been easier to forgive and let go. You are not being shallow by any means in wondering if you should make contact with your mom. It has been an extra challenge for me because of my mom's disabilities.

I hope my post helps you with your decision.

michelle

[bumblebeeskies]

Gina,

Last year I helped another adoptee who was wanting to find her bmom. I felt SO horrible for her because of what I found. Her bmom is mildly retarded, has to live with a care taker, can't cook, manage her money etc. For whatever reason, this bmom had not had contact w/ her own family in many years. She also did not have any other children. A HUGE part of why I felt so guilty, was because I knew if it had happened to me, I would have felt responsible for her. A child should not have to feel like that. Reunion is a very emotional thing, and both you and your bmom deserve to have your needs met. What do you do though, when you find a bmom that functions like an 8 year old or a 5 year old? They are not capable of reciprocating. Have you gotten your non-id info from the agency that you were adopted through? If you haven't, you need to call and request it. At the same time, you need to see if they will tell you the extent of her retardation. You could always search for her, and try to gauge her abilities for yourself, from afar. Maybe find out if she works, where she works, who she lives w/ etc. If what you find doesn't look good, I would have to say to leave it alone.

I did a search a few years back, and found that the bmom's son had recently died. As painful as that is, I still felt 100% worse, when I found that mentally retarded bmom.

[zxczxcasdasd]

My DS recently reunited with his bmom and although the issue wasn't retardation, she has severe mental illness that requires heavy medication and leaves her in a very sad state, physically and mentally, needing constant medical and psychiatric care. I know that DS is still a bit bowled over by actually seeing her and the state she's in and figuring out how to move forward in the situation.

At this point, his stated intention, if it helps anyone, is to make sure that she always knows that he's okay and what's generally going on his life and to always be respectful, polite and gentlemanly in any contact with her, and to just take each day, each contact, and each issue as it comes. Rather than trying to "take on" an entire situation, he just deals with what comes, as it comes

[lupa]

My mother(b) is 'special'. And I accept and love her the way she is. Really getting to know my b.mother was and is the biggest gift and task in my life.