[kakuehl]

As I have said before, I don't mind D calling me Kathy. I love the connection we have even though I'm still trying to figure it out (it'll probably take the next 34 years...)but R & S are his Dad and Mom. Gemini, I do have to admit being referred to as SHE or HER would bother me.

[gemini678]

I don't have any other term to call HER. I will not refer to her as birthmother, but that is my choice due to our situation. We don't have a relationship. For years she denied even having me. What am I supposed to call HER?? I used the term birthlady and someone was touchy about that term and suggested that I use SHE or HER instead. When I talk about HER to others, I use HER name but I don't feel comfortable using that here. What do you suggest??

[cnb1099]

Gemini- I have a fairly decent relationship with my bmom (we have only been in reunion for a little over a year) but I like you call my mom and dad, mom and dad. I refer to my bmom by her first name to others and when I talk to her, but when I am here I just use her first initial, J. Just though it may be an option for you!

[kakuehl]

Gemini - I have the same suggestion that cnb makes: simply use the first initial of her name (or any other initial). As I read threads by adoptees who don't feel connected with their adopted parents, it saddens me. As far as I am concerned, D's parents are R & S. I don't expect him to ever call me anything except Kathy. My problem with she and her, for me, is that I have so often heard those terms used as (sort-of) proper names in a derogatory manner. My brother-in-law, for instance, refers to my sister as "she" is a way that does not respect her. Also, when you use all caps only for she and her, to me it shouts disdain. (That's problem with electronic media... you don't have facial expressions or tone of voice to help project emotion/intention.)

I am sharing with you, how I feel; I recognize that may not be your intention at all. ("Birth mothers" can be sort of touchy... some of us have been shamed and condemned by others over the years.) Language is always a problem. One thing I learned in seminary is that none of us speaks exactly the same language.

[BrockBaby]

I was rereading this, and I like the idea of calling her D...saves time typing out my bmom all the time!!! And last night, when I was talking with her about smoking...how she shouldn't be with her conditions!.... I did say, D, D, D!!! It was the first time I "called" her by any name or title. She didn't react...so it must not have bothered her. She did introduce me to an aide or nurse as her daughter...that felt odd. I guess I am though! But part of me wanted to explain that she didn't raise me though!! What is up with that?!!?

[kakuehl]

Brock, I think that's a prefectly normal response on your part. Only you can decide if there's an emotion like anger or resentment because she didn't raise you or perhaps a desire to make sure it's clear that your parents (who adopted you) are the ones who raised you. The problem for adoptees (and birth parents) is always to acknowlege the birth tie while recognising the parents who made you part of their family.

For me, there is joy (and some pride) in being able to say "this is my son." Sometimes it's so complicated to then say (especially to those who don't know the story), "The one I placed for adoption when he was born." As I've said before, it's bittersweet. (I will say it's easier for me now to answer the doctor honestly when he asked how many children I have -- and is really asking how many times I've given birth.) D is and always will be my first born whom I love very much. I will never be his mother (or mom) in the way that S is. I suspect your bmom feels the same way. She finally can say- this is my daughter - the one I gave birth to. She knows, possible with pain, that she will never be the same as the mom who raised you. (Ok - maybe I'm projecting myself into your situation!)

[gemini678]

Hi All,
I apologize, I wasn't trying to scream 'her' but wanted to put emphasis on it. Even though I don't have much respect for 'her' I don't want to be disrespectful to other birthmothers here.
It seems as though whenever I'm truthful about my mess, I offend someone. That's what brought me here. A cousin(biological) was offended by something I said about my situation and I thought I needed to speak to others that was more familiar with these issues. I could not get her to understand why I felt the way I do about certain things. But when I came here and began to read what others were saying, I felt normal(whatever that means).

[kakuehl]

Gemini, I'm glad you feel "normal" here because you are. There really is no one right way to feel! Please do not let anyone dismiss your feeling or tell you that you can't/shouldn't feel that way when you do! When I responded about the SHE, it was about MY feelings not yours. I am glad you are here and I hope you find it a safe place to vent! as well as to learn and grow.

Anyway, again welcome,

[irisheyes33]

I'm liking the idea of referring to my birth mom on here as "K", simply because neither she nor I particularly care for the "birthmother" "birth mother" or variants...but we do use those terms publicly since they seem to be the most universally understood.

[lonni]

At first, I called her by her first name. After 2 years I called her Mom Jo. Then after 5 years I now call her Mom.

[deboyd2b]

I understand how you feel in away cause my mom left when I was 4 and didn't come back till I was 16. At which time I was pregnant. I was convienced that adoption was the right thing to do to give her two parents that could do and give her the best life possible. I was told I could never be a mother to her cause I was a child my self and I couldn't even take care of myself. I was made to feel like I was being selfish for wanting to keep my baby. So being 16 and very easily influinced I give her up for adoption when she was only 3 days old and from the time they took her from my arms I never ever got over the regret of not just taking off with her and raising her my self it will be 26 years since I have seen her, even though in april we were reunited, we are still on the rollercoaster of reunion. She want talk to me or even actknowledge me by my name. This cuts to the bone and like all mothers weather Bmom or amom we just want to be loved by the children we thought we were giving a better life i sure hope you will put your self in her place and try to give her a break remember you were her age one time to.