[vicrose]

Ok, story in a nutshell...Found birthmom, she didn't want any contact...lots of drama...fast forward about a year...contacted one birthsister...she needed time to absorb info on me...fast forward 9 months...contacted same sister again and she said she would like to begin getting to know me through e-mails, calls, etc. Stayed in contact with that sis for another 6 months or so, and then she told other sis about me, and other sis called me out of the blue...it was very nice...heartwarming, and we statyed in touch....then 1st sister got married(I did not attend wedding)...and as one sis put it...all heck broke loose when they found out that I have been in contact with the both of them, and even met for lunch w/1 sis.....ok fast forward 6 months...I guess the pressure from the birthmother and other family members got to be too much,,,,and now neither wants contact. B

[BrockBaby]

I am so sorry for all the drama in your reunion. That's the thing about reunion, we are never guarenteed our "happily ever after...." Like any relationship, reunion relationships, can not be forced. I am sorry to say, but there is nothing you can do to change what is happening. I think as the adoptee, it is hard for several reasons. One being, we were SUPPOSE to be a part of that family...but we weren't. So when we show up, not everyone is willing or able emotionally to handle what we represent. In my opinion, it is not the adoptee that is being rejected, but what that adoptee brings up. Many families never deal with issues, and when a long lost relative shows up...they once again revert to their "coping" tactics. It doesn't make it easier for the adoptee, but I think it is important to realize the "whys" behind some of the actions. I can almost guarentee you that it is not YOU that is the problem, but there were other issues and problems that you knew nothing about that are surfacing. I am so sorry that it has to come at the expense of your relationships with your sisters. Keep your chin up...people change...people realize their wrong attitudes...so there is always hope.

Perhaps you could write an email just saying hello and hoping everything is okay. I am not sure what was all said, and how they "ended" the contact. Reassure them that you are not there to interupt their lives, or push your way in. I wish this wasn't so difficult!

[Jan18]

Great advice from Brockbaby. I really don't have anything to add. Just keep the door open, you never know what will happen. And remember, it isn't about you...it is them. I know it is hard not to rethink and wonder. Hopefully in time your sisters and bmom will come around!

Best wishes to you!

[RainStorm]

That’s really too bad. It seems to be more pressure from the family then anything. I don’t think there is anything you can do. Unless your genetic sisters eventually decide to start having a relationship with you again despite their families disapproval of it. Or their family decides they also want contact. It might not make you feel better but least in the time you were able to have contact with them you probably learned some things about your genetic maternal side, that you wouldn’t. Who knows what the future holds.

[vicrose]

It often helps when others can put into perspective what I already know is true.
My birthsisters were so very kind to me during the time that we spoke together; so I know in my heart that they're non-contact is not malicious.
I think that it is partly out of fear, fear of the unknown...me. It's ok I have no hard feelings about them, I cherish the time we spent on the phone together...finding out they're likes and dislikes...hearing about they're marriages....but most of all just knowing that they were accepting of me meant the world to me....that's all I ever wanted.
They may come back into my life, and they may choose to stay away, but I'll defintely drop them an e-mail to let them know just as I did the birthmother that my door is always open.
I have had a wonderful life and I think that it was the greatest feeling in the world just knowing that they are healthy and happy.
So, for now, I will wipe away the tears and wish them the very best...I truly think they are amazing. B

[ticchick]

Wow, what a story. I think that it is probably the family pressure that is keeping them away and I don't think it will likely keep them away forever.

Out of curiosity, did your bsisters know about you before you contacted them? Or was your contacting them the way they found out? I'm just wondering as I am in a similar situation where I have found out who my bmom is and she married my bfather and they had 3 other kids.

[NYLM]

Vicrose,

I understand where you're coming from. Had a similar situation. Bsis kind of showed up one day but she was really doing her own personal business and pretty much tore me up one side and down the other when I didn't instantly drop what I was doing to spend time with her.

She oozed hypocrit from day one. I appreciate her making an attempt but at the same token I'm not taking part in her pity party and I don't need anyone's favors.

She pretty much grinned through it all and we spoke several times after she left. About 6 months later she sends me a e-mail wherein she vents her frstrations at things I allegedly said. Apparently me saying she had a million dollar smile offended her (ok then). She is just self-admittedly very direct and noticeably overbearing.
She was also upset that I didn't see her off to the airport because my hubby and I were at the hospital w/son who was barely breathing!

I have one theory about this whole reunion thing
"Negative out, positive in" and I'm sticking to it.

[ticchick]

Wow-
I am sorry to hear about your troubles with bfamily. In a way it is really helping me though because I am realizing more and more that these people out there who are related to me are just people and the fact that they are related to me is not going to make them automatically wonderful people or make us even like each other. My fantasy was always that 'blood is thicker than water' and that we would meet and live happily ever after. Now it is not looking like that may happen but I am feeling much more okay about it.

[vicrose]

Well, well, well.....the darndest thing happened this week.
I got a message in my Reunion.com mailbox that a Joanne Thompson was searching for me...my bmom's name is Joan Thompson...and also on my Classmates.com mailbox, a Michael T signed my guestbook...my brother's name is Michael Thompson. So strange, right??
I'm not putting any effort at all any further into contacting any of these people....I am here, they all know of me and where I am...if they choose to open the door, I'll be there to greet them....but I'm not a doormat....and I will never choose to treated as such ever again....I won't be nasty to anyone....but I will never choose to be treated badly by any of them....I cannot be rejected again, I have cried way too may tears, and spent way too much time on hoping that they would be the family that would love me, only to be rejected and humiliated........Brenda

[rainmon]

I'm not sure it is such a good idea to put names out there....
I mean, are you actually useing their names in places? if so....those messeges could have been from just.... anyone..... really......so you won't really know if it's them now.

[vicrose]

Ok, so I'm back in contact with one of the 2 birthsisters, and everything is very relaxed now. She lives outside the US, and we talk once a week and email each other. We are beginning a friendship again, and it feels really nice. I don't think that birthmom knows of contact, but if she does, so be it.
It is nice to be in a friendship where there are no expectations from the other, we're just here for each other.
She did mention that birthmom said that I was probably no relation to her; so I told her that we could both register with the Sibling Registry through our state and they will match us up; this will probably take a long time, but at least we will have paperwork stating that we are sisters. To put her mind at ease even more, I said we could do a DNA test; she said that wouldn't be necessary.
As I have stated all along, I have no ill will towards birthmom, and the door is always open to her. She has done some pretty crappy things to me, but it doesn't matter, I understand she is very wounded, and I do feel for her, I want her to fully enjoy life and all that it has to give.
Anyway, I'll keep you updated, have a great weekend.

[missing_her]

I'm sorry that this is happening. It is wrong of her to pressure them not to talk to you. It's unfair. I would continue to try to talk, try to find out WHY she doesn't want contact and WHY she doesn't want them to contact you. Maybe ask other family members or something. I'm sorry again. I hope all works out, if you need to talk or need just an anonymous person to vent to, I'm here.

Hugs,
Stacy

[vicrose]

I am talking with my one birthsister and we have a very nice friendship, and she is not concerned with the birthmother's pressure anymore; but I haven't spoken with any other family members in quite a while mainly because of her. She is a very wounded person, and I am sympathetic to that, and that's why I have chosen the open door policy with her.
I wish I could make my birthmother better, but she has no desire to be better right now, that's why I am leaving her in God's hands. When and if she is ever ready to have contact or allow other family members to have contact without pressure, that would be wonderful. Life is too short to be unhappy, so I hope she has some happiness in her life.