[PastorStephanie]

I have been feeling really insecure lately for no particular reason about my relationship with my bmom. As I've said in previous posts we have an amazing relationship and things have been quite good for a year and a half. Yet sometimes it just sorta hits me like a truck... the wave of emotions and the missing-ness of things. I often don't see it coming until it levels me again...

Usually I keep all this stuff to myself but the last few months I have been getting bolder and being more honest. I explained to her that I feel really insecure and vulnerable right now, that I am scared and unsure about her commitment to our relationship- even thought she has given me no reason to doubt her. She respsonded perfectly, saying all the right things but it did not comfort me. Now that I've told her my fears about it I feel even more vulnerable and less secure and stupid for dumping my baggage on her. I know I am being unfair. My bmom keeps asking what she can do to reassure me and I can't articulate an answer... she keeps saying we are so way past all this and I KNOW she is right.

I am wondering if other adoptees know they are being unreasonable and how they they stop themselves from acting on those feelings. I am wondering if other adoptees - especially those well into reunions, find the old insecurities resurfacing again. I am wondering if any bmom have managed to talk their bchildren down off this ledge...

[carolynppk]

I have times of insecurity pop up in my mind, and I don't talk to Diane about it because I know it is in my own head. (I don't want her to feel like "what more can I do to show you I am here.") That is when I go to my husband and put it all out there and he makes me look at things from the head and not the emotional heart. But obviously, I have my own insecurities, because I could never reveal them to her. (Don't want to drive her away.) I think that you were able to share is a huge thing.

I find that thinking things through and thinking of what I know is true, what is fact and what are runaway thoughts does help a lot. I am aware of when I feel that way. I think I also don't unload on her because I am sure she has her own moments of insecurity and also I think things are much harder for herand what she went through and me "popping" back into her life. I don't want to put more burden on her than I already have.

But, yes, I have those feelings and I basically talk my ownself down. But they can be overwhelming.

Carolyn

[irisheyes33]

Stephanie, I think you and I have some sort of a mind link going...ha ha...almost every time I see one of your posts I feel like I can identify with you.

I get those insecure feelings too. I am 2 years into a very "healthy" reunion - meaning my birthmom and I share our innermost thoughts with each other, including our shared sense of insecurity. And we both agree it's nothing that the other person did or has done. We chalk it up to the novelty of the situation of "being reunited". I don't think there's anything my birthmom can say to me to make it better...nor can I do anything for her other than to be there and validate her feelings. We even laugh about the fact that we share the same insecurities.

That being said...when the insecurities rear their ugly head, I find myself going into "pullback" mode. I was going there again this week and asking myself why I was wanting to distance myself when what I want is exactly the opposite thing. Does that sound familiar?

I used to confide in my husband about these insecurities and he would tell me I was nuts He's a great guy, but he just doesn't understand and that made me feel worse.

I usually just take a bit of time to myself when these things come up and obsess on the thoughts for a while. I try to separate the real from the emotional into little imaginary piles. It usually only takes me a day or two to get my head screwed back on straight. While I'm obsessing I usually don't email or call my bmom for fear that I'll do or say the wrong thing because I am usually anything but rational at the time.

I've tried to be proactive and find out what triggers these insecure feelings, but they seem to pop up very randomly. I think sometimes I am more vulnerable to them when I am in the midst of something else stressful and my brain just won't process things correctly. (i.e., I am in school and it is finals week and I also found myself in insecure/pullback mode this week...coincidence, perhaps?)

[SpecialK]

I've been searching the forums and this is exactly how I feel at the moment. I am going through this right now! I've been in reunion for 8 years with my bmum (she married my bdad and they had 3 kids)

Things will be fine and then I start to feel like a lost child who's been left behind somewhere! If I think for a second that I've been left out of anything, I feel like throwing a toddler tantrum!! The feeling is so overwhelming!!!!

Today I'm feeling really angry towards bmum and "dont want to see her ever again". It's Mothers Day and I so wanted to see her and give her a hug (for both of us) but she made no effort to arrange anything. (I live in the same city as afamily and bfamily........makes life very difficult at times!) When I eventually talked to her, she didn't sound happy to want to see me so I immediately felt that "punch in the stomach" rejection feeling that i'm so used to. When I start to tell her how I feel, she completely ignores it and tells me she doesn't want to hear it, and then pretends to sound happy like she's not going to let me ruin her day!!!!

It feels like I'm the only one in our relationship that has any issues because she never comes to me and says she's feeling vulnerable or anything, yet I know that can't be true. She's been saying alot lately "why didn't i just keep you?" and i have always responded with "well, you were 15 and nobody gave you a choice" and today for the first time EVER i want to scream at her that she didn't fight for me and how could she let them take away her baby!!!!!! I've never felt this angry towards her and it makes me feel awful cos I don't want to feel that way towards her. Maybe I've been suppressing this feeling for so long that it's just reared itself because I'm tired of feeling like she can push me away whenever she feels like it and I just have to deal with it. She's called me her "spare daughter" once and I feel like that has set me back 1000 steps in our reunion.

I am also obsessed now with how my birth siblings really feel about me being in their life. I have 2 kids which are their first grand kids and my bparents do alot for my kids and I'm extremely grateful but I wonder how it makes my second sister feel (she can't wait to get married and have kids)
I also find myself feeling jealous of my own daughter because she gets to grow up with me!!!!!! How dumb is that!!!!!

I don't want to be adopted anymore......I'm sick of dealing with these emotions all the time and feeling like I want to stop contact and then feeling guilty for my bmum if I did that. grrrrr!!!!

I'm always making the effort to see her or do something with her and it makes me feel so "needy" and annoying. I have unloaded to bmum a number of times (she has told me she wants me to) and each time she reacts as if she doesn't care about what I'm feeling (which confuses the heck out of me!!) and that I should just feel happy that we've found each other and move on. I feel angry that I've opened myself up to her then she "rejects" me yet again by dismissing the feelings I have! I need her to grow up and stop being that 15 year old and start acting like the parent in our relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so frustrating because I know it will never happen. I've suggested to her SO many times that she needs to have counselling and she just says she couldn't do it. I feel like she goes through life with a pause button on some very deep seated emotions that could potentially give her immense healing, if she could talk them through with someone. I feel and have always felt like the parent in our relationship and I guess I'm tired and want her to step up and grow up. I also wonder what effect this will have on my children because it takes me a good couple of days to process these feelings and my patience is very thin. Is it worth having a roller coaster relationship at the expense of my kids? I feel like I'm kind of addicted/obsessed to having a relationship with all of my bfamily but I'm not sure how to let go or back off without disconnecting from them permanently.

Thanks for listening. I apologise if anything I've written has hurt or upset anyone. That isn't my intention. I just need to get these thoughts out of my head. I have always found support and advice in these forums and for that, I thank all of you.

K

[Emily358]

I've definitely had those psycho-insecure for no reason moments, and it's comforting to know that others do, too.

I'm 5 years into a good reunion with bdad, and they still happen. They happen less often and are less intense, now, and I would guess the same will happen to you over time.

What has helped me and continues to help is to journal. Both the act of journaling and rereading entries of the happy times I've had with bdad and the sweet things he says help pull me out of the mood.

I've also figured out that some of the episodes happen on a predictable cycle. For me Christmas, the month of June, and several other times are tough.

It also helped big-time when bdad admitted to me that Christmas was tough for him, too.

I still have the episodes, and for the most part I try not to let myself call him. Last time, which was last month, actually, I wrote him a letter and then put it in a file to be mailed in 2 days. By 2 days later, I was able to reread it and toss it, realizing that it was my issue, not his.

When he HAS done thoughtless things to make me insecure, I've tried my best to communicate openly, but I still tend to be passive-agressive instead of saying, "You hurt me." That's something I still need to work on, big-time.

I hope this helps.

[Juliana13]

Originally Posted by SpecialK

I need her to grow up and stop being that 15 year old and start acting like the parent in our relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so frustrating because I know it will never happen.

K

Just an unsolicitated thought from a adoptive mother... She's NOT the parent in the relationship. That was the point of the adoption. She wasn't ready to parent then, and she made the choice (however forced) to NOT be your parent anymore. She's not your parent.

However, she IS your birthmother, and it would be nice if she acted mature and handled your relationship in a way you wanted her to. It would be nice if she made you feel loved and secure, and you could have a mutually nurturing, healthy bond by virtue of your special relationship.

But don't let your insecurities or self esteem be decided someone else, no matter the history. She isn't ready for that responsibility. Just love her for where she's at, and if that isn't healthy for you, step back and strengthen yourself. I loved reading your honest emotions and thoughts. It helps me be aware of what my birthdaughter may someday feel, and things I need to be sensitive to.

Good luck, and lots of love!

[gemini678]

Hello SpecialK,
I don't know if i have an answer but it was a relief to read your post. I tried the reunion thing but b/c of birthlady's mood swings and my emotional swings, I had to step back. I decided I wasn't ready to jump in and be a family. I have anger towards her that noone undrstands and I didn't want to dump it on her b/c the next day I'd be fine. I wasn't secure in our relationship. I knew I was annoying her. She was more comfortable with seeing me once every 6-7 years. I wanted and thought I was ready for a daily relationship. She soon made it clear to me that I was wearing out my welcome. I didn't feel I deserved that. I don't. I miss seeing her, I admit but I know I don't deserve the abuse. And it is hard to trust someone that walked away. So I'm going on now as best as I can and maybe one day it will just happen, but I cannot put myself out there like that again.

[terrirose9]

Been there done that!! Many times.. I was 15 at the time of my reunion. That was in 1981. She was a and still is a very warm and conncerned person. My reunion had a bit of a monkey wrench thrown into it. My a-parents chose to have me go live with her. Still to this day out side of them not wanting her in their life still take all resposability for it all. It doesn't bother me now!! But it became obvious. I did not turn out the way they wanted. I am happy now thats what matteres. But I vented on her many times.. It is a VERY insacure situation and it sounds like she realizes that and just lets you vent. Unfourtunaly time was my only saviour in this all. Time and a very patient b-mom who was very willing to let me vent as she saw it would end in time.

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by irisheyes33

Stephanie, I think you and I have some sort of a mind link going...ha ha...almost every time I see one of your posts I feel like I can identify with you.

That being said...when the insecurities rear their ugly head, I find myself going into "pullback" mode. I was going there again this week and asking myself why I was wanting to distance myself when what I want is exactly the opposite thing. Does that sound familiar?

YES! Extremely familiar! That is exactly how I feel! As strange as it sounds I want to pullback sometimes just because I want her to know how it feels to feel as insecure as I feel at that moment! SO LAME! Because I am way too far into the reunion to be able to follow through with actually pulling back but I just want her to understand how scary it is to feel insecure.

I agree with you too on the randomness of the feelings... I can't find a pattern really. Sometimes the reasons are obvious: my birthday, my adoption day, holidays etc.... most of the time it isn't predictable and that's when it is the hardest. I want to be this rational human being when I talk to her... I don't hesitate to share deep emotions with her but I HATE it when those emotions are controling me... and I listen to myself talk and wonder where the heck this is all coming from??!

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by SpecialK

Things will be fine and then I start to feel like a lost child who's been left behind somewhere! If I think for a second that I've been left out of anything, I feel like throwing a toddler tantrum!! The feeling is so overwhelming!!!! K

I know exactly what you mean! It's it frustrating to know that you aren't acting like your logical in control self but feel so helpless to stop your own behavior! Now, obviously as adults we are reponsible for our actions and our repsonses to our bmoms... it is just so shocking how intense the internal insecurites can be!

I think Emily gave us all some sound advice... try to write it out and save it for a few days and see it is makes any sense after some time has passed! I know that is something I need to put into place in my own life!

[Mil]

Hi - I'm a birthmom and it's very interesting to read your feelings. I have to wonder if my birthson shares these feelings. But I have to tell you - I have a lot of insecurities regarding my reunion. It's going on six years now and at times I still wait for 'the other shoe to drop'. I guess I don't really feel like I deserve a good reunion. After all, I gave my son away!!! How could i do that? I must be a terrible person - therefore I don't deserve to be happy.

At times the effort of reunion just seems overwhelming and I feel like I'd like to pull back. But I don't really want to! I'm very involved and I have grandchildren involved. Plus I have a very good relationship with his adoptive parents. I have everything anyone could want in a reunion - yet I feel insecure about it. At times. I don't know if it's a female type of problem or if males think this way too. But I don't think I want to ask him. Plus I'm not sure he'd admit it if he did feel that way. At times I get frustrated with him but then when I can reason things out in my head, I can realistically see that he has a really busy life. He works, of course, plus he's a divorced father who has custody of his 8 yr. old twin sons. Plus he's in a serious relationship with a girl. And he still manages to find time for me in his life. Sometimes I feel I'm being really unrealistic in my expectations of him. Most times I'm fine with our relationship but other times I let my insecurities take over. I think that's pretty natural, especially for adoptees. I can see where your fear of being left comes from. I hope my son doesn't feel like that - I wonder if I should ask him? What do you guys think?

Sorry to ramble so much.

[SpecialK]

Boy oh boy. The "nasty stuff" has really hit the fan with me and my bmum. I was in "pullback" mode and she called me yesterday and unfortunately, terribly, and maybe even disasterously, I let her have it (I certainly didn't plan it that way, it just kinda happened). I feel justified, vindicated and absolutely AWFUL all at the same time!!!! I feel like the worst person on the planet right now and she just told me today that she needs to take a break from me because she doesn't want to see me. Exactly what an adoptee needs to hear from a birth parent......NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know she has insecurities too but I just get so frustrated when she pulls back if I'm having a "bad day" (those are her words) and this time because I was so angry and shared things I shouldn't have, I think I've ruined our relationship. I am in such a state of shock, I can't even cry. I'm gobsmacked. I want to run over to her house and tell to her "please don't leave me again". I respect the fact that she's hurting about things I've said however, by removing herself from me is the worst thing (I feel) for our relationship right now. This whole connection we have is so overwhelming and powerful it takes my breath away to think that I've lost it.

It's my son's 3rd birthday this Saturday and she won't come which means my whole bfamily won't come because they will no doubt support her...this breaks my heart so much I was hoping she might make an effort for his sake but she says she doesn't want to feel uncomfortable. I suggested that we see each other Friday so we can get the first "meeting" since yesterday out of the way for my son's sake on Saturday. She says he won't know that they aren't there. Who is she kidding? She's his Nana and he WILL notice they aren't there! And I'll know they aren't there! *sobbing right now*

Don't know what else to say at this point except thanks to all of you who have responded to this because I do appreciate all the feedback. I just feel like a really rotten person right now.

[gemini678]

Hi SpecialK,
Wish I had the words to give you comfort right now. Unfortunately, this is a part of reunion. I beat myself up so bad, I don't need anyone else's help there. Can you call your bmom and talk to her. Let her know you want her in your life and in your son's life. I'm afraid if she misses the gathering this weekend, when ever you do get to see her again, her missing this will be added to the list of things to be angry about. Ask her if she wants to be there or is she making up excuses not to be there.
Again, i'm sorry your having such a bad time right now, I hope things get better.



gemini

[PastorStephanie]

SpecialK, I am sorry that things went so poorly for you yesterday! The "I need a break from you" is my worst fear and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I don't know what you should do... but I wanted to send you my concern and support! Let us know what happens!