[oldblue42]

I have been in contact with bfather (new). Bmom through Social Services does not wish to have contact with me. She divorced bfather 35+ years ago after my placement and remarried. I have bio-brother and 2 bio-sisters and 1/2 bio-sister. Bmom made the decision never to tell them about me nor did she tell her husband. She feels by telling them now it would destroy her family. Am I wrong for wanting to find out more information about them or should I just respect her privacy and forget... and just try to have relationship with bfather. Long story short in case your wondering bfather appears to be estranged from his childern. We have just recently started communicating so the relationship is new. Just wondering what others thought....

[micallymom]

My humble opinion is to leave anyone alone that doesn't want to have contact with you. I'm going through a similar thing where some bio siblings don't want to make contact. I kept feeling like I was on the outside looking in. I would nuture the relationship with your bdad and if your bmom changes her mind, then it is up to you. I think that protecting your heart and your self-esteem is more important than getting to know more info.

[carolynppk]

I have been in reunion for two years now, with some of my family members not wanting contact. I understand wanting answers, but at the same time you need to respect others feelings. I know it seems unfair, but the truth is, you get further when you give others the time and space to process things. I am sure your bmom is scared of losing her family, omitting something that huge would sure to have an impact. I would have social services contact her and let her know you are always open to contact. Rarely are both parties on the same page at the same time. I know it was like throwing cold water in my bmom's face when I found her. I had thought about contact, seriously for a year before starting my quest, she had no warning at all. Initially she did not want contact.

Reunion is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, even in the best reunion, I would make known to her that your door is always open and leave contact information at social services, and then I would concentrate on your relationship with your bfather. I am correct in that your bmom and bdad had a son and two daughters before you? You state you have a full brother and two full sisters and a half sister. Is the half sister with her current spouse? And if these others are your full siblings are from your bparents union, how much older are they than you? She may not have told them about you, but kids aren't dumb, they may remember her being pregnant with you.

Good luck and give things time. I find the harder you push, the harder the ride. Enjoy getting to know your bdad.

Carolyn

[irisheyes33]

I agree with Carolyn and micallymom. I was in a similar situation that my bmom did not want contact when she was found and spoke to an intermediary. However, she did not give a reason for not wanting to speak with me...but was not angry and apparently her sister and mother both knew about me. I was devastated, of course, but left things alone for a while. Two years later, I decided to find her on my own and searched until I found her. I made contact through her sister (my birth aunt) and ultimately things turned out wonderfully. But...what I did was VERY risky. I think the reason it worked is that my bmom simply needed time to process her emotions...I was not a secret from anyone in the family, no half-siblings, etc.

I don't blame you for wanting more information...I really do understand that. However, my humble opinion is that it's your best bet to make sure your contact information is kept current and to let things be for now. Ultimately, if your bmom does change your mind, it gives you the best chance at forging some kind of long-term relationship.

[oldblue42]

I new the answer before the post but appreciate the response. The only problem I have with giving her the respect is my birth sibiling ages are 47, 45, 44. (1/2 sister don't know anything about her) One of them has adopted a child and has reunited with that child's birthfamily. Ironic...

In speaking with birthfather he is even questioning if he is my birthfather, he says he believes birthmother was unfaithful in marriage and she claims in a despirate attempt to save there marriage he forced himself on her. The marriage ended very badly..So it's hard enough to build a relationship with a birthparent, but with one who is even questioning if he is the biological father is worse..

I am 42 and have spent more than 20 years on my search, I guess part of me is angry in that I feel my birth sibilings have a right to know about me..and have the right to chose if they want to know me or not...

I made sure my birthmom knows the door is open if she chooses to open. So CONFUSED.

[micallymom]

I know it is confusing. It is hard when you put your emotions and energy into someone else's hands, not just anyone's hands, but into your b-mom's. I can only imagine how you feel. My issues are with b-sibs. I would try to put this on hold and focus on your own life. I know it is hard, but you need to focus on you. In 6 months to 1 year, revisit the situation and see if anything has changed. Until then, just focus on you. I guess I'm tired of b-family getting to call the shots and we are supposed to just flow with what they want. I say take control of your life. When your b-mom decides to become involved in your life, if it convenient for you, or if you are still open, then she may have a chance to be in your life. If not, it is her loss.

[oldblue42]

This is my life... I just can't understand what gives my bmom the right not to tell my b-sibilings. I just feel that is wrong, not that my opinion matters. It was her right to leave a marriage that she was unhappy in and give me up for adoption and keep my 3 b-sibs. They also should have a choice. They are all in there 40's. For me, accepting someone saying "NO" I don't wish to have you in my life is easier to handle than to know that they don't have any idea that you even exsist. I respect my b-mom's decision in not wanting a relationship/communication with me (and I am ok with that, it has been well over a year since she made that decision) I am just angry...that my b-sibilings don't have that same right. Am I wrong.....

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by oldblue42

This is my life... I just can't understand what gives my bmom the right not to tell my b-sibilings. I just feel that is wrong, not that my opinion matters. It was her right to leave a marriage that she was unhappy in and give me up for adoption and keep my 3 b-sibs. They also should have a choice. They are all in there 40's. For me, accepting someone saying "NO" I don't wish to have you in my life is easier to handle than to know that they don't have any idea that you even exsist. I respect my b-mom's decision in not wanting a relationship/communication with me (and I am ok with that, it has been well over a year since she made that decision) I am just angry...that my b-sibilings don't have that same right. Am I wrong.....

It is frustrating and unfortunatly it is just something that we can't change without upsetting everyone. My b-mom did not want contact with me because my half-sister does not know about me. IMHO I think that they probably know about you. If they are older than you then they have to remember when your b-mom was pregnant with you.

[banjo]

I think they are old enough to handle the situation and deal with it. Although you don't know what is going on in their lives and what sort of people they are. Tehre was a woman who posted under the name Shirlyville who was in a similar situation but found that her bmother and bsibs lived near her. She was also able to find out info about them. She learned that one of the bsisters was not very stable and would have probably reacted badly if contacted. I will see if I can find a link to her old posts. It was very interesting reading. Is it possible to find out about these bsibs and bmother from a third party and find out more about them before you decide to contact the bsibs?

[banjo]

Hi here's a link to one of shirleyvilles' old posts. If you click on her name you will be able to find her other posts. I think they are well worth a read before you decide to contact the bsibs.Hmmmm -- Drive By??

[Socrmom3]

I was so angry for you when I read your post. While I know everyone else is giving sound advice, the truth of it sucks.

I guess I never thought about it because I did not contact my birthmom directly. I contacted my half-sister via myspace one late evening and I guess if she didn't know about me, she did then. She DID know and had for a long time so that made things easier, but it never occurred to me to worry about all that. Maybe I was selfish or naive or just plain stupid.

With my Bdad, I contacted him and no, his kids didn't know. He was not even sure his old GF had had a child and that I was it, until he saw my pic and pics of my two boys who resemble him and his brother so very much. Then he called everyone, told them about me, and they are dying to get together and meet. I guess Bdad could have just as easily told me to get lost but I doubt I would have accepted that.

The BEST thing to do is be patient and honor birthmom's wishes. BUT...with that said, that does not mean you can not get to know your sibs in another way. Do you live in the same or neighboring town? Any chance you belong to the same club, kids go to school togeher, etc? Just thought their might be a way to befriend without anyone knowing for now, kwim?

This is always a tought road, even when it's a positive journey. Best of luck with whatever road you choose.

[oldblue42]

Thank you, I was angry but I am trying to understand. Bmom lives in NC, my understanding children/adults do too. Bdad lives in TX. I live in MD. I don't have alot of information on them, what I do have bfather gave me or Social Services. I do know they are all well off. (not that that matters it's just that they would certainly be able to handle the truth) The part I think that gets me most is one of my bsibilings adopted a child and has reunited that child with birthfamily. So if adoption is accepted in there family why am I kept a secret.

[txrnr]

Originally Posted by oldblue42

The part I think that gets me most is one of my bsibilings adopted a child and has reunited that child with birthfamily. So if adoption is accepted in there family why am I kept a secret.

Different generations. Adoption and reunion has come into the light a more in the past several years. It could be that your BMother is fragile emotionally and can't handle a reunion. As hard as it is to believe, it isn't about you. She doesn't know you to reject you. Whatever is holding her back is her issue. Unfortunetly, you're just caught up in it.

[banjo]

oldblue42, it is your right to contact the bsibs. bmother can not stop you from doing that as they are adults. I believe you can do it and respect her wish not to have contact with you.

[MamaS]

Banjo, think it through for a minute. Yes, it would be wonderful if a relationship could be established with siblings, but it can't be done without changing the relationship siblings have with birthmother.
"Hi, you don't know me, but I am your baby sister. Our parents gave me away when they divorced." Maybe they were too young to notice the pregnancy, or maybe they family was told that the baby died at birth. Now, they are being told -- "Your mother is a liar and your father is a liar." And Dad thinks Mom lied about her paternity -- maybe mom lied about our paternity too! Wonder what else Mom lied about? Can we trust her about anything she says? Maybe we aren't even brothers and sisters?
Mom is probably in her 60's maybe in her 70's? Whatever she may have done, does she deserve -- and do the other children deserve -- this bombshell?