[irisheyes33]

I've been happily reunited with my maternal birthfamily for almost two years. I've been searching for my birth father for years, but stalled after I met my maternal side in order to concentrate on developing my relationship with them. My birthmother has not exactly stood in the way of my search for my birthfather, and has said I should do what feels right to me, but has fully admitted that she would prefer if I didn't find him.

So...I think there is a good chance I may have located him, as well as my older half sister. He doesn't know I exist because my bmom never told him about her pregnancy (they were not in a serious relationship). I admit to being curious about him and my sister, but I am terrified to open another can of worms.

I am not so afraid of rejection this time as I am of upsetting my bmom and perhaps jeopardizing our relationship. She and I are close enough that she knows I may have found my bfather and sister, and she has told me it's okay by her if I contact them, but I can hear the pain in her voice. And I think she is scared, too, that my bfather may be angry with her if he finds out about me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you handle it? Any regrets?

[Sniffles]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I just got so tickled for you when I read this.

You know I haven't been there yet, so I can't offer any advice, just a ton of cyber hugs.

[healingfeeling]

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well as you may or may not remember my mother was P.O'd when she found out that i had contacted my bfather or as she says "her highschool boyfriend" she didn't speak with me for a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time. but she did get over HER issues with it. and i in turn gained a slew of family members!

it won't be easy, but in reality you were not a product of imaculate conception and you deserve to know both sides.

good luck irish!!!!!!!!!!!

[cnb1099]

I, like Sniffles, have not been in your situation, but I just wanted to give you big hugs, tell you WOW, and whatever you decide we are all here for you!

[specialk4b]

Wow - that's pretty exciting!

If your bmom says it's ok, but she seems scared, that's understandable. It doen't sound like she'd be mad about you contact him, but might be worred about the consequences of contact for you or for her.

I'd probably make contact, but help her to understand it's not about your relationship with her, but your desire to know your bfather.

[nilesgirl]

Hi Irish,
I, like you, waited a year after my reunion with my birthmother and 3 half brothers to attempt a reunion with my birthfather's side. Unfortunately, he is deceased as of 1991 so I will never meet him. I found out through his obituary that I have 2 half brothers and 1 half sister on his side. I asked my birthmother if it would upset her if I tried to find and make contact with my birthsiblings on bdad's side. I said to her, after all, they have nothing to do with her relationship (or lack thereof) with my birthfather and they may want to know me. I also expressed to her my desire to know whatever medical history they might be able to provide. She told me she completely agreed and understood and would even help me find them if I wanted her to since she knew people that would definitely know their whereabouts. I thought that was very gacious of her. However, that may have just been rhetoric since she never did follow through.

I went ahead on my own...and with the help of a Search Angel I found my sister! We've been in contact (by phone and text msg.) since Jan 29th and I'm just exstatic and apparently she is too I've never had a sister...I was raised with a brother and I just can't express how unbelievably happy I am about this relationship so far. She had no clue I existed and she told me she cried when she received my letter. We both feel like we've known each other all of our lives. She's my only sister and I'm her only sister. We're only 2 years apart and I feel like this is going to be a special relationship for both of us for the rest of our lives. I've found out that my features and body type favor bfather's side of the family and that was important to me also since when I met my birthmother, I didn't really resemble her at all. Now that I've seen pics of my bfather I can more easily see what physical characteristics resemble him and what ones resemble her.

I hope you make the connection with your birthfather's side...If only for the possiblity of having a special relationship with your sister. Best of luck to you!!!!

[irisheyes33]

Thanks for all the support, guys!

I'm really, really thinking about writing to this guy who may be my birthfather. My birthmother hasn't been 100% helpful, but she hasn't exactly stood in my way either...and I don't know what more I can ask from her.

nilesgirl, I'm so happy your reunion with your sister has been so special! You give me some hope there I am an only child so meeting my sister would be VERY special to me!

[Socrmom3]

Unlike Sniggles, I was not tickled...I as ticked when I read this. Not because you found your b-father...for that YYEEAAA!!!!. But because your b-mom says she'd rather you didn't contact him. Reminds me of sooo many parents who get divorced and them expect their kids to "divorce" the other parent as well.

Let's remember this is about YOU, not her, and although I KNOW you are jumping for joy to have found her and have a relationship with her but if she can't be supportive of you and your WANTS AND NEEDS...how is this really working for you?

I too can imagine he might be angry that she never told him. She kept him from making an informed deicion about his child! But...that is not enough reason to keep you from getting to find out what might be there between you. That is choice SHE made (not not tell him) and sadly, the consequences of some of our choices are life long.

While I am not suggesting you ignore her feelings, I am suggesting you not ignore yours. Ask her for support and ask her to a part of whatever happens the whole way. Lean on her and include her and reassure her what this is all about (you, not her) and maybe TOGETHER you can both face this fear.

I wish you all the best.

[PastorStephanie]

Irisheyes, I am nearly in the exact position that you are RIGHT NOW. I have been in a beautiful reunion on my bmom's side of the family and have recently found info on my bfather's side. I can now contact him at any time. Yet, I am stalling. My bmom is supportive... she is the one who gave me the info (so that dynamic is different than yours) but I am still concerned about any emotional fallout there (probably all in my head).

I am nervous about contacting my bfather because I don't want to jeoprdize any other relationships (afamily or b materal family) and because the "whole can of worms" has taken years to sort out... why open another one??!! So I am sitting on the whole issue... not sure how to proceed.

I haven't heard much about adoptees in reunion with thier b father's families... I don't know if the relationship will be worth the price?!! Obviously every family is different. I wrote him a letter. Gave it to my bmother to send to him (I don't have his address).... but I haven't told her to send it yet. I am waiting... waiting for what? I don't know. So I get where you are coming from! Good luck in your journey...

[irisheyes33]

Thanks Socrmom and PastorStephanie.

There is a part of me that sees my bmom "evolving" in her emotions regarding my birthfather (for the better) and I wonder if it will help us in the long term for me to continue waiting to contact him...but on the other hand I feel like I need to do what is right for ME. I just have a hard time with not wanting to step on anyone's toes. In other words, i'm chicken. Stephanie, I hear a lot of my own thoughts echoed in your post. "Waiting...waiting for what??"

I am a student, and I am leaning towards trying to contact this guy after I finish the semester and have a bit of breathing space to cope with whatever the fallout is - positive or negative. But I think I do need to resolve this.

Thanks again everyone for the support...I'll let you know what happens!

[krielly]

IrishEyes33,
I'll definitley be following your story.........anxious for any updates you may have!! Be sure to keep us posted.

Nilesgirl.......your story sounds somewhat similar to mine, except I'm still being a big "chicken" about the whole thing. A state appointed CI searched for my bdad only to find he passed away 2 mos prior to them finding him (2 years ago today to be exact). So, I petitioned the courts to get his identity, and found from his obit that he has 5 other children. I have located addresses/phone numbers for all but 1 of them, but have been sitting on this information for well over 1 year now.............. The situation is complicated, as he was married twice. He had 2 children from the first marriage (with me in between - as an affair with my bmom), and 3 from the second marraige...............in addition, he died from cancer, and his current widow also is suffering from cancer last I knew as well.............................

Karen

[micallymom]

Originally Posted by Socrmom3

Unlike Sniggles, I was not tickled...I as ticked when I read this. Not because you found your b-father...for that YYEEAAA!!!!. But because your b-mom says she'd rather you didn't contact him. Reminds me of sooo many parents who get divorced and them expect their kids to "divorce" the other parent as well.

Let's remember this is about YOU, not her, and although I KNOW you are jumping for joy to have found her and have a relationship with her but if she can't be supportive of you and your WANTS AND NEEDS...how is this really working for you?

I too can imagine he might be angry that she never told him. She kept him from making an informed deicion about his child! But...that is not enough reason to keep you from getting to find out what might be there between you. That is choice SHE made (not not tell him) and sadly, the consequences of some of our choices are life long.

While I am not suggesting you ignore her feelings, I am suggesting you not ignore yours. Ask her for support and ask her to a part of whatever happens the whole way. Lean on her and include her and reassure her what this is all about (you, not her) and maybe TOGETHER you can both face this fear.

I wish you all the best.

I agree with Socrmom3. I understand that relationships with a bmom is sensitive, but I can't comprehend how a bmom should even get a say in what we do. She made her decisions and has to live with all consequences. To expect her bchild to do what she says, is ridiculous. I feel like adoptees should do what is best for them.

[nilesgirl]

Wow Krielly! We do have similar situations. My birthfather had 2 boys from his 1st wife whom he married twice. He had his 1st son from their 1st marriage and then when they divorced I was conceived from what I think was a rebound affair. Then when my birthmother was approxamately 6 mos. along with me...birthfather's first wife ends up pregnant with my 2nd half brother and he (bdad) remarries her. So...my 2nd half brother is only 6 mos younger than me I haven't had contact of any kind with the 2 half brothers yet but, my half sis (from yet another marriage) says they now know about me through a mutual friend of hers and their mother. Sometimes these stories are exausting to tell with the extensive cast of characters. I've been basically chicken to contact them, mostly I think because they're guys and the fact that the 3 half brothers on birthmothers side haven't been all that communicative since my reunion with my birthmother. Don't get me wrong ...they're not disagreeable or anything just sort of unenthusiastic. I think brothers are just not as social of creatures as sisters. It's frustrating but, what are ya gunna do? I've been considering writing to the one I now have info for; I'm sure that will probably take alot of rough drafts to compose. It is really great being in touch with my birthsister though...she's just great and we laugh about how crazy this all is with each other. Sometime I think it's easier to have relationships with birthsiblings than birthparents...many times there's not as much baggage. Just my opinion

[krielly]

How did you end up reaching out to your sister? A letter??????

[nilesgirl]

Yes, I finally wrote her a letter. I swear to you I must have written a zillion rough drafts before I came up with what I sent her. She told me she cried when she read it. PM me if you're interested in what I wrote her.