[sarcastickisses]

okay, so here's my story. I am currently 18 years old, and a freshman in college. I was adopted when i was born and i have known my entire life that i am adopted. I really don't know much about my adoption.

I know that it was a closed adoption and that i was born in Ohio. That is pretty much it. Oh, i also know that since it was a closed adoption, my "birth parents" would have had to make contact with the agency if i want to get their information. The reason i really don't know much is because honestly...i'm too afraid to ask. I feel that if i ask my parents, i will hurt their feelings. I see my "birth parents" only as my genes. To me, they are not my parents. (...just my opinion!)

Anyways, the point of this entire story is that while i am perfectly content with my mom and dad, sometimes i can't help but wonder. So my question is, how do i talk to my parents? how do i ask? what do i do?

clueless...
sarah.

[angellabernett]

i beleive since you have these questions inside, they will not go away. maybe the best thing to do is be honest with them, and let them know your feelings, hopefully they will understand you, and be supportive of you. i am happy though that you are wanting to even know about your genes, that is something that is very admirable for a person who has known that they are adopted, and who knows, maybe oneday you may find out that your parents or mom and extended family wish to know about you too. peace,,love, and light,,,,,,,, angella bernett

[Mil]

Can i tell you something. It's perfectly normal for you to be curious about your birthparents. And I wouldn't doubt that your mom and dad are rather surprised that by 18 yrs. old, you haven't asked much.

I'm a birthmother in reunion with my son. I'm really glad my son doesn't feel that I'm 'just his genes'. I'm his mother! No, I'm not his mom. His adoptive mom is his 'mom'. He loves his parents very dearly. But he loves me too! And there's room for everyone if that's what someone wants.

I'm also an adoptive mother myself. My oldest has started searching for her birthmother, although she hasn't done anything with it lately. My son is turning 18 in May and in time I assume he will search too. But they can ask whatever they want. I don't too often bring it up, I let them ask what and when they want. I would guess your parents are probably wondering when you're going to ask. It doesn't 'lessen them' if you want to know about your biological parents. It's normal for adoptees to want to know where they came from and what their history is. Maybe your parents don't know much, but maybe they know a lot. You won't know until you ask.

[newlyorphaned]

I agree with Mil! Your parents knew there would come a day when you would begin to ask questions. I started asking around pre-teen time. Just one question at a time because I too was afraid to ask. As the questions became more specific I relied on shock to catch them off guard because I feared I would not get honest answers. For some reason asking feels like we're doing something wrong! It's not wrong! I'd bet your parents have had the answer's ready for a long time. When things are relaxed I'd ask a question. I think my first question was "what was my mother's name?" The answer was "Diane." Years later I asked for her last name and it was given if somewhat reluctantly. Thanks to the questions I asked I obtained enough information to be able to locate my birth family (bmom's passed away) whom I'm flying out to meet on Monday. It's probably been 40 years since I asked the first question! Expect you and your parents to be uncomfortable talking about something you've never talked about before as you would with any other important, new, topic.

Your right about you parents being your parents! They always will be! But genes are important too! Now I've got 2 families which took some adjusting to. Take your time, go at your own speed, when your ready, you'll ask. One more thing...the answers we receive are not always what we want to hear. I had a lot of fantasies about my birth mother and found out that she was just human and did the best she could like the rest of us. Good luck!

[sarcastickisses]

my mother tried for many many years to have kids and went through so many surgies and pain to try to have children. throughout all of this, she was trying to adopt, but whenever my dad turned 40, my parents were taken off of many adoption lists.

i'm just scared, i don't want to hurt my parents. my mom and i are actually pretty close and i'm a complete daddy's girl. they have supported me in each and everything i do. i've played softball all of my life and they have traveled all around the country with me to watch and support me. in high school, i was in every club imagineable and they drove me all around until i could drive.

i'm almost scared to meet my "genes" i mean...i really don't want to hurt them...that is my biggest fear is hurting them...

[crick]

As an aparent....I would want my kids to come talk to me about their desire/plan to search. As any parent...we want our kids to feel like they can approach us with things in life. Just because you turn 18, doesn't mean we stop being your parent.

Maybe you should look at it this way...

By seeking out your medical information, or just general information that you want about yourself, you are finding bits and pieces of yourself. Which is what most young adults do, whether it's an adoption related quest, religious, career etc. Yours happens to be adoption related, but if you take that factor out of things, maybe it won't seem so scary.

If you were flinging it in their faces saying "Thanks for the 18 years, I'm off to find my "REAL" parents", then that would be hurtful. To seek out things rightfully yours...your information, that's not something to apologize for at all. I think if they've supported you in everything you've done, then it's not a far reach to make that they'll support you in this.

And one other thing...I'm willing to bet your parents wouldn't want you taking the weight of their struggles to be parents on your shoulders. That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, and I hope you know that you don't need to do that.

Another way to look at it....all children grow up to make their own decisions and as parents, we know that some of those decisions will be things we disagree with. (I'm not saying they'll disagree with your search decision) But even if we don't agree with things, we still love our kids and in general want to support them. (obviously if my kid wants to go off and be a drug lord, well, no...I'm not going to support that )

I think as with any changes a person wants to make, your approach to it will make a difference. If you tell your parents that it has nothing to do with them or their love for you, or your love for them, but more of a "I'd like to know more about me", it shouldn't come off as hurtful to them.

[ripples]

I'd say all kids, whether adopted or not, wonder where they came from, so it's normal to wonder about one's 'genes'. And many adoptees share your fear of hurting one's a-parents' feelings.

Understanding that your folks went through a lot of pain to have kids helps with you being compassionate - but you can't take on total responsibility for how your parents feel. All you can do is be as honest and caring as you can.

There's a whole section in adoption.com about talking to adoptive parents Why Adoptees Search - Special Needs, Article, Children, Hope, Information, One, Parent, Parents, Que , including a sample letter that perhaps you can cut and paste bits from if wording's a hurdle. http://www.geocities.com/tmusso.geo/mom_dad.html

I'd say that the main points to convey are:
1) you want to know about your biological roots
2) you love your parents dearly

All the best to you as you take your first steps. As the saying goes, 'feel the fear and do it anyway'.

[phoenix11]

Hi SarcasticKisses.. For all the feelings and emotions you are experiencing at this very moment is precisely why this is one of the biggest hurdles for adoptees to encounter and get around. In the event you discuss this with your parents and they react in an unbecoming manner its likely because of their own insecurities. Sure I would expect them to be put off a bit at first because they'll probably be a little shocked, but hopefully with time they'll cool down and realize that this is an important event for you.

I'm figuring my situation is about the most tormenting situation possible for an adoptee. I sat my parents down one day to have an honest adult discusion, and like you I was into sports and mom & dad ran me all over the place and loved following me around when I wrestled and such. I also have known about being adopted since I was 5. My mother, mainly, would bring up little adoption tid-bits from time to time while growing up about being sweedish because Im blond/ blue eyes & other stuff like that so I never thought it would be a problem to have this type of discussion.

The day came & I had enough day dreaming & wondering. I sat the folks down and was very cautious and tender about what I said and how I said it, my mom is a very sensitive person. I went on to say, "I'd like to find my birth mom." They just about fell off their their chairs with gasps and hooitn' all flustered. I went on, "Im not trying to trade you guys in for a new model, or a better version, I just want to know where I came from." (yes i said it like that) Then I went on about all the natural curiosities i have. They flat out said NO. Something shreiked inside me. I felt a source of anger & betrayal I never felt before begin to grow in me, I remained calm and didnt let them know I was that bothered by it. I expressed my dissapointment, but the anger and hurt I felt at that moment I honestly didint know that's what I was feeling, which is another story for another time, was shrugged off. To add insult to injury my mother went into the other room only to return to tell me that she called 411 and found out there were 3 families in our state with my birth last name. They still wouldnt tell me. My mom was afraid that I would hop on a bus and go find her as soon as our conversation was over. (even tho I had a perfectly good car) My dad said they were sworn to secrecy.

I just sat there mystified. I was 25 yrs old! It took me 7 more years to find out what I wanted to know. I was 33 so just last year I learned my birth name, and Im now in search.

The point of this entire story is that no matter how delicate you present yourself your parents will most likely be taken back by it at first. They key point is, at least the seed is planted.

You should expect to do a lot of reassuring, but stick to your guns about how important this is to you. Tell them there's an unexplainable thirst within you that you cant quite quench. Remind them of how much you love them, and let them know that this is something you want to experience with them. (if thats what you prefer to do of course) If they still seem reluctant and wont go along with your request, than you've planted the seed and at the very least you'll feel a sense of relief because you expressed the way you feel!

Best wishes,
John

[Mil]

Hi, it's me again. I thought I'd add something.

My son was his parent's only child. They too were older (late 30's) and they doted on him - especially his mom. They're extremely close. His dad was always supportive of him searching, but his mom was not. When he found me, his dad was happy, but his mom was not. She cried. She was scared! But once she realized that her place didn't change, things were easier. We've become very good friends! It's like we're part of the same family. We have grandsons in common and we're both 'Grandma'. We've gone to Grandparent's Day at the twin's school together. I know this sounds simplistic, but it took a while to get to this point, lol.

I think you need to give your parents a chance to accept this. From the sounds of it you guys are really close and I'll bet they'll end up supporting you in this. But you've got to be open and truthful and give your parents a chance. It's a scary situation for all involved!

[newlyorphaned]

Hi again
My mom freaked to when I told her it looked like I'd found my birth family. I'd mentioned a time or two that I was searching so I thought she'd be prepared but she wasn't. She screeched "I didn't take yoiu away from her" in a voice I'd never heard before. She said this a few more times on a few more occassions. Then her birthday came and I flew out unannounced to suprise her. That seemed to let her know she wasn't being relplaced or abandoned. It still makes her uncomfortable if I mention my birth family but she doesn't freak out anymore! Now I pretty much just don't mention it much. She knows about the trip and just said that she hopes it will help me "put it to rest." She doesn't get it and she probably never will but she's more secure with the situation these days. I've discovered that aparents have their own set of fears associated with adoption as do birth parents (my bmom was afraid I'd hate her). We have to deal with our fears of hurting out aparents, and the fear of abandonment and rejection with our bparents. They have to deal with their fears as well. Take your time and you will work through all the fears, give them time and they will work though theirs as well.