[EllieJ11]

Hi,
I'm a birthmom who has a reunion coming up in the next couple of months. I'm interested in hearing what you want and/or wanted from the first time you met with your bmom?

I think a lot bmom's probably have some idea of what they would like that first meeting to look like, for example many of us have made scrapbooks to present when we meet, but maybe that would even be too overwhelming. With that being said, I'm interested in what an adoptee would like out of that first meeting... For example, who would you like to be there, what type of information would you be looking for, how would you hope your bmom would act...

I think bmoms and adoptees are going into these things with different perspectives so I look forward to hearing what you think...

[Sun8]

For me, depending on what age I was would depend on what I would want. what age is your child?

[EllieJ11]

He'll be 18.

[irisheyes33]

Hi Ellie,

First off, congratulations!!

I was 35 when I reunited almost 2 years ago, so my perspective might be a bit different...

My bmom and I met one on one in a neutral city, and that turned out to be the world's greatest decision for both of us. We didn't want to involve other family members just yet...we thought it would be too overwhelming, and that also was a great choice for us. I know this is not the case with other people, but for me it helped to remove some of the strain. I was looking forward to meeting my aunt and grandmother, but I was afraid of others feeling "pushed out" if I was too focused on my mother, if that makes sense!

Your son might want to see pictures...maybe not too many all at once, but one thing most of us have in common is a wish to see resemblances in others...

As far as how to act...it sounds cliche, but be yourself. Your natural instincts will tell you how to respond. Your son is still pretty young, so I would take your cues from him a bit. The feelings you will encounter are overpowering and unexplainable...I would just make sure that you have a support system around you afterwards when you need them (spouse, friends, whoever makes you comfortable). If nothing else, they will help keep you grounded!

I'm very happy for you!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by EllieJ11

Hi,
I'm a birthmom who has a reunion coming up in the next couple of months. I'm interested in hearing what you want and/or wanted from the first time you met with your bmom?

I think a lot bmom's probably have some idea of what they would like that first meeting to look like, for example many of us have made scrapbooks to present when we meet, but maybe that would even be too overwhelming. With that being said, I'm interested in what an adoptee would like out of that first meeting... For example, who would you like to be there, what type of information would you be looking for, how would you hope your bmom would act...

I think bmoms and adoptees are going into these things with different perspectives so I look forward to hearing what you think...

My bson searched and contacted me and after a month of emails almost every day, I set a date to meet him, which he got very excited about. He also got very scared. So to break the ice, I got my friend to do a video of me talking to him. I got her to come to the door and I pretended it was him and invited "him in" and showed him round my flat and introduced him to my cat and aquarium and the PC where I first got his email/contact!

It went down a treat, as he then couldn't wait to meet me. He did the same (although I didn't ask, he did it on DVD) and sent me a DVD, which alerted me to a boy in pain and sent me various unsaid messages, that my gut feeling told me and later, after several months of corresponding, I was right. This boy has huge self medication for emotional problems and I was letting myself in for a lot of heartache and problems. I didn't want to turn back though. He looked nothing like I envisaged. I had fantasised what he would look like and it was nothing close to it. I'm glad I got that shock out of the way, so that he wouldn't pick up on my reaction when I actually did get to see him.

I still feel this was the best thing we could have done. We were both in fantasy land and the "preview" helped me to be more realistic in how this was going to go.

My bson had no idea what he wanted to ask me and thought he would "wing" it, i.e. leave it until the day and see how it went. He made me laugh so much in the hours we spent on our first day, that I could hardly breathe. He held my hand too for the most part and that was quite sweet.

I think he just wanted to SEE me, HOLD me and think "THATS MY MUM". When we first met, funnily enough, neither one of us cried and we both thought we would, like get so emotional, but we just put our arms around each other and didn't MOVE for some time. We met in the adoption agency's room as a neutral ground, with the agency social worker popping in after an hour to see how we were getting on. I took him a photo album full of pictures of his bfamily and I left that with him, but it was hard getting it back, so I wouldn't advise that again, as it was the only pictures I had of my own childhood and pictures of my mum, who'd died the year before.

I hope this is helpful, we had an extremely enjoyable reunion on day 1 (about 4 hours, including 3 hours walk in the local park/shops/bite to eat). Upon advice from the social worker/adoption agency, I took my best friend (who was there and had made herself scarce for the actual reunion) so that I had someone for when I returned and was there for me for such a huge emotional thing, and we stayed in a hotel overnight ready for my next meeting with my son the next day). Day 2, I spent nearly all day with my son from 11.30am - 10pm with a 2 hour journey home. My friend drove, as I was in no fit state, even though I was euphoric. It was a great 2 days, but my son showed tremendous emotional distress when i was about to leave him and henceforth, the great roller coaster that I was unprepared for began. I wished I'd have known about this website then, and I wished I'd have read Julie Bailey's et Lynn Giddens book about Adoption Reunion Survival Guide, I think I would have been much better prepared.

I made a vow that I would not buy him anything, but that the "gift" would be us two, together. I still haven't bought him anything, as I think it has to be the relationship that comes to the fore. Photos are enough I think and the love and correspondence and getting to know each other.

Hope this helps. Lots of love. Despite the trauma, anguish and roller coaster, I wouldn't change a thing. I love my son deeply and am so glad he has made an appearance into my life.

[kakuehl]

Another bmom here. D was 32. almost 33 when I located him and at a very good place in his life although it had been a year of stress for him: (new job, new baby, got married, bought a house, pet of 14 years died, bmom found him...). We communicated by e-mail and IM until I invited him (and his family) to my home for an early Thanksgiving with my husband and children. I know - I did the opposite of the previous posters! It could have been a disaster but it worked for us (although D did start to hyperventitilate when he arrived and couldn't get out of the car for five minutes.) Both D and his A parents have said that our reunion may well not have gone as well when D was 18 (a very angry, difficult time of him.) The first thing D wanted to know about was medical history. I must admit there was more to tell him than I had when he was born! D has also enjoyed finding people he looks related to! (Poor guy does look like me!)

I hope your reunion goes well.

[snuffie]

Hi
I'm an adoptee. I reunited with my bfamily 5 years ago. So sadly, my bmom had passed away a few years before I met her.
If I could have sat down and talked with her I would have wanted to know that she loved me and thought of me. I would have liked to hear the "story" of how I came to be. I would have wanted to hug her and cry with her and just talk about our lives.
I did meet some members of my birth grandmothers family last summer. It was awesome. Everything was so relaxed and I felt so welcomed. It was like I'd known them all of my life. In fact, they asked me if I had been nervous on the 5 hour drive and I said that I had been. But once I walked in the door the love just hit me and I felt so comfortable. I enjoyed looking at pictures and hearing stories of my grandmother. And I feel like I have a "new" family.

I think the biggest thing in reunion is to be yourself and be respectful of the other person's feelings. They are dealing with emotions too. It is a very emotional time and sometimes it is good to step back and just take it all in.

Best wishes to everyone who is reuniting.

Snuffie

[PastorStephanie]

Ellie, I am an adoptee, who was been in an on again off again reunion with bfamily for 10 years... starting when I turned 18. The last year and a half has been extremely consistent and things are healthy, not so many highs and lows.

When I had my first meeting with my bmom it was horrible... because of the set-up. My bmom and I have talked and laughed about that first meeting several times now and it was wrong for both of us. Because I was 18, my aparents wanted to be involved and although that was not what I wanted for our FIRST meeting... it felt out of my control. (It wasn't what my bmom wanted either, but she mistakenly thought it was what I wanted). I would have prefered a one on one meeting- someplace netural, I suppose, where she and I could have bonded without all the complications. (Complications being our concerns for how everyone else in the room- my afamily, was feeling.)

I also wish that we had taken the intergration of all of her family back into my life at a slower pace... not that I would have wanted to be a secert from them... just that I often want to focus on just her and feel like I can't because of the others involved.

I don't know that I could have explained what I wanted or needed in that first meeting beforehand, because I was very emotional going into it and I had no idea! Hindsight allows me to see that the awkward set-up of our first several meetings created some of the confusion early on... confusion that took years to straighten out. But it did straighten out and I am a much better person for having her and her family back in my life!

Good Luck!

[EllieJ11]

Irisheyes and Jannyroo
I'm so glad to hear that you were interested in pictures. I spent several months putting together a scrapbook showing similarities (I have a couple of his baby pictures and even in those there is a strong resemblence) and then included information and stories about my family and I. It's only about 15 pages but wasn't sure if that would be too overwhelming on a first meeting. I know this may sound funny but I've been unsure if I wanted to have my husband there or not but from what you ladies have shared I think the support may be nice.

kakuehl
When I initially contacted the family I just wanted them to know that if he was ever interested in contact, that I would be interested. I didn't expect that them to say lets do it in the next year. Once I received the good new, I suggested that he and I correspond (email, IM etc.) between now and then to work into the whole thing slowly. Apparently the aparents didn't think that was a good idea because they said nothing about that. I'm not even sure if he knows that I have contacted them or that we are meeting in the near future.

Snuffie
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It's nice to hear about the things you were interested in hearing about.

PastorStephanie
It sounds like our reunion is being set up a lot like yours. The aparents want to be present, which is fine with me, but I can see how it could be uncomfortable at times. It seems like it could place my son in an awkward position as I understand he's been interested in meeting me for sometime but obviously will have strong loyalties to his aparents. I also appreciate your feedback about your desire to focus on your bmom at the beginning. I'll definitely keep that in mind.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by EllieJ11

Irisheyes and Jannyroo
I'm so glad to hear that you were interested in pictures. I spent several months putting together a scrapbook showing similarities (I have a couple of his baby pictures and even in those there is a strong resemblence) and then included information and stories about my family and I. It's only about 15 pages but wasn't sure if that would be too overwhelming on a first meeting. I know this may sound funny but I've been unsure if I wanted to have my husband there or not but from what you ladies have shared I think the support may be nice..

I think my son and I spent the first HOUR looking at photos, and he couldn't drink in enough. (In fact I ended up letting him keep the album for some time before I got it back in the post) - what is old hat for you, this is a new discovery for them and it takes them aback, the emotion of "thats your grandma, thats your grandad" etc, so don't be afraid to take 20 or even 30 pages of the stuff!! IMHO.

May I clarify that although I had support, no-one accompanied me to the actual reunion. The meeting was held in a room at the adoption society's premises, but once he came in the room, we were left alone and we spent the next 4 hours ... alone and the next day we spent 2 hours... alone. Only on the 2nd day did we "share" our time with someone else (my friend) and even then, we'd spent some time alone that morning.

So, it IS precious, so go by your instincts as to whether you actually want to share those moments, even with your husband. If he is there when you come back from reunion, great, but you may find that you wish to spend those few precious hours... with your precious child. Do what YOU feel is my advice.

Hope it goes swimmingly for you ((((hugs)))))

[EllieJ11]

I can definitely see the benefit of meeting alone, but his aparents have made it clear that they will be present. So, maybe our second meeting, assuming there is a second meeting, will be more private.

[PastorStephanie]

As I mentioned earlier in this thread, my aparents were very clear that they were going to be present when I met my bmom. I wished that our first meeting had been just the two of us but that wasn't possible because I couldn't assert myself to my aparents- too nervous and that wasn't my bmom's place to address that (as they would have taken it entirely the wrong way). So, everyone was there at our first meeting... and that was tough.

In thinking about what would have made it better for me- without being able to change the "who was in the room" factor, I came up with a few thoughts. I would have loved it if my bmom had handed me a personal letter from her at the end of that first meeting, for me to read in private later, summarizing a little bit of how she felt about meeting me or expressing some acceptance of me. The actual first meeting flew by so fast that I don't remember a thing she said or I said. I only remember the waves of emotion. A letter would have been reassuring! Just a thought...!?

[EllieJ11]

Pastor Stephanie~
I love your idea of the letter. What a great opportunity for some reassurance.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by EllieJ11

I can definitely see the benefit of meeting alone, but his aparents have made it clear that they will be present. So, maybe our second meeting, assuming there is a second meeting, will be more private.

Ouch! sorry, but "his aparents have made it clear that they will be present"? What gives? Can't they see how private, emotional, intense, tearful, agony, wonderful, and all the rest......... you need time alone! Can you not agree to meet somewhere neutral, like some adoption agency place (thats what we did, so that we had time alone in a room and then went for a walk together, just us round the town's parks).

Can they not "be in the next room, or take a walk and meet up later?" - I am so saddened that they have made it their resolve to be on hand. That must be so tough for you. Yes, you don't know how its going to go, but at least if you had the first hour together, to hug, to cry, to look at photos, to savour the moment, surely they can agree to some time alone, even if the oversight is close????

thinking of you with much love and (((hugs))) and hope before reunion that something can be resolved on this.... I don't think I could cope with what you are facing, but that's me I guess. Hope things can change for you. x x x x x

[EllieJ11]

Jannyroo~
I appreciate your thoughts. It's funny I guess I hadn't really thought about the challenges of having the aparents present until now. I guess there was part of me that could understand their desire to be present but now I'm not sure what to think.

I had suggested that before the meeting that my son and I email, write etc. I thought that might help break the ice but his parents apparently didn't want to do that. I don't even know if he knows we'll be meeting. I'm a little concerned that if his parents wait to tell him a few days/weeks before our meeting that it may be even more overwhelming for him. What do you guys think about that? How long did you have to absorb the idea of reunion before it happened?