[2littleguys]

Hi, I've been a "silent reader" on these message boards, taking it all in but not sharing much... I'm a pretty private person. But I was wondering if someone can help me, because I'm having trouble getting through the days right now. I have a hubby and two little kids who need me to be my "old self".
Here's my story in a nutshell... Since I've become Mommy I've had enormous longing to meet bmom. Since I was a kid I thought I had her last name ... found out I was wrong. I know I could sign up on the registries, but I feel it'd be disrespectful to aparents without talking to them first. And in the relationship I have with aparents, talking about anything other than the weather is way personal. I can't bring myself to do it. But my whole life I've convinced myself She'd find Me. Now I'm having trouble waiting.
I saw a therapist, who says sounds like I'm having "abandonment issues" with birthmom. That reunions, although you hear about them, rarely happen. That in order to stop grieving, I have to accept that I will never meet her, and that if I do, it's just a bonus.
Although I'd love to accept that, I can't. But I can't go on like this. I know I suck at sharing feelings /anything personal with people in my life. I feel like I'm sabbatoging my relationship with my husband. I'm in my own quiet, introspective, self-absorbant, sad, sad world of my own. I'd love to turn off my brain and open my mouth, but I can't.
I keep myself and my kids very busy during the day, with all kids of social things. But if there's a quiet time, even for 5 minutes, I just hurt so bad. It exhausts me. Sometimes I feel like someone physically shot me in the chest. It sounds melodramatic, I know. I haven't had a bad life. I can't believe I feel like this. I'm not even in search of a long term solution right now. But is there anyone who can help me get through tomorrow? When the kids are napping and I'm by myself? When they're eating lunch and everything is quiet for a moment? When everyone goes to bed? Any words of wisdom or ideas will be appreciated.

[kakuehl]

First, you may want to find another therapist! You could well be having "abandonment issues" but to me you also sound despressed! I'm not sure what you have to lose by saying to your mom what you just wrote: "Since I became a mom, I really feel a need to find out about the woman who gave birth to me." What do you have to lose; it doesn't sound like you are very close to your parents. Would you amom accept a need to find out more about your medical history?

My bson waited for me to find me... I was waiting for him to find me. I finally found him because I registered here and found that he had also registered here (he thinks five years earlier). I have no clue how rare "these reunions" are. I can only tell you that D and I are in reunion because we both looked (not very hard!) It could be that if you register at the various sites for bmom may find you. (or you may find her). Your therapist is right - there are no guarantees. And finding your bmom won't solve all your problems. You do need to grieve the loss of your bmom in your life. Whether or not you find your bmom, you have to come to terms with who you are.

Have you tried journaling? Write a letter to your bmom that says what you want to say to her. Express your emotions. Noone else has to ever see it, but it may help you.

Remember that you don't have to get through tomorrow all at once. Concentrate on getting through 1 hour (or 10 minutes at a time.)

I hear a lot of grief in your post. When people mourn they experience many of the emotions you are expressing. They sometimes feel like they are going crazy. I suspect that the birth of your children is the trigger. You are mourning the loss of your bmom and the relationship you never had with her and the fear you will never have a relationship with her.

Please try to remember that there are many people here who have experienced very similar feelings. One of the greatest things I've found about this site is that we support one another. There's someone here to talk with, cry with, laugh with, vent!

I don't want you offend you because I don't know what if anything you believe about God. I believe that you are a much loved child of God and I will hold you in my prayers in the coming days. Please feel free to PM, IM or email me.

[DASmith]

First of all, as to the part about reunions rarely happening is crazy. They may not happen as much as we'd like for them to but they DO happen. Just read the forums. There are plenty of stories. A friend of mine was just reunited with her birth daughter about 2 months ago and it's going great. It has made me want to find my bmom (just started looking). You've got to think positive and take your search for your bmom one single step at a time. It's not gonna happen any faster than one step at a time. #2 if you're not signed up on the registries you're taking big chance on not finding her if she DID sign up. It may be hard to discuss with your afamily but if it's important to you to find your bmom/bfamily then hopefully they will at least support you even if they don't understand. Now as far as shutting off your feelings and keeping "very busy" there's only one real problem with that approach, sooner or later they're gonna fester up and come out on their own. You need to find a constructive way to deal with the feelings and hopefully in the process learn why you feel the way you do. Keeping a journal is just the way to do it. You don't have to put down a story. You can keep it simple just notes about a particular feeling or thought or situation that arises during your day. Something else you can think about doing is making a list of things you'd like to share with your bmom WHEN you find her whether it be something kids did, questions you've need answered for yourself or anything of that nature. NO ONE has to read this but you. Let me ask you an easy question, Does the therapist you are using specialize or have any training in adoption related issues? If not you might want to find one that does.
Just remember don't worry about getting through tomorrow. Just learn to live in today. Danny

P.S. I have a favorite quote that fits well here.
I don't know what the future may hold for me BUT, I do know WHO holds the future.... I hope this helps and if you even need someone to listen IM, PM, or Email me.

[adoptionsearchblog2]

That reunions, although you hear about them, rarely happen. That in order to stop grieving, I have to accept that I will never meet her, and that if I do, it's just a bonus.

I take it that your therapists knows nothing about adoption? Sounds to me like it is possibly time to search. Reunions happen often. I was found by my son 5 years ago. Are you making any efforts to find your birth mom? If not, maybe you should consider doing so - at the very least you might want to sign up with some registries.

[grace19]

hi 2littleguys,

I think Kathy and others gave you some great ideas and encouragement. There's probably not much else I can add. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for reaching out for help and please continue to do so. We are all here to support each other.

[healingfeeling]

i'm also just here to offer you some support. adoption emotions can be strong all around.

just to touch on what you said about not feeling right about searching with out talking to your aparents first.....you need to do what's right for you....its your choice and if it causes you that much anxiety to think about talking it out with them then start the search without talking with them and start telling yourself that its OKAY and your right to search and make peace with yourself.

of course reunions happen all the time! myself and my husband (both 1/2 adopted) both met our fathers after growing up without them.

you take care and don't be a stranger on here. this board can be a real Godsend...

[2littleguys]

Thanks for your help, everyone. I feel better starting off this day. I'm going to take you up on your suggestions and start journaling, as I seem to be able to type/ write things, but not talk about them! What can it hurt, right? As far as my therapist, no, she doen't know the 1st thing about adoption. I've only seen her 2ce, but I feel worse when I leave her office than when I walked in. I'm not sure if that's the way it's supposed to work! And as far as registering my info at reunion sites, I know this sounds goofy, but I'm really paranoid about my aparents or their friends finding my name on them. I'm not sure why, but I'd feel more comfy having a conversation with anyone other than them.
My kiddies are destroying my house now, so I have to go, but I really really appreciate your support! 2littleguys (no matter what kind of mood I'm in, the little banana guy cracks me up)

[sal]

2little guys.... You sound like me when my children were young... I tried to deny the fact that I needed to search for my bmother and hopefully answers for 48 long years. DASmith was right about feelings.. that if you stuff them down for too long... they DO find a way to fester up to the surface. I was also dealing with life ending illnesses with both of my aparents as well and I ended up in my doctor's office sobbing. I did some counseling with a doctor that had some basic understanding of adoption issues... but was also a VERY kind, supportive person who helped me understand that I was now an adult... NOT the child... and I could make decisions based on what's best for me... and searching was what was best!!! I can happily say that I've been in a wonderful reunion with my bmother, bsibs, and a HUGE extended bfamily for 5 1/2 years now... so reunions DO happen..... When I started out searching I really wasn't sure if contact with my bfamily was something that I was going to want... so I gave myself permission to search for answers... and then IF I decided to contact... I could. What state would you be searching in?... Many have offices that can assist you in directing you either to the adoption agency... or to a state office that could help... good luck in your journey.. sal

[ripples]

Originally Posted by 2littleguys

As far as my therapist, no, she doen't know the 1st thing about adoption. I've only seen her 2ce, but I feel worse when I leave her office than when I walked in.

Hey 2littleguys, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote and it sounds like the birth of your own kids triggered a lot of grief. Your description of how getting through even 5 minutes is difficult really resonated with me. I had a similar experience once my post-adoption reunion triggered all these painful emotions. Although I'm usually a very sporty person, even lifting my arm was literally like lifting lead. And my acupuncturist (luckily he's an adoptee too) recognized this as bereavement-related depression.

I, too, would recommend that you find a therapist with whom you feel comfortable. I found 2 therapists (one in Taiwan and one overseas). Altho' they didn't have much, if any, experience about adoption, they were empathetic and specialized in grief and trauma issues as well as open to hearing about the articles on adoption I'd found. My therapy sessions were basically there to help me grieve, to let my emotions out in a safe place. Although I often felt exhausted after each session, I still felt better after having a good vent and having someone acknowledge my pain. I also found going to a post-adoption support group very, very helpful.

For me, I felt that by FIRST going through the grieving/mourning I have then been able to start addressing the abandonment stuff and reaching a stage of 'acceptance'. I don't think I could have just leapfrogged straight into accepting all this sad adoption stuff until I'd first allowed myself to grieve. From all that I've read about grief, reactions such as denial, disbelief, frenzied activity, tears, anger, depression, etc; are often all part of the journey - the sense of integration and acceptance doesn't come until after the emotions have run their course.

We need to mourn the loss of our birth family and whatever that meant to us. Each of us grieves in our own way. Good for you for starting by posting here. Often it's scary for one, including me, to reach out for help when they're at their most vulnerable point. I hope that at least by coming to this site you'll find some comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

Yours,
Ripples

[InionGrinn]

Hi and welcome! (((((((((((Hugs and a to cheer you))))))))))))))


I was pretty much EXACTLY in your shoes almost 3 years ago.....so I want you to know you CAN get past this dark time. If I was as honest with myself as you have been here, I could have written every word of your post myself.

I saw a therapist, who says sounds like I'm having "abandonment issues" with birthmom. That reunions, although you hear about them, rarely happen.

To echo the others, you need a new therapist! It is Very common for an otherwise"good" therapist to be totally mis/uninformed about adult adoptee issues. Very easy for them to slap the old "abandonment" thing on it b/c that's all they remember from their schooling 15 years ago. I agree with Kath, you seem to be dealing more with depression at this moment.

Originally Posted by 2littleguys

... Since I've become Mommy I've had enormous longing to meet bmom.

This was also the spark for me, when my son was born 9 years ago, but I pushed it out of my mind for 6 years after that.....

I know I could sign up on the registries, but I feel it'd be disrespectful to aparents without talking to them first.

I want to tell you that I don't think it is in any way disrespectful for you to search without your parent's input. YOU are the adoptee and not a child anymore - you don't need their permission for this the same way you don't need to ask them how to raise your own children. I DO think that it could be healing for you to talk to your parents about your search *when YOU are ready to* but you don't need your parents to attend the search journey ribbon cutting. This is for YOU. And, also, for your children. They have a right (IMHO) to understand their own biological history as well and this could be a great gift to them.

But is there anyone who can help me get through tomorrow? When the kids are napping and I'm by myself? When they're eating lunch and everything is quiet for a moment?

I have found that in times of depression and "mental paralysis" I write a list of three things. That's it, three things, that I want to accomplish that day. Then I try to do them. Even if it is just: unload the dishwasher, sweep the floor, write one page in my journal about my feelings.

Also, I think it will help once you have given yourself permission to search. Write a list of the things you know and the things you want to know. Research what your next step could be.

Even if you don't go out and register today, go make a file and bookmark the websites you COULD register at. ISRR, ALMA, here, etc.

[cnb1099]

OK as my birthmother found me I may not be the best responder to this but I will send you lots of hugs and tell you this: When I was "found" I had no preparations, no thought in my mind that she ever wanted to know me..nothing. And getting that email and verifying that she was indeed the woman who gave birth to me was the most numbing, shockingly emotional moment of my entire lifetime. And at first I thought..why now? Why 37 years later? It is not fair to upheave my life right now. I went to my parents and told them and they were supportive (not thrilled, but supportive). They also were worried and concerned for me. But when I told them that knowing more was something that I needed to do for me..they understood.

I started a journal that day..of my emotions and all the things that I felt like nobody else would understand or "get". And it has become my own therapy. It lets me vent and put exactly how I feel out there, without my fear of saying the wrong thing or hurting anyones feelings. It may not work for everyone, but it was a tremendous help. And these forums...like HealingFeeling said have truelly been a Godsend. The people that I have bonded with here and connected with, have seen me through more emotional highs and lows and they "get it".

So I hope that you do what is best for you..because although you do not want to hurt the people around you , holding it all in hurts you which ultimately hurts them too! I hope that we see you around here and be strong! Blessings and hugs!

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by 2littleguys

And as far as registering my info at reunion sites, I know this sounds goofy, but I'm really paranoid about my aparents or their friends finding my name on them. I'm not sure why, but I'd feel more comfy having a conversation with anyone other than them.

I wanted to mention that you don't have to put your name on reunion registries if you don't want to. You can put your birthday, with a first name or initials. In fact, some say the less info the better so you don't get scammed by someone. Also, you could just start looking for whether SHE has posted info before posting yourself.

As far as you aparents or friends finding the stuff, they'd probably have to be specifically searching. Even when I ego-surf (google my name) nothing comes up that connects my name to my adoption information.

[Sniffles]

Everyone here has given you some great advice. I agree with Inion, you really should register on some of the registries. You do not have to put your name, just use your initals. You also may want to set up a seperate e-mail account just for this. That away you can keep all of the adoption things seperate from the other stuff.

I finally registered in June 2005, within minutes of registering a seach angel e-mailed me with my b-mom's name. Within days I had addresses and phone numbers for her and her brother. I wrote her two letters and one Christmas card and I did not get a response from her.

After I moved last year I went through and updated my registries. A search angel found my b-grandparents and made contact with them. They did know about me and they wanted contact with me. I have been in reunion with them since April 2006.

I may not be the best person to answer this one because I am blessed that I have parents who are very supportive and understanding, but I do not think it is disrespectful for you to search without your parents knowing. This is something that you need to do for you and only you.

[Jan18]

I too wanted to offer my support. This site has been a Godsend to me in my search and reunion.

Like other have said, I think you need to find a new therapist. Someone who has some knowledge of adoption issues.

I didn't start my search until a few months after the birth of my daughter. It wasn't until I gave birth and held a biological link to me that I felt the need and desire to find my bmom and bdad. In those early weeks and months of motherhood, I would rock my baby and just cry my eyes out wondering why my mom hadn't come to find me. I would wonder what our moments together before reliquishment were like. And it wasn't until I had a baby of mine own that I truly realized what had happened (a child and mother seperated).

Reunions do happen. My amom has a group of amom friends. There are probably 6 moms total. Each mom has 2 achildren. I am one of the last of the 12 achildren to search and be in reunion. Some were found, and others searched.

I encourage you to contact your adoption agency, get your non-id info., and register on line. Come here for support. There is always someone here to answer a question, or just let you know that they are listening or can relate.

Welcome and I am glad you were able to tell us your story!!

[BrennaMiriam]

Wow,it's almost like reading myself.
I am a too,an adoptee,and was a teenmum,once my eldest was born,that's when I started wondering,why,who,where?And the older I get,the more scared I get of maybe never getting answers to my questions,cause like you,I thought,she'll find me first,get frustrated every day when I don't have a mail with news,why isn't she looking for me?
Words of wisdom ,well I don't have any,but just want to let you know,you're not the only feeling like you do,but you have two children,two bloodlines,be the best mom that you can, be,cause we maybe we're not wanted ,but they are,so rejoice and be greatfull,cause you don't want you're kids to have an unhappy mommy right.
Anyway,if you'de like to chat more,let me know,cause,we adoptees can learn a lot from eacht other.