[cnb1099]

This is a question I have asked myself for the past 6 months. I realize I am fairly new in reunion (May 2006) but it seems like every stage has brought about a new set of emotions and anxieties. Is there anyone in reunion that is at that "comfortable" place? I just want to know if this is the way it will always be emotionally for me, just at different levels. Or does there come a time for some reunions that you are just totally "comfortable" with each other.

I know answers vary according to the reunion but I would love to hear some of your thoughts.

[Jan18]

I am interested in hearing other answers too. I was thinking the same thing today. I feel like I am at a stand still. Still don't know where I stand with my bmom. She is hot and cold with me. One day seems very excited to talk to me, then next, sarcastic and distant. I really try not to read too much into things, but I get irritated. It has been almost a year since we had our first communication. I still feel like we are just starting in this journey!

[pg13209]

Hi,
I have been in reunion since April of 04. My bmom and I still have our ups and downs. Mainly we are still trying to get used to each other and how the other one does things. I am kindda lucky she lives 500 miles away so it is not like i see her all the time. The only problem i really have is the fact that she loves to gab on the phone. If it were up to her she would have a three hour conversation with me every day!!! Me on the other hand HATES talking on the phone and it pains me to talk to her for long amounts of time. 9 times out of ten I am fine it is when I am busy with school that I have the issue. you see she never had any more children so I am it. trust me there will be good times and bad you just have to work through the bad and thank your lucky stars that you found each other, for there are THOUSANDS still searching.
hope this helped a little

[Sniffles]

cnb, I am about as new as you are, but here is how I feel anyway. My reunion with my grandparents is starting to settle down and get comfortable, just a little bit. As far as my b-mom goes, that is still an emotional up and down ride ride. I still hold on to a little hope that she will come around.

[PastorStephanie]

I first met my bmom over ten years ago... for the first 9 years it was on again and off again every 6 months or so. About a year and a half ago we promised one another that there would be no more "off again" seasons... We have had a steady relationship since that promise. The emotional rollarcoaster was a daily issue all through those 9 and half years. Once we promised one another to not pull back again- the rollarcoaster continued... for another year... but then one day I noticed myself feeling comfortable. I have felt myself not panicing and not over thinking everything. I have found myself feeling safe and steady... for about the last 3 months.

I've been trying to put my finger on why things changed for us. I think that the reason things have become steady and comfortable is that we have spent alot of time talking about the heart issues. For the last year and a half we have been truly honest and open. We have taken the risk to ask and answer the tough questions and express our deepest fears and feelings. At first this was terrifiying... and at first this contributed to the rollar coaster effect but now I think that this honest communication is the reason our relationship has become comfortable.

[healingfeeling]

pastorstephanie wrote

I've been trying to put my finger on why things changed for us. I think that the reason things have become steady and comfortable is that we have spent alot of time talking about the heart issues. For the last year and a half we have been truly honest and open. We have taken the risk to ask and answer the tough questions and express our deepest fears and feelings. At first this was terrifiying... and at first this contributed to the rollar coaster effect but now I think that this honest communication is the reason our relationship has become comfortable

i want to whole heartedly agree with pastorstephanie on her comments about opening up your heart and talking about the "hard stuff". I believe that this is why my biodad and I are having a hard time right now. Its been over a year since I first wrote to him and we have NOT had the in depth "hard" conversation that I've been wanting to have. Everytime I bring up something like that he refuses to talk about it and says it puts him in a bad mood. Coupled with the fact that all of our communication is by phone and he says we'll talk about these things face to face with a bottle of whiskey (so NOT my style.....and I'm pregnant!) He hasn't come out here like he said he would (he promised several times) and I've lost trust in him because of that. So I thought I was comfortable in our reunion in maybe August/September but I'm in a major pullback mode and I honestly cannot see a time in the near future when things will seem normal between us.

cnb.......that rollercoaster is the scariest one i ever got on.......i'm starting to want to jump off of it.

[mrjeff]

Interesting question. I imagine each case is different. My mom and I would talk every other night for like the 1st 6 months we met. Then things started tapering off.

Now, we talk about twice a week.

Plus, there's was the year I went up to Michigan and we saw each other every day.

In all, we've known each other for 5 years. There's has been an occasional upset, but we usually move past that very quickly. For the most part, it feels normal.

We still talk about the adoption, my adoptive parents, and my other bio-family members, and my bio-dad. She still apologizes for putting up for adoption every once in a while, and she says all the time, "if I had to do it all over again, I would have kept you."

When I was living in Michigan for that year, it felt weird most of the time. There was an awareness of not being around for 30 years--it felt uncomfortable most of the time. The only thing that made things better was the fact that my biological family on my mom's side is very loving.

Jeff

[whitsunday15]

Hi Cnb! I agree that each reunion is completely different, and I also agree that it is imperative for both sides to become completely vulnerable with each other in order for any normalcy to eventually happen.

That being said, I can honestly say that I have finally leveled out and my relationship with my mom is completely comfortable and normal. I completely forget that I was ever missing from her life and vice versa. We no longer need to really talk about adoption (though sometimes situations provoke a thought or two). I just spent the last 6 weeks living with my mom and we fought like every other mother/daughter over things not related to adoption at all, and then got over it. The moments of conflict are what propel the relationship to comfortability and normalcy.

I think that we are in this place because both of us communicated exactly what we desired from the other person right in the very beginning. We were right on the same page as each other right from the very beginning and that made things so much easier for both of us. I also think we are in this place right now because both of us are 100% committed to our relationship with each other. I am the most important thing in my mom's life. And she is the most important thing in mine. Nothing else truly matters to either of us.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have a mom like her. She is unbelievable.

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by cnb1099

it seems like every stage has brought about a new set of emotions and anxieties. Is there anyone in reunion that is at that "comfortable" place?

I wish I had sage advice for you but my reunion happened only this year so I am still green like you!

I have had new emotions at these early stages -mostly sadness tempered with happiness(weird I know!) that I have found a wonderful extended birthfamily but can't have a relationship with bmom that extends past snail mail.

I must say though, my emotions haven't been as all over the map as they were when I first started searching....the decision to jump into all this took a bigger toll than the finding did, kwim??

My feeling is that things WILL even out for you...but it does seem that not all bmoms and daughters have an instant karmic connection...(this may be the case for me...maybe you?)so things might not go at the pace you wish.

Hopefully some more "seasoned' reunited adoptees will ring in with their experiences...but here I am giving you support!

[sal]

I'm a reunited adoptee for 5 and a 1/2 years.... I found my emotional roller coaster lasting for the better part of a year and a 1/2... I, too, could feel deep sorrow and almost giddy happiness that felt like they were happening at the same time. It felt like I couldn't get my emotions balanced because of fears and anxieties that they might disappear again, fears that they might change their minds and decide that they really didn't need another family member... as well as grief and sorrow over what I'd missed out on, what would never be, what I lost.... BUT... it DID get better... as the bfamily relationships got stronger for me... those feelings began to disappear... I hosted 21 bfamily members for a Christmas celebration this past week... it was an unbelievable experience... one I hope you all have a chance to have..... good luck in your journeys.. sal

[cnb1099]

I thank you all for your responses. I posted this because I was having, emotionally, such a hard time dealing with the euphoric feeling when I had contact and then the downward spiral when it would go weeks or months with no contact.

I knew in my head and in my heart that I would just need to come to terms with the reality that she has a life outside of me and that I am so truelly blessed to have any relationship at all with her. I also try to remind myself that as new as I am to all of this...so is she! She never had any other children and within a blink of an eye..Its a 37 year old girl!

I am hopeful when I hear your stories that maybe, one day we can just be..with no major loop dee loops!!

[townsenddarlene]

im not sure what u r really asking but i have reunion with my b.family just a few short mths ago...send me a message i would like to talk..my story is long some very very sad but some good..
thanks
darlene

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by cnb1099

This is a question I have asked myself for the past 6 months. I realize I am fairly new in reunion (May 2006) but it seems like every stage has brought about a new set of emotions and anxieties. Is there anyone in reunion that is at that "comfortable" place? I just want to know if this is the way it will always be emotionally for me, just at different levels. Or does there come a time for some reunions that you are just totally "comfortable" with each other. I know answers vary according to the reunion but I would love to hear some of your thoughts.

I am bmother in reunion with bson since (funnily enough) May 2006 and yes it does get better. Have had a few scenarios that should have given me a nervous breakdown! but thanks to this website and venting and wonderful support, I have managed to ride the most hideous roller coaster. Yes, it does get more comfortable, but I say this because I have had to learn to be the "parent", I have had to learn to show "unconditional love" (a first for me), I have had to draw on wisdom from above (I have a faith, which helps enormously and the support of friends has been second to none). I have cried, had emotions mangled to the point of no return, but I did return. I have waited, held my breath, wanted, yearned, the whole plethora of emotions, but... despite it all, my son and I have connected on a wonderful level through (what is encouraged everywhere) honesty, patience (not my strongest point!) self control (ditto). We'd just got to the point where we were able to slow down on the communication - and it had to, as every other day was exhausting, and the pace had to slow down, it's unrealistic to expect that kind of contact so early on in reunion, but it was tremendously hard to get off the paranoia of checking emails, waiting etc.

Now we had reached a really comfortable place, then that was turned upside down by his taking ecstasy and ending up in hospital, and after a phone call from him, he put the phone down and it was nearly 6 weeks before I heard from him again, after a bit of prompting from me and a card saying "thinking of you, with lots of love". Sounds too simple? but it broke the ice. He now knows that despite the problems he has - that I'm still here for him. I think they test you to the limit and you have to be prepared for x amount of pain, turmoil, but now, after another phone call from him, we are back to the comfortable place we were at in November before the hospital incident. I'm taking a long time to say this, sorry, but despite the ups and downs and I hate that word roller coaster as I'm sick of it, like you are probably, it is worth it to reach your child's mind and get their trust. By the time you have gone through all the hurt I've described, you should deserve that trust hopefully!!!! In the meantime, now that "comfortable" place has arrived (until the next drama!!), I am now getting my life back together on track and enjoying it to a deeper level of fulfilment, as I'm so glad he is in my life, just could do without the pain of it all, as we all could, but there you go, no going back now, and as my GP said, you get a smidgen of joy with kids even when their your own biological kids, and a great deal of being ignored until they want something!!! So try to get back into the drivers seat, and vent like mad on this website, it will save your sanity and nervous breakdown, it certainly did mine!!!!

Love and (((hugs))))

[Lynn]

Hello....I realize this board is for adoptees. Please tell me if I am not welcomed or you feel I am interferring. My ride started back in 1999. That was the year I got my first computer. The first thing I did was register on my state adoption registry. It was 9 months later I got an email from a young man. He said he was born on the same day, year, and in the same city. That is the day I got on the roller coaster. It has been a very long and bumpy ride...It took about a month and we finally had proof we were mother and son. I was on cloud nine. I finally found my son after 33 years. We began emailing. This was all so new to both of us. Of course I wanted to meet him, but I didn't want to push him. So I waited and kept waiting. Hoping he would soon be ready. Well, after almost 2 years, I sent an email and told him I would be at a certain place, at a certain time. I asked if he would please come and meet me. So, off I went. We live about 2 hours apart. I was so nervous I could hardly stand it, but on his 35th birthday, he showed up and I met my beautiful baby boy again. Of course he was 35 and 6 ft. tall, not a baby anymore!! We visited for about 2 hours. It was great. I thought now that he has met me and found out I am normal (well I'm not so sure about that) we would be able to get on with getting to know each other. Well, from then until now I feel like my ride has gotten even more bumpy. I have seen him from time to time, but he lets so much time go by inbetween visits, I feel like I should be introducing myself to him all over again. The last time I saw him was almost 18 months ago. He came to my house and met all his bfamily. It went great. He liked everyone and everyone thought he was wonderful. Well, maybe he didn't like them because he hasn't come back or ask to see me. We only email. We don't call each other, I'm not sure what I would say if I did get the nerve to pick up the phone. I do feel blessed that I have met my son and I know he is okay. Should I read between the lines, at least the few lines I do get, that maybe he just doesn't want this. Should I come out and ask him if he wants any kind of relationship with me. I just don't know what to do anymore, so I have been doing nothing. I'm not the type of Mom that bothers him all the time. My heart was broken when I had to give him up for adoption 39 almost 40 years ago now. I lived through that and when he came back into my life I felt like maybe my heart can finally mend. It is breaking all over again and I don't know if it can be repaired. I am so sorry this got so long, and I won't take up anymore of your time. Just wanted some adoptees opinions on what you think I should do if anything.
Thank you again for listening to me.
Hugs,
Lynn

[cnb1099]

Lynn-As the op of this thread I just wanted you to know firstly that all triad members are welcome. I value all opinions.

I may not be the best person to respond as I am just bumping along on this ride myself. What I can say is that I have learned from this that there are no rules to follow, no timeline to consult so it is so hard for me. I am still nonexistant to Js family although I want nothing more than to know them. We live quite a distance apart so travelling is hard but I would love more contact from her but am afraid to push.

I did however sit down and write a letter. Not an email, an old fashioned snail mail letter. I wrote it based on one of the best pieces of advice I received on these threads. I wrote it like it was the only letter I would ever write to her. I layed it all out, how I felt, what my hopes and expectations were. And when I sent it I was scared to death. But in the back of my mind I thought, if I never ask or tell her then how will she ever know? I would rather be true to myself and have her say "no thanks, this is too much" than to live with all the wondering. But that is just my opinion.

I hope that you find the answer that leads you on the path that is best for you. I send you hugs and hope that I see you continue to post here and let us all know how things are for you and your son~