[jenn_e_ritter]

How come whenever I talk about my bmom and her family my parents get so uptight?
Why is it never an open discussion?
As I sit hear, why do I feel so lonely?
Why do I feel betrayed?
Why am I not happy?
Why do I feel like I have a missing piece inside myself?
Why am I never complete?
Why is there no place to turn that adoption can be an open discussion

These are questions I ask myself day after day. Never finding the answered for them. Does anyone else feel this way or am I just crazy?

[Sniffles]

Jenn, have you thought about finding a thearpist to talk to? That might be best, at least you could have someone to talk to about everything. You might also want to look for some adoption support groups in your area.

[DebsW]

Hi Jenn, I understand. I still can't bring up Birth family to amom. She wants no part of it. Thank goodness that my spouse and my brothers are accepting of it all. I have a wonderful birth family. I am so grateful for them - however I think it is very difficult to find a place in the new family while maintaining the afamily. Some days I just don't know where I belong. I feel so lucky one day and then another I am SO confused by it all. And I have to confess, sometimes I wish I had gotten to stay with my bmom from the beginning. I have a lot of guilt over that, I mean a LOT of guilt. I had a different family life growing up - not typical and it was so much work trying every day to fit in and it never worked. I just gave up trying eventually. Very lonely.

I wish I had something to write to make you feel better. But I think that your situation and feelings are shared by a lot of us. Feel free to pm me if you want to. We're here for you.

DebsW

[Lopo805]

Hi. I totally understand your questions and pretty much have the same ones myself! I have only been reunited for a month, but no one ever wants to talk to me about it. So....you are not crazy. I know exactly how you feel.

[nutmeggy13]

Jenn, I feel the same way. My bday was yesterday and everyone wants to celebrate but me. I want to ask the questions. The questions that make everyone uncomfortable. It's nice to have a place like this forums to vent.

[jsg36007]

no your not crazy at all. i often wake up thinking about these same things everyday and still can't make sense of it all. i think many of us adoptees have this issue, like we are throw aways no matter what people may tell us. I had a reunion a few years back thinking it would answer all of my questions and leave me fulfilled, unfortunatley i wholsomely regret my decision to search and re-unite, what a disaster the whole thing was.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by jenn_e_ritter

How come whenever I talk about my bmom and her family my parents get so uptight?
Why is it never an open discussion?
As I sit hear, why do I feel so lonely?
Why do I feel betrayed?
Why am I not happy?
Why do I feel like I have a missing piece inside myself?
Why am I never complete?
Why is there no place to turn that adoption can be an open discussion

These are questions I ask myself day after day. Never finding the answered for them. Does anyone else feel this way or am I just crazy?

I am bmum reunited with bson who found me 8 months ago and we had reunion 1 month after contact. Initially his aparents were fine about the search and supported it, but after a while, I think they got fedup of hearing him go on about it, as i don't think he was considering their feelings. I think at times that children feel that parents should be able to cope with whatever they put our way.

Reading between the lines in our case, I think he was argumentative with them, as for some years he'd not related to them in the slightest. They are unemotional people and my bson had found someone for the first time in his life that he could relate to, emotionally, mentally the whole works - his bmom, me.

I think it is natural he would want to explode with joy on this, and talk about it and share it with the parents he feels loyal to, but I can also imagine the incredible hurt this would cause his parents, particularly his amom.

I read over and over Julie Bailey's and Lynn Giddens book "the adoption reunion survival guide" and I think this should be made compulsory reading, I certainly have picked up an awful lot from it, I wish my bson had read it, but he doesn't seem to show any insight into the triad situation and is upsetting us all at the moment. I don't know whats happend in your situation but I hope my experience helps in some way.

When aparents raise a child but can't make a connection with him and then he finds his bmom and they connect immediately - that has got to hurt.

My son's made a search for his roots to see if there was anyone out there like him. As natural as that is and to be expected, to his aparents, that has got to hurt. When a son you have brought up and loved to the best of your ability for 28 years (in our case) finds his bmom then finds that they are almost identical in every way possible and make that mental and emotional connection within a few short months, when his amom has cared for him and loved him all those years - that has got to hurt.

Please try to get some insight into the fact that as adults and parents we all have different ways of coping or not coping! We are only human and in some things we can't!!!! Emotions are like tsunamis, you never know when the next one is going to come and it sweeps you away, you can't control how you feel.

Reunion is a unique and strange animal in that deepest emotions come to the surface that you never knew existed. That is the same for you, your aparents and your bfamily.

Finding this forum has helped massively and it will help you too. You have asked for help, you have now found it. Alongside the professional counselling I am having (only x1 per month though), this forum is excellent and has saved my sanity over and over again. Please do get hold of a copy of that book I mentioned, even if you have to order it from the library, it REALLY WILL HELP. There is so much in there, and I can't repeat everything that helped me, because there is so much.

Believe me, reunion is a painful process all round, for you (which is why you are feeling lonely and empty) your bfamily and your aparents. Everyone responds differently to the situation and you will find a wealth of responses on this website. Don't expect too much from anyone, including yourself. Try to get as much information, and try not to tell yourself "they shouldn't feel like that" or "I shouldn't feel like that" or this should be handled this way, or they should have.... as soon as we make demands on each other, it makes things very difficult.

Be reassured that you aren't mad, its just a very very very difficult situation, as everyone on this website will testify. Some reunions go better than others, some aparents respond better than others. Be compassionate to everyone involved, yourself included.

My son has been very confused with all the mixed emotions he's going through, he felt like he was tap dancing between me and his aparents. I have made sure that he never feels he has to choose between us and I feel you could do well by reassuring your aparents how much you love them (if you do) and leave it at that for the minute. My, they will be hurting. They may be at crisis point themselves, and yet you need lots of emotional support too whilst you try to cope with all of this, which is quite new?

You haven't given too much detail about your situation or what your relationship is like with your aparents, or how many times you have met your bfamily, whether it was your bmom first, so I haven't got too much to go on, but I hope what I have enclosed here and some pointers will be (with responses from others) the start of the help you need.

Please post more of how you feel and we on this forum will respond to you. Love and ((((hugs )))).