[Lovemends2]

Mirax

My heart goes out to you....I am a reunited adult adoptee, which went good to bad with my bmom. I went through tough times. One thing I learned for myself is to let it go and move on, surround myself with those who love me. I think you should deserve a great healing special time for yourself...a time to recover.

[mirax_]

I haven't posted here much, as I have a young child and not much time for the computer...but now I don't know what to do or how to cope.

Short history - My bmom found me 2 years ago, I was 27. It's a long-distance reunion, but it proceeded pretty fast, and was very intense. For months we'd talk on the phone 5+ hours at a time, and until recently would still speak on the phone 3-4 times a week for a couple of hours at a time. We had our first face to face about 4 months after we first spoke, and have had several since then, spending a week or two at a time at each others house. We had our bumps, but I really thought we had as close to a "perfect" reunion as you could have, I love her very much. We both considered her my Mom, she signed everything to me as "Mom". She constantly told me how much she loved me, how she had never wanted to lose me, but her family had forced her hand, how she couldn't stand being so far away and not being able to see me more often. She even told me she was trying to find a way to move closer to where we are (2700 km away) so we could make up for some of what we had lost the past 28 years.. I have an "ok" relationship with my amom, but not what you'd call close, and the instant bond I felt with my bmom seemed like, well, it just seemed like I had found something I had always been missing. That my life was finally complete, and I finally understood what I had seen between my girlfriends and their moms when I was growing up. My amom had a very hard time with this reunion, possibly sensing how close my bmom and I were. I had to fight very, very hard for her to accept that my bmom was part of my life, and our relationship (amom and I) suffered damage that I don't think can ever be completely repaired.

Now - My daycare provider for my 16 month old son quit on short notice and my bmom offered to fly up here and stay with us for a few months. It seemed to be a good arrangement for both of us, as she wanted to get away for awhile for personal reasons, and we needed someone to care for our son. She flew in on a Sunday, Nov 12. She was supposed to stay until Mid-Feb. Right from the start my husband and I noticed something "off", but just put it down to the travelling and being tired. She was very cold to us, not the same as any other visit, not friendly at all. She spent a lot of time in her room, on the comp or in bed. A stomach bug went though our house on the weekend, and I came home Tues. at noon as I was worried about her, and wanted her to go see a doctor. She went up to lay down. I went up after a bit to check on her, and she was in bed. That's when she told me she was going to go home. She said she was homesick, that she didn't want to be here anymore and just wanted to go home. I think I went into a bit of shock. Her being here for a few months was SOOO important to me, I don't' think I could even explain it. I had so much planned for us, I was looking forward to getting to do "girls-only" shopping days, going to movies, going for walks together. My best friend and I even planned a surprise mother-daughter "spa day" for us (she works at one and is a hair stylist), not to mention spending Christmas together.

Anyways, on Tues afternoon she said she didn't want to be here after all, and was going to go home as soon as we found somebody to take care of our son. She was very cold, and wouldn't talk to me when I tried to tell her how hurt I was. I tried to lighten the mood a bit by saying "well, Mom's gonna have a field day with this one" (we always joked a bit about how my amom was handling the reunion) and then she went totally mad, screaming and swearing, saying "if it wasn't Edited adoptive parents like yours stealing our babies there wouldn't be any adoption" and "why don't you let me Edited deal with her". This is the first time I have ever seen this women yell, let alone curse. My baby boy was asleep upstairs during this expletive filled rant. She then threw on her jacket and took off, returning later that evening. In the middle of the night, she got a call that her husbands father had died. I went to work on Wed and had a near-breakdown, luckily I work with my husband and he as able to get me out of the building when I really started to lose it. I had to take the rest of the week off. From what Bmom was saying, she wanted to get home fast, and I wanted to at least get a couple of days time spent with her. Well, Wed night she went off the wall. She wouldn't look at me, wouldn't talk to me when I told her it was hurting me that she was going, and things got really tense. She was cold and mean to us, saying some pretty awful things. She said out of nowhere that I would have been happy to come home and find her dead on the floor?!?! I'm telling you, it was like a different person in her skin, we were shocked. She started calling every relative she has in the province (and there's a lot, but most 5 hours away) trying to get the number of a cousin who lives near me who she thought would come get her. When she didn't get anywhere with that, she started saying she was going to hitchhike into the city to get a flight out that night, (I live 30 minutes outside of the city). I can honestly, honestly say that this was NOT a result of an argument of fight between us, it was so weird!!! It was like something just snapped inside of her?!?! Anyways, my husband and to calm her down and talk her into just staying one more night and getting to the airport the next morning. He was going to drive her in before work on Thursday, but I had another breakdown, and he didn't want to leave me home alone with our son, so he packed us all in the van to go. When we dropped her off at the airport, she opened my door to say goodbye and I broke down and asked her to please not go. She turned and walked away.

I don't know how to deal with any of this. Can anyone tell me what would cause this ? I feel like my world has been shattered to bits. I know she didn't set out to hurt me, but it just hurts so much, she wouldn't look me in the eyes, wouldn't talk to me. For two years she preached to me how sorry she was for ever losing me, how she'd give up everything to be able to have another chance at us being together, and then just take off? I've never had any big issues with being adopted, but now I feel like I've been dumped off twice by my own mother. I know that I can never have a relationship with her now, it just hurts too much. I can't expose my son to having her do this to him down the road. If she wanted to go home, fine. But the way it happened, the things she said, and how fast she went..I just don't understand. And now I'm afraid that nobody in my bfamily will want anything to do with me, if I can't face my bmom. I had just been getting to know them, cousins, sister, aunts. How do I keep a realtionship with them? My bAunt called here for her yesterday (the day bmom flew out) and was a little upset to find that we took her to the airport and dropped her off there, but what else could we have done? She would have hitchhiked if we didn't, and god knows what would have happened then. I can't face bmom, but I don't know how to face life without her...Is there anyone here who's "great" reunion went bad who has any advice?

Thanks for letting me vent. Please excuse any typos, I haven't slept in days. And sorry it was so long, but once you start...

[kune]

I only have a few minutes, but I have read your post and want you to know this is not about you. This is about your bmom and her personal reality. Remember she was running away from a personal problem and I suspect something was amiss before she arrived - something that has triggered this weird behaviour.
Reunion is all about trust and she was way off the mark in her words and actions. As a birthmother in reunion with my 36 yr old son, I can assure you this is not normal. It's hurtful and demeaning. Chin up mirax - Don't let it bring you down.
((Hugs))
Ann

[purplewyo1]

Mirax,
Hugs to you. Oh, my! I have to agree, I can only look at what you've shared and say, please, hon, try to see that this is *not* you, don't put any guilt on yourself for what's happened here. Your BMom obviously has had something happen that triggered her behavior, and she is responsible for her own words and behavior, not you. And, you may never get an answer as to why, but it is pretty definite that you cannot point to yourself in any way and find that answer. I'm so sorry, I hope you can get some rest and some healing from this.

Also, as to your thoughts about having any further contact with other birth family members... have they been receptive to communicating with you thus far? Have you been able to explain to any of them what you shared with us here? Hopefully they will be willing to listen to you without automatically taking sides with BMom if she shares with them and makes it seem like you were at fault in any way for her poor behavior. I would say that if you have established any contact with them so far and they are not turning away from you, you have a right to still have a relationship with them, even if BMom decides not to change her behavior or attitude.

I hope and pray that you will get some answers and some peace for all the suffering... big gentle hugs and lots of chocolate ice cream to you.

Hang in there, its gotta get better..... And on that thought, if this helps you, please try to find your strength in this, look at yourself in the mirror and see the beautiful, strong, capable, intelligent, loving woman that you are now. You are not the helpless infant/child anymore, even though BMom has reverted to some of the behavior and junk she stuffed down all those years, you don't have to own any of it. Despite the pain you are feeling, chin up, and remember that there is a whole group of ppl here who can begin to understand a little having been there as adult adoptees too. We're in your corner, and you just keep on drawing strength from the fact that you are not alone in this. God bless you,

PurpleWyo

[purplewyo1]

Mirax,
On further thought, from what you shared that she said, your BMom seems to be struggling big time with guilt, along with poorly developed self-esteem along with a tendency to run from her personal issues.

Again, I hope that you do not take any of this onto yourself, this is all her.

In my humble opinion, you get mega-points for reaching out to her with all the love you have to give. It is very very unfortunate that your BMom is somehow not able to receive from you. You have done nothing wrong, sounds to me like you have done everything in your power to reach out with love. You gave your best, and you cannot be responsible for her inability to receive and reciprocate lovingly graciously and appropriately (as in, her choice to be an adult in her behavior, words, and attitudes).

If it were me in your shoes, I would treat it as I have treated my other relationships where others have chosen to behave poorly toward me, even offend me or hurt me badly. I forgive them, and whether I get the chance to tell them so, I refuse said person any more power to paralyze my life with regret or remorse. This is your BMom, I do understand that, and it may take you awhile, no doubt, because *wow* her behavior was unutterably poor. I hope very much that you can avoid letting her have any more negative power over your life by dwelling on what happened. Again, she's got a mountain of guilt to deal with, you just happen to be a reminder of all those things she has run away from and/or buried all these years.

Hang in there girl.
PurpleWyo

[kune]

mirax
Rethinking your post about your bmom's behaviour I think you need to know why she acted like she did. You deserve an explanation. If I was in your shoes, I would write/email her and ask her what was wrong, what prompted her urgent need to flee, and her verbal outburst. To ignore it is almost acceptance, but to actually ask for an explanation tells her that you are still hurt by it all but looking for a reason and giving her the opportunity to front up and tell you truthfully what was going on.

I don't for one minute think it was something you said or did but unless you find out the actual trigger or event that started it, you are left to guess. It's that not knowing that confounds.

Good post purplewyo1 - Well said!! I agree with all you say except....as above, it is impossible not "to dwell" on it unless you know the reason why.

Regards
Ann

[mirax_]

Kune and Purplewyo - Thanks for your responses, it gave me some things to think about.

Purplewyo - Although my reunion with my bmom went really, really fast, it was the exact opposite with others in the family. I took it very slow. I've met my bsis (23), a couple of times, but we don't really talk or email each other. That's been really, really disappointing for me, since my adoptive siblings are all brothers, but I've been dealing with it. At first it hurt a lot, and still does a bit, but I accept there is nothing I can do. When we are around each other in person, we get along great, and even spent a whole night up chatting until 6am the last time I visited, but there's never any phone calls or anything. I really don't like the thought of losing contact with her completely, but she still lives at home with bmom, so I'm not sure how to keep any contact without it getting uncomfortable. I have two cousins (bmoms sisters kids) who lost their mom years ago, and almost consider my bmom a mother. One of them, C, lives next door to Bmom. I met them on my last trip up, and they are the most wonderful people. I have been in semi-regular email contact with C. As for my BAunt, she seemed thrilled about this reunion, drove up 5 hours to meet me, and I think would have stolen my son if she could have LOL. But she is now very, very worried about bmom, and I don't know what she's been told. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm now scared silly to contact any of them, because I don't know what's been said, and all the relationships were fairly new. I don't think I could take having any of them turn me away at this point, it'd just be too much.

Kune - I agree with your last point about needing to know a reason. I know she had issues with adoption, I believe a lot of it stemmed from the company she kept. When she first went "online", she joined a Canadian email group of bmoms that are very, very extreme in their views, very hateful towards adoptive parents and the system as a whole. Very unhealthy in my opinion. She told me she had left the group, but I still wonder how reading a lot of this stuff, and being surrounded by the negativity affected her views?

I can't for the life of me understand what prompted this about face though. I think that's the thing driving me nuts. They way she acted this trip was SOOOO off for her. She is normally a very loving, emotional person. She always wants to hug or cuddle, and never had a bad word to say about anybody. But the last couple of days she was here, there was this look in her eyes when she looked at me, I almost think it was a hatred. She was so mad, so angry. If I did do something, even if I can't make up for it I at least want to know what it was. I mean, something HAD to have happened, it was just to big a change in her for nothing to have caused it. It's driving me crazy not knowing, but I just can't email her to ask. I know I can never trust her again, I know it sounds awful, but it's just the truth. I don't trust easy, and it took a lot for me to be able to open up and trust her, but she finally convinced me to. I thought we'd just be distant friends, but there was this instant connection, and I tried to deny it but she just kept telling me how much she loved me and that I was her daughter and nothing could change that. Over the past year I've really come to see and accept her as my mom. Not my only Mom, I could never take that away from amom, but as another mom, just as important to me. And this reunion was the most important thing to me in my life, next to my son. It's like, the worst fear I had in opening up and accepting her and loving her was that she'd change her mind and not want us in her life, and it feels like that's exactly what has happened. That she's just changed her mind. I'm just too scared to email her and find out that is really what has happened.

Do you think it's better to just find that out, to know for sure, and then deal with it? Or never know the reason, and hope it was something else?

[lonni]

Maybe it is post traumatic stress disorder that some mothers have mentioned they have been diagnosed with.
It usually has a triggering event that no one else seems to notice.
I guess it totally consumes and overwhelms them.

[mirax_]

Lonni - Very good point. I have no doubt at all that she suffers from PTSD. I've asked her a few times to go and talk to a therapist, however she has not.

The only reason that I didn't relate this to PTSD is because it is so different than how she has dealt with things in the past. Like me, she is a talker, and has always seemed to need to hash every little thing out. We've spent hours upon hours discussing our feelings, positive and negative, about our separation. She has always seemed to deal with her emotions by facing them head on, not running.

I wonder if a part of PTSD is a sudden change in how you deal with issues? Does anyone have any experience with this?

[lonni]

From what I have witnessed of mothers with this online,
"triggering event" is a good descriptive word for it.
Like pulling the trigger of a gun and a bullet of conflicting emotions shoot out and sometimes destroy the target.(or unintended target;~(

[InBlindFaith]

Originally Posted by mirax_

I guess what it comes down to is that I'm now scared silly to contact any of them, because I don't know what's been said, and all the relationships were fairly new. I don't think I could take having any of them turn me away at this point, it'd just be too much.

Send them a Christmas Card. That way you are letting them know you still think of them. It couldn't hurt...maybe one of them will pick up the phone.

[mirax_]

Originally Posted by InBlindFaith

Send them a Christmas Card. That way you are letting them know you still think of them. It couldn't hurt...maybe one of them will pick up the phone.

I like that idea, a lot! I will definitely do it for my aunt and cousins. What about bsis (she still lives at home with bmom)...do you think it'd hurt bmom if she sees that I sent just my sis a card? I really don't want to hurt her in any way. Maybe she'd be happy that I'm still trying to keep in contact with bsis though.

Thanks for all the ideas everyone...it's helped a lot.

[InBlindFaith]

I would send one to the sister too. As for the birthmom, pick out a special card and just sign your name.

Think of this way, you are leaving the door open. Your birthmom needs to work through her issues, she will probably appreciate you not shutting the door on her completely. Hopefully she can work through everything and realize what a wonderful job your a-parents did in raising such a thoughtful, loving, caring woman.

((((HUGS))))

[kune]

mirax
I like the idea of the Christmas Card but I would ask what happened. I'd need to know!!!! Now that's my personal view only.

Many times in my own reunion, I have been reluctant to ask the question if I feel it would be difficult to answer. We (bson and I) spoke about how hard it is to sometimes think about something - need some question answered - and then leave it unasked if we think there is any fear that the other would take it the wrong way or feel they are being interrogated. We both agreed that nothing was going to be gained by NOT ASKING - and if it was personal, or we didn't want to answer - to say just that...."I can't answer that at the moment". You can't spend years walking on egg-shells being careful of assumed hurt.

The trust part. I agree it's difficult to proceed without trust. But it's not irretrievable, surely. This is one incident that could have/might have/maybe is the result of something outside your combined relationship. To me, the way forward is to find out the why......see if there is enough left of the relationship to restart the process, and move towards reconciliation with an open heart and a little bit more aware of the "potholes" that may occur along the way. Noone is perfect....we all make mistakes....but if you can open up the communication lines to work through her pain and your hurt, I think there could be much for you to gain (certainly it will make your relationship with half sister easier and probably a little more secure). It's possible she was afraid that this sort of behaviour would happen.

I can only imagine how hard this is for you. And how much thought you have put into the why questions. Spend lots of time with those that love you - ask their advice and be kind to yourself. I reiterate - this is your birthmom's problem - and you were the closest target at the time. Sometimes it's easier to hurt those you love because they will still be around after the anger has dissipated. (Testing that theory perhaps??)
If I was in your bmoms shoes I imagine she would probably be very very sorry that she dumped this on you. She will (or should be) ashamed and mortified with her behaviour. I doubt whether she will take that 1st step to apologise, as she is probably telling herself that you don't want any more contact. Again....All assumptions on my part and if you need to know why, you will have to ask her for an explanation.

Not easy I know.

Thinking of you
Ann

[sal]

I'm not sure I have any wise advice to impart here... but the one thought that crossed my mind is that, perhaps, there IS a psychological reason.. PTSD or something different... that led to her behavior. I know it isn't easy but I'd continue to reinforce the fact that it ISN'T about you...it's her demons for her to deal with. I'm a reunited adoptee for 5 years so far and can say that I REALLY felt responsible for things in the beginning that weren't mine to own... something that has been a recurrent theme in my life. I have to keep reminding myself of that so I don't pull myself into the anxiety spiral that is so easy for me to do..I think a Christmas card to your new brelatives would be the way to go... I can understand your anxiety about the whole situation...but I think that it might be a good way to keep the door open. I agree with kune that seeing about "why" would be something that you are deserving of having... and perhaps you could phrase that by asking how she's feeling now... that you had been worried about her since she left... that might open that door a bit so you could get some understanding. She may be frozen with embarassment and regret that she can't move forward from. I wish you well in all of this. I think that nurturing the new relationships that you can right now might be a good way to keep your reunion moving in a positive light.. Good luck in all of this... sal