[nccmama]

My mother is searching for my brother who was relinquished in 1969 through Catholic Charities. After contacting CC, she was told that we had a "match" because he had previously contacted the charity sometime in the past, they didn't say when. The social worker assigned to the case said that the next step is for my mother to write a letter to him with non-identifying information. This has really stressed my mom out, as you can imagine! So, in order to help her, I thought that I'd ask around here for advice on what to say.

I know that only she can write the letter, and that it needs to come from her heart. But she is feeling such pressure that it is almost overwhelming her. She doesn't want to lose him again by writing the wrong thing.

So, what do adult adoptees like to hear in a first contact letter? She was instructed to write what ever she wanted, as long as it didn't disclose her identity. That is so broad. Should she give a brief life history? Should she be emotional and apologize for giving him up? Should she tell him how she never ever forgot about him? She doesn't want to scare him off by being too eager, but she also doesn't want to insult him by being too aloof. She ultimately hopes for full reunion. Should she say this in the letter?

Can anyone share their experience with getting a letter from a bmom or tell me what kind of letter they wish that they would have received?

Thanks so much!

[jenn_e_ritter]

I am an adult contactee and I can tell you from my own experience I was terrified. I think it is better to write email/postal mail than not know how to handle your first phone call. I barely talked in my first conversation.

[c3636]

Wow that is so great, it was many years ago when I first heard from my birth mother, but I still remember. I made contact with her and was a teenager and we first talked over the phone after she was contacted by me through the state. Of course back then, what I really wanted to hear from my birth mother is that she cared about me. Your brother was born in 69, so he's a little older than I was but keeping things simple, I appreciated that my birth mother never forgot about me also. Just some thoughts from me, how nice that she is writing and has your support. Blessing to both of you!! Your brother is lucky to have such a sensitive birth family.

Alex

[cnb1099]

My first contact with my bmother was by phone and I truelly think it would have been an easier transition if I had received a letter from her first. But either way I was thrilled and scared to hear from her all at once.

She really just needs to speak from her heart. I know there are a lot of boundaries that need to be established but I would was elated to hear that she never forgot about me, the reason why I was relinquished, medical information. I also think it is important to let him know that she is open to whatever relationship that he is willing to give. Let that be his decision and that way he may not feel pressure or guilt about his adopted family relationship.

I wish you both the very best and you will find wonderful sopport, guidance and information here. Welcome!

[whitsunday15]

Hi! My mom's first letter to me was so fantastic. I wrote to her first, but what she wrote back blew me away.
My advice for your mom is to write a little bit of the story surrounding his birth and relinquishment--for me, I know that I was very interested in hearing the story of my birth and then why I was relinquished. She wrote about how she felt about it over the years. She also wrote about her likes and dislikes and told me a little bit about my dad, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. She wrote about what she had been up to as well.
My mom poured her heart out--not in an over the top way--but she told me everything that she had always wanted to tell me, and her letter was 11 pages hand written.
The best advice I ever received before writing my first letter was "Write a letter like this is the only time you will ever get to talk to your mom".

[nccmama]

Wow, I never thought about writing the letter like it was the only time that she'll ever get to talk to him. That's great advice! My mom was actually kind of leaning in the other direction. She is so hoping to be able to meet him, that she is hesitant to say too much in her letter because she doesn't want him to just be satisfied with getting the medical history and leave it at that. Does that make sense? But maybe that is not the best way to go. I wonder if the letter going to a male or female makes a difference. I know that, being half adopted myself, I would love a letter from my bdad, and the longer the better. But guys can sometimes be more practical and to the point, and usually don't initiate searches. Any thoughts on this?

[sparringlady]

I was born in 65 and also adopted through CC in Michigan. I initiated the contact with my bmom so I wrote first. In fact I believe the next contact was by phone and then almost immediately we met in person. For me as an adult a letter might be nice to get but I wanted to talk to her and hear it all from her. So, I would make the contact letter come from your heart and include whatever you feel you need to. When you start to write it you will know if its right and you will know excatly what to say. I did! It just sorta will flow. Be honest and be open and be ready to field a lot of hard questions that he will have for you. My advice-just be honest, he is looking for the truth. GOod luck!

[nccmama]

Thank you all so much! I read the replies to my mom over the phone, and she wants to thank everyone for your kind words and warm thoughts. There was a lot of great advice, and I think that she feels more secure in writing. She still hasn't started to write the letter yet, so if anyone has more to add, please let us know. She said that this is one of the hardest things that she has ever had to do. Thanks!

[InionGrinn]

Hi! I started a similar thread a little while ago wanting to know what birthmoms wanted to hear in a letter!

The advice I mostly got was to be honest, to write from the heart rather than a place where you're stuck figuring out what the other person wants to hear.

I got a notebook - one of those marble composition ones- and started to write. I filled up about half of it with draft letters.

I eventually came up with the letter. It did take a few weeks of on and off writing. Sometimes I would just let myself go - write down all that was on my heart, knowing it was my draft and I didn't have to send it. It was actually healing. Suprising and healing.

Suprising when I wrote "I will be devastated if I don't get to see you." and things like that. My emotions really came out and it was helpful and healing.

Of course, my letter didn't say anthing about devastation, lol, but all the dozens of drafts helped me narrow down the things that "kept coming up" that I had to put in the final copy.

Good luck!

[kune]

You know......I would have been happy with anything that was written.........just to receive the letter and know that there is a chance that I (the birthmother) was going to learn a little about my child. That he was alive, well, and happy were the important words I was looking for. That he has a family that nurtured him and kept him safe and loved stilled the fears I had. And to have him want to know me, meet me, and hopefully form a relationship was the icing on the cake.

From the heart is good. Be honest is good too. To receive a letter is fantastic.

Ann