[Sniffles]

As everyone knows November is Adoption Awareness month and I want to know what are the top three things that you would want others to know about adoption from your perspective as an adoptee.

Please remember that we want to help inform people in a postive way. Even if you have had a negative adoption experience you can still help others learn in a positive way.

[cnb1099]

The 3 things I would want others to know:

1. Not every birthmother relinquishes a child because they were drug addicts or unfit parents. There are so many reasons behind the why, not all positive but not all negative. Never assume.

2. Adoption does not define who I am as a person. I am who I am today because of the choices that I have made for myself and for the parents that I had that passed on to me their morals and virtues. I am a product of both nature AND nurture.

3. My parents ARE my real parents. My birthmother, whom I love and respect, gave birth to me and loved me enough to want and hope for more for me. My parents gave me my childhood and my adolesence and wanted me to become an independant adult, and I love and respect them. Relinquishment made J no less of my mother and different genetics made me no less my aparents child.

[healingfeeling]

top 3 things i would like people to know from my adoption experience:

1. i want adoptees to feel comfortable asking their a-parents questions and feeling confident to know they have the right to answers.

2. reunion is magical but also very painful.....if you can prevent a "reunion" by having openness in your adoption your child will not have to wonder and will hopefully respect that you respected his/her heritage and roots.

3. it was important for me to make this journey.....you will grow (undoubtedly) from being true to yourself and moving forward with what you want...be it reunion, relationships, name changes, or just your original bc. if you explore your feelings on your adoption you will no doubt learn about yourself and your deepest needs.

[WhoKnew]

Thank you all so much for your touching and well-worded perspectives. I am an adoptive mom. We adopted our daughter at four years old. Although we can't have contact with her bio parents due to safety issues, we do have contact with her bio sibs. I try and tell her as much as I know about her birth parents (in an age appropriate and non-judgemental way). Your advice helps confirm that I am doing the right thing.

[Ms.Leo]

A: Just because I am adopted does not make me some sort of childhood criminal.

B: Just because I was adopted doesn't mean that I will be any less of a parent.

C: Adoptees deserve the right to some form of reunion if nothing more than to know their roots and history and health background.
- Non adoptees have the privilage of knowing their heritage, and their biological background (medical) so why don't adoptees deserve the same rights and privilages.

D: Adoptees don't hate their bio family for giving them up, most us realize there may have been a perfectly good reason for it and are thankful to our bio parents for trying to give us the opportunity to have a loving family and stable environment to grow up in.

[InionGrinn]

1. Just because I am searching for birthfamily doesn't mean I had a bad adoptive family. I am NOT looking to replace anyone or invalidate my adoptive parents on any level. Wanting to have this knowledge doesn't make me damaged, ungrateful, selfish, or anger-ridden.

2. Just because I am adopted and had a happy "successful" childhood and adoption experience does not make me the pro-life lobby's poster child. I can be pro-choice and advocate for women's choice without having to get into a philosophical debate about "you wouldn't be here if your bmom had terminated her pregnancy".

3. Just because I am adopted and feel strongly about certain reform issues (e.g. opening records & OBCs for all adoptees) doesn't mean I want to be seen as an 'angree adoptee with an agenda'. Agenda is so negative and loaded and off-putting. I don't want to be seen as anti-adoption just because I think some things need to change. (edited for poor wording here)

[Sniffles]

HeHe I forgot to post my three+ so here they are:

1. My a-parents are my "real" parents.

2. I am not searching for another mommy or daddy. I already have parents who I deeply love and respect.

3. Not all adoptees are angry.

4. Not all adoptees have issues with being adopted and I don't like it when I am told I am in denial about having issues.

5. I do feel strongly that all adoptees should have open access to their records.

[plants]

that you should not have to feel confused about being adopted

[Lynard1210]

It's hard to come up with a top 3 but I chose three to direct to adoptive parents:

1) When adoptees question their heritage and ask questions, please be as honest and open as you can be. Support the adoptee in learning and searching, even though it may tear your heart out to do it. You will forever cement your bond with your a-child.

2) Adoption is not an identity, but one piece of an identity. I see myself as an adoptee, but not any more than i see myself as a human being, wife, mother, adoptive mother, stepmother, legal assistant, etc. Don't make so much of it and then your child won't feel "branded".

3) Tell your adopted child he/she is beautiful, especially those parts that don't look like or act like anyone else in the family. I recall overhearing alot of comparisons in my a-family about who looked like who and felt very left out. One way to remedy that is to comment on how beautiful your adopted child is - not only on the outside - but the special gifts from within you will watch unfold.

[shriveraz]

Great question!
1. Adoption is not an illness...sometimes people look at you like you are ill when they hear you are adopted
2. My parents ARE my parents, they are my mom and dad
3. it's not about not being wanted, it's about being loved enough for someone to give you a chance

-M

[aldes]

A. I don't want to know anything about my bfamily.

B. I ferverently hope they are not searching for me.

C. I so often forget I am adopted that I caught myself giving the doctor my adad's medical history. I wish others would forget it too. It is just not a big deal to me.

D. I've had a very good life. I'm not angry at bp's, ap's nor at the world. See? Happy.

E. For all of the above, I am not in denial and not mentally unbalanced, so stop trying to convince me otherwise.

F. and in spite of all of the above, if ad desires to know her bfam, she will have my blessing & support. So stop trying to convince me that dd will take her "cues" from me & become an emotional wreck.

G. I wish I never told anyone because these conversations/debates happen way too often. Please mind your own business.

[kai555]

Here are some of mine:

1. Not all parents gave up their children because they loved them, but because they had to. Not all parents gave up because of teen pregnancy (which everyone seems to assume), so don't try to guess the reasons for adoption.

2. Most adopted parents do feel that their adopted children are their own and somtimes forget that they aren't related (my mom has tried to tell the doctor her family history).

3. The reasons for searching for bparents isn't always to replace adoptive parents (ex. find answers, siblings, etc.).