[snoopie1424]

I am the wife of an adoptee who has been in reunion for almost 3 years. I was just wondering about how other spouses of adoptees have handled this. I've not really found that many to talk to, so I set up a blog for spouses of adoptees. Feel free to check it out.

Sue

Where Do We Fit In The Picture?

[Velisa]

I am the wife of an adoptee, but we are searching.

I can tell you that the fact that my husband was adopted did not matter to me, he is a wonderful person. We did not think about it... until we had kids. But still was his decision to search, so he had waited all this time and finally last year he said "let's try to find them"... but we started this year.
Yeah! there are some things that I know are hard for him to admit or talk about, and some feelings that he had kept all his life.
We can talk about that latter.

[loveajax]

Snoopie, I was so glad to see this.

I am married to an adult adoptee and we are also adoptive parents. DH is sort of "passively" looking for his birth family, but he has some good leads, and I expect he will find them (if he wants to) fairly soon.

It is v. strange...I have gone from "begging" him to find his birth family to currently feeling a little ambivalent about it (like our life is so complicated as it is, kwim?). I have decided to just let him do what he thinks is best and to be totally supportive. The hard thing is that these are all his "calls," but they will affect our family...

Do you have children? How did DH's family react to reunion with birth family?

[Birth4Mom3]

I'm the wife of a reunited adoptee who had a challenging and now cut-off reunion... and to add to the mix, I'm a birthmother and he's a birthfather.

Off to check out your blog...

[snoopie1424]

Wow! There really are more of us out there.

Velisa, good luck with the search. My husband never wanted to search either until he got older. He was 36 when we started searching.

loveajax, I know exactly what you mean. It will affect your whole family when you find them. It is very overwhelming, but it has been a good thing. Hasn't been all rosey but it has answered a lot of questions for him. We do have 4 children and they have all handled it pretty well. (more people to spoil them now) His family actually has done real well..his amom has met 1 of his brothers and has been very supportive. Sometimes it's tough trying to make it all work with all the different families, but somehow it all works out.

Birth4mom3, all i can say is WOW! I guess you really know where i'm coming from. Would love to hear more.

[kelceesmom]

I am the wife of an adoptee. My husband had no intentions of finding his bfamily but his twin sister was adament about finding them. He and his sister were adopted together and he did not want a reunion. It happened anyway and he is more angry than ever with his bfamily. Part of his anger is that he has 6 other siblings and his bmom kept all of them. How do you make them realize truely that it was the best thing that happened to them???? All of his bio siblings either have drug or alcohol problems which is another saga. For me it really hits home how some things are genetic to. He and his sister have lots of medical problems and so does the rest of his bio family. Hopefully someday he will find peace. I love to hear about the good reunions.

[snoopie1424]

kelceesmom

Thanks for posting. I'm sorry to hear your husband had a bad reunion. I can understand why he would be angry. J also has 6 siblings (3 before him, 3 after) that were all kept. That is sometimes hard to deal with but he knows it WAS for the best. His siblings were never told about him, so they were mad about all the years they missed.

The reunion has been both good and bad, but the main thing is now he has the answers he didn't have before.

[loveajax]

Ironically, DH received in the mail a two page "summary" from Catholic Charities yesterday re: his adoption. He found out that his birth mom was a single mom to three kids whose husband left her...apparently at the time she was pg and gave up DH's older half sis for adoption. The sw said that she wrote a really loving letter to this DD for the file...Poor DH didn't get one!!!

Thru some supersleuthing on DH's part, he was able to figure out his birth name. We are unsure however if the last name is the mom's (married) name or birth dad's name....what do you think?

He seemed sort of saddened last night...I really am feeling for him.....Sometimes I wish we didn't start the whole process (I know I am selfish for saying that)...I just hope it is the best thing.

[kelceesmom]

lovejax I don't think you are selfish for saying that. It affects all of us whether we were the one adopted or not. It's hard not to let their reactions take a toll on us. We are the sounding boards good or bad. It is human nature to let someone else's mood set our day. Thus we need to learn not to let this happen in our lives. I wish your husband luck in his journey and same to your family.

[loveajax]

Thank you, Denise!

One thing I feel "guilty" about is that I sort of "pushed" him to do this since we have a fairly open relationship with DD's birth parents (and I didn't want her to say, "Dad, why didn't you have contact with yours?," etc.). But I feel like I have opened up this pandora's box of pain....We even argued a little bit last night, b/c he is "sleuthing" on his own and i said, "why not just let CC reach out to birth mom (if she is still alive?")

I know what you mean about health issues....DH is in GREAT shape, eats healthy, exercises (all unlike me!) and his cholesterol is thru the roof...so scary! Anyway, I hope your DH too can find peace!

Thanks for this thread. K

[Sniffles]

Sorry for barging in on this thread, but even though I am an adopte I am also a wife of an adoptee. My husband was lucky, he was born in the early 60's and had an open adoption with his b-mom. Unfortunatly she had no idea of who his b-dad was and he has absolutly no desire to look. He was with one of his half-brother when he found his b-dad and it was a horrible reunion and it pushed his half-brother into a deep depression. I think that is why he has no desire to search.

It also made things really strained between us while I was looking for my b-mom. His main comment to me was "Why can't you leave the past alone?" Well when I found my b-grandparents, we actually sat down and discussed things. Of course I got the "I told you so speech" b/c b-mom wants nothing to do with me, but he is also thrilled about my grandparents. He was so afraid I would end up hurt and depressed that he didn't want me to search.

He is still standing firm about not searching for his b-dad and I support him fully. I have gotten him to agree to let me keep checking on registry site in case someone is looking for him. He doesn't think his b-dad will, but he has a ton of half-brothers and sisters out there that just maybe.

Loveajax, your are not being selfish. What he is going through are some of the emotions that some adoptees go through. Just keep supporting him in any decision he makes. (sorry that's the adoptee in my coming out.)

[loveajax]

Sniffles, that's not a barge at all!!! I think it is pretty wild that I am "touched" by adoption by being married to an adoptee and being an a parent. And you are an adoptee also married to an adoptee!

I am so glad DD's adoption is open. All of this search and reunion stuff seriously makes me sad (not the "reunion" part, but the disappointments, anxiety, etc.). I am sorry about your birth mom, but glad you have established a good relationship with your grandparents. (No one can ever have enough grandparents, right!).

Thanks for your comments...they are v. helpful!

[loveajax]

Well, we have "found" DH's birth mom....I have to say I was a little surprised to "see" her (there was a fuzzy pic of her on the internet)....I was also "surprised" to see that she married v. quickly after placing DH and had another son. The v. strange thing is that this half-brother of DH and DH want to the same high school for some time!!!

I can tell DH is freaked out...Birth mom lives in another state....He knows now that he has five half-siblings (one of whom also was adopted). I am telling him all of his options are open to him (I can't decide yet what I would want him to do!). DH described it like he felt like he was reading a book about someone else's life.....

[kelceesmom]

Wow, that is amazing. It is so hard to know what to do. It can be so overwhelming. Good luck.

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Well, we have "found" DH's birth mom....I have to say I was a little surprised to "see" her (there was a fuzzy pic of her on the internet)....I was also "surprised" to see that she married v. quickly after placing DH and had another son.

Oh wow that is so cool that ya'll found her. I was surprised also to discover that my b-mom married two months after I was born. My half -sister is two years younger than me, so that is not too bad. My grandparents told me that she got married to him b/c in her words, "he is just the nicest guy". He did know about me so that was good IMO.