[Baby Melissa]

Hi-
I would love the opinions of both adoptees and amoms on the email my amom sent me. Here's some background: I am almost 6 months pregnant with my first child, and have been in reunion w/ my birth parents since February. I have gone to visit with them 7 times since we first met, and we have a very stong bond. My aparents live 1 hr. from me, so I see them frequently, and try not to let them feel that I'm going to leave them now that I've found my bparents. My amom can be controllling and has had MAJOR jealousy issues since Feb.. It looked as though things were getting better, but then I get this email as I'm visiting my bdad for the weekend. I've taken out names for anonymity:

"Karen,

I need some clarification from you. What is my role with your baby? Genetically the baby belongs to bmom and bdad. They are the biological grandparents and you obviously want them to feel like grandparents. That leaves me in a strange place. Sometimes, actually most of the time, I feel close to you and close to the baby. I feel like a grandmother and want to be happy and excited. And then I think of you with bmom and bdad and their grandchild and I just don’t know where I stand. I am nothing but maybe a “friend of the family” unless you make me something more.

You hesitated the other night when you were talking about them – you started to say “parents” and then were careful not to hurt me by editing it to “birth parents”. I really don’t have a problem with you and bdad and bmom. I don’t mind you being friends. I am hurt when you refer to them as “my family”. Inside I want to scream “we are your family, you already have a loving family”. I have loved you with my whole heart and soul since they put you in my arms. You will know the feeling very soon and then you will understand.

I expect you are going to be angry and upset by my comments but you need to realize I have feelings too. I may make a slip and upset you like on the phone the other night but it is a two way street. I have feelings also.

Hope you read this with understanding and don’t get too upset.

Love,
mom"

The part that hurt me the most from this email was when she said: " I really don’t have a problem with you and bdad and bmom. I don’t mind you being friends. I am hurt when you refer to them as “my family”. Inside I want to scream “we are your family, you already have a loving family”."

BUT THEY ARE NOT JUST "FRIENDS"!!!!! I want to scream that back to her!!! I'm on my way to my therapist right now (scheduled session, thankfully), but she's no pro on adoption issues.

Please please please help me. My heart is broken. How do I convince my amom that my bparents are my family and not just "friends" without breaking her heart? I need your strength right now. I'm trying not to get too worked up because I don't want it to affect my baby, but I'm very upset.

Amoms: do you accept your children's bparents are their family also? My amom accepts my in-laws as my family; why not the people that gave birth to me?

Any advice or help you can give is greatly appreciated. I need some encouragement right now.
Thanks,
Karen

[healingfeeling]

Karen,

((((hugs))))

I would be very hurt by that email...although at least she sounds like she's trying....

I am VERY familiar with your story so I know how she can be about your bio's....

I've learned a few things from my therapist.....

1. you can't convince your mom of your relationship with your bios.....you can't convince anyone about anything for that matter...

2. how she feels is HER business....whether we like it or not....we can only control how we react and respond to people not the other way around.

3. stand your ground....maintain your integrity.....

i have a touch of (esp) and i find it odd that i woke up this morning to a nightmare of my adad and biodad fighting over my newborn baby saying "no, i'm the grandfather" and pulling at the baby.....

[Poleczech]

Since it has only been a few months since your reunion (and it sounds as if your adoption was a closed one), your amom never had the opportunity to get to know you bioparents and therefore treat them as family. She is probably feeling insecure and doesn't know how to handle that feeling. I do have to give her credit for telling you how she feels though and asking you how you feel, as she could very well have lashed out quite a bit more. Communication is key to a good relationship.

That being said, I think you should tell your amom that you still love her and she is still mom, but you also love your bioparents, and that to you, they are just as much family as your in-laws are. That doesn't mean that you are throwing your amom out the door, nor does it mean that your amom is not a grandmother too. Some reassurance from you may be all that she needs.

Best wishes and congratulations on your upcoming delivery!

[intladoptionblog]

Originally Posted by Baby Melissa

Hi-
... I just don’t know where I stand. I am nothing but maybe a “friend of the family” unless you make me something more...
Karen

This seems the salient point. Perhaps a clear defining of roles is what is needed.

[BrandyHagz]

I agree with Sandra here.

She is asking – that’s a HUGE step. Keep in mind she likely sat there and cried through typing the whole thing. Keep in mind this might possibly be the hardest thing she has never had to do – she is in a difficult position and its clear based on what she’s said that she is unsure of her roll in your life, given the reunion you’ve recently, experienced, and that is common.

I don’t know anything about your relationship or what kind of relationship you have or hope to have, but I wanted to ask you a question. Do you WANT to have a mother/daughter relationship with both of your moms?

The reality of the situation is that you have two moms and two dads. This isn’t the end of the world for either of them and both sets should be respectful and supportive of your relationship with each side.

Your amom has taken a big step and told you she needs to know where she stands. Take a big step yourself and let her know the answer. If your hope is to have a mom and daughter relationship with both moms, tell her. In our day and age, children often have a number of grandparents/parents due to step parent relationships and whatnot – it can work – it just make take a bit more work

How great that she felt comfortable enough to email you and talk to you about it! What a wonderful first step for your relationship!

[Baby Melissa]

Thanks everyone for your reply. Here is the email I sent her back:
"Hi Mom,
Why would you think you are not a grandparent to this child? You said that you would be "a friend of the family" unless I make you something more. How would you like me to show you that you are something more? I know you are a grandmother, so how do I convince you that you are a grandmother? I think therapy would help you with these feelings of insecurity. You have no reason to feel insecure. Yes, I do refer to bdad & bmom as my family because I am genetically related to them, but you are also my family because you are my PARENTS and you raised me. Those are TWO DISTINCT rolls that cannot be interchanged. I love you and dad very much, and I feel that there's nothing I can do to prove to you that I'm not a different person now that I know my birth parents.
My therapist has told me over and over that I'm handling this the best way I can, and these feelings that you have are only something you can fix with therapy. I'm sorry if I upset you. You can't deny that bdad and bmom are my birth "parents" and you and dad are my adoptive "parents". Please remember, that I didn't volunteer for this role as adoptee, and it is normal for me to want to know where I come from. I'm not trying to hurt you or anyone, and I'm trying to deal with this the best way I can.
I will always feel that you are my children's grandmother, so you have to now convince yourself that you deserve that role. You already have my husband & I convinced.
I'm sorry you're upset. You're not making this easy for me at all.
Love,
Karen"

Here is her response:
"Ok that’s all I needed. I was surprised to hear from you so soon. Now you made me smudge my mascara – I’m ready to go to the party but dad isn’t home yet. Most of the time things are good- Like when we were talking on the porch the other night. Every now and then I get a little insecure. It just needs time. I know you are doing the best you can.

Thanks for the kind, loving, reassuring words, now go and have a good time. Tell bdad I said Happy Birthday and tell bmom I was pleased with the “congratulations on becoming grandparents card”.

Love,
mom"

Healing: thank you very much for your words of encouragement. I need to remind myself daily that I can only control my actions, not hers. Thanks

Poleczech: I'm hoping my email to her helped, and on my way back from my visit with my bfamily I called her so I could stop by her house so we could discuss this but she insisted that she was ok and feeling much better. Yes, this was a closed adoption, so I think you're right that she hasn't had the TIME to think of them as "family". Thanks for the insight.

BrandyHagz: Yes, I would like to have a mother/daughter relationship with both my moms, however I feel that my relationship with my bmom will always be quite different from my amom because I'm 30 and I don't need the "parenting" that one needs when you're growing up, however I do want the "parents"... if that makes sense. I think my relationship with my bparents will always be "lighter" than with my aparents because we don't have that history that involved me being punished for staying out too late, or regular parent/child conflicts that are normal and healthy. However, I do love both my amom and bmom equally, just differently. Like asking who do you love more, your mom or your dad. You (usually) love them the same, just differently. That's how I feel with my aparents and bparents.

QUESTION: How do you suggest I "encourage" my amom that therapy would be beneficial to her? It is so hurtful for her to ask me these types of questions (although her emails have thankfully excluded a lot of four-letter words which she liberally used early on in my reunion, so that's progress, right??), and my therapist doesn't think she should be coming to me with these insecurities. She believes my amom can only find this security within herself. Time, a lot of time, I guess?

[whitsunday15]

Originally Posted by Baby Melissa

QUESTION: How do you suggest I "encourage" my amom that therapy would be beneficial to her? It is so hurtful for her to ask me these types of questions (although her emails have thankfully excluded a lot of four-letter words which she liberally used early on in my reunion, so that's progress, right??), and my therapist doesn't think she should be coming to me with these insecurities. She believes my amom can only find this security within herself. Time, a lot of time, I guess?

I think that all you can do is tell her how much therapy has helped you, and maybe she'll decide for herself that she needs it. Telling someone they need to see a therapist is kind of a touchy subject. It can be misconstrued.
I think your therapist is right, in that, your mom should not be coming to you with insecurities. That is a quick way to ruin a relationship with you.
Definitely, time is big. It was good that you were honest with her (I hope you were 100% honest at least).

[silk]

Wow!

I think your amum is pretty cool actually. And the relationship you two have is enviable. To be able to share with eachother your most heartfelt feelings and emotions and the insecurities too, and to have the other take them with the sensitivity and respect they deserve, when their own emotions are so very raw is awesome.
I wish my reunion hadnt been so lonely.I would rather have had arguements and tears anytime, rather than the cold shoulder. Beleive me its not much fun doing it on your own.

Luck to you all.

[katlyn]

I know that I am not an amom or an adoptee, so I cannot offer advice in that area, but I like to look at all different threads. I hope I don't step on any toes, in posting. I want to first congradulate you on your soon to be new addition to your family. I also wanted to say that as a birthmother I try to learn from all sides, so that I am better prepared for the time when I may be able to interact with my bdaughters parents. I think that your response to your mothers email was very well thought out and very well said. Maybe when the baby gets here and is calling her grandma(or whatever she prefers ) for the first time...that might ease her "insecurities". When I saw that your bmom sent your amom a Grandparent card, that was too sweet....see I would have never thought to do something like that. I hope that for the sake of the remainder of your pregnancy and for the sake of your sanity...things smooth out soon! Wishing you all the best with the new baby!

[Jan18]

My only advice is to keep suggesting therapy and tell her how much it has helped you. I know therapy was a major factor in keeping me from going insane when I first found my b-parents. Just yesterday, I suggested that my dad go. It was surronding another issue, but I don't think he will listen. You can just lovingly suggest it. I am sure it is exhausting to have to reassure your mother all the time. My mom doesn't seem to have a problem with my b-aunt, b-uncle or b-cousins that I have developed a close relationship with. I think it sends chills up her spine when I talk about "my sisters" and my b-mom. But, I learned to tell my parents what they need to know, and leave the rest alone.

Keep your chin up! This too will pass!

[LizzieM]

karen,

i think your situation might be similar to mine. my amom thus far has not been jealous at all, but that has been very surprising to me.

but i know exactly how you feel. i, for the most part, have a very good relationship with my afamily. i love them very much and feel like i have had a very good life. but at the same time, i feel very connected to my bmom and always have. i just recently reunited (within the past month) and it almost feels like i just found my "real" (for lack of a better term) family.

everyone on my bmom's side of the family is so excited that i found them and it is almost like they were waiting for me to come home, so i feel very close to them and i do feel like they are my family, but that doesn't mean that i don't feel that way anymore about my afamily.

anyway. i want to have a mother/daughter relationship with both of my moms. i call my bmom mom, and have discussed this with my amom. she is fine with it for now, but i can sense that it will be a problem later.

but, this is what i have been explaining to everyone, and i hope this might help. it is okay to have two families. it is possible to have two mothers and love them both equally. one of my moms could never take the other's place and i don't have to choose. i can have them both.

this has seemed to work a little for me. i always compare it to step parents. i had a friend in high school who was just as close to her step mother as her real mother. she called both of them mom. i dont think this situation is much different, but it seems to make more sense to everyone i talk to. i think since divorce is more prevalent, this seems more socially acceptable.

in the end, i think that you should do what is best for you, and it seems that you are doing that.

now i feel like i am rambling, but hopefully some of this helps.

[Baby Melissa]

I agree with you Lizzie; My amom accepts my in-laws as my family. And I feel like my relationship w/ my bparents is very much like a step-family situation. But my amom doesn't understand this for several reasons. She only has 1 child (me) and she's not the type of person that believes that there's enough love to go around. She doesn't have many friends, and the ones she does she keeps CLOSE. She honestly doesn't understand how people can have so many kids and still love them (she's said this!). I think this stems from her being raised the oldest of 4, and feeling more like the other mother, rather than a daughter.

I spoke with my adad yesterday. If you look up "logical" in the dictionary, I'm pretty sure you'll see a picture of him. He's so level-headed with all this, and always been 100% supportive of my need to know my birth parents. I told him what amom was doing and he said "it's horse-feathers". He said that the next time she "pulls this" to either send the email directly to him (without responding) or call him and he'll deal with it. They're still married (and have a good relationship) but she doesn't talk to him about these feelings! She just unleashes on me! He said he'd tell her to stop her "pity party" and that everything would be alright. I asked him if he thought of my bparents as my family and he said "ABSOLUTELY!". So that made me feel sooooo much better. I'm so thankful to have his support. He said "eventually, she'll feel the same way I do about this and all will be well. In the meantime, tell me when she pulls this and I'll help her out. She shouldn't be coming to you with these insecurities." Exactly what I was looking for.
Good ol' dad!!

[healingfeeling]

Karen,

your dad sounds awesome!!! can he call my mom too?

lol

[Baby Melissa]

Originally Posted by healingfeeling

Karen,

your dad sounds awesome!!! can he call my mom too?

lol

SURE!!!!!! He'll have her convinced she's being silly in no time!!!