[jenn_e_ritter]

I have not heard from my bmom in five days. I know that she has her own life and everything. But did I press the wrong button by saying I miss her? Was it something I shouldn't have done? Loosing her once was bad wnough. I couldn't go through with loosing her again.

[Emily358]

I completely understand how you feel. Even after several years, I still get jumpy at times about losing bdad.

Chances are you said nothing wrong at all! She's probably just busy, like you said.

The way you feel, however, is completely normal. I think the tendency to fear losing a bparent fades with time, but it never completely goes away.

Like I said, I still get that feeling occasionally,even though bdad and I have had several wonderful "We're together for good" discussions.

I find at times like this that it helps to journal and/or write a letter (which you do not send) to the person. The hold on to the letter and have a good laugh when the person calls and everything is fine, at which point you rip the letter up.

[InBlindFaith]

Is this your first attempt at contact? Maybe it's taking time to soak in.

[jenn_e_ritter]

I am just fearing of being rejected again. I can't talk about this subject with my aparents because it is like they don't understand what I am going through. Doing this is a very lonely path. In the end I hope it is worth it.

I will definitely do the letter thing. Thank you all so much for your help.

[xshadowx]

I feel for you, I really do. I have also had this fear many times as I have had long parts of my reunion where there was no communication, where I had said the wrong thing (didn't know at the time).
Depending on your relationship saying I miss you and I love you (in my relationship) made feelings for her come to the surface, in time she came round but I know that 5 days feels like years when waiting to hear some news!
Life is so busy for all of us that thats the most logical reason!
I hope you hear soon!
Guy

[carolynppk]

Dear Jenn,

I have a really good relationship with my bmom. We have been in reunion for almost a year and a half, but still, I do get nervous when I haven't heard from her in a while.

I have gotten to the place where I can now stop and think my way through it. She is busy, she works, she has a lot going on. I know there are weeks when I think of her non-stop and I want to write, but everytime I go to sit down to write, something tears me away from the computer.

I am sure there are times when she is quiet because she is reflective of something that hasn't been easy. I had a wonderful adoption and have no feelings of loss or not belonging, so I have a very different outlook about going into reunion than what it had been for her. She was 15 when she got pregnant, 16 when she had me. SHe moved away from her family and never went back to live, only to visit. SO, yeah, I am sure sometimes she may be quiet becasue there is a lot to digest and reflect back on, but the majority of the time, probably like 99% of the time, she is just busy.

I think that even though, for me, she isn't the mother that raised me, she still in her own right is my mother. I want her to like me and be proud of me and love me. It is hard to have that unconditional love for someone when you didn't raise them. I know my mom loves me, good bad and ugly, she has proven herself over and over again, from the terrible twos to the HORRIBLE teens! I know that while she may not like my choice or behaviour, she loves me. SHe's my mom. WIth Diane, I am afraid of what if she sees something she doesn't like, will she still like me, let alone love me?

It takes time. You have to be patient and learn that the relationship you had with your parents were made really over a lifetime. This will develop also, it just takes time. I have to remind myself of this, too. But it really is getting much easier. And lo and behold, when I think I haven't heard from her for a while, the next thing I know I have a e-mail. Again, it takes time to build this relationship. You aren't crazy, I think we can all relate to how you feel, just don't let it take you over and try to think positive and realistically instead of emotionally.

I don't think you said the wrong thing by saying you miss her or even an I love you, but somethings are overwhelming for them to process. My bmom is even more protective of my amom than I am. SHe wants to make sure she doesn't step on her toes in any way. Bmom's have a lot to process and work through, especially if the bmom is one from the closed adoption era where they were told to forget about us and we were never their children, do not get attached, so there is much conflict for them to sort through. Feelings they may have going against everything they were ever told to feel and think.

I hope you hear from her soon and if several more days go by, just drop a quick line saying you are thinking of her and know things are busy but you hope she is doing well. Keep it light. Good luck!!

Carolyn

[Nicole28]

I agree with what everyone else seems to be thinking - hearing "I miss you" is an emotional, overwhelming thing. Be patient & give her time.

Just to be continuously conscious of your birthmother's feelings, maybe be more careful when choosing your words, you know? I totally think you should continue to say just how you're feeling, but if this seemed to have been "too much, too soon" for your birthmother, maybe be a little more discreet when sharing your feelings. This way you can continue to express yourself & your birthmother can really appreciate what you've shared with her because the timing is better.

[jenn_e_ritter]

Thank you Guy and Carolyn. I heard from her last night. She told me that she was sick. That is the reason why she did not have the chance to get back with me. Her husband as well is in the hospital for treatment. I can tell that she has alot on her plate. I will talk to you guys later. Thanks again!

[purplewyo1]

Thanks for all the comments here. I have not posted in awhile. I'm still out here.

That is the cry of my heart, I'm still out here.

Met bmom first time ever Aug 4th.
Have had a few phone calls total from half-sis,
but have been suffering through for weeks now with deafening silence from those two and 3 others that had been at least responding to emails.

And, the child in me hopes I didn't say the wrong thing. Didn't offend, didn't cause hurt, ect. Fear of loss drives all of these feelings, I think.

And, yes, those 2 a.m. arguments, they want to steal my rest and my peace.

Thanks for the advice to write a letter that goes unsent.

I bought some blank notecards that I was going to send one out to each person, keep it light, Hi, I'm thinking of you, hope you're well, God bless. Snail mail, to be sure just in case the email really has had some catastrophic failure. I know, my bmom was planning on getting a new pc soon...

OK, anyhow, thanks for the good advice, it is always a sanity saver for me to read that I am not alone in my internal private thoughts and feelings going through reunion.

Cheers,
God bless.

[thediva320]

Take a deep breath hon. She is probably just busy. She may also be working thru the shock and excitement she feels for reuniting with her. I know it's scarey, but just go day by day. Send her an email maybe or a phone call just to let her know you are thinking about her. That you hope all is well. She will call again, just be patient.