[Nicole28]

Here's a copy of the email I sent my co-worker this morning. I probably should have consulted you all before-hand just in case...so let me know if I did okay.

I brought in a book for you today called Adopted & Loved Forever. I think it will be a good introduction to the topic. You are more than welcome to keep it so that your son has it to reference.

My best suggestion (after consulting several knowledgable people on the adoption forums website over the weekend) is to find some really great adoption literature to share with your son and use the content in the books as a launching pad into an adoption discussion. For example, I remember reading Adopted & Loved Forever with my mom and dad when I was your son's age and then they would ask if I had any questions. Sometimes I am sure that I did, but either way this is a great time to use the events/topics in the story to help your son make a connection. A fellow adoptee on my forum suggested the following book titles - most are kid-appropriate but one of the books is an adult read:

Let's Talk About It: Adoption (Mr. Rogers) by Fred Rogers (Your son may not be familar with Mr. Rogers - in the '80's he was a big hit, haha. Either way, this book is great because it uses simple language and appropriate vocabulary)

Adoption Is for Always by Linda Walvoord Girard (this is a lot like the book I brought in for you)

Twice-Upon-A-Time: Born and Adopted by Eleanora Patterson (I haven't seen this book, but according to the woman who suggested it it's for ages 3-7, roughly, and very kid-friendly)

For you & your wife I strongly suggest Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge. Eldridge is a great writer and this book is indispensable. I've read it and would love to give it to my mom & dad because it aims to forge understanding between adoptive parents and their adopted children. It may help you to understand better the emotions & issues your son will most likely face as he gets into the teenage/young adult years.

Below is a poem called The Legacy of an Adopted Child. I have a framed copy hanging in my bedroom, and I grew up knowing & loving this poem. It may not make much sense to a six year old, but I think it's beautiful and you or your wife may really appreciate it and want to share it with your son.

Once there were two women who never knew each other...
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make your one...
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you haw to live it...
The first gave you a need for the love and the second was there to fill it
One gave you a nationality, and the other gave you a name...
One gave you a seed of talent, and the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, and the other calmed your fears...
One saw your first sweet smile and the other dried your tears.
One gave you up, it's all that she could do...
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me through the fears,
The age old question unanswered throughout the years...
Heredity or environment, Which am I a product of...
Neither my darling, neither...
Just two different kinds of love.

Author Unknown

It's a little heavy, but it's got a beautiful, important message - the idea of celebrating his birthmother and understanding that it's okay to acknowledge her while really feeling special and loved by his adoptive family.

One of the biggest things I think you need to be aware of is using the right language in regards to adoption, especially when speaking with six year old. The words below are words I remember hearing when I was young, and they were also suggested by people on the forums:

chosen
special
loved
fortunate

I asked around on the forums because I wanted some adoption discussion-starters to share with you. Most adoptees didn't remember the actual conversation they had with their adoptive parents when they were little, but all of us agree that the below is a good place to start:

"Do you know what adoption means?" (more than likely the answer will be "no" - this gives you the opportunity to come up with a definition of adoption that fits your situation...so, in my case, adoption meant that my mom and dad wanted a child very much and were lucky enough to be able to choose me to be their child, or something to that effect. You may want to touch on the different kinds of families, i.e. some kids have a mommy and daddy, some kids have a mommy and a step-daddy, some kids have an adopted family - this is the kind of family we have, and this means...)

Tell him the story of his adoption using kid-friendly, simplistic language, i.e. "Your mommy and I really wanted a baby and we knew that you needed a mommy and daddy. It worked out so well! We were meant to be a family, and we feel so lucky that we were chosen to become your mommy and daddy," etc.

You may or may not want to bring up his birthmom & the fact that you know who she is. I would suggest saying something like "Your birthmommy (some adoptive parents on the forums call birthmothers by a different name: first mom, natural mom, tummy mom, whatever works) knew that we needed a child to love and call our own, so she gave you to us because she wanted you to have a wonderful life full of love," or something like that. I would also tell him that "When you are older, if you have questions about your birthmother, you can ask us." He'll remember that! And trust me, he'll have questions eventually.

I don't know the details surrounding his adoption, but since he has siblings you obviously need to factor them into the discussion. If they know he is adopted, then you should have a separate discussion with them - using appropriate language (so they become familar with language that is respectful and sensitive to your adopted son) just sort of clarify what adoption means. If they do not know, then include them in the discussion. Having them there when you are speaking with your son reminds him (and your other kids) that you are all a family.

Let him ask questions - even if you don't have answers! (And you won't have all of the answers!) Just knowing that he is allowed to ask will really benefit him in the long run. The best thing you can do - and I absolutely cannot stress this enough - is forge an honest, open policy regarding his adoption. Secrecy in adoption leads to resentment and confusion in later years. Your son may be young, but he will always remember that you and your wife were honest with him and that will only make him trust & love you both more.

I also think you should putz around the forums & see what's going on - I think you'll be surprised to see how many other families are going through the exact same thing! There's so much support to be found on the forums; if you don't feel like checking us out now then just keep it in mind as an additional resource.

Please keep me updated! I'm more than happy to answer questions you guys might have or whatever you need. I know this is a lot of information - pace yourselves, prepare yourselves, and do it on your own time, but do remember that the longer you wait the harder it will be...your son may be young, but he will no doubt be more confused if he were to find out a year or three years from now, when he is a little bit older and able to understand that you were not always honest and open with him.

Hope this helps...


--> So, now we wait. Man, I hope this spurs him to action haha.

[healingfeeling]

great job Nicole! That is truly going above and beyond for this man!

[DianeScraps]

Awesome job!

[wilted rose]

[quote=FH-Nicole28]"Your birthmommy (some adoptive parents on the forums call birthmothers by a different name: first mom, natural mom, tummy mom, whatever works) knew that we needed a child to love and call our own, so she gave you to us because she wanted you to have a wonderful life full of love," or something like that.
Ok, Nicole I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to disagree with some of your wording... for me as an adult adoptee, this wording is more happenstance(is that a word?) of the emotions of the aparents rather than the adoptee. Personally the whole chosen thing sends my pigtails in a huge knot! So as a small child, am I to ascertain,that my bmother didn't love me and call me her own, so she gave me away to someone else that could give me a wonderful life full of love?
I'm in a mood! Sorry! It's not you! However, sometimes less is more, ya' know? I realize your heart is in the right place, your intention is well thought out, and lengthy. Might I respectively add, small children just want to feel safe and loved! We don't ever prefer to be adopted, but it happens! So, really, sure we wanna know how we came to be in our respective families, and by god, as I'm saying this that might have been the only thing my aparents did right, they never cast one iota of a negative about my bmother or family, to me, god knows they could have. It's imperative for aparents to realize the volume of their words, how they forever imprint on our little minds!
Rose

[Nicole28]

Rose - I appreciate the feedback. However, I've got to reiterate the fact that I really tried to focus on and stress the importance of making their son feel safe and loved.

Ok, Nicole I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to disagree with some of your wording... for me as an adult adoptee, this wording is more happenstance(is that a word?) of the emotions of the aparents rather than the adoptee. Personally the whole chosen thing sends my pigtails in a huge knot! So as a small child, am I to ascertain,that my bmother didn't love me and call me her own, so she gave me away to someone else that could give me a wonderful life full of love?

I don't understand your concern with the wording - I think you're trying to say that the wording I came up with was more focused on the feelings of the adoptive mom & dad than on their son, and that's definitely not how I see it. I think using the word chosen is a great way to help their son to feel special, valued, etc. Even a six year old knows (to some degree) that chosen means to be wanted, to be valued. I also tried very hard to stress the importance of respect for the birthmom - in this case, and I just learned this today, the birthmom is the sister of the adoptive father, and she's been unable to provide for her biological son because of various personal issues since his birth. This makes it even MORE imperative to instill a respect and an appreciation for the biological mom.

We may not ever "prefer" to be adopted, but I've got to say, although I gripe about the various emotional issues and the stress of searching, I "prefer" this life to any other I could have had.

Okay - retort over. Thanks, Rose (and everyone else, too!) for your feedback.

[healingfeeling]

chosen means to be wanted,

to be chosen by one means to be given away by the other...this is the negative connotation with that phrasing.

You didn't mean it that way....I guess a lot of us just want to see that thinking ended "the chosen children..."

you went above and beyond for this family. I will agree with rose that the tone of the email seemed more or less to comfort the adoptive parents rather than the child. Maybe you felt bad for this man that he had to have this hard conversation and you were making it easier for him.

They will do it their own way anyway and the books you told him about are great!

[wilted rose]

Nicole, I suppose we'll have to respectfully agree to disagree, that's ok. Chosen, for me as an adoptee is highly offensive; it was when I was six, and still is now. You felt an urgency, as an adoptee, to share your opinion with this family, I'm confident they'll take it under thoughtful consideration.
Rose

[Nicole28]

I guess I've never really considered the possible negative connotations that go along with the word chosen. After thinking about it - I see where you are coming from. To each their own, yes?

To me, chosen (meaning "to be wanted") fits as an adoptee - my adoptive mom & dad wanted a baby and a family, and I was chosen (in our case I think my parents were making a religious reference, but also an attempt to make me feel "special") to be a part of their lives.

I suppose my email was a partial attempt to "comfort" my co-worker and his wife, and this is solely because I know they will back off and not have this discussion if they feel overwhelmed or intimidated. Believe me, I had a fairly heated discussion with him the first time this was mentioned & yesterday after work - I told him that this is important, that his son deserves this, etc. He (like a lot of people who are not adopted) did not necessarily see the urgency or the extreme importance in sharing this with his son and said he STILL considers the possibility of NEVER telling him the truth. I guess what I'm trying to do is make it as EASY as possible on him & his wife so that they will be convinced that this is the best thing they can do for their son.

Yes, we can surely agree to disagree. This has been a tough process for me, but it still feels good to know I'm helping, even if I made a few "mistakes" along the way. This is how I learn! I would have LIKED to have given my co-worker a piece of my mind and let him be the reciever of all of my adoption-related frustration at one point or another, but that would do no good. I'm just trying to advocate for their son.

[crick]

I think Nicole did a good job. I can see the points with the word "chosen", but I think too, we have to remember that #1 - the priority here is getting the parents in a place to have this discussion. At this point, the focus IS on them because in order for them to take this big important step, they have to feel comfortable in their decision to tell their son. It's important that they have several terms, discussion points, resources and support to help them take this step. Of course the focus on the child's reaction, feelings etc. is very important too, but first the parents need to take this step.

#2 - I also think it's important to remember that each person is an individual and perceives things differently. While some might have an issue with the terminology, there are others who will not. My dh speaks very fondly of being told by his parents that they chose him and wanted him. When he came home once upset that someone teased him about being adopted, his mom told him "well, their parents got stuck with them and we picked YOU". (This was in the 60's).

Nowadays, people would probably tell us aparents to not say things like that. But...to this day, my dh remembers that fondly and it never once upset him at all that to be chosen meant someone else "gave him away".

So there's different experiences for everyone and I think all a parent can do is try their best. If their son has negative feelings about any of the terms used, then they'll cross that bridge when they come to it. For now, I think the most important issue is that their son knows the truth and in receiving that truth...knows he is loved.

[healingfeeling]

I guess what I'm trying to do is make it as EASY as possible on him & his wife so that they will be convinced that this is the best thing they can do for their son.

That's what I figured Nicole I really hope he doesn't decide to keep the truth from him....you're a good person for having the boys interest at heart.

[wilted rose]

Would we all agree that aparents contemplating on having an adoption discussion with their adoptee may benefit in recognizing the need to do so. Having said that, while we cannot anticipate each individual adoptees internal dialogue, careful consideration to our approach, and possible emotional outcome should be our focus as aparents, imho, then again I'm an adoptee.
Rose

[WLD]

"So there's different experiences for everyone and I think all a parent can do is try their best. If their son has negative feelings about any of the terms used, then they'll cross that bridge when they come to it. For now, I think the most important issue is that their son knows the truth and in receiving that truth...knows he is loved."

Well said! I totally agree. I also think Nicole did a wonderful job. I'm wondering if sometimes terminology is seen differently by adoptees that have different experience with their adoptions. Suppose if you had a wonderful experience within your adoptive family, you don't find offense in the same terminology that an adoptee that has not had as great of an experience within their adoptive family? Same could be said regarding birth or first parents and aparents regarding their individual circumstance. Just my opinion, a thought to ponder.

[crick]

Rose.....I'm getting a bit of a "well, what do I know? I'm "just" an adoptee" feeling from your post, and I wanted to be sure to affirm that you have a very valid point, that your experience/feelings are indeed important!!

With your sharing, we all learn of different possibilities and outcomes which needs to be heard. I'm just saying that at the crux of any parenting, all we can really do is educate ourselves on all that is out there and go forth. Some will work and some won't, and we just have to do the best we can. We don't know if x term will work or if y term will hurt etc. kwim? Even with the most careful of planning, we can screw up.

WLD - I think there is a lot of truth to your pondering. I think we all base our opinions of things on personal experiences. I try to use other's experiences to include in my decisions or opinions, but of course, first and foremost, I'll be drawing from my own life & those known personally to me.

[Nicole28]

I think this thread is a great reminder of the different experiences all adoptees have.

Thanks for the encouragement, too. I am really anxious to see how this turns out.