[Nicole28]

A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread on this forum in regards to a man I work with who has a six year old adopted son. This man & his wife have not told their son that he is adopted, and this really frustrated me. I told him he absolutely had to tell his son...but then bit my tongue and stepped back, realizing that it's not my place to comment & I should probably not have said anything [I just felt so strongly...and I have a big mouth, haha]. The subject never came up again until this man sat down next to me at lunch today and asked if I could please pass along some literature, etc. that may help him & his wife begin the adoption discussion with their son. Let me tell you, I was thrilled! I feel like I was in the right place at the right time, you know? I told him I would help him any way that I could...and here's where you guys come in!

For those of us who have known that we were adopted for as long as we can remember - for me, I was 5 or 6 when I really began to understand/process it, but I was always familiar with the word "adopted" and "chosen" etc. - how did your adoptive mom & dad tell you? I gave this man a link to our forums and suggested that he and his wife check it out - I also urged him to post if he felt comfortable, but told him I'd post for him and share your feedback if he preferred.

This man & his wife also have two other children - I am pretty sure they are their biological children; they may be this man's step-children. Either way, he mentioned that his six year old may be beginning to wonder if he's in fact biologically related to his brother and sister - at least in a six year old's understanding of this. He didn't give me details...since I am an only child, feedback from adoptees who have brothers & sisters who are biologically related to the adoptive parents would be awesome! You know, just general stuff - what was it like growing up as the only adopted child in your family, etc.

Also, if anyone has any suggestions for resources I should share with my co-worker I'd love to check them out. I'm going to round up some books that I have and do some detective work here on the forums so I can pass along some helpful information to him.

I appreciate it guys! This means a lot to this man & his wife...and to me. I felt so strongly about this and was pretty anxious about this for at least a week after the initial discussion - it's just so frustrating for me to hear that they considered withholding the truth, and I am so glad that I helped them move in the right direction.

[Nicole28]

This REALLY Irked me...

There's the original thread I mentioned above...FYI.

[heartbeat]

Means a lot to me too, for the kid! I was ticked off.

Let's Talk About It: Adoption (Mr. Rogers) by Fred Rogers (Course, at Amazon you can't look at the whole book, but Mr. Rogers is always so sensitive and cool)

Adoption Is for Always by Linda Walvoord Girard

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge (Thought they might want to get this)

Twice-Upon-A-Time: Born and Adopted by Eleanora Patterson (This one is for pre-schoolers, but I loved the title, and a 3 yr old rated it, saying, "I yiked it!")

I'll look around some more later.

heartbeat

[Nicole28]

Guuuuuys I neeeeeeeeed you.

Help me come up with suggestions for the discussion this man & his wife will be having with their son. I have a book (Adopted and Loved Forever) to give to him, and I was thinking he should sit down with his wife and son, read the book, and then ask their son if he has any questions. He may or may not - either way, the book's content can sort of launch them into a discussion about his adoption.

I'd really love more feedback, though - I really feel compelled to help this man's family as much as I can, and I'm fearful that - if it seems too overwhelming & scary - that they WON'T tell their son the truth.

[crick]

I think I would start talking about different kinds of families in general to start out with. Talk about adoption, step parents, how sometimes grandparents raise the children, single parents etc. That in our family we have "mom, dad, brother & you etc." and in your friend "X's" family, they have xx & xx etc. Given today's society, I would bet your friend can come up with several different kinds of families they know.

I think it helps kids to see that they are not the only "different" ones. That EVERY family is different but very special and this is how our family came to be.

They might consider Jamie Lee Curtis's book "Tell me about the night I was born". And for other book ideas, you should check out the following thread.
http://forums.adoption.com/showthrea...02#post1495202

Not every book on there will relate, but there are some good ones.

If he's already questioning things, he might be having some fears, so I do hope they tell him ASAP. Kids always fear the UNKNOWN more than anything, imo. The unknown leads to very active imaginations and not very positive ones at times.

[Nicole28]

Thank you!

[Baby Melissa]

My parents told me I was sooo loved, that I was chosen especially for them. Like you, I always knew I was adopted, but thought I was brought by a stork like every other cabbage patch kid until I was 7. That's when they explained that there was another mommy & daddy but they were too young to keep me, although they wanted to. And by the time I was 7, I knew I didn't "grow in mommy's tummy, but in her heart", as they explained it. I think if they make it a very positive thing, a 6 or 7 year old will be receptive and feel special about it. I hope it goes well. Please keep us posted. Good for you!!

[aura]

I always knew I was adopted, my parents were very open about it. There is a poem, the Legacy of an adpoted child, it is how I was raised to see adoption. Let me see if I can cut and paste it here.

Once there were two women who never knew each other...
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make your one...
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you haw to live it...
The first gave you a need for the love and the second was there to fill it
One gave you a nationality, and the other gave you a name...
One gave you a seed of talent, and the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, and the other calmed your fears...
One saw your first sweet smile and the other dried your tears.
One gave you up, it's all that she could do...
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me through the fears,
The age old question unanswered throughout the years...
Heredity or environment, Which sm I a product of...
Neither my darling, neither...
Just two different kinds of love.

Author Unknown

I hope this helps hon. Kuddos to you also for helping this family not make a huge mistake! IMO!

[thediva320]

I was adopted at 5 years old and I don't think I ever remember a time that my parents actually told me I was adopted, so I can't say exactly how they told me. I think I just knew with everything going on. However, I did have a book when I was small that was called "Why Was I Adopted?" (pretty sure that's the name anyway. That is for younger kids and I thought it was pretty neat when I was a kid. Other than that, I don't really have much more help to offer.

[rilo kiley]

Nicole I'm so glad you have made yourself available as a resource for this co-worker and family.

If the other children are older do they know the 6 yr old is adopted? My older brother (aparents bio-kid) knew- he is 5 years older. And privately he taunted me when we were young; said I had a twin, said I was delivered by aliens and they had all waited up on the roof..etc. My amom told me recently (after I was inquiring) that at one point when we were both very young they heard my brother make fun of the fact that I was adopted and that they swiftly went into action and punished my brother. My amom was almost proud and in awe of his punishment- my adad was not approachable and very distant- I can only imagine what "punishment" was given to him. But certainly it was something that the 2 of them had talked about and talked about with my brother previously to whatever they heard him say. I never told her that he had continually taunted me and hurt my feelings and confused me about it growing up. Wonder if somehow I knew they had "punished" him? Or he had told me?

Anyhow, as far as being as adopted and other children- if they know and they adoptee does not---- the adoptee will hear it from siblings if parents do not share first. Also- maybe make it clear to your co-worker that adoption is not something for the kids to make fun of- not a fair fight. Good luck. I never had a book to read- ever- about being adopted. We didn't talk about it. It just was. They said that they told me the first time I came to them and asked "where do babies come from?" They said I grew in another woman's tummy but was raised by them.

The poem framed in my childhood bedroom-

Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart
but in it.

Good luck.

[Nicole28]

Thanks, guys.

I have a framed picture with The Legacy of An Adopted Child hanging in my bedroom, and I have always loved that - I wouldn't have even thought to share that with him! What an awesome idea. I just want to hug you for that aura!

I do think the "you grew in my heart, not in my tummy" analogy is helpful. I guess my only issue with this is that it may be a little confusing.

I think the best suggestion I can make is the idea of being "chosen." When I was younger my mom and dad used this word in adoption discussions and, for me, "chosen" really meant "extra-special."

I have the one book I could find (I know I have more but have no clue where to even look) and a list of other books they may want to check out...plus all of your suggestions here. I feel like I'm giving my co-worker a good place to start. I really hope he comes to the forums and at least checks them out - I'd really love to see him (and his wife!) post their questions or concerns and seek some support...maybe in time.

I am so appreciative! You guys are super duper awesome wonderful.

[rosebegonia]

Nicole,

I'm the wife of an adoptee, so my opinion may not matter much. I do agree with you, though.

My husband is the eldest of five. The first three were adopted and the last two were biological.

My dear mother-in-law told the three adoptees that they were wanted very much and she read a book to them about adoption. My in-laws never hid the fact that some of the kids were adopted. The adoptees were also told that if they wanted to find their birth parents, they would help. (This seemed to help the adoptees feel more secure, but this is just my opinion.)

My husband is in his 50s and he swears that all the kids were treated the same. They all know they are loved equally.

The kids had to follow the same rules and none received special treatment.

I think my in-laws did a wonderful job with their kids and I'd do the same if I adopted a child.

Joyce

[rilo kiley]

Nicole-

I just remembered the rest of the poem in my little girl bedroom-

Not flesh of flesh
or bone of my bone
but still mysteriously my own
Never forget for a single minute
you didn't grow under my heart but in it