[beccarhill]

Hi,
I am an adoptive Mom and I wanted to ask you guys a question. Let me preface this by saying, my friend also adopted and she says something totally different from me when referring to her son.
I love to tell people about my adoption of my daughter from Ukraine. I think its a great opportunity to share with others. We correspond with her birthmother and have a great relationship. I don't want her to forget that another woman birthed her and gave her up in hopes of having a better life in America. Anyway, I usually say, if people ask, "She IS adopted." My friend, however, says "My son WAS adopted." Does that make a difference to adoptees? Using the word IS OR WAS? I know this may not be a huge issue but I want to make sure that I make the best choices for my daughter. She is only 3 1/2 now so I know I have some time. I thought I would ask all of you. Thanks so much.
Becca

[BrandyHagz]

I was adopted

Adoption doesn't define who I am, it defines how I joined my family.

That's a personal thing for me...the word 'adoptee' when talking about myself, makes me cringe.

I think its personal...good discussion tho, we've had it before

[beccarhill]

Thanks Brandy. I just don't know how to approach it. My friend is pretty much a "my way or no way" type of person, if that makes sense. I can remember when she was going through infertility and she said "If I can't birth my children, then I'll be childless." It almost killed me! Here I was about to go through an adoption and she made a comment like that. Now, after adopting, she is all of a sudden "the adoption guru!" So, when I talk about Molly being adopted, she'll say "No, she WAS adopted." Its so weird! So, I thought I would ask those that have been adopted. I can't imagine loving another child as much as I love my daughter. I never remember my life without her. I'm not saying "is adopted" and implying that she is any different than if I birthed her. Thanks for the input, I appreciate it. Becca

[BrettC]

I don't think it matters. Certainly not to me. I would look into new friend, though...

[Jan18]

was/is, I really doesn't bother me one bit. I guess your friend just considers adoption an act that happened. I don't get overly sensitive about it personally, but that is just me. Everyone has their own preferences!

[rilo kiley]

I think whatever makes me you more comfortable sharing is the best choice. Whatever leaves you more open to the experience will help your daughter feel more open about it as well.

In my family growing up it was always very clear to me what words were ok for me to say and what we didn't talk about it- I think it would be more helpful to your daughter's development if you keep it loose and keep a dialouge flowing- your friend seems to be so strident already over present/past tense about a such a nonsense word I don't want to imagine how she will continue to set limits on what is "acceptable" vocabularly in her her house.

I appreciate your concern and asking opinions. I really do. Sounds like you are pursuing all avenues in this sensitive area.

[beccarhill]

Thanks guys, it means a lot that you gave me your input. I want to be totally honest with her. She talks about her birthmom "pushing her out." I have no idea where a three year old heard "pushing a baby out," but she did. Its cute to hear her say that.
I just want to do the right thing for her. Its a blessing to have her in my arms and to have been chosen to care for her in this lifetime.
Thanks again so much!!!!
Becca
PS - I think I do need a new friend
Or maybe just distance myself from her when it seems to get to be too much.

[thediva320]

I would have to agree with everyone else, it doesn't really matter to me what word you use so long as there is open communication between the two of you as she gets older. I do think there is a difference between "is" adopted and "was" adopted. To me, as an adoptee, I AM adopted. It doesn't end once the paperwork is finished. Brandy is right, it doesn't determine who I am as a person, but that's like saying "was born" or "is born" the fact is you are born. Does that make any sense. Ultimately, it doesn't matter as long as you love your daughter and are always open with her.

[heartbeat]

A way to test it, which I just tried, is to say "she's our adopted daughter". If you expand the contraction "she's" it makes no sense to say, "she was our adopted daughter."

Or, bypass it altogether and say, "we adopted her'"

Like others here, it wouldn't matter to me personally, but I appreciate the thought you're putting into it.

I love what BrettC wrote, short and to the point...

I don't think it matters. Certainly not to me. I would look into new friend, though...

sheesh I love the name Molly!

with your friend - you could stir the pot a bit and see what happens. Next time she corrects, with a straight face and no smarty undertones, explain that you've worked hard to educate yourself and you think you're doing fine. Then ask why she feels such a deep need to correct you. <shrugs> just a thought.

heartbeat

[StorkWatcher]

An adoptive mom once made a comment (might have been on here) that, TO HER, adopted is a past tense verb for something that occurred one time- not an adjective. It made me think something like this:

Our family of three was created by adoption. True.

We adopted our son. True.

If we had a biological child also, I would not feel the need to distinguish often and call one the adopted child and one the biological child. To me, someone calling my son "their adopted child" sounds just a tiny bit different than "they adopted him", but I wouldn't make a big deal about it.

We adopted him on one day. Now we're just a family. He's my beautiful baby boy. Period.

This is not to say we won't alway discuss the adoption openly or often or that we try to hide it from people. I am very happy that we were able to adopt and start our family. I like to share our experience in the hope it educates others. But I don't need to focus on it as if it's the one thing that makes him special. (Again, not meaning to insinuate you or anyone else does. These were just some thoughts I had when I first heard the topic broached.)

These are just my personal opinions, and I am enjoying reading the others posted here. It is so good to see things worded differently and from other peoples' perspectives!

[carmel drake]

< becccarhill wrote> She talks about her birthmom "pushing her out." I have no idea where a three year old heard "pushing a baby out," but she did. Its cute to hear her say that.

Hi there, Many years ago, when my sister was in her ninth month of pregnanacey. She was riding on a bus, going out of town. Along the way the bus swerved so fast and hard that it hit a bump in the road. She screamed in firght and held onto her stomach her belly expanded for a minute.

Several years later, her little girl said mommy, remember when I was in your belly and we got frightened on the bus and you screamed and I jumped.

My sister had never told anyone about the bus ride because it was just not that important and as the years pasted by, she forgot all about it. My sister was so shocked to hear her daughter say it, that she phoned me that night to tell me...I believe her daughter does remember, just as Molly remember's being pushed out into the world by her mother.

I have an article or two on babies ability to remember things before birth. I will try to find it.

Sincerely Carmel

[Birth4Mom3]

That is AMAZING. I know another birth mom who's child told his a-mom that "when I was in P's tummy, Jesus talked to me and told me that He was going to get me a new forever mommy but that P loved me very much."

Chills, I tell you!

[beccarhill]

Wow - what a story!!!! I have chills too!!!!! Thanks for sharing and I would love to hear more stories like that.
Molly is so adament about "Victoria" pushing her out. I want her to remember her Mommy in Ukraine. She is our daughter and I can't imagine loving another child like I love her. We were thinking of doing embryo adoption and I kept saying "But, I can't love another child like I love Molly!" My mom explained it to me, that you love all your children the same but not as a whole. Another way to say it, "I don't love ALL my children (as in one unit or group), I love each of them the same." Does that make sense? I just read that and its harder to explain it on email. Anyway, basically what I am saying is I wouldn't treat her any differently than if I had birthed her myself. I am starting to confuse myself!!!!
Thank you to all of you for your input!!! Its amazing to hear stories of how those that have been adopted view adoption. When I explain her adoption story to her in more detail, its people like you that I will seek out to ask how to do it. I appreciate your kindness in helping me figure out the best way to approach this.
I think I'll use the "our adopted daughter" or one of the other phrases. I promise not to be sarcastic
Thanks so much and blessings to you all! I would love to hear all of your adoption stories!!!!!
Becca from Texas

[Scott2wlCody]

Ahhh, memories....

When I was younger, I would walk around telling the ladies in my Mom's beauty school "I'm special because I'm adopted."

When I was in CO a few weeks ago for my grandfather's funeral, Grandma shared a memory of me riding in the elevator with Grandpa when they lived in Denver and someone would see us there and ask me if he was my grandpa. I would say something along the lines of "Well, I'm adopted, but I still call him Grandpa."

When I talk about my upbringing, It is hard to keep from talking about being adopted (present tense). True, my parents went through a process that was finalized by me being adopted, and even furthermore, they don't go around introducing me as their adopted son, but rather as their son. I imagine that it wouldn't matter how I came to be their son, they would love me just the same. I often go either way; I was adopted back in the early 80's or I am adopted/an adoptee.

Good thoughts from everyone else. Very interesting accounts on the memory of babies before being born.

[BabsCanada]

It's interesting to see adoptee's viewpoints on this. My dd is only 9, and I'm not sure how she'd respond, but ...
We've always been careful not to refer to her as 'adopted', as in 'our adopted daughter'. If and when it comes up, we say ' we adopted ***'.
Because being adopted isn't who she IS, any more than being born is who I AM.
Being adopted is how she came to be our daughter; she wasn't born to us, but she is our daughter.
I no longer feel a need to broadcast the fact that we adopted dd; I'll admit that I did at first, I thought I was being very upfront and honest, and that it was the right thing to do;
But I read somewhere that an adoptee has the right to privacy, to tell or not tell, and for the most part I've tried to adhere to that.
She will tell people she was adopted; we have an open relationship with birthmom and siblings, so the subject does come up regularly with her friends.

But I certainly don't introduce her as 'my adopted daughter', and I don't bring up the subject with anyone other than friends or sometimes teachers, as I no longer think of her as 'adopted', just simply as 'mine'.

OT a little bit, but it just makes me angry when I see obituaries that read 'survived by adopted son/daughter' ...

I only have 1 child but if I had adopted one and birthed another, I wouldn't single them out as 'different'

I agree with an earlier poster, that you should sweetly tell your friend that you've done your research and are comfortable with your approach to the subject.

You'll always get lots of good advice and opinions here.

Babs