[motoXmom]

I've been here off and on for a year or two. I've posted a few times but usually only read (lurk LOL).

I have a question but I do NOT want to come off as bashing anyone.
So here goes...
When I found my Bmom I found out I have about 5-7 Bbrothers. Great right well not really. First I get confusing info on them. Such as first a couple of them are "full" (Same father)bbrothers, then all are your "full" bbrothers, to none are your "full" bbrothers. I have their names and the reason why I'm not sure how many I have is because a couple of them have very similar names. Like the first and middle names are switched around so I'm not sure if it's the same brother or if it's 2 separate brothers. My bmom doesn't seem to really know. She seems to- I guess Want to be very open but I'm not sure if she really doesn't remember or isn't telling me the truth on purpose.
The "forgiving" part of this is I want to be able to let go of the fact she gave up so many kids. One after another with me being the last one to be given up. She did go on to have 2 more girls that she kept right after me. They are my half Sisters. They are 2 of the most Wonderful people you would ever want to meet! I'm having such a painful time trying to I guess let go of the fact she gave up so many of us- again one after another then kept the last two. I want to let go of the hard feelings I have but don't know how. Because I don't think someone could be tricked or forced THAT many times and not know what they're doing.
I keep reading stories about how bad the bmoms feel that they Had to give up their babies but then I keep thinking about mine. After the first couple of times you go through it wouldn't you say to yourself enough is enough and take the steps not to get pregnant in the first place?! Again I do not mean this to Bash or Hurt anyone who has given up a child. Sometimes reading bmoms stories on how they didn't know any better and they were lied to or the baby was about ripped from their arms I actually get mad. Thinking that is not true for all bmoms. I hate the fact I get so upset. Please if YOU are a Bmom and reading this I don't mean to hurt you or say you are lying on how you feel or what/ how it happened in your situation. I just don't think I've read a story from a bmom actually saying I wasn't lied to and they didn't rip my baby from my arms, I willingly gave up my child/children and I knew what I was doing each and every time (if it was more than once) I gave one up. I always see there was lying, deception, and they were told to just get on with their lives, someone else made all the decisions for them and so on. I've never read a story where the bmom said well I was a party animal in those days and well things just happened and I just didn't feel like being a mom.
I really hope all of this is making sense. But probably not! My mind is so scattered in what seems to be a Million different directions.

ETA :Thank You for taking the time to read this. I know it's really long but I just hate feeling all this anger and want to get past it. Thanks for any help/thoughts you can give.

[Cmara]

I can understand some of what you are feeling, and I think they are very natural feelings to have. It's difficult to think about your life being so seperate from your b sibs. You all grew up not knowing eachother, and now you have these relationships. You get together, or talk and it's like "you are my family, but I'm just getting to know you". It's a difficult position to be in.

I am a little confused as to you saying your b mom doesn't really seem to know how many children she had???? Maybe I was reading it wrong. You say that you are having a hard time forgiving her. Maybe she hasn't fully opened up to you about what her life was really like. She may have been so lost in her own life that it all just got away from her.

I have been in a reunion with b sibs for about 9months. One older full sib and 3 younger half sibs. I have mixed feelings about it as well. On one hand I feel bad that the full sib was kept and I wasn't. Then sometimes I feel guilty that I was given up and the full sib was left in a situation being raised by a man who fathered three other half siblings, but was never fully accepted by him.
I have had feelings that run all over the place from anger to guilt, and sympathy and understanding. Now that I know more about the position my b mom was in I am more accepting about it. She just was in no position to raise me. She could barely raise the one she had. There are so many reasons that we are placed with other families, and no matter how much information we are given, we may never fully understand what our mothers truely went through.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Hopefully the future will bring you some needed answers and some peace of mind. Hang in there.

[katlyn]

I always see there was lying, deception, and they were told to just get on with their lives, someone else made all the decisions for them and so on. I've never read a story where the bmom said well I was a party animal in those days and well things just happened and I just didn't feel like being a mom.

Well, I was not a party animal by any stretch of the imagination. I was young and "in love" or so I thought, my daughters bfather was my "first" in every sense of the word, from first time to first love. He was a year younger than I and when I found out I was pregnant, I was 16 and he was only 15. I knew that adoption was the right choice for me, my mother was a single parent and was doing the best she could to raise myself and my sister, I could not put the burden of caring for my child on her too and I knew that I was unable to do it on my own. I knew as well, that my daughters bfather was too young to be any sort of parent and that his parents were too lax in there parenting skills for me to trust them to help. Lets just say that the birthfather was allowed to do pretty much whatever he liked, from drinking to well.....other unlawful acts as long as they were at home. This was in no way something I could allow for my child, so I felt like adoption was my only other alternative, excluding the other "A" word which was never an option. I was decieved in the fact that I didn't know anything about adoption, that I could have an "open" adoption, and that I could pick her parents and so on. I thought the fact that I did pick her parents even though I didn't meet them, we did speak, was an open adoption. However, since I've found this site, I've learned that what I had was in no way an open adoption. Anyhow, I don't know if my story helps you or not, but I just wanted you to know that I was not forced or tricked into my decision, I truly thought that I made the right choice. I just knew that I was too young and too immature to care for another when I had not yet learned take care of myself, I couldn't deny my bdaughter the chance of having two parents to love her and give her everything she needed. I don't just mean worldly goods, I mean healthcare, food and a stable home with a roof over her head. I don't know if this is what you were looking for, but I know that for me, once was all I could handle, I could not have placed another child. It took all I had to get on with my life past that point, two years of therapy, a wonderfully supportive mother and sister, and friends. There is still pain, but it is definitely better. I'm sending you a great big hug, and I hope that you can move on from here without all the anger.
Michelle

[motoXmom]

Originally Posted by Cmara

I am a little confused as to you saying your b mom doesn't really seem to know how many children she had???? Maybe I was reading it wrong. You say that you are having a hard time forgiving her. Maybe she hasn't fully opened up to you about what her life was really like. She may have been so lost in her own life that it all just got away from her.

I'll try to clear this up! LOL
OK from what I've read in the papers she (**) gave me I have, I think, maybe up to 6 BBrothers. I say think because of the name thing.
For example: Matthew Carig, Craig Matthew, Richard Craig etc... all with the same last name of Reed.
So I have no idea if the names are wrong or they are all separate people. My ** had searched and found 2 of the bbrothers and after reuniting, they won't have anything to do with her. I'm not quite sure what happened because it was before we found each other and again I got a couple different stories from her about why. I haven't had contact from any of my bbrothers at all. She seemed excited to bring out her search papers and show me all of it. But when I asked anything about them I get different versions or stories. Like how many there were, what their names were etc. And according to her my bbrothers are about a year apart (actually some about one year and one month apart)each year starting about 1959-60 ish to when I was born in 1967.

It's kind of like when I asked her about the name of the man that signed my Birth Cert. First she said well I don't know why HE signed it, he's not your father and even if he was HE's DEAD. Yep just like that. He's Dead. Then told me, that man died in his car with a bar-fly woman (her words) one night outside a bar drunk in his car. They both died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Then in a conversation much later she said "Well yes he was your father" and "I never said he wasn't you father". Even when my DH was in the room, right next to me and he heard her too.

I'm so darned confused. I can't get straight answers from her. And with a falling out I had a couple of years ago with her I don't think I'll be getting any answers any time soon either. I gave up because she kept saying Ask me anything.. please if you want to know anything just ask. So I do and get conflicting stories. I'm not sure if she just really doesn't remember how many she had or if she's just making things up with what she thinks I want to hear. KWIM

The falling out we had was when we got into a minor disagreement and she screamed over the phone "Well, you know you only have one Mother" meaning her. This was only couple months after losing my Amom suddenly and very unexpectedly, which she knew all about. That was the final knife in my heart. I know that may sound dramatic but that's how it felt.

I know this is probably all jumbled up. But my thoughts are as well. Thank You for taking the time to respond to me and add your thoughts, I appreciate it.

[motoXmom]

Originally Posted by katlyn

I knew that adoption was the right choice for me, my mother was a single parent and was doing the best she could to raise myself and my sister, I could not put the burden of caring for my child on her too and I knew that I was unable to do it on my own. I knew as well, that my daughters bfather was too young to be any sort of parent and that his parents were too lax in there parenting skills for me to trust them to help.

I just knew that I was too young and too immature to care for another when I had not yet learned take care of myself, I couldn't deny my bdaughter the chance of having two parents to love her and give her everything she needed. I don't just mean worldly goods, I mean healthcare, food and a stable home with a roof over her head. I don't know if this is what you were looking for, but I know that for me, once was all I could handle, I could not have placed another child. It took all I had to get on with my life past that point, two years of therapy, a wonderfully supportive mother and sister, and friends. There is still pain, but it is definitely better. I'm sending you a great big hug, and I hope that you can move on from here without all the anger.
Michelle

Hi Michelle
I probably butchered your post with the quote thing. LOL Sorry 'bout that. I just wanted to Thank You for sharing your experience. I does help! And Huge Thanks for the Hug that brought tears to my eyes when I read it and again now as I write this. I hope too that one day I will be able to get through the feelings of anger. I didn't always feel this way. I grew up always knowing I was adopted and from Canada. My parents were always up front with us (both my Abrother and I were adopted from different families). When I lost her (my mom) it was a Huge blow. One day she was SO full of life and pretty much the next she was gone. I was just always greatful to my Bmom that she gave me up for a better life. It was only after finding her and talking that nothing she said made any sense and the lies started rolling. I know she has lied about some things but other things I'm not sure if they are out right lies or just not remembering.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply to my post. And Hugs right back at ya!

[Cmara]

Hey MotoXmom, I have a sister (also adopted), who I haven't seen or talked to in over 5 years. I don't know if I will be able to say this right, but I will try. My sister spent her whole life lying and making things up. She told big lies and small lies. It was like she was in a fantasy land. It got to the point when you really had no choice but not to believe her because you never knew if she was being thruthfull. She clearly did not feel she fit into our adoptive family. (as some of us don't). She would run away, not tell where she was, ALWAYS seeking attention. She is in her 40's now and has three children with 3 different men. While my parents may not have agreed with her lifestyle choices they stood by her and were more than supportive. With two of her kids she lied about who their fathers were for years. It caused a lot of heartache for those who thought they were the father or the grandparents. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really believe that she told so many lies in her life that she herself didn't remember what the truth was.
I totally understand why you feel anger towards your b mom. You're probably like "what do you mean you don't remember?", or "why the different stories?" "How many of us are there?" From the bit of info you've given it just struck a chord in me that reminded me of my sister. Some people are just so lost in their own lives. It leaves us all wondering how did this happen? I think for my sister she was always feeling like she was being judged by others, when in reality she was judging herself. She just couldn't admit that.
Am I making any sense????????????????? Hopefully one day you will get the answers you are looking for. I hope so. Just know that WE hear you and understand!

[motoXmom]

[quote=Cmara I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really believe that she told so many lies in her life that she herself didn't remember what the truth was.

Am I making any sense????????????????? Hopefully one day you will get the answers you are looking for. I hope so. Just know that WE hear you and understand![/QUOTE]

Hi Cmara
That first part from your quote really hit home with me. It seemed like she wanted to share every bit of info with me and seemed really excited to do so. But then I kept getting different stories. I guess she didn't notice the inconsistencies but since I was so engrossed and hanging on just about each and every word she said that I noticed them. Maybe she has just lied for so long that she honestly (no pun intended!) doesn't remember or has told so many they are getting in the way of each other and believes each one!? Oh lordy I don't know. I will try to go over my paperwork again and see if I can make heads or tails of them. I put them away awhile ago because it was giving me a headache and stressing me out!
One of her lies was she (BMom) said she never knew what state I was Adopted into, only that I was Adopted into the USA. Then proceeded to hand me paperwork that clearly show she was searching my state for years before our reunion. A couple were even dated just 3 months before we were reunited!! Many letters she wrote to the state for any info on me and possibly one bbrother. No other state was on any other papers I ever seen. But believe me if she would have searched others she would have shown me and went see I look Here and There for you, but couldn't find you. I don't even think I questioned her at the time about that one. I had so many questions I just let it slide and let her talk, which she seemed to like to do. LOL Kind of like my rambling!
I hope one day to get the closure I need, but that may not be for a very long time if at all.

I don't know how to ever Thank You and the other poster for talking to me about this. AND for not jumping on me for having the agner and taking my OP in the wrong way. Like I said in that one I wasn't posting to hurt anyone or to call anyone a liar about how or what happened to them. I don't feel this anger is good for me ( lol no duh!) and I seem to go through periods of such stress about it and it consumes all my thoughts and energy. Then seem to be able to put it on the back burner for a little while. I guess that's one reason some refer this all to a rollercoaster ride. Well I for one would like to get off now but can't seem to do it. I have siblings I've never met and some I'm pretty sure don't even know I exist-others may. Of course I know my 2 BSisters do. And I miss them each and every day. I had always wanted a sister and here I have 2 !! Sorry about the book! It just seems to be pouring out of me right now. Maybe that's a good thing but I don't know maybe it's not.
Anyways Thank again {{ Hugs }}
Motoxmom

[dmca]

I see so much insecurity in the lies of the parents/children.
Some is to protect themselves, other lies/secrets to protect the child, even though the child was relinquished .
If I had a secret about something that I thought would hurt my birthdaughter, I'd keep it too. We are still mothers and most of us do still carry that maternal feeling towards our relinquished children and don't want them hurt.
As to WHO IS MY SIBLING. I have a half brother. is that hyphenated? no idea, and really don't care. See, my half brother is not half anything, just my brother. I can't see which half or part is not part of me and I doubt I ever will.
just some thoughts.
dmca

[motoXmom]

Originally Posted by dmca

I see so much insecurity in the lies of the parents/children.
Some is to protect themselves, other lies/secrets to protect the child, even though the child was relinquished .
If I had a secret about something that I thought would hurt my birthdaughter, I'd keep it too. We are still mothers and most of us do still carry that maternal feeling towards our relinquished children and don't want them hurt.
dmca

Oh I do understand this honestly I do. But she didn't stop for a second and think about my feelings when she said to me "Oh I don't know why HE signed it, he isn't your father and even if he was he's Dead". It was said very matter of factly. No I'm sorry there was a mix up, he's not your father and he passed away, nothing like that. There are tons of other things she had told me that clearly weren't said or told to me in a way that would spare my feelings or protect me in any way. She just plopped them on the table (so to speak) and I was meant to deal with it. Yet she would call me crying telling me how much she loved me and missed me. But just before that some hurtful things had been said and yes sometimes by both ends. She is a very blunt to the point kind of person that speaks first and thinks later. I see some of that in myself... so at least I know where I get it from! lol just kidding.
Our power just went out after I posted my last reply and it just came back on. During that time I got the paperwork back out and found a page I hadn't seen before. One of the papers stated 4 births to same mother before this one (me), but then it also states 4 births total including this birth (me). So which is it 4 plus me or 4 including me. But then again I have papers for more than 4 boys that were born before me. These are the kind of things that make me crazy! lol Plus I found out that I was from an extra marital affair or so the paper says. She left the boys father after she found out she was pregnant with me I think. So I guess this means none of the boys are my full bbrothers all are half sibs. Not that it makes them less important to me I just wanted to know.

Oh I guess I better stop rambling for now.. another storm heading right for us! The power will probably go back out. Oh what will I do without my internet! LOL

Again Thanks to all for listening and taking the time to try and help me.

[motoXmom]

I didn't mean if they were half brothers that it would make them any less of a brother to me. I thought maybe it would help in my search for them with exactly how many there are and their possible last names. Thats why I thought it would be important to me wether they were half or full. I hope that helps explain where I'm coming from. lol

[katlyn]

I probably butchered your post with the quote thing. LOL Sorry 'bout that.

Wow...I can see why you'd have a headache....I'd have one too! I get the same way when I think about my family, I have two half brothers and two half sisters both, a brother and a sister from my dads first marriage and a brother and a sister from my dad's marriage after us. I met my older brother and sister, but have never met my younger siblings. Then....as if that wasn't confusing enough, I have a full sister, and another half brother and sister from my mom's first marriage, all told I have three half brothers, three half sisters and on full sister..... It doesn't exactly compare to your circumstances I know, at least I know who belongs where and with whom, I can only fathom how you are coping with the inconsistancies you have recieved from your bmom. The siblings that I have met and the siblings that I've grown up with all my life I don't see as half, I see them as just my sisters and brothers...period. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you are able to decypher all that paperwork and your mothers "stories" and you find all your siblings. Please feel free to pm me if you want, and you didn't butcher my post too much LOL.Take care!
Michelle

[motoXmom]

Katlyn
Thank You for your thoughts and good wishes. And LOL yes I have a headache as I type this. So many dates, names, info etc. I am blessed that at least I have the papers in the first place to even read. The part that astounds me is the hoops my Aparents had to jump through to get me. The classes, interviews (time after time), the trips to Canada and just the emotional rollercoaster of waiting for it to become final. It's great because I have the transcripts from at least one of the interviews with them about how they felt when they first set eyes on me and held me for the first time. I keep reading it over and over and cry each time. The love that pours out of the words on the page is a wonderful feeling. More so since my mom is gone. They fought so hard and in the end won. Family was and is everything to them. When I first started my search I was afraid I'd hurt them but they were so great and actually helped me with it. My mom still was in contact with the Judge that handled my Adoption and asked a few favors. He granted them no questions asked and on his own time. What more could I ask for? He went above and beyond his duties as a Judge. And I'll never forget that. Oh gosh I wish I could get through a post without crying my eyes out, but that's just not possible at least right now. If my post seems full of spelling errors and really jumbled I have bad nerve damage and just took my meds... muscle relaxers so I'm having a really hard time typing, so please forgive me. This will have to be my last post for the night. Again I want to Thank each and every one of the people that read and or replied to my thread. It all really helps. Am I still mad, upset,sad etc... yea I am but it's getting a bit easier to deal with. Whew Yea I gotta go I can't see straight and typing is so hard so I'll see you all tomorrow. If I find anything else I will post !
Thansk again to everyone for the help and kind words. {{Hugs}} to all and Best of Luck with your search/ reunion.

Before I go does anyone know of any other good message boards in reguards to adoption?

[heartbeat]

Hi,

Day late, but really wanted to mention this as a possibility. First, please don't apologize for 'bothering' us. That's what's so great about forums, if we don't want to be 'bothered' we can pass by those posts. <smile>

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is mental health issues. It's not unheard of for women with psychological disorders to get pregnant and not really be able to process how not to, or even cause and effect. I've heard of women whose situations sound somewhat similar to your bmom's. They have babies and it's almost like they forgot where they put them down last - they forget dates and years of birth, fathers, as well as when they lived where, what psych hospital they were in and when, etc. In their more lucid moments, they may actually realize that they can't remember the details, but may remember the births, and due to (unwarranted) shame, that's when they may make things up to fill in gaps. But they forget between lucid times what they've said, so stories never match. [I have a lot of compassion for those women, as well as the men. I can't imagine the horror their lives are. Or maybe they're not with it often enough to recognize how different they are and how much they're missing. <sigh> Remember the movie Awakenings with Robin Williams & DeNiro? True, tragic story.]

Anyway, I wanted to at least mention that to you. I'm not sure how one would go about finding out the state of someone's mental health. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to ask them.

I feel for you. You're in a difficult position with lots of tiptoeing and eggshells. My best advice is to be patient with and kind to yourself. This isn't a walk in the park. This is hard stuff.

Warmly, heartbeat

[motoXmom]

heartbeat:
Thank You for your thoughts! I have thought about that before. Heck I have so many thoughts running through my head right now! LOL It could be possible she does have a disorder of some kind. Because I mean she seems to want to tell me all about this one or that one but then I get the mixed stories. So I don't know what to believe or use for information on looking up siblings. Oh my head just keeps going round and round!
Thanks again!

[ripples]

Dear motoXmom
Forgiveness. I think it's probably the flip side of self-acceptance. And both so hard to reach and only likely come about after working through all the emotional turmoil. Sigh....I wish the journey was somehow easier.

I can understand your feelings of confusion, anger, hurt, etc; especially since you also lost your a-mom suddenly and unexpectedly and that you keep receiving such conflicting responses from your b-mom. I can relate to the incredible frustration and anger that may be going through you - trying to sift through so many confusing replies. It sounds like your b-mom is just plain unable, whether for emotional reasons or otherwise, to provide you with a true answer - and that's what can especially be difficult. Coming to terms that she won't or can't provide you with the 'answers' that you're seeking. If it were me, I guess I'd be left with a whole buncha 'why' questions.

I recommend the book by Eveylyn Burns Robinson, "Adoption and Recovery" - while her recommendations are mainly aimed at birth moms, her point that addressing our grief and allowing ourselves to mourn are key in being able to integrate the losses that are a part of adoption. Many of us, regardless of our adoption and reunion circumstances, have so many buried hurts that never really got the opportunity to be fully acknowledged/heard. By doing emotional recovery work, by grieving, we somehow let our emotions, and ourselves, reach a level of self-acceptance.

I'm still grappling with a lot of very, very painful emotions, but I do notice that by doing all this grief work, it does help somehow. It ain't easy, but I recognise that a greater sense of peace and hopefully, forgiveness, will eventually come. I've spoken with one of the post-adoption resource centers here and I agree with their point that the core issues http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/ht..._adoption.html
may never totally go away, no matter what we find about our birth pasts or the relationships that we do form post-reunion. We just find a way to somehow integrate our experiences/emotions. I hope this makes sense.

Big hugs to you in the meantime as you grapple with all the confusing info and emotions.