[motoXmom]

Originally Posted by ripples

Dear motoXmom
If it were me, I guess I'd be left with a whole buncha 'why' questions.

I recommend the book by Eveylyn Burns Robinson, "Adoption and Recovery" - while her recommendations are mainly aimed at birth moms, her point that addressing our grief and allowing ourselves to mourn are key in being able to integrate the losses that are a part of adoption. Many of us, regardless of our adoption and reunion circumstances, have so many buried hurts that never really got the opportunity to be fully acknowledged/heard. By doing emotional recovery work, by grieving, we somehow let our emotions, and ourselves, reach a level of self-acceptance.

I'm still grappling with a lot of very, very painful emotions, but I do notice that by doing all this grief work, it does help somehow. It ain't easy, but I recognise that a greater sense of peace and hopefully, forgiveness, will eventually come. I've spoken with one of the post-adoption resource centers here and I agree with their point that the core issues http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/ht..._adoption.html
may never totally go away, no matter what we find about our birth pasts or the relationships that we do form post-reunion. We just find a way to somehow integrate our experiences/emotions. I hope this makes sense.

Big hugs to you in the meantime as you grapple with all the confusing info and emotions.

Oh yes I do have many "Why" qusetions! LOL I don't think I will ever really know and that saddens me. I may have to let it go for awhile because it can just get overwhelming as you all know. Sometimes I wish I could just sit her down and say Please just tell me the truth, if you don't remember That's OK let's move on. I really feel I wouldn't have the anger and or hurt I now have if we could have done this years ago. I have told her before, in the begining that I didn't have any hard feelings for her or what she had to do... I was thankful! My Aparents are/ were(amom) the Best anyone could ever ask for. But from the first conversation I got mixed stories. If I questioned her on them she got pretty upset and said things like "What dont' you think I would remember this or that?" so then most of the times I would let it go and I figured I try to sort it out later. That really doesn't work to well either.
Thanks for the book title I will have to look into that. Honestly I hate reading but I don't know many more places to turn to right now, so maybe I'll give it a shot! LOL
Thanks for the Hug and your time to reply. {{HUGS}} right back at ya!

[ripples]

Originally Posted by motoXmom

I don't think I will ever really know and that saddens me.

I can relate to your sadness. I found out that my birth parents died a long time ago so I'll never get to hear their story straight from them. I imagine that even adoptees who've found out lots of details and have been able to form wonderful relationships with their birth family, probably still feel that sadness in some way or other. Ultimately I feel we're faced with the challenge of accepting that a huge loss has occurred, that it will always be a part of our lives in some way or other and to somehow integrate it into who we are.

I liken adoption and reunion to two analogies: losing one's left leg, or discovering that one's asthmatic. In the asthma case, it's as if I've been struggling to breathe all my life, pretending that everything was 'normal'. Now I've discovered that I have asthma. It's unseen, affects me physically, emotionally, etc; Every now and then I'll struggle to breathe, other times I'll breathe okay, other times I'll need the help of doctors. Whatever the case, it's a part of my life and somehow I learn to live with it.

In the losing one's left leg, the leg was lost long ago. Meanwhile I've been limping, pretending that I actually do have two legs like everyone else. Now I realize that I'd lost my leg long ago. I might have a prosthesis, use a wheelchair, etc; but whatever I do, I'll never really recover that lost leg in its full original state. Somehow I learn to live with that fact and learn to walk in a different but very real way.

I hope this makes sense. Lotsa hugs again to you!

Ripples

[motoXmom]

Ripples
I'm so sorry about your loss. That must be hard.
Your post Does make sense! At least to me it does. lol I pretty much have given up on thinking I will ever find my birthfather. From what I've read in some papers she (Joan) gave me copies of it says she(again Joan) stated that when she found out she was pregnant with me he left her. Well I guess "left her" because she was already married to my bbrothers father. I think. Like I've said before so many conflicting "facts" in the paperwork and from her. Since she has moved I don't have her new phone # and even if I did I'm not sure it would be worth calling and asking anything. Know what I mean. I think it would just confuse me even more!
Hugs to you too. You are very sweet to help me with my thoughts through this. As we all know it's not easy.