[mrjeff]

This isn't a proposition. I'm just curious to know if adoptees feel like they have a special connections with other adoptees.

Also, due to some of the emotional issues that adoptees tend to face--things like: fear of abandonment, needyness, etc....Does this make them more compatable, or is this make it more of a recipe for disaster?

Just interested in hearing other peoples 2 cents.

Jeff

[healingfeeling]

hey jeff,

my fiance didn't meet his father until he was 17...I just met my father at age 27. We've been together 6 years...and its his understanding and support that finally made me feel entitled to find my dad.

he wasn't adopted like I was, he had a step-dad and maintained a relationship with his paternal side (just not his dad).

so yes i think it does make people more compatable...at least in my case

[jenpwcmom]

I don't know if it's any more likely, but I can tell you that I relate to other abandoned children (adults) better. They have the same fears and lack of trust that I have met relationship with my whole life. That doesn't make it any better because most people don't understand the impact it has had on them. If both partners are at a loss (like many of us are before the healing begins) then I think it makes for a poor mix. Neither can trust. Neither can love fully. Finding yourself and a person who truly has their own sense of self can be very supporting. When both are "lost", before the recognition strikes, it can make for a very juvenile relationship. I was adopted very young (2 -3 weeks old) and I married a man who was raised for the first 4 years by relatives. When his baby sister was born, his parents took him back into their home (how kind of them), and throughout his entire life he has felt rejected and unwanted. Very similar impact and we certainly related to each other, but both of us were so protective of ourselves that we were like watchdogs. I am only starting to understand now (at 37) and I don't know if he'll ever try to gain any self understanding. It's so hard to face because the walls we build WORK. I think we were both waiting for the inevitable - he/she's going to leave me. I love him to death and we have a beautiful little girl, but unless he ever decides to pursue some healing measures, we will never be able to be close again (divorced for almost 3 years now). Not everyone is able to face the inner truth. I'm sure many never do.

I wish all parents of adopted chillden had to read "Primal Wound" as a requirement for adoption or a similar book. I cannot say if the practice of acknowledging the loss from when we are babies actually helps, but it sure as hell can't hurt. I remember when I was about 4 we adopted a kitten and when it tore up my amom's curtains, we took it back. I never even knew I was addopted until 8 or 9 but I always felt like if mom could have, she would have traded me in for another baby. I don't know why I felt like that without knowing, just that I felt something wasn't whole for as long as I can remember.

Bottom line, I really think it mattes more as to what stage both partners are in. Two understanding people can fend off each other's anxiety. If either is in denial (like we all are before the light goes on in our head) they cannot give what is needed by the other.

[Nicole28]

That's a great question. I only know maybe two other adoptees who were adopted domestically & I know quite a few young adoptees who were adopted nationally, so it looks like I'll be marrying a non-adoptee by default, hehe.

[susiesgirl]

i think that it could go either way. It depends on how *needy* for lack of better term the spouse is. But then again you would have somebody who truley understands what you are feeeling., My spouse isnt adopted but he was excellent when it came to suporrting me.

[Nicole28]

Just from my own experience integrating adoption into a relationship with a non-adoptee...

It must be so hard for non-adoptees to understand what we go through emotionally/mentally whether we are searching or not. My ex-boyfriend just "didn't get it" and the more I tried to explain it, the more I realized that a) he was not actively trying to understand and be supportive, and b) no matter how I phrased it he just would never be able to "walk a mile in my shoes" and see why I wanted to search, etc. In regards to adoption, he just wasn't able to be supportive.

However, I can also see the downfall of two adopted persons having a relationship. If they are both struggling emotionally it could really take a toll on their relationship. On the other hand, ANY emotional issues ("baggage," if you will) can lead to turmoil in a relationship, so I suppose it doesn't matter what the issue is. I can't even imagine connecting with another adoptee in person (since I don't really know any other adoptees personally) let alone in a romantic sense!

The whole degrees of "needy" that susiesgirl brings up definitely rings a bell with me - I notice that I am "needy" in romantic relationships. If I got together with another "needy" person (adopted or not) it probably would not work too well, hehe.

See? THIS is precisely why I have sworn off dating.

[Girl at the Beach]

I'am 41 and I alawys thought I'd be married by this time in my life. But I have never been able to really trust anyone to be that close. I have protected me for a long time against being hurt by anyone else. It has not always worked ,but I still never gave anyone worth while a chance to get close because I just know they would leave. I picked bad as way to protect myself. Then would complain that they were not what I wanted. I have now come to realize you have to open up and risk begin hurt sometimes to help heal and move forward. So with baby steps I go out there to try again after years of being by myself. Wish me luck

Girl at the Beach

[adoptkoreablog]

Funny, it never occured to me to seek out other adoptees. I did not marry another adoptee. I went looking for someone who felt right - adoptee status didn't matter to me. I think it's interesting that some adoptees do seek other adoptees - it makes sense.

[alexkat84]

I am an adoptee and I'm married to someone who is not adopted. I never thought about whether or not the person I would be married to would be adopted or not.

[NJNative]

I had two adopted grandparents, have 4 adopted cousins, several adopted friends and none of them married anyone else who was adopted. I don't expect my son to, either.

[shiloblwe]

I married an adoptee. My husband was adopted when he was 18 months and I was adopted shortly after birth. When we started dating we did not know the other was adopted.. We realized that it was because of us both being adopted in part that we felt so connected to eachother and our familes (adoptive families) and one of the reasons we are both so passionate about having children of our own some day. I hope that helps answer your question.

Erica

[mlassi]

Interesting. I actually made sure that the person I married was not adopted and in no way could be a bio-relative as far as we could figure out. Like making sure his father hadnt lived in TX etc. His family has deep roots and maybe that was part of the draw....hmmmmmm
Mary

[mrjeff]

Thanks for your responses.


This was just something I had been thinking about.

mrjeff

[cindy2511]

Well here it is I agree that we adoptees know how each other fell because we have been there. And maybe it would work i don't know. I married a man that was one of seven childern. came from a loving fam. He was the middle child. And let me tell you they all know my story and all understand they listen and even help search. My hysband is a gift from god when i am going though the crying yes still i cry for somthing not sure what he is there when i tell him i have no one he understands that i don't mean him he knows i am talking about fam real fam. He is very suportive of my search and helps when he can. So i guess jeff If the person your with loves you for you then they understand and even do research on it. does any of this make sence to anyone.


CIndy

[carolynppk]

I have never dated anyone who was adopted or married anyone that was adopted for that matter (Been married twice, first husband passed away). I only know a handful of other adoptees. And while it is neat in that, "Wow, you are adopted, too?!!" I find that I have very little in common with many adoptees. I feel very secure in my adoption, see it as a blessing, have no regrets or wish that my bfamily had kept me, (although I love them to pieces). I think that having my first husband die and remarrying has made me realize that you can't live in "what if's" and "if only's" because chances are life wouldn't have been what you "dreamed" it would have been, The fantasy is always better than the reality. :0) I love having my husband, who isn't adopted, who puts a sense of normalcy and reason in when I get on the rollercoaster ride of reunion. He can tell me I am being illogical when I am off the page. He is what keeps me normal, I think if he were an adoptee he wouldn't have the perspective he has, it would be tainted by his own fears or insecurities he may have had from his adoption. My bmom married a man who was adopted. He had no desire to find his biological parents. I think this may have made her feel like most adoptees don't want to search. Her current husband said, "I knew she would find you." when I found her. He seems to be much more supportive of her and my reunion than her previous husband would have been. I think his adoption views would have affected our reunion. Of the handful of people I know that were adopted, my brother is the only person I personally know that married someone who was adopted and she was half adopted. She was with her bmom and her step father who adopted her, she always knew who her bdad was, so it isn't the same as me and my brother in a closed adoption. Interesting question, and bummer when I read the title I thought maybe there was another marriage proposal in there for me!!! LOL!!! Have a great day!

Carolyn