[healingfeeling]

hello friends,

I am so upset right now...

Most of you know my situation. Half adoptee, reunited with birthdad. My mother is pissed about it, etc., etc.

Well after not speaking to my mother for a month or so I wrote her a letter. It was actually a beautiful letter. I told her how much I love her and that I'm not trying to replace her and dad. I explained the adoption triad and that reality is that I have a bdad and an adad. I said I want her back in my life the way she was before reunion.

I got an email from her this morning that made my knees go weak.....

it said,

"I got your letter, it was another slice out of my heart" "mom"

at this point i can't take this anymore...she's totally trying to guilt me....or manipulate me or something...maybe my fiance is right and i just need to break free from her....

on top of all of this my neck is so stiff and painful I can't move my head at all and therefor haven't worked in 2 days....

please someone shed some light on this for me like i know you can...

[crick]

I'm so sorry your mom isn't more supportive! Or heck..if she can't be supportive, at least not put you through the guilt trip etc.!!

I don't have much advice, except...there comes a time in life where you have to live it for you. You can't please everyone or do everything according to their wishes. You can only do it for you. I'm not saying necessarily cut her out of your life entirely, but I am saying that after all the explanations you've given her, you've done what you can. She either accepts it, or she doesn't, but you can't control that. All you can really do is live life to make yourself happy.

Easier said than done...I know! (((HUGS)))

[MamaS]

I do not know your whole story, but is there bad history between your mother and Bf? If there was physical or emotional abuse, etc. then I could understand that she would see your "happy reunion" as siding with the "enemy" and also as implying that your Af was not "good enough". Is it necessary to tell your mother that you are in contact with, visiting, etc. your birth father? You are clearly a young adult -- could you not keep the relationships separate? Since she has made it very clear how she feels -- and she clearly does NOT want to be part of a triad -- don't punish are by insisting that she be happy for you. Just do what you think is right.

[healingfeeling]

You are clearly a young adult

mamaS, I'm 27 years old and live 3000 miles away from my parents.

My mother was 17 when she had me she dated my bdad for 5 years...when she started dating other people (when I was about 2) he became jealous and was mean to her...never physical. She broke up with him and never let him see me again.

I'm so sick of feeding into her "siding with the enemy" crap. And we hadn't spoke regularly since the beginning of March...so this letter was my attempt to break the silence. Live 2 seperate lives...obviously that's what i've been doing...the letter didn't say one thing about a happy reunion...it just explained how i miss her and love her...

and she clearly does NOT want to be part of a triad

i don't either! i was born into it! i'm not trying to invite him to her house or anything...i want her to stop being a jerk to me when i go home for a visit and go and see him or his family. I want her to stop calling me names and telling everyone I've ruined the family.

this morning when i wrote this post i was so upset and sad...now i'm just mad by what you have written.

[crick]

Healing...you know you don't have to take responsibility for your mom's comfort level in your life, although I imagine it's hard because on some level children tend to want to please their parents...even in adulthood.

I suspect whatever feelings your mom has about the reunion have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with your bfather. Which is her "right" but needs to keep that separate herself. It's not your problem or job to make her happy.

Mama - I'd understand your words a bit more if Healing was "flaunting" the reunion in her face etc. But as it is...it's not her responsibility to make sure her mom can deal with it. I doubt that I'll be completely happy if and when my kids meet their bio family again, but whatever feelings I have about the matter will be mine to own, kwim? As a mom...I hope I don't put them in a position where they have to choose, because it's not fair.

[whitmar]

healingfeeling, I'm sorry that your mom is doing this to you. My heart just broke when I read what she wrote in her email to you. You definitely have a right to be involved in your birthfather's life and your mother should NOT be trying to make you feel bad about this.

I am sending millions of hugs your way!!!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[b4truth]

my heart goes out to you...
have you and your mom discussed why this is such a big issue for her?
has she always been one to give you the silent treatment if you failed to follow her way?

if you had a good relationship with her prior to this, i would write her one more time, tell her you love her, you're sorry that she is hurt but that you hoped that she would share in this with you because she is not replaceable in your life...

i do understand your boyfriend's frustration with her BUT she is your mother. i don't think it serves any good purpose to cut her out. that being said,
i wouldn't put up with verbal abuse and i would state that to her clearly.

you might get married one day, have children of your own, and cutting her off leaves a legacy to your future family. a legacy of conditional love.

she probably loves you very much and thought of you as her daughter, period, and it hurts her to know that you think of her as a amom. as an amom myself, it would rip my heart out, but i know i would deal with it. maybe she can't deal with her emotions right now and time will heal her. i pray you share happy news with us one day soon about a successful reunion among all those who love you so much.

[healingfeeling]

b4truth :

thanks so much for your reply....she isn't my amom...she is my natural mother. i am half adopted.

thought of you as her daughter, period

but you're right...she always just considered me hers...as if it was an immaculate conception (not even trying to be funny here this is what she would say....you are MY daughter, not his).

whitmar: thanks for the hugs....i really needed that!

crick: you are right, her feelings are her feelings and i can't be responsible for them...but i hate that she is hurting and i hate even more that she is turning her feelings towards him into anger towards me.

luckily i have an appointment with my therapist today...but its also with my fiance and i'm not sure if i want to talk about this with him there.

[eastendmommy]

healingfeeling, I'm sorry that your Mom is putting you on this needless guilt trip, hon... WAY OUT OF LINE... Whatever her feelings are on the subject of your Bdad are just that... HER FEELINGS. Fact of the matter is... YOU would not be here if it weren't for your Bdad. He is EVERY BIT as much a part of your life as she is... and you haven't RUINED your family, hon... She's projecting all of that onto you...

My heart broke too, when I read her response in her e-mail to you... Whatever 'slices' are coming out of her heart are being placed there by HER, not YOU. You've done everything you could to put this back 'right' (not that there was anything 'wrong' there, hope you know what I'm trying to say!)... Ball's in her court now.

My family is TOXIC... took me YEARS to wrap my head around that one... I have severed ALL ties with my family at this point. I can't continue to let them suck the life right outta me any more... If... at some point... they change their ways of thinking, maybe something could be salvaged with them. If not, I am BETTER OFF without their guilt trips, condemnations, and outright calling me a liar than to have to maneuver around those things...

Good luck to you, hon! Why is it that some of our families have no idea what "unconditional love" means???

Sigh.


Many, many hugs to you! Tammi

[Baby Melissa]

Hi Healing...
OMG- I got an almost identical email from my a-mom back in March. It killed me. My amom made it seem like she was very supportive of my reunion w/ my bfamily, but then out of no where, she blind-sided me with an email that devastated me. My mom often lays on the guilt and says things like "am I your favorite mom?". That's like asking a mother which child is her favorite. Ugh- I wish you didn't have to feel this.

My only advice to you is to continue to live the two separate lives you've started to get used to. I agree- it's not fair. WE DID NOT CHOOSE THIS LIFE!! And by one of our parents denying that it exists, is DENYING WHO WE ARE: Adoptees! I told my amom, that she needs to accept that I am not her biological child, and that I didn't ask for this life. If she can't accept it, then it is an insult to me. And then I'd have to decide how much I want her in my life. My amom has come around for the most part, but she has her lapses. I bring up my bfamily only when I feel it's necessary but I also don't hide my relationship with them. For example, if I go to visit my bfamily, I will tell my afamily. NO MORE SECRETS. If she can't accept it, tough.
Remember- you did NOTHING wrong here. This is the life that was chosen for you. You're an adult, and from what I can see, you are making smart decisions. It is not up to you to ensure your mom's happiness.
Keep us posted and remember, that it's ok. You're not doing anything wrong. I have to remind myself of that daily!!
Take care,
Karen

[Sniffles]

I am so sorry that you mom is treating you this way. You do not deserve it. Sending you cyber hugs. (((((((((((Healingfeeling))))))))))

[irisheyes33]

No additional words of wisdom to add here...I am just SO sorry you are going through this, healingfeeling.

Tammi said it back there...you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for your bdad. He is a part of you...whether your mother likes it or not. You are an adult. You have every right to have this man in your life. He is your FATHER, for crying out loud. Just makes me wanna scream...

I think the only thing I can offer is support and

[healingfeeling]

I am soooooooo lucky to have all of your support...honestly I've exhausted all of my "in person" friends with this (maybe I haven't but feel that I have)...so it is a GODSEND to have you all!!!!


irisheyes

He is your FATHER, for crying out loud. Just makes me wanna scream...

my sentiments exactlyl.....crazy....my mother is italian catholic and as stubborn as they come....she's very closed minded and i'm not sure she'll ever look at me the same again.

sniffles: thanks so much for the hugs....i know you need them today too!!!

karen, you're right, we didn't chose this life...but as i've said before, we're the first generation of adoptees to really go public about reunion...so we bear a lot of pressure as to our decisions...although i believe they are good decisions.

tammi, you always make me feel better with your frank honesty....unconditional love IS what i'm looking for and not finding...

[shadow riderer]

Healing, I don't have anythng to add, but I am also sending hugs out to you. Hang in there.

[HBTrina]

Healing,

It made me sad to read the email from your mom. I don't understand why others that we love act this way. She is probably very hurt about the situation and this is her way to express her feelings.

I don't agree with the way that she has handled it. It is not your fault what happened in her relationship with your bdad. It was her relationship not yours. But some people have a hard realizing that.

It seems like our mom's have a special way of doing things that tear at our heart. I experienced a little of that from my amom when she was going through a divorce with from my adad.

But why do we still feel like the little kid? Even when we have our own life. Remember you have one life, so live it.

There are no easy answers.

Trina