[eastendmommy]

Hi. Thanks to any and all who take the time to read this and/or respond!

I am a Bmother who initiated the search. My 25 year old son was not looking for me. We have had a few phone conversations, he agreed to snail mail correspondence to get to know each other (he doesn't have a computer). I waited very patiently for that first letter with pictures to come... boy, was it well worth the wait!

In his first - and only - letter, he stated how much he appreciated letting him take this at his pace. He has been in possession of my second letter for several weeks now, and I have been hoping for something in return from him.

Thing is........ He only lives a little more than an hour's drive from me.......... I would've driven to meet him the day after our initial phone conversation, if it had been up to me!

My question to the adoptees is : should I continue to let him take this at his (snails!) pace, or should I try and set a little bit faster tone with him? Would it be pushy of me to ask him when he might be ready to meet with me?

I don't want to rock the boat... and some could feasibly argue 'if it's not broken, don't fix it!', but I'm beginning to worry about our lack of 'regular' communication.

He also said in his letter that he wasn't much of a talker, but nobody stays quiet in my presence for long! I could get tons of conversations started with him if I had the chance to meet him face to face!

Any advice on what I can do would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks, Tammi

[whitmar]

Hi Tammi,

Congratulations on your reunion with your son!

In terms of moving things along faster, maybe just give it a bit more time. If I had not initiated contact with my birthmother first, but she had found me first, I would hope that she would allow things to move along at my pace.

Maybe he's just trying to come to terms with what he wants in a relationship with you. I know that for me, I'm still trying to figure out what type of relationship I want. I had a mom....my adopted mom and she was great, but she has passed away now. I don't want someone to replace her, so that's where I stand now in terms of trying to figure out what I need from my birthmom.

Try to relax....enjoy life. If you haven't heard from him soon, send him another letter, or phone him.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[healingfeeling]

Hey Tammi

I was wondering how things were going for you...glad you posted.

anyway, it seems that males are a bit less intense on the reunion stuff as us ladies....(sorry for the generalization). When you wrote that you would drive up there that same night you talked I could sense your excitement and could relate, because that's how I felt too! We were the searchers though....if I had been randomly found I'm not sure how I would react....

I say send him a card with some more recent photos of you and your boys and say something about "hope you're having a good summer, your brothers are eager to meet you!" actually i just thought of something cute...could you take a pic of your kids holding a sign that says "Hi (and write his name on it or something)".

I'm rambling now...too much coffee!!!

let us know!

[crosssgirll]

Congatulations on finding your son, I can only hope that you both find what you need from each other. Did he know that he was adopted? Sorry if you have already answered this question elsewhere this is the first time I am reading anything from you. I agree that the "boys" are not as into all of this reunion stuff as we ladies are, but as for him not being much of a talker well writing a letter is really not talking now is it. I think having your boys holding a sign that says "Hi! ----, can't wait to meet you! is a great idea!

[cnb1099]

Tammi,

Coming from a 36 year old adoptee who was found by her birthfamily, I can say in my own case, i really needed that time to figure out what it was I wanted, where I wanted things to go and how this was about to upheave my entire life. I have parents, a husband, kids..it not only involves me, it is the whole family that is involved in this relationship.

A little over a month after being found I am in a good place now, my birthmother is a little slow on contact which drives me CRAZY but I understand. And giving me that little bit of space really helped. Things are going along slowly but like I was told by another wise member of this site..you need to take the time to build a solid foundation for your relationship to grow on." I wish you everything that you want out of your reunion!!! Hope this helped,



Hugs,




cnb1099

[BrockBaby]

As an adoptee I know personally I have felt so out of control in many areas concerning adoption, perhaps your son feels the same way. And having "control" over the reunion may be some unconcious response to having felt controlled by "adoption" in the past. You may ask, how one feels "controled by adoption"...well the whole thing of being adopted and not having a voice in the matter sometimes makes my life feel manipulated by social workers and the system in general. And yes I understand that no one gets to "pick their parents"...however, as a person who is adopted, the people who I was suppose to live with, who were suppose to parent me, whose blood and genes make up my being were not there and that left me feeling very disconnected. I absolutely love my parents and they are my parents...but I think you get my point.

My advice then, is to allow your son to have some control in this. Be there for him, let him know you are available, but let him set the pace right now. Some people can be very frightened by what SEEMS like someone pushing in. Give him time to work through his feelings and needs. I know that is is a difficult thing to have to do...but it might be what he needs. And in the end, that is what you are most concerned with, what will be best for him...afterall you love him and would probably do anything for him.

[irisheyes33]

Hi Tammi,

I would say a little "nudge" at this point wouldn't hurt...a letter, an email, whatever your comfort zone is...just to touch base and see how he is doing.

Though it's hard, I would definitely try and let him set the pace here. But a small "hello" from you probably wouldn't hurt.

Boy it must be tough though, having him only an hour away from you...sheesh!! I applaud your patience...and am hoping for a happy f2f before too long for you

[eastendmommy]

Hey!! Thank you for your responses!

I found him in February... we had a DNA test done in March... results were back by the first part of April.
He's 25, married, with a step daughter (who he's in the process of adopting...thought that was coming full circle!), and a full daughter. I sent a lengthy letter to him right after the DNA results came back, complete with a couple of dozen pictures of me and his half brother and sister. Took him awhile, but he finally responded with a short letter and pictures (that his Amom helped contribute to!) that took me all the way back to the day they brought him home.

I just needed to hear that it was okay to let him take this at his own pace. Some adoptees have expressed (on other threads) that they wanted the Bmom to take charge and set the pace for the reunion. I'm ready to meet him, but only if/when he's ready...otherwise, it wouldn't be good for the both of us.

I might be getting impatient...oh, how I hate the word "Patience"... but I don't want to ruin what we've started to develope by pushing him into something he's not ready for. Just knowing how close he lives makes me think of 'how it could be', but he is moving at a SNAILS pace!!!

I like the idea of the kids holding up a sign for him... could be worked in with something very funny... hmmmmmmmm!

Thanks for making me re-think the 'push' mode... I just needed to be reassured that this is 'Normal'... this impatience is something each one searching has to work on... We're ready, but the one being sought probably isn't yet!


By the way... when I went to my Library to check out the handbook on "How To Successfully Navigate Your Reunion"... it was nowhere to be found... Imagine that!!
(If only it was that easy!!!)

Thanks for your responses! I'll take more if I can get them!

Hugs, Tammi

[Caiden]

Hi Tammi,



Congratulations on finding your son. I am an adoptee who located my Bio-M. She searched for years and was not able to locate me.



I definitely think you are doing the right thing by allowing him to set the pace. I read in your post he included pictures in his letter to you, with the help of his amother. He may feel torn between wanting a relationship with you, but not want to hurt his aparents in the process. Send him a card or letter and let him know you are thinking of him. I wish you the best.

[snuffie]

I agree Tammi. The best reunions are the ones that are taken slowly. Emotions need to be worked through. Feelings dealt with.
You could send a little card to let him know that you are excited but will let him set the pace that he is comfortable with. Or something on that order.
Or just a card to let him know that you are thinking of him.
I am reunited with my bsibs and it took some longer than others to deal with the fact of having another sister.

Best wishes to you
Snuffie

[dpen6]

Hi TAmmy, ,

This is so common from what I have read...

maybe just a chatty type e-mail...so how the weather there type thing.....nothing to lovey dovy

So glad you have gotten this far!

[Scott2wlCody]

Input form a male 26 yr. old adoptee :

My situation was somewhat different; I grew up knowing BMom, just not until my teen years did I know her as such. We did get together the first time we saw each other after I knew (the following Christmas), and the relationship has been wonderful.

It has not been without it's emotional struggles; at first she thought I held some bad feelings against her (though I did not, nor do I today) and I have often wondered how to bring up questions (that I've yet to bring up). She doesn't force anything though (and at times that what I fear doing as I don't know the entirety of my first years)

So, yea us guys are tough to figure out. There are often a lot of emotions (positive or otherwise) attached to adoption and typically we already have a hard enough time navigating that area of our being. Give him the time he needs, but on the same token, make sure he knows you care (via the occasional card/letter/call until he's ready for the reunion). Hope this helps!

[JPDakota]

Hi, Tammy,
In my opinion, the young man has responded respectfully. That was good of him. From me the response would have been more like, "Thank you for your letter. I have no interest in any type of relationship. Please respect that."
We're all different, of course. I hope you find what you are looking for, but I hope you respect his wishes as well.
And please, folks, don't blast me. She asked for opinions.

[eastendmommy]

Hi JPDakota,

I wouldn't blast you... I did ask for opinions!

If, in his first letter, he had stated something to that effect, I most certainly would've respected his wishes. I said that to his Amom the first time we spoke on the phone, and I meant it. I was thrilled to get pictures of him, and could've died a happy woman for the first time in 26 years at that point...

But he did say that he would like to establish some form of relationship... to get to know me and his half siblings. I just wondered if I should nudge a little for more communication, or leave it entirely in his hands. His pace is (obviously!) MUCH slower than mine is!!

To Scott, Thank you very much for your input... That must've been hard finding out that a woman you had known your whole life was actually your Bmom. Wow... what a secret for many people to carry for many years. I would answer any question my Bson saw fit to ask me... all we have from the get-go is honesty, and I intend to build a foundation on that... brick by brick by brick!

Donna and Snuffie, thank you both for replying to me! I really value your input and suggestions! I wish he had a computer so I could send the occassional 'chatty' e-mail... no such luck! I will give it a little more time, and then send a (just-for-nothing) card in the mail.

Thanks to all of you for telling me to continue to let him set the pace. He told me that he appreciated that... I don't know why I was trying to sabatoge it! It's just that some adoptees express the wish that their Bmom would take more of an initiative... be more 'in charge'... and I get so confused as to whether or not I'm doing it right...

It's true... I am anxious to meet him... but I will not push for it, and will continue to allow him to move at his own pace. Who knows? By the time this is over, I just might have a degree in Patience yet!! Thanks to all of you!

Hugs, Tammi

[chris1965]

Perhaps he's simply sizing up his parent's reaction right now and may want to appear none too eager toward you out of repect for their feelings. Not that he's being disingenuous. But right now he's feeling put on the spot, expecially with a wife and kids, and needs a good grasp on this new situation that's now presented itself before moving forward. I feel you now have to allow him to really make the next move. I know that's not what you wanted to hear but nudging him wouldn't be wise right now. He has his reasons why he's not not making that step forward right now, but he will eventually.

Chris