[heartbeat]

Does anyone else find themselves angry, just furious for no apparent reason? I can be watching TV or using the computer and suddenly realize I'm so freakin pissed off. I don't know if there's a trigger I've missed picking up on when it happens or if it really is just out of the blue. I've got plenty of other reasons that anger might be stored away and leak out, but was wondering if any other adoptees experience that.

heartbeat

[UK Trace]

Yep I;ve experienced that too. Normally its masking another unlying feeling, like saddness or grief. I normally try and do some writing and let the tears flow, that normally helps.

[heartbeat]

hmmm...guess it's just you an' me UK Trace.

S'ok, I'm pissed off enough for everyone! LOL

Actually, I think it has much less to do with adoption and much more to do with infertility and my childhood. I was just curious one night as to whether others have anger blast them out of nowhere.

heartbeat

[ripples]

I soooo relate! The anger is real and boils in me at odd moments. I feel it's useful to embrace my anger and find ways to let it out in ways that don't hurt me or others, eg. cycling really hard and yelling. Or maybe visit a zoo and roar at the lions. Whatever it takes! Good for you for recognizing your emotions - I've heard that acknowledging one's feelings is a really important step forwards.

[UK Trace]

Heartbeat, I too suffered infertility. I felt that it was another smack in the mouth, fortunately I eventually fell pregnant after yrs of fertility treatment. Yes there are loads of reasons I feel angry but I know the anger just masks the true feelings. Anger comes before acceptence I've been told. Its an ok emotion! Its help protect us for so many years.

[crosssgirll]

I understand what you mean by anger just hitting out of the blue. I have had that happen to me for years. I have found certain things trigger it. Hallmark commercials are at the top of my list. Most people need a kleenex when one comes on, I need to hit something.

[susiesgirl]

i can understand your feeling angry. I have felt angry.. angry that my bmom didnt get to keep me, angry that my sibs got to stay...stuff like that..its hard.

[patti Daniels]

I am an amom and I don't find myself angry but sad. I started crying at work today for no reason. I cryed on and off throughout the day. My daughter did go visit her bgrandparents yesterday and her b half sister and half brother. I am happy she went to visit. I called her that night and she said she was having a good time. But, now I cry at work. Everyone asked what was wrong and all I could say was nothing is wrong. I couldn't wait to get on this site to see if there was some thread that addressed this. Well, I know you asked about anger but this was as close to what I was dealing with today.

Originally Posted by heartbeat

Does anyone else find themselves angry, just furious for no apparent reason? I can be watching TV or using the computer and suddenly realize I'm so freakin pissed off. I don't know if there's a trigger I've missed picking up on when it happens or if it really is just out of the blue. I've got plenty of other reasons that anger might be stored away and leak out, but was wondering if any other adoptees experience that.

heartbeat

[Girl at the Beach]

I have just learned of this site and part of the reason for looking for support is because I'm very angry and it's ruining my life. I can't keep making the same mistake anymore. The anger is sometimes overwheleming. It has cost me a lot of jobs in the past and now I have done it again. It just comes over me. Out of the blue sometimes and others for days at a time. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life angry. So I start my journey to release it. And I know I can't do it alone. I have spent most of my life alone not really trusting people trying to keep the past at bay. Well now it's come to ahead and I want to deal with it head on. Any ideas to deal with the day to day anger would be helpful. It's nice to not be alone.

[heartbeat]

Hi ripples - I love the visual of you roaring at the lions! One thing I tried several years ago that was extremely satisfying was to put a handful of pebbles, not rocks, into a coffee can or similar size can, put the lid back on, then take it outside and kick it until you feel better. Really kick it! I think 2 things make it so successful - we can make NOISE! That's why some people break glass, for the noise. The other thing is we can get as physical as we want. I did this when I lived in the country. If it's not an ideal situation where you are, drive to a huge parking lot and go to the area with no cars.

UKTrace, thank you for sharing that. Unfortunately, my infertility is a result of a birth defect, so there's no hope. I've no doubt there's anger about that, but I can't get the emotions to come out in therapy. The good news is that I recently found a couple of support groups specifically for my condition, and I believe that will help a lot.

crossgirll - as I age I find I have fewer triggers. Yeah, sappy stuff used to do it big time. And when I was in my teens and 20's my own tears in front of people pissed me off, and I was pissed off at the person who triggered them, too. Christmas pisses me off. In the past few years, it's more like free-floating anger. There are probably triggers that are too subtle for me to notice. I also have a ton of just silly anger..anger at objects that are in my way when I'm walking in my apartment. or if I fumble with a grocery bag 3 or 4 times before I get a grip. It's stupid and silly, but I get furious.

susiesgirl, that would be hard, being the one given away. I've seen it mentioned several times on this site. I have 4 halfsisters who stayed with my b-mom, but the situation was understandable since she was only 16 when she had me.

Hi patti - you're perfectly welcome to post about any emotions you have. I can completely relate to the sadness. I think mine's always been pretty strong. Often, like anger, it comes seemingly out of nowhere. Loss has been a big theme throughout my life. I'd bet there are a lot of a-parents here who are sad or feel other emotions when their kids visit b-relatives. {hug}

hi girl at the beach -

And I know I can't do it alone. I have spent most of my life alone not really trusting people trying to keep the past at bay.

wow, does that ever sound familiar! You sound strong, determined and level-headed. Brave too! I don't have much in the way of tips for handling anger at this point, but I hope to soon. One was the kick the can thing I mentioned. Personally, my anger scares me.

But I did read something a couple of years ago. For a long time it was believed that we had to BE angry, act it out, in order to get rid of it. Studies have been done that show the opposite and it makes sense. When I act out my anger, I'm reinforcing the body signals like clenched jaws and fists, tension in our necks, narrowed eyes, etc. All of those are natural bodily responses when we're angry. If instead, we force our jaw to relax and open a little bit, widen our eyes, straighten our fists, the message we're sending to our brain is - "I'm not angry! See? check out the bod...there aren't any of the usual indicators." We not only kind of trick our brains, but our bodies listen too and the heart that was racing and blood pumping hard soon calm down, and the result is less of an angry feeling. Makes sense in theory, but I've never tried it. Unfortunately, when I get angry I also get stubborn! LOL

Warmly, heartbeat

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by heartbeat

For a long time it was believed that we had to BE angry, act it out, in order to get rid of it. Studies have been done that show the opposite and it makes sense. When I act out my anger, I'm reinforcing the body signals like clenched jaws and fists, tension in our necks, narrowed eyes, etc. All of those are natural bodily responses when we're angry.

I very rarely get angry anymore. In exchange, I just get depressed and internalize it. I feel alot of times, that my anger is not doing anyone any good and that it is out there for everyone to see, and for me to regret later, so I've chosen to think about it and think about it, until I want to cry. Then I cry, then I release it. Much safer that way.

Wow. That is not what I intended to post. LOL. Rather, what I wanted to write is that whenever I DO allow myself to express my anger, it makes it that much easier to express anger over ridiculous things later. Does that make sense? I allow myself to get angry over something that I am, actually entitled to get angry over, and then the next time something rubs me the wrong way, it is much easier to again, react with anger. And anger is really destructive, in my opinion.

Huggs,

Raina

[truelife]

I'm new to this, but I feel the anger to. My other friends are always complaining about it. I have know clue where it comes from. I think I just keep to much pain in myself and when I can't take anymore, I REACT. I do understand what you mean though.

[heartbeat]

I think with anger, unlike other emotions, there's a fine line between expressing it and encouraging it. I'd guess that each person has to find that line and it's probably different in each person.

The discovery of new genes is a real eye-opener, especially ones controlling behavior, like violence and autism; or the gene that the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center discovered that predicts whether or not breast cancer will spread to the lungs and how serious the disease will be. I won't be surprised when they find one that controls how quickly we get angry, how intense it is, and how long it lasts. It might interact with the violence gene.

2 things I try to remember when I get angry:

Choose my battles - if I get angry over and fight everything that comes along, people stop taking me seriously, kind of like the boy who cried wolf. "yeah, yeah, that's just her *****ing again. Just ignore her."

Cher's mom gave her advice once - to ask herself, will this thing I'm so angry about matter in 5 years? in 1 yr? in 6 months? next week? tomorrow?

if I DO allow myself to express my anger, it makes it that much easier to express anger over ridiculous things later. Does that make sense?

Sure does! Might have something to do with those pathways in our brains. If I walk through the woods for the first time, it's grown up and I have to find my way, avoiding tree roots and stuff. If I've gone the same way 20 times, the path is clearer and packed down, making it much easier and faster to reach my destination.

My control over new anger has gotten better over the years, and the number of things that make me angry in the first place has gotten smaller. But I still have a significant amount of old, never expressed anger.

Peace,

heartbeat

[UK Trace]

I feel angry right now! angry that I can't find words for what I'm angry about and I want to make someone else hurt! I know thats mean but I suppose I want to remove the hurt from me and give it to someone else!

Actually just writing this has helped give me the words! I am hurting and I want it to STOP!

[heartbeat]

I feel angry right now! angry that I can't find words for what I'm angry about and I want to make someone else hurt!

I know the feeling. Sometimes I'm totally enraged and don't really know why - I'm guessing it's old stuff. At those times I know it would help me to write it out, to a forum or even just to myself. But every time I've tried to, my fingers just go flying across the keyboard at the speed of sound, and I find what I really want to do is pound the heck out of it! When I finally look at what I've typed, it's meaningless jibberish. Also during that time, if I try to mentally verbalize and talk to myself about why I'm angry, no words come to mind - only screams and noises and cusswords.

I'm glad you were able to type something in and that it helped.

Warmly, heartbeat