[33&found]

I would really appreciate some advice. I always knew I was adopted. My b-aunt (b-father's sister)and her husband raised me. I had little contact with my b-father growing up, but when I became an adult we became very close. He died about 10 years ago. I also had brief limited contact (letters and phone calls) with my b-mom as a pre-teen and then she vanished. I wondered for years what happened to her. After my b-dad died I looked for my b-mom and found nothing. I assumed she was dead. I greived and moved on with my life. Well 2 years ago my b-mom found me. We talked on the phone and I went cross country to see her. I did NOT have that blinding moment of bonding, but I did want to know her. But we have nothing but genetics in common. Emotionally I can't go back, I buried her in my heart when I thought she was dead. But I do care about her as a person and want my son to know ALL of his family. She came to see me last summer and it did not go well. At the time I had 3 jobs just to make ends meet and did not have an abundance of time to spend with her and keep my bills paid. She is a stranger to me and not someone I would necessarily choose as a friend. We are just so different. But I still do want to know her . But now she wants no contact, I am a "distraction" to her life path.
Ok Here is the Question...Is there no middle ground -must it be all or nothing? I will never call my b-mom "mom" it just isn't in me, I have a mom and my a-mom and I are very close but I would like to at least be able to email or talk once in awhile with my b-mom, keep the lines of communication open. Give the relationship a chance. I can't give her the mommy connection so now I am once again shrugged off. How can I find some compromise? I welcome any and all suggestions. Thank you.

[heartbeat]

How can I find some compromise?

I'm not sure there can be. I don't know her so obviously don't know what's going on in her head - she could be cold and uncaring about a real relationship with you, or she could be hurting and out of immaturity, wants you to 'fix' her and heal the pain she had in giving you up, or any number of other possibilities.

In reading your post, it occurred to me that in situations where the b-mom and b-dad didn't stay together, it kind of makes sense that we'd like and bond with one, but not necessarily the other. If they didn't find qualities in each other that made them love each other and stay together, they might be quite different and not have much in common.

I have a couple of thoughts - one is that if she's not someone you'd necessarily choose for a friend, then maybe you ought to let her go and find peace within, knowing you found her and met with her a few times. Kind of like boyfriends we meet but come to realize we don't want to be with forever. You can share knowledge of her with your son, rather than having a blank spot where she should be. The other thought I had is that you could continue writing to her, not about anything heavy, just keeping up-to-date, newsy types of things. If you choose that route, you'd need to be prepared for the chance that that's all it will ever be - one-sided, never consumated, and be aware that it's a choice you're making and not get angry or blame her and feel hurt. It sounds like she's said what she wants - only she can be sure whether she fully means it. If you chose to do that, you could simply start an email something like this: "I know that you've told me where you stand, but I'd like to write you now and then for my own peace of mind. It's just something I want to do, with no pressure on you to respond now or in the future. Of course, you're free to delete them unread, or read them and not reply, or even write back someday - but that's up to you, your choice whatever you do." If you do that, you'll need to stand by your word and not pressure her or she may feel tricked.

The fact that she looked for and found you tells me she hoped for something at one time. Adoptees aren't the only ones with dreams and hopes for a reunion. It makes sense that b-moms have little fantasies about how the reunion will go, too. Maybe both of you were both a little disappointed with the reunion results. But that doesn't mean there can't be a relationship built on simply becoming friends and appreciating each other and accepting what each has to offer.

I hope something in that helps you. I'm really glad that you and your b-dad became close.

Warmly, heartbeat