[Cmara]

Just wanted to throw this topic out into the void and see if anyone else can relate? Have been in a reunion with birth aunt and 4 bsiblings since October. I was never fortunate enough to meet my bmom. She passed away earlier last year. I feel that I have really started to open up about my feelings with the b-aunt. She is an awesome person. I do feel that I can trust her. That being said: Have any of you really started to open up to a certain memeber of your bfamily only to have total regret after?

I feel that we briefly went through the "honeymoon" phase of the reunion. Everyone met me. Now I question some as to if they really want to know me or not????

Now, at this phase, I wonder if they really know me, or if I just put on the "mask" so that they would like me
Aside from that are all the "feelings" that have crept up from childhood since the reunion....rejection, anxiety, perfectionism, abandonment etc. The biggest factor is that I never got to hug my mom, have a converstaion with her, tell her I love her.

I have started to open up to b-aunt about these things. She is quick to be helpful, but I always feel regret after I tell her things. I really don't want to scare her away, but she has told me I could tell her anything. That would take a miracle, but maybe some day I will.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have enough "fake" relationships in my life. This time I want to do it right. But, I feel that I really want them to know me......imperfections and all. I don't want to create some big drama, but to me it seems like their main objective was to find this daughter that their mother had given up. Now that they have found me I fear that for some the interest is gone. From others who take the time to email, call or get together I sense that it's like any other family get together. The same things would be going on whether I was there or not. Am I making sense?

I guess I need to ask for more depth. Maybe they are nervous to bring up things from the past. I just want things to go a bit deeper than the normal chit-chat.

Anyone relate or have advice???????
Thanks!!

[Emily358]

I can definitely relate to the fake relationships--I've got plenty!

As for opening up to bfam, I've had one horrific experience (bmom) and one terrific one (bdad).

As I look back on those and on friendsships which have succeeded or failed, I think the difference is taking time and not jumping in and going with what feels comfortable.

If you feel comfortable with b-aunt, great. If not, then maybe try slowing down a bit.

Even when things are great, though, it's hard to trust a bfamily member, isn't it? I'm still always afraid bdad is going to leave, which at this point is irrational.

[Cmara]

Thanks Emily for the reply. I think you are right. It's all a matter of how comfortable you are. I guess I would be comfortable in sharing more, but am uncomfortable with how info would be received. Perhaps it's just a "patience" thing. I waited this long to be reunited. Good relationships take time and trust to build.

I think I always wonder if what I am saying to her gets back to everyone. Then when I see everyone I am wondering if they know this or that. That is where the trust comes into play.

[heartbeat]

Hi Cmara,

I have the same problem with pretty much everyone. How much to reveal, do they wish I'd shut up, are they shocked that I'm opening up, am I going to scare them off with my intensity.

Your family reminds me somewhat of my ex in-laws. As time passed, I realized they were just laid back people; their lives had little to no drama or excitement, and if it did occur, it died down quickly. (that sounded bad, I just meant they weren't high-intensity people, and I always have been) I'd tell them some news that blew my mind, and they be excited for maybe 15-20 minutes, then it was back to cooking dinner and watching news. I was offended and hurt and felt stupid for a long time, until I saw them being the same way with everyone. I eventually found comfort with them. I experienced stability for the first time and felt safe. I often wished they were my parents instead of my a-parents. We always lived out of state, and I grew to look forward to visits at their home precisely because of the feeling of calm.

As for opening up, I'd suggest trying to get in touch with your feelings - if on a particular day you're feeling extra worried about what they think of you, examine the past few days in your life. Is/was there something at work making you feel insecure? Is it a time of the month when you feel like a blimp? Did a friend not return your call yet? Things that have nothing to do with your bfamily could be interfereing with your feelings and kind of bleeding over to them.

Warmly, heartbeat

[snuffie]

Hi Cmara,
My bmom passed away before I found her too. That is one of the biggest regrets of my life. My reunion is with my bsibs.
I am a very private person and it has always been difficult for me to open up to people. I am not used to it. But it does become a burden to try to put on a "perfect" face to everyone. I think it depends on your level of comfort with your baunt. I think going slowly is the best way to form relationships.

Your bsibs may be going through a lot of emotions of their own if your mom has passed away recently.
Then, too, their own lives may be getting in the way. We all have times when we are drowning in everyday life.

I think I would give it all time to unfold. Just be yourself. And try (and this is very hard) not to even guess what they are thinking. I know everytime I've tried it, I've been all wrong. Sometimes it helps to get busy with other things so that I don't obsess. And Heartbeat had great ideas too. The insecurity may be coming from other things in our lives too.

Best wishes to you!

Hugs
Snuffie

[Cmara]

Thanks Heartbeat and Snuffie, I think you are both right. I do have a tendancy to let one area bleed into another. I know what you mean about the inlaws. Mine are very calm, and I always feel better when around them too. My family growing up was anything but calm. And Snuffie, you are very right about the guessing what others are thinking game........very rarely are we right about that.

I need to let people be who they are. I think sometimes we expect everyone around us to handle situations they same way we would. Not true. This has just been a rough couple of months with Mother's Day and my birthday passing for the first time since reunion.....and no birth mother to share it with like I had dreamed of for so long.

[wilted rose]

Hi Cmara, what I'm hearing is perhaps your desire for emotional intimacy. I experienced this after reuniting with my bfamily. I think for alot of us adoptees there is a yearning to reconnect and perhaps gain what was lost. The need to feel close to say "I love you", give or receive a hug, a sort of emotional cementing. I think those feelings are completely natural; synchronizing those needs with our loved ones is the challenge. We don't want to come on too strong and risk the relationships we're forming. For me I handled it by taking cues from my bfamily; their body language, facial expressions, etc. and when it felt right I was able to reveal and share more of myself, be it a deeper conversation, or an emotional exchange. Having said that I'm lableled as the mushy one in my bfamily, and I've been known to steal a few hugs from the ones who are less likely to approach me first.
Hugs,
Rose

[Cmara]

Hey Rose, why is it you always seem to say exactly what I mean?
The "emotional cementing" is exactly what I am looking for. In my afamily I have 3 siblings. We are anything but close. In fact, no one has seen or talked to my sister in about 6 years. She was reunited with her bfamily about 7 years ago, and in addition to other family issues she wants nothing to do with us. This may not come out right, but even though I am the youngest in my afamily, I have always been the "strong" one, the "good" one. I think because of that I have never been able to go to them with any type of problem or emotional crisis. I wouldn't ever want them to think there was something that I couldn't handle (I know it sounds weird, because obvioulsy we all have problems). I guess I needed to be the child that would never cause my aparents any additional grief being that the other 3 overflowed the pot in that area. I guess I am trying to say that growing up there was never an "emotional cementing" and it has been something I always dreamed of having with my bfamily.

In my reunion, I have 4 bbrothers. Ok, number one, they are all men and we know that typically men don't really share feelings, number two, they are as Heartbeat said,"laidback and low intensity" people. I was reading into that as they really aren't interested, but now I know that's not true. This all takes time! Thanks Rose for always saying the right thing!

[wilted rose]

If it's any consolation, my older bbrother, sixteen years my senior is the one I feel most emotionally connected with, but our reconnection was slow and steady. I wouldn't trade him for the world!
Rose

[snuffie]

Rose, you really do have wonderful insight.

I really want that "emotional cement" too. It's hard. Even after being in reunion for 5 years, if one of my bsibs doesn't say "Love ya" at the end of a conversation, I have a panic attack. I want to feel that bond that family feels. After thinking about it though, I'm realizing that I have become just "one of the family" and they treat me as they do the others. So I guess that is a form of "emotional bonding" too.
Snuffie

[irisheyes33]

Yep, that emotional bonding/cementing/connecting thing seems to be what we all desire, but we are so afraid of putting ourselves "out there" to do it. I bet our bfamilies are afraid as well, to some degree. I've been in reunion a little over a year, and my relationship started with my baunt (my bmom was reluctant to reunite for a while). So I developed this really intense, close, spill-your-guts relationship with my aunt, and then worried that because I put all my insecurities out there and she knew about all my issues (which, by comparison to many people I know, are really not that big of a deal) that I would never have a chance with any of them for holding onto a long-term relationship.

My bmom and I have an even more intense relationship now, and it makes me even more insecure because I feel like I would really die without her. I think as adoptees we already have a fear in trusting of the permanence of any relationship. So the more we let loose, the less protetcted we are...and then the massive paranoia kicks in

That was really good advice back there...try really hard not to imagine what the other person is thinking. But yeah...that's SO hard to do!!

[Cmara]

It's nice to hear that others desire the same things. I think it's difficult to be so vulnarable. A lot of the issues we adoptee's have may never even cross the minds of other b family members. And even more so, the intensity of these issues/feelings. I know/hope they will lessen over time, as I grow with these new relationships.

[susiesgirl]

i agree that when i found my bfamily i looked for ways to *get back what i lost* or i try to cement the relationship with i love yous hugs etc.
i am lucky that with my family it sint a fake relationship... they love me for me..i am so thankful for that..

[Cmara]

Okay, so I was a little more brave today and opened up a bit more to my b aunt in an email. We are having a get together next weekend and I am having a bit of anxiety about it....feeling overwhelmed. I told her this and she questioned me as to why....was it her....was it the rest of the family??? I told her it was not anyone, but rather, the situation and just feeling overcome with many feelings lately.
Here's the story. About 10 months ago, I was off to my first meeting with b aunt and b brother. At the time it had not been confirmed that we were a match, but we had a good hunch. I was suppose to be meeting the neighbors at Caribou, and when I wasn't there one of my friends told all where I was and what I was doing. Another friend at the coffee, was also adopted. And another asked her if she ever had the desire to find her b mom. She said "not really". After the coffee one of the friends (who is really into geneology) went on the internet and within 20 minutes found this friends b mom and that she was looking for her daughter. 2 hours later they were talking on the phone and sending photos of one another via email. My b mom passed away about 8 months before I was reunited with other b family. While I was thrilled for my friend, and I was thrilled to meet b brother and b aunt, I was devestated that I would never meet my b mom.
I had always dreamed that one day we would meet and all would be just as it should be. That the first Mother's Day and my first birthday after the reunion would be the best. On Mother's Day this year I planted Roses in memory of the mom I would never meet. And on my birhtday last week I sat and talked to the roses. My friend who has a bday 2 days before mine was talking about how her b mom sent her a beautiful message and that they would be spending a week together in July. Am I happy for her? Absolutly. Am I a bit bitter? Yes.
I am so lucky, however, to have this birth aunt to talk to. She never judges and always has something to say to make me feel better. As I stated earlier I always regret saying these things to her when I am done, but I just wanted her to know where I am at right now. That all these "firsts" after a reunion have been so difficult. She says she is glad that I feel I can open up to her. I just need to get over the hump here.
Sorry if a bit long winded, but needed to be said. Thanks!

[wilted rose]

Cmara, I never had the opportunity to reunite with my bdad,or a bbrother who both passed away over twenty years ago. About a year after reuniting with my bMom and bsiblings I decided I needed some closure as painful as it was. I asked my older bbrother to take me to their gravesites, I had brought each a long stemmed red rose intertwined with baby's breath and simply placed it on their resting place, we all grieved, time stood still only for a moment in the world...
Grieve your losses, lick your wounds and carry on, your bAunt sounds like such a gem.
Hugs,
Rose