[JDKT]

It is late so I am going to make this brief but desperately need opinions, advice, or help. My father was born July 29, 1954 and taken to adoptive parents home on August 2, 1954. My father's health is not good, and I am trying to help him at least get a medical history, he would also like to try and actually know their ages, names etc of his birth family. Whenever my father would ask his mother for any kind of information she would tell him it is none of his business. She also burned all the records that she had concerning the adoption. Anytime (she is dead now) someone would ask anything about it she would get horribly defensive to the point of violent. I have spent my whole life watching my father wonder who he really is, listening to comments like "I don't know who I am etc".
I'm just getting ready to start law school, and have gotten much information since then, but I still need some help. There are so many secrets behind this adoption, and it's frustrating. I want to help him, I feel that my siblings and I have as much a right to the medical information as my father does. I'm going full speed to obtain all the information I can.

SOrry if I'm rambling I'm sleepy as can be.

I was just wondering what all your opinions were on the fact that I am helping my father who was adopted? Say I find his mother and as a protective measure (if she is alive) contact her and see what she is like any tips? I just feel like I am close, but not too close yet. I really could use any advice. If you would like to know what info I have that makes me think I might be close, send me a message.

[kune]

Jen
Searching for your father's parents is great (in my opinion) .....as long as he is in agreement, and you tread very carefully on his, his sisters, and possibly his mother's life. He was born in an era that had different values so I suggest you read as much as you can about the societal norms of the 1950's and 1960's.

I also suggest that contact be made (if you have the correct information) in the least invasive way. I'm almost the same age as your father, and have an 85 yr old mother. I don't believe a telephone is the best means of contact. Write a letter - it allows the receiver some time to digest the information and to formulate a reply whereas a phone call is a shock and you need to respond immediately.
If you have the information you feel is correct, do it now. The sooner the better. If it will help your father, I am sure his birthmother will want to help. And....you are running out of time.

And with your father's blessing, remember that you need to stand in your own reality. If you are the instigator of this search and reunion, you need to be prepared to stand by your father over the month's it will take to come to terms with his birth story - the why and the who and the "what do I do now". There's a responsibility that comes with searching - and your family will need your help not only in the finding, but also in what will unfold.

I'm not for one minute suggesting that you shouldn't do it - I've had a totally positive expereience with being reacquainted with my 30+yr old son and would recommend everyone who has a need, to work towards a reunion. But it's not always plain sailing. It can be very stressful and maybe something that will take it's toll on your father's health.

I wish you and your family every success. It's an amazing journey for those who dare to go there.

Ann

[snuffie]

Hi,
I am a reunited adoptee who can relate to what your father has felt all of his life. In my own case knowing is so much better than not knowing and this holds true no matter what I would have found.
Ann is right though. It is very good to be prepared for any eventuality and even in the happiest circumstances reunion is extremely emotional and stressful. There are some wonderful books about reunions and also written from the standpoint of bmoms too. It may help to read some of them.

I agree, a letter is usually the best way to make first contact as it give the recipient time to absorb information and get over the "shock".

It also may be a good idea to sit down with your dad and ask him what he would like you to do. Find out if he is prepared for a "rejection" or not finding things are how he would wish them to be.

What a wonderful daughter you are to want to help your father. I wish you much luck and happiness.

snuffie

[JDKT]

Thank you both so much!! What are your thoughts if I do get the judge to open the records (my gut tells me she is alive) and write her a letter of sending her photos of my dad from baby to now,and of us grandkids etc? With a little bit of info about each of us. And end the letter with "neither my father nor I hold anything against you for the reasoning behind the decision, but it would be nice if we could have some sort of relationship with you. My family is well, and although I may never meet you I have always loved you. I guess you could say my father and I both wondered if you were "wishing upon that same bright star". Please don't be upset by this letter, I am just wanting to let you have some idea of what he/us look like etc., and some of our characteristics. I.E. my dad is very very musically inclined.

[kune]

Your letter is good. The photos included will make it wonderful.

I remembered what it was like when I got my 1st letter. I could feel my heart pumping, couldn't breathe, didn't believe what I was holding in my hand, and then this huge bubble burst and I was in 7th heaven. Scared, excited, mind going 100mph and I don't think anything else made sense that day. What a moment!!!!

Ann

[bromanchik]

What state was he born in? There are a few states where he might be able to obtain his Original Birth Certificate. There are also quite a few sttes that have confidential intermediaries.. people who will access the information and contact the birthfamily.

[JDKT]

he was born in indiana

[snuffie]

Hi!

Oh, it is all sooo exciting. I hope that things turn out just the way you want them to.

One thought I had while reading about the letter you plan on writing is that I think a couple of pictures to start with would be wonderful. Kind of make it more "real" But I wonder if sending pictures of your dad from baby on might be too much for a first letter. Kind of overwhelming? Just a thought I had.

Best wishes.

Snuffie

[JDKT]

yeah I think things are moving along nicely, I worked on some legal stuff I had to do today, for the state of Indiana, so I'll be mailing that out tomorrow. My father has also given my POA to go ahead and do anything that needs to be done on his behalf. I'm just the girl to do this. Good thing he ended up with a daughter that's in law school.