[Nicole28]

This is my big question: how do you reach a place where you accept yourself and love yourself 100%?

I was watching a TV show and a young woman who was fighting with her boyfriend made the following statement, which really struck a chord with me: "I love him, but I love myself more." I wondered, how did she get there? What did she go through to be able to say that?

I guess my problem is finding a way to accept who I am and love myself enough to make choices that are 100% right for ME instead of compromising my feelings and putting someone else first even when I know it will hurt me in the end. I'm not speaking specifically of adoption-related issues; it seems like a pattern in my life in general.

My question is - how did you all "get there" and begin to love yourself unconditionally and put yourself first? I feel like I may just have to wait it out and eventually it'll happen...very frustrating.

Perhaps it's a "being in your 20's" thing, but it just seems like I'm not making any progress as far as this is concerned.

I am not even sure I am making complete sense hehe - but I tried to verbalize this as best I could. You should all understand my jibberish by now anyway!

Nicole

[crosssgirll]

Nicole;

I think I know what you are saying and I might have some advice to give you. It is not a matter of getting there, it is a matter of putting yourself there. As a forty-something female I found that I HAD to do this for myself.

It is a matter of putting yourself first and finding it in yourself to stop being the "good girl" that you have been told your whole life that you must be. Putting yourself first in hard but the results are oh so good. Stop letting people tell you what to do, who to like, talk to, associate with, be nice to, and on and on. Is there tension in your life? Someone who you associate with that you wish you did not have to? For me it was my adopted father. He treated me like so much trash when I was growing up that I wished I never had to see him again. I put myself through hell because I thought that it was what a good girl-daughter did. But you know what? He was not a good father so I divorced myself from him and sent him an unfathers day card years ago. I have not spoken to or seen him since.

[Nicole28]

WOW - you made me cry. But in a GOOD way.

What you said - "you have to put yourself there" - is so true, and I know this, deep down. I feel like maybe I can "put myself there" now that you've given me a little push.

Thank you for your comment - your words have meant so much to me.

Nicole

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by crosssgirll

I think I know what you are saying and I might have some advice to give you. It is not a matter of getting there, it is a matter of putting yourself there. As a forty-something female I found that I HAD to do this for myself.

It is a matter of putting yourself first and finding it in yourself to stop being the "good girl" that you have been told your whole life that you must be. Putting yourself first in hard but the results are oh so good. Stop letting people tell you what to do, who to like, talk to, associate with, be nice to, and on and on. Is there tension in your life? Someone who you associate with that you wish you did not have to? For me it was my adopted father. He treated me like so much trash when I was growing up that I wished I never had to see him again. I put myself through hell because I thought that it was what a good girl-daughter did. But you know what? He was not a good father so I divorced myself from him and sent him an unfathers day card years ago. I have not spoken to or seen him since.

I am nearing 40, so maybe it will come to me soon enough, but, I have to ask, HOW do you allow you to love you?

I am OH SO CLOSE to being there myself, but it's more about work relationships than personal. I am gradually learning how to listen to someone's feelings about something or someone without taking on those feelings myself. Sometimes you want so much for others to like you, that you follow their lead. Does that make sense?

But as far as personal relationships, I don't know how to put myself first. My amom is the most toxic person IN my personal life, but I don't know how to tell her to "knock it off" "cool it" or anything else.

Do you, or anyone else have any advice on how to deal with toxic people in your personal life?

Raina

[snuffie]

I just read an article on what's called "sponging". It's taking other peoples attitudes or problems on as our own. I think it is difficult not to be affected by people when we are talking with them, listening to their problems etc. and it is easy to feel that we have to somehow "fix" it for them. But that puts an awful burden on us.
I think I realized after I had a stroke that I had to put ME first and it helps to think to myself "who owns this problem?" The answer most of the time is the person I'm talking to. I can try to give options for them but in the end they have to solve it for themself.
It takes small steps to love oneself, I think although it seems easier for some than others. I try to remind myself of the good things I've done or things I've accomplished that I'm proud of. It is definitely a work in progress and doesn't happen all of a sudden.

As for toxic people, I've found it helps to try not to be dragged into their dramas. To decide how I feel about something and then repeat it over and over in a firm way to them.

Snuffie

[crosssgirll]

Snuffle, WOW great response, so insightful! As for you Raina, "how do you get there"? I found that when I realized that the only person that was really going to care about what I thought, felt and found most important was the same person that I saw every morning in the mirror, I made a decision to put that person first. When I realized that the toxic people in my life were having a negative effect on me and in turn on my children, I knew that I had to divorce myself from them. Now I am not saying that I do not deal with the same people that I always did just not their negativity. My adopted father, I will never speak to again. But there are friends and co-workers that I could not lose so easily. I could however let them know that I would not be pulled into their dramas. And I have found that they respect me for that. Of course there have been slip ups, but not many. You feel that you have to take whatever your amom dishes out and I fully understand that. But you do not have to do that. Just remind yourself that you are now an adult and as such you make your own decisions. It may help to write that down and tape it to your mirror, that way you will see it everymorning. "I am special, I matter, I do not have to deal with others negativity, I am my own best friend."

[heartbeat]

This is my big question: how do you reach a place where you accept yourself and love yourself 100%?

When you find out, drop me a line, k?

Seriously tho, I'm doing much better. I treated myself horribly most of my life and didn't really care. If even half of my parents messages were true, I didn't deserve anything. Actually, I take that back; there was only one message, but they had different ways of transmitting it - you're not good enough. And life itself deals its own blows. Add to that stuff like bipolar disorder, ADD, paranoid personality disorder and an addiction to addictions and its not a total surprise that there was very little I liked about me, forget loved. For too many years to count, when someone would make me do that thing where you have to say good things about yourself, I hated it! And all I could come up with was I have a nice smile and pretty eyes. And somehow, somewhere it was so deeply embedded in me that if you say good things about yourself you're bragging, that I felt bad saying that much. I still really don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable, but I can come up with more now.

There have been a few periods of 1-2-3 months when I liked myself - maybe I should say I didn't dislike myself. I quit drugs in 1987, and I quit drinking a fifth a day about a yr and a half ago - that by itself has helped simply because of how it screwed with my brain chemicals. But it's also helping with progress in therapy. Because of the depths to which I believed negative things about myself, and the length of time it went on, I think I'll probably always have to work at liking me - and I haven't gotten to the loving me part yet. But at least it won't (hopefully) be the struggle it has been, with few if any results.

It's kind of sad...I'll be writing a friend and taking about an improvement I've made, or a startling change, and I suddenly feel funny. I figured out the other day what it was. It's anxiety. And I feel it because I'm waiting for the friend to write back, laughing, and saying "who do you think you're kidding?! You're still the loser you always were and always will be!" No one's ever really said that to me that I remember, but I've said it to myself probably thousands of times in my life, based on my beliefs about myself.

But, no matter what shape I end up in, it'll be better than I've been in the past.

Warmly, heartbeat

[UK Trace]

Man oh man, how many off us adoptee;s have trouble with addictions and mood disorders? it;s so sad its almost funny. I mean come on isn't it plainly obvious that when a child is concieved and reared in its "world" the womb, and then taken and raised by another its whole "world" is then sent into a free fall that never seems to really end. I think I've spent all my life internalising that first abandoment and continuing to abandon myself on a daily basis. There is another me fighting to be heard inside, the "me" that was their at conception, that spritual me, I don't want to be anyones plaster, I want that "me" back again, I know your in there! Its time to stop hiding and come out, its time to stop walking on eggshells and be yourself. I love you enought to want to know you NOW! I want to treat you with the respect and love you deserve! I've kept myself alien from you for too long, now is the time to be reunited.

AArrrrr that feels better

[heartbeat]

I've kept myself alien from you for too long, now is the time to be reunited.

You sure told you, huh! LOL

As far as addictions and psych problems, there's a strong genetic component. If my adopted life had been better I may not have had the addictions to the extent I did, or if my afolks hadn't built such a ritual around their evening drink before dinner. I'd still have manic-depression tho because it's a chemical imbalance. Might not have developed ADD.

As for feelings of abandonment, I think mine came about because at birth I went to live with a foster family. They had 5 teenagers who, based on social worker reports, really had fun with me and I with them. I was adopted at 13 months, so I figure I was probably pretty attached when I had to go to my new home. In reading papers, I know that the social worker told my afolks that when they were going to come get me, to plan on spending 'some time' in that town so I'd have some time to adjust. So at least they were thnking of that back then.

Warmly, heartbeat

[Nicole28]

"Sponging" - -> PERFECT! That's what I am - a sponge for other people's awful moods. I DON'T WANNA BE A SPONGE ANYMORE hehe.

Today I decided something: I am going to LET GO of this relationship and all the negative feelings that go with it. I am doing this for ME, not anyone else. Now I need to love ME enough to hold ME accountable and stick with this promise.

Last night I went out with some friends - I had a couple of drinks, but mostly I was excited to just go out on the dance floor in front of a bunch of people I didn't know (and would never see again) and let loose. I did, and it felt liberating.

Maaaaaybe I'm making some sloooow progress

[heartbeat]

Hi Nicole,

I am doing this for ME, not anyone else. Now I need to love ME enough to hold ME accountable and stick with this promise.

When I was trying to stop drinking, I joined an online sobriety group. At one point a friend of mine emailed me asking for advice about some issue. After talking about pros and cons, she ended with, "If I were my friend, what would I tell myself?" A couple of days later I asked her if I could use her line in a post to the group. With her ok, I came up with this letter. What you said brought this out of my dusty, cobwebby memory storage and I thought maybe it might help or give you something to think about. I have to confess - I'm still not a very good friend to me, but I haven't given up either.

Take what works and leave the rest.


"If I were my friend, what would I tell myself?"

That's a line I recently got in a pvt post. It really hit home with me. It got me to thinking about what kind of role my Very Best Friend would play in my life...what they would do and say.

My friend would love me, no matter what. She would be compassionate. Sometimes she would just listen to my pain and hear my dreams. She'd gently confront my bs. She'd be angry if she saw me hurting myself, and would let me know how she felt. She'd encourage me when my life was tough, and rejoice with me in celebration of good days. She'd tell me to cry and let it all out when I needed to. She'd suggest things to comfort me when I needed mothering. She'd ask if I were doing everything I could to help myself when I start spiraling down into depression.

She'd remind me to eat healthy (not just well), to get some exersize and enough sleep, and to take my meds. She'd help me remember what things have been effective in reducing stress in the past, and prod me to do them again. She'd urge me to invite other friends into my life, since she can't bear the full responsibility of being everything to me by herself. When Little Beast is yakking in my ear that he wants a drink, she'd tell him to shut up and help me find ways to get beyond the urge to give up and in.

"If I were my friend, what would I tell myself?"

That one simple sentence brought home to me that I *am* my friend...my *best* one, and I need to treat myself in such a manner. The person who wrote it meant it for herself, but it has helped me immeasureably. I hope this post helps her...cuz she's my friend, too.

Warmly, heartbeat

[heartbeat]

Hi Raina,

I meant to write this and forgot. Toxic people are tough to deal with if it's someone close to you. Course, they probably woudn't affect you toxically if they weren't close! duhhh

I've purchased so many self-help books over the years and I've barely touched most of them. One was Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I read some of it, and if I remember correctly, she gives very specific steps to take and even conversational examples of what to say in response to your toxic person. I don't remember if this was the book or if it was The Dance of Anger, but in one of them the author says that if you flat out refuse to continue acting the way you always have, in other words, you stop playing the game, it affects everyone in the dynamic and want to or not, everyone has to stop playing and adjust their position. I thought that was pretty cool.

True story - Many years ago I bought a book called Stop Procrastinating Now! It was really thin and could be read in an evening easily. But I kept putting it off. Every time I'd see it I'd think oh just give it away, but I felt like I should read it, so I'd keep it. About 10 years later I finally gave myself permission to give it away. The spine hadn't even been cracked.

Warmly, heartbeat

[carmel drake]

Originally Posted by UK Trace

Man oh man, how many off us adoptee;s have trouble with addictions and mood disorders? it;s so sad its almost funny. I mean come on isn't it plainly obvious that when a child is concieved and reared in its "world" the womb, and then taken and raised by another its whole "world" is then sent into a free fall that never seems to really end. I think I've spent all my life internalising that first abandoment and continuing to abandon myself on a daily basis. There is another me fighting to be heard inside, the "me" that was their at conception, that spritual me, I don't want to be anyones plaster, I want that "me" back again, I know your in there! Its time to stop hiding and come out, its time to stop walking on eggshells and be yourself. I love you enought to want to know you NOW! I want to treat you with the respect and love you deserve! I've kept myself alien from you for too long, now is the time to be reunited.

AArrrrr that feels better

UK TRACE

I know your post was written awhile ago, but I've been very behind in reading and am trying to catch up.

We all read often, about the "self discovery" and reunions of one another, but when you said its time to reunite, I thought to myself, my gosh, not only are we reuniting with our original families, we are also reuniting with our other selves, the ones that live inside of us, the one that was us, or what we should or would or could have been before adoption separation happened.

I've always known there were two me's. The mother I was suppose to be ( the teenager,who went on to live in the form of grief, tears, anger, self hatred, anguish and hell ) and also the mother and person I had to be for the world to see ( sufficient, humorous, gentle, reliable, loving, self reliant) And now there are three me's. The thankful, grateful, don't overstep the boundries, "found" but still waiting me.

Some times its not very easy balancing all of me. Some times, teenage me is pushing herself through my eyes and blurs my vision and if that's not enough my smile becomes painful to my cheeks and raw to my throat. Don't worry though, I'm careful nobody sees this but me.

I'm sorry, I've made this message about me and I only meant to acknowledge your comments. I did make a few attempts to delet, but also thought that maybe my thoughts could be of some help along the way.
Sincerely

[banjo]

Hi, I first read "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay when I was in my mid-20s and it changed my life for the better. It is all about self-love and how important it is. I had an incredibly toxic workmate for about two years and I just figured out ways to avoid her - I did go to the bathroom a lot when she started harping on at me - she probably thinks I have a bladder problem! She has since left and work is great!

[esp1222]

I don't know if anyone can ever truly love every single little thing about themselves 100%, but I do know that every thing we go through, and everything we do, makes us who we are. ( I think that was a run on sentence-sorry).

I don't agree with all I've done in my life, but there isn't much I would change. Even the bad things helped shape who I am today. From being adopted, to my baby boy being born early and living only a day, to the birth of my healthy (now almost 11) baby girl....I wouldn't change a thing.

I've certainly made some bad decisions in my life, but wondering "what if" only makes you keep wondering and if one tiny little thing changes, it could have changed so much more. Some of the bad things brought good ones. At least that is what I choose to believe.

I like who I am. I am learning not to care so much what everyone else thinks! I'm in my 30's now....it's taken a while to get here, and I have a way to go yet.

Just love yourself for who you are!

Erika