[aray]

I am a mother of 2 children ages 7 and 3-1/2. I have only been divorced 5 months and am due in August. My pregnancy was not the cause of my divorce - however I believe that if I didn't get pregnant my ex and I would still be together - due to the fact that a few months before our divorce was final we started to work things out. but once my pregnancy was announced - both of us pulled back. My ex is very supportive of me - and my choices. We have a very good relationship and neither of us have ruled out the chance of us being together again. (we were married young at age 20, and our son was already 1-1/2 by then) so we had a lot of pressure being young and married - but as his business sky rocketed and became very successful the 'status' got to his head being so young in his profession and excelling well beyond many others who invested many more years than him - needless to say he lost sight of being a husband and family man - those days are dwindling down, and both of us are seeking counciling for our issues)

I am currently with the father of my child - (however our relationship is fizzeling - we're still great friends right now - it's complicated - but we're in this together)(there is no way that this child is my ex's not even by .01%) He has 2 children from his previous marriage (ages 5,4) and has been divorced for 3 years now - so he's been able to 'cope' and 'grieve' his divorce. We are looking at adoption - slowly, but still starting paperwork. We will know for sure once the baby is born.

What I'm seeking is opinions and such on how you would/or do feel about being adopted knowing that your mother had 2 other children before you. I am not looking at this as an easy out to get back with my ex - because who knows if that'll ever happen. However my mind has struggled long and hard throughout this pregnancy. I've recently been put on anti-depressents due to me laying in bed on the weekend I don't have my children and not wanting to do anything. I've tried very hard - but for some reason I don't feel 'connected' to my unborn - I'm a good mother - GREAT mother - and I think because I know what a child needs/deserves adoption is calling me for my unborn. I know that the father of this child and I will not be together. He would like to keep the child if we should stay together, but not if we're not - both of us see how our children are with going back and forth between parents - and we don't want that for this one.

Please any feedback would be great! I still haven't mentioned any of this to my children or his - as we're still unsure of our choice. We plan on taking the baby home for a few days to really pray over it and think about it - but the more I pray for peace of mind - adoption is what calms me.

Thank you for 'listening' - if you would like to see more of my story I also have a thread under birthfamily support- and my heading is -'I'm a mother of 2 and pregnant - am I horrible for thinking for adoption.. Please help!'

[wilted rose]

Aray, I read your post a little while ago and left it as it was very painful for me to read. After some thought I decided to respond. I believe you have good intentions as you are seeking input and support from all positions of the triad. You have asked, how we as adoptees have felt knowing our Mothers had children before us. Well, I can tell you exactly how I have felt. Perhaps our circumstances vary, but the result the same. I am the youngest of nine children and I was adopted out at just under age one along with several other of my bsiblings to seperate homes while some of the oldest children remained. I have found my bmother and five bsiblings after forty years, we have been reunited now for two years. We are rebuilding our relationships and our lives. If you asked me what effect this has had on me, I personally could never begin to express into words the grief and the loss of all these years missed, not only with my bMother but the sense of loss in many ways runs deeper with the grief lost with my bsiblings. I have had a brother who was tragically killed over twenty years ago who was just six years older, whom I'll never have the chance to know. It has been written that the bond with our siblings becomes one that often outlives all of our other relationships when given the opportunity to flourish. I can tell you it's a kind of pain that I seldom can look at, a pain that sends a burning behind my eyes, a lump in my throat where I can't breathe, and a sickness in my stomach, it is a pain that lies deep in the hearts of my brothers and sisters and myself, of time that we simply cannot get back.
Sincerely,
Rose

[SarahandSam]

My opinion. Please look at everything and anything to help you raise that child with you, his mother, his everything, his world, and his two siblings. I was raised an only child whilst my mum raised my siblings. It cut me to the core. End opinion.

[crosssgirll]

aray, I read your post and even started a reply but had to shut down my computer so I would not submit it. Do I think you are horrible for thinking adoption? No, not really although I have to say you entire post did make me sick to my stomach. You say that you have thought about this a lot and I believe that you did. I only hope for your sake, the babies sake and both your children and the fathers children that you find someone to talk this over with. You said that you have not talked about this with your children or his since you are not sure what you are going to do. That is a very big burden on children aged 3 1/2 to seven. They are all to young to understand what you are feeling, talking about or the whys and wherefores of this kind of a decision. However they are not to young to remember later that they have a younger half sibling out there.
You need to also think about how you are going to feel every year on this childs birthday! How are you going to cope knowing that you gave your child away? Not knowing if he/she is happy? What are you going to say to this child when he/she finds you later? Please think this through!

[jude4691]

I'm adopted and first of all I want to say I do feel for you in this difficult situation.I'm sure that for most women adoption is far from an easy option.I have also adopted myself and see myself as a good adoptive mother-I give our daughter plenty of chances to talk about the loss she feels over her birth family.
My adoptive parents were never able to negate the losses I experienced through adoption, though I do have a good life now so I can not say adoption ruined my life.I do understand how manty adoptees do feel thier life is ruined by adoption though and that even with wonderful loving adoptive parents the extent of loss can be immeasurable.My personal belief is that I will never be able to erase my daughters losses but I am convinced that for her(daughter) adoption was the only real solution.
I would certainly not advise you to rush into a decision for several months after the baby is born and I would be wary of seeing other adoptive couples who are wonderful potential parents who will be able to satisfy your childs every need.The craving of an adopted child is often for the mother who gave birth to them, but sometimes this craving is unrecognised or denied because of low self esteem or fear of upsetting the adoptive parents who may well be very good parents.
I do wish you all the best with this very difficult decision and I don't want to add to any guilt you may have-I know my bmum felt so bad at letting me go and I have not faced the pressures you are under.

[aray]

Thank you to all who've posted - I appreciate it!

[Raina0831]

I am SO sorry I didn't see this post before today. I hope you are still looking for advice, Aray.

From my birthmother, I have two older sisters. I have known these two sisters for 16 years now - off and on, from a long distance apart physically. There is no way we could possibly be as close as if we were raised together. There is just too much separate history between us.

I just found my birthfather a year ago, along with learning of all HIS children. I am still getting to know some of them. Others seem very reluctant to meet me. They have the opportunity for contact, but have not chosen to go forward with it.

While I have a "history" with my afamily (and there is a connection for that reason alone - "history"), I was raised in a superficial, "let's pretend we are a perfect family on the surface" situation. The one thing I am greatful for, where my adoption is concerned, is that I had the opportunity to "get to know and create a history with" another family.

BUT.....

As much as I care for (and have a history with) my afamily, I ache each and every day of my life that I wasn't there to endure the heartache and suffering, united as one, with my bio family.

You are going through some very stressful times right now, and it is perfectly natural to be reacting to the external influences that are affecting you. But that doesn't mean that you don't subconsciously have a connection with the child you are carrying and it doesn't mean that that child doesn't take comfort in your voice, your heartbeat, your every step, and your soothing rhythmical sleep.

Judging from your post, you are a very loving individual who only wants the best for your family. You want to be there for them, through the good times and the bad. Don't think less of your unborn child. No matter what may come, that child will have the recognition, security and comfort of your love, no matter how difficult things become. And, in loving situations as yours, that goes so much farther than "I wanted more for you."

This is my experience alone, but something I feel very deeply about.

If you would like to PM me, please feel free to do so and feel free to ask ANY questions. You are doing a balancing act right now, and I don't want to sway your opinions one way or the other (although, please forgive me, as I'm sure my 37 years of "adoptee opinion" spilled out in my post). I just want to help you make an informed choice - for you, your unborn child, and all of your children and family.


Huggs to you and your family and your precious children whom you so obviously deeply love.

Raina

[JDKT]

just remember it not only affects the child you are giving up , but their children and so on. The least you could do is give a very detailed medical history, and an idea of their heritage. Adoptees tend to go through life wondering obviously where do I come from? Am I german descent etc? Don't be selfish about the information.

[aray]

I do intend on giving complete history, momentoes and even pictures. However I don't want to have an 'active' relationship through out my child's life. I don't mean to sound cold or hearless, but I feel as though it would be best for all - and have my child later find me when he/she is ready.

Right now my biggest issue is the fact that the bdad is considering about raising our child alone (as our relationship distances itself more everyday-despite our continueing efforts to 'save' what's left) and this bothers me for many reasons.

Looking for adoptee's to respond or other's who know of any similar situations........

How would you feel if dad raised you, mom was literally only 10-15 miles away (neither of us can move due to us both having children with our ex spouses) and mom raised your 2 older siblings, but couldn't handle you? It's just not fair to me - I feel as though it would be 'less devestating' for the child to grow up in an adopted environment. Am I wrong in thinking that? And what if I do end up back with my ex - and you find me later and find all this out???? Then what???? Could I look like a more horrible mother????? I am also upset at him because I feel as though he's 'forcing' me to parent when I know I'm not ready for this child - and I don't want to bring it into this turmoil - I also can't ask him to relinquish if he doesn't want to - I know that - but I'm just so VERY concerned about my baby and it's well being - I'm just trying to do 'what's right'.

so please - any words or wisdom/advice/support/non-support....anything is welcomed!!!! I'm just really needing adoptee insight here!

[healingfeeling]

- I feel as though it would be 'less devestating' for the child to grow up in an adopted environment

Honestly I think you are wrong...I am half-adopted...I went 25 years not seeing my bdad...I am soooooooooooooooooooo glad that my mother kept me. I love my mother's family more than anything in the world...they are me and I am them....I have recently reunited and discovered that I'm also a part of my bdad and his family and that is joyous to me...I am bitter that I didn't know them all my life though....

I think that if your bfriend wants to raise HIS child he should...

It's just not fair to me

why not?? if YOU don't feel you can raise your child...in all fairness to the child let the child's father make his own decision about that.

I am soooooooooo happy your boyfriend is considering raising this child. give him that opportunity...let your child know at least half of where he/she came from....

[jude4691]

I think it would be better for the child to be raised by thier dad rather than being adopted.One birth parent is better than none.The loss of your roots and the actual people and relationships too is devastating even when adoption was the only real option.
However to discover that one or other parent wanted and was able to keep you but didn't-that must be terribly hard to bear.In adoption there are no guarantees that the adoptive parents will be good parents( though many of them are), but even if adoptive parents are absolutely brilliant and fully love and support thier children, this does not automatically negate the losses of the adoptee.

[mn125]

Originally Posted by aray

I feel as though it would be 'less devestating' for the child to grow up in an adopted environment.

I am an adoptee who was surrendered to adoption because my mother was married- but not to my father. I am #4 of six children born to my mother, and the only one adopted.

I've been following the threads here for the last several days, and have refrained from posting because of my feelings of what happened in my life in a somewhat similar situation to yours......

I would like to offer my feelings about the comment above, tho.

Less devestating?? To live and grow up with genetic strangers? Can you imagine being born a kitten, and growing up in a giraffe family?
Or how about Tarzan- .....what was it like for him to be raised by the apes, and then, reintroduced into his own kind? Do you think he felt ackward in both families? I do... This is probably what I most identify with.... not really 'fitting in' or 'belonging' to either family.

If I had been given a voice, and a vote- and if I couldnt have stayed w/ my mother- I think it would have been next best to have been able to stay within my own clan.

Some here will surely remind us that blood does not make a family. That would be a nice thought if it were true in all adoptive families. I happened to get a family that reminded me all thru my life that I was not "real".

Less devestating?? go look at some of the boards and see the joy/happiness and excitement by the new forever families.... kinda hard to explain- its a double edged sword imho- they should be happy- but- is it just me - or aren't they kinda dancing on bparent graves- saying its a good thing she isnt there for you? How does that make it less devestating to a child?


btw- i dont think anyone has offered this link
http://www.whiteoakfoundation.org/whatbpshouldknow.htm
What You Should Know If You're
Considering Adoption For Your Baby
Copyright 2001 by Heather S. Lowe

I wish you truth and clarity as you make this decision for your baby.

[JDKT]

I agree it actually would be (imo) to have one birth parent, at least they can identify with someone. Does that make sense to y'all?

[manni28]

Less devestating?? go look at some of the boards and see the joy/happiness and excitement by the new forever families.... kinda hard to explain- its a double edged sword imho- they should be happy- but- is it just me - or aren't they kinda dancing on bparent graves- saying its a good thing she isnt there for you? How does that make it less devestating to a child?

I'm an adoptee that posted on the other thread and to be honest, if my bmom was is this situation; I would WANT to be adopted. Can you imagine growing-up in a family where your mom's hubby resents your presence because you aren't his child because you were conceived while they were married? WHO would want that? Always reminded, and picked-on, because you aren't "his" or if there’s a problem in the marriage it's because of "you"-no, sometimes it's best for a child not to grow-up in the biofamily. JMHO



I am very happy to be adopted-I've met my bparents but they aren't my parents that’s for my amom and adad

[mn125]

Originally Posted by manni28

Can you imagine growing-up in a family where your mom's hubby resents your presence because you aren't his child because you were conceived while they were married? WHO would want that? Always reminded, and picked-on, because you aren't "his" or if there’s a problem in the marriage it's because of "you"-no, sometimes it's best for a child not to grow-up in the biofamily. JMHO

Manni,
Can you take a guess at how sucessful the *plan* to save the marriage by getting rid of me actually turned out?
Big surprise...... It didn't . Less than a year after getting rid of me, the marriage and family was disolved sooo.......what was the point?


And - to really put a twist on things- conceiving outside their marriage ALSO happened in my adoptive family. It seems they were not complete or satisifed or whatever with parenting thru adoption. They mutually agreed to have a 'friend' help them out with my adads infertility. Ugh.....you guessed it! Amom became pregnant with her 'real' son. Ain't that a kick in the pants....... the VERY reason I was surrendered to adoption was how my afamily got 'real' kids...... Less devestating?? hmmmmm