[healingfeeling]

I don't want to be that person.....

but you're not that person Aray, you're you...

you're a fun person who does all these things

we bike, we go to the beaches, we travel a little bit, we play tag at the park

you sound like a cool mom...who can definitely strap that baby on your back (if you chose to)...

i'm very glad you came to the forums....I reallllllllyyyyyyy hope it helps you to find peace with your baby.

[rilo kiley]

"you're a fun person who does all these things

we bike, we go to the beaches, we travel a little bit, we play tag at the park


you sound like a cool mom...who can definitely strap that baby on your back (if you chose to)...

i'm very glad you came to the forums....I reallllllllyyyyyyy hope it helps you to find peace with your baby."



Me too! Aray I am impressed with your honesty and courage here on these forums and in your life. I hope you and your boyfriend and family can continue to help each other find peace with yourselves.

[blel0906]

Aray,


Wow tough decisions indeed...from your posts I have no doubt your a good and loving mom. Personally if It were me and I did go the adoption route I would opt for an open adoption where you can have some control over where your child ends up and possibly some communication over the years...I imagine the worst thing about all of this as the years pass is wondering about the child you carried and gave birth to. As you have read in the forums not all adoptees are fortunate...I was I went to loving parents and had 2 older brother although not perfectm my parents divorced when I was 4 I never lacked for love...my situation is a little different only because I was never told I was adopted and am only learning this recently..I never did not feel like I did not fit in.I can tell you for me personally I hold no anger towards anyone involved but yes I am curious and searching but frustrated that its difficult to learn anything about where I come from because of closed adoption laws...I do not long for my birthmother and not at all insecure and wonder why they did not want me.

My other advice would be that if you do decide to keep your child that all parties involved take the time to figure out how you are going to deal with these relationships. If you can't do it on your own then seek the advice of a councelor. Sounds to me that regardless if you and boyfriend remain together he is supportive and would probably be willing to work with you whille your dealing with all the other issues your having in your life...

If the relationship does not work out and you really truly decide you want no responsibility for this child, co parenting or visitation.. I think you should absolutely consider allowing the father to have sole custody why not if he's able, capable and competent at least you will always know the child will be well cared for, safe and loved,

Good luck and keep us posted

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by aray

My mom had to raise all 4 of us when my dad walked out on us.....because of it, she's an alcoholic, and not really a 'mom' she doesn't really know how to be anymore because she had to start looking out for HERSELF first for so long it seemed.....She's remarried to my stepdad for over 13 years and they have 2 children of there own....and now she more or less plays 'house' with them more than she ever even attempted to with us......because now she can be a stay at home mom again (when my dad left us she was a stay at home mom, she had to go back to school, and work full time in order to make ends meet - and that was only with the help of my grandparents she was barely able to do that! - they even bought her a house for us - small but a nice little house) Because of having to 'deal' with her I know that I will do everything that I can to not turn into her (I'm definetly not a drinker!) but I know how much she struggled, and how her stressfulness (word??) was 'taken' out on us - yelling, always tired, no time to play with us - upset at my dad.....just a mess.......

Hi, Aray, Your post struck me pretty deep in two different ways, and I just want to throw this out there as food for thought and don't want any of it to sound harsh in any way, because it is not intended that way at all. So, first of all {{{BIG HUGG!!!!}}}

Do you wish she had placed the four of you for adoption, instead of doing what she needed to do to raise you? It may have been a difficult existence, but do you wish you had been somewhere else instead?



I raised 4 children singlehandedly, as did your mom. My aparents bought a small house for me and my 4 children because, even though I'd also put myself through school after my divorce, the money I made just didn't cover the bills. Thankfully, I was able to get to the point where I could pay rent and the home is now an investment (rental) for them. But still, it was a humilating position to be in.

It hasn't always been the best, we've struggled, we've gone without, I snapped at them when I shouldn't have because I was so exhausted at the end of the day. Sometimes, my back or feet hurt so bad that I can't go out and push my daughter on the swing, but that doesn't stop me from taking them to the movies on the weekend, or swimming with them a few times a week. I may not be 100% everytime they want "playtime", but I would be completely devastated if one of them wished they'd been placed for adoption, rather than growing up with, and enduring hardships with, their biological family.

You have a tough decision to make Aray. I'm sending loads of huggs your way.

Raina

[esp1222]

I am a 32 year old adoptee who is very thankful that my birthmother chose to give me up. I think every single situation is different. I never felt unloved, unwanted or like I didn't fit in. I definitely didn't feel like a kitten being raised by giraffes...

My parents had a biological son that is three years older than me, we were treated the same and although I am glad they were honest with me, I truly don't think I would have ever known I was adopted had they not told me.

My birthmother has a daughter who is 9 years older than me. She was 25 and didn't want another child. When I found out she had an older child, I think I was shocked at first, but I realized very quickly that my life was much better than it would have been had she kept me.

I had a miscarriage in 1993, a baby boy born early in 1994 who lived only a day, and 6 months later, my husband left. He wanted a divorce, but when the time came to sign the papers, he couldn't and wanted to get back together. While we were working on it, I got pregnant. I found out I was pregnant the day we finally decided we would continue with the divorce. I was 21 years old, and had no college education and was working at a minimum wage job. It never crossed my mind to give up my daughter. I felt she was a gift from God. I knew it would be hard and I would have to give up lots of things to raise her, but I knew that was what I wanted. I am lucky. I have an extremely loving, supportive family who was able to help when I needed it, along with my ex-husband's parents, who 10 years later are still like parents to me.

I started college when she was 6 months old and worked full time. I was lucky to have a mother who could keep her during the day and a job that was during the day so I was home with her every night. I graduated with my bachelor's degree when she was 4 years old. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew I had to...so I could provide for her.

I think that you have to decide what you truly believe to be better for your child. I know that there are many situations where adoptees are not in loving, caring homes and they felt like they belonged somewhere else. I am not one of those. If you choose adoption, it may be the best life for your child. No one can really answer the question for you. If you have any doubts, or feel that you want to raise the child, you can do it. It will be hard, but you are the mother and you can make it work if you choose to do so. Do what you feel is best. I have no bitter feelings toward my birthmom for giving me up even though she had a child already. I am thankful that she chose what she believed to be the best life for me (although my bmom in particular just really didn't care...she didn't want me...just didn't find out early enough to abort me)...either way, I am thankful for my life.

[esp1222]

Aray, I don't think that your mother turned into an alcoholic because she was stressed from raising her children. I think most of us are stressed on a daily basis. We all have struggles. You would not turn into a person like that, you sound like a good mom.

There are days that I am so stressed, and I feel like the world is tumbling down around me, but I CHOOSE to be strong enough to struggle and make it for my daughter. Granted, I have lots of support, but it has just been me and my daughter since the day she was born.

Yes, there will be struggles. The question is, are you willing to fight and win the battles and struggles, or do you think it will make you bitter? Do you not want to deal with it?

My daughter is very adjusted, very smart and I love her with my whole heart. There are days I want to ring her cute little neck, but she knows that I am here for her, I take care of her and support her....and I personally think she is going to turn out to be a great person! She comes first. I come second. Even on the days I just don't think I'll make it, God always gives me the strength to pull through. If you choose to keep the baby, and put her first, it will work out. You just have to choose to not be that person.

[esp1222]

One more thing. My daughter's father doesn't see her much. He pays child support and sees her some. One thing that I have made sure of is that I nor no one in my family has ever been allowed to talk about how we feel about him in front of her. I think that is a harsh thing to do to a child and he is her father, no matter what we believe. He was very abusive, but she will never know that. There is no reason...all that matters is how he treats her. I get stressed, I yell, but she knows it isn't because of her...life is just stressful.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by WLD

IMHO I didn't think the analogy was the best at all and i agree with the original poster that it was offensive. To compare with kittens and giraffes, yuck! I'm sorry that some have not had a perfect adoption experience, there are many biological familys that have not had a great experience and are affected for the rest of their lives as well.
Yes, there has been some horrible adoption situations, BUT there have been some absolutely wonderful ones as well. There are some adoptees that don't feel like they fit in or were loved BUT they are some who feel very much loved and part of their new family. Every situation is different. Not all aparents are manipulative, some are very much loving. Not all are waiting to take advantage of a bmom, some see a situation where they feel they can help a child have a family that can and will love and provide for that child. There are many adoptees who are very glad that their bfamily chose to give them a family and opportunity that they themselves were not able (for whatever reason) and they have found much love in that family and it is their REAL family.

Thank you so much for your comment. This amom really appreciates it!