[manni28]

EHH? your reading a whole lot into my posts to make them fit into your "fantasys" I haven't searched and part of me did miss my birth mother, I honour my inner child enought to let her have her feelings. I'm sorry if this is upsetting you. Maybe you might like to look at why it is hard for you to even contemplate the thought that a part of you has feelings about this? anyways I'm pleased you had a happy childhood so happy that you are on a adoption forum? I mean what did it matter that you were adopted *

No, no fantasies or upsets here! I just don't feel a "bond" or "longing" for my bparents, with my aparent-yes; bparents-no, there's no history! And, the reason I'm on this forum is because, although, I am a mom I would like to adopt (since my adoption was great)

Also, let me ask you, if you have an inner child that's "longing" for your bmom why haven't you begun
to search? I mean, after all, I' m in denial and your not, right?

[WLD]

Originally Posted by UK Trace

EHH? your reading a whole lot into my posts to make them fit into your "fantasys" I haven't searched and part of me did miss my birth mother, I honour my inner child enought to let her have her feelings. I'm sorry if this is upsetting you. Maybe you might like to look at why it is hard for you to even contemplate the thought that a part of you has feelings about this? anyways I'm pleased you had a happy childhood so happy that you are on a adoption forum? I mean what did it matter that you were adopted *wink*

OUCH! this didn't seem to nice????

[UK Trace]

I havent searched because she was/is mentally ill and for my own safety I decided against it. Longing? yes there was that part of me longing for the continuim I once had.

WLD, was a bit harsh weren; it LOL.

[WLD]

Originally Posted by UK Trace

I havent searched because she was/is mentally ill and for my own safety I decided against it. Longing? yes there was that part of me longing for the continuim I once had.

WLD, was a bit harsh weren; it LOL.

Yes UK, in my opinion, you were too harsh with the other poster that was sharing their experience/opinion but i have found sometimes we do become too harsh when our experiences are different from others (not really a good excuse but a reason i guess) I am glad that there exists adoptees such as manni, that have had a great experience and come from a loving, stable home. I may be reading too much into your post and if i am, please forgive me. It appears that you may not have been so fortunate, for that I am truly sorry. What did you mean by "Longing? yes there was that part of me longing for the continuim I once had." ?

[UK Trace]

Excuse me! it was (dont know her name) who started accusing people off having fantasys. And this person wants to adopt? I think she needs to make sure she can honour others feelings first! ppfftt

[WLD]

Originally Posted by UK Trace

Excuse me! it was (dont know her name) who started accusing people off having fantasys. And this person wants to adopt? I think she needs to make sure she can honour others feelings first! ppfftt

(QUOTE) but i have found sometimes we do become too harsh when our experiences are different from others

[manni28]

Excuse me! it was (dont know her name) who started accusing people off having fantasys. And this person wants to adopt? I think she needs to make sure she can honour others feelings first! ppfftt

No, I didn’t accuse anyone of having fantasies I just said sometimes I think the " longing" for bfamilies and "feeling whole" can be romanized if the achild had a crappy childhood. Also, once again I am extremely proud of my aparents, why because the are my parents- plain and simple ( and I am not discounting my bparents either!) it's my history and life experience!

[aray]

Wow - lots going on right now - but most importantly I think it's best to say you can agree to disagree on some points and move on......just my observation with reading the posts that have been going back and forth. However I've 'enjoyed' reading them because each of you have stuck up for yourselves, your family (afamily or bfamily) and how you delt with and are dealing with your own personal adoption - thank you for being so honest.......nothing has been that harsh in my opinion - this is an opinion forum, not a judgemental one, and I'm not really sensing judgemental's going on here.

Manni - Yes, I live with my bfriend - and yes right now we are very seperate on our views, and we both believe the other isn't looking out for the best interest of our child. But oddly enough, we both respect eachothers thoughts/opinions/feelings so much that it really doesn't get nasty at all. Yes we cry, we get angry we vent at eachother, but at the end of the day we can joke about everyday life, play games, and just hold eachother and pray........I think the thing that helps us be this way twords eachother is becuase neither of us has made a definate decision.....and that's comforting on both ends, and we both need to explore all that we can with in ourselves in order to hold our head up high about what ever decision we make. As for my ex-husband.....we're not trying to get back together......we've finally established a strong co-parent relationship, which has helped us both out - not to mention made our kids lives easier as well as ours. Yes, like I've said is there potential for my ex and I in my future.....who can say there isn't......but there's also potential for me and the bfather as well.......no matter which way this goes......I guess what I'm trying to say is I haven't ruled out anything in my relationship aspect of my life, however non of it is a determining factor (nor will it ever be) I couldn't give my child up for a man - that's just ridiculous for me to even contemplate, because nothing in life is certain except the love I have for my children - they are my constant, not the man/men in my life.

Thx again all for being so honest and true to yourselves. I'm happy for all of you who have had good aparents and great lives - if I choose adoption I can only hope the same for my child....Bless you all!!

[manni28]

As far as Aray's situation being "dysfunctional", there are many children who grow up in homes of varying configurations who are functional and well adjusted. What is most important is consistancy and love. Any parenting book will tell you that and marriage or a two parent home does not gaurantee that.

Brenda:

It's not that fact that it's not a two parent home, in this case, it's the fact that mom wants to get back with her ex- and/or doesn’t want to parent again and the father ( whose not the hubby) wants to parent. This is a very confusing environment for any child to grow -up in. There are many kids who grow-up in homes like this or worse and they end up very dysfunctional themselves; in jail; foster care or dead.

Please, let's see it for what it is. It's like a child growing up with alcoholics/ drug abusers/criminals or resentment-do you think they will not be affected by the environment?

[healingfeeling]

ladies....

this is straying very far from ARAY's original post...

lets get back to the issue at hand...

aray possibly placing her child or her boyfriend raising the child....

[mn125]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

The analogy might not be the best, but I think it is important to hear the sentiment. There are many adoptees who feel out of place in the their adoptive families. For some it is not feeling fully accepted by extended family members, for others it is feeling as though they do not belong with their adoptive parents. I think it is really important to recognise this. It happens today, even in fully open adoptions. Even in adoptions where the adoptive parents are open to discussion.

Thanks, Brenda, for saying this in a way that maybe wont 'insult' others as to what I was trying to say about my feelings......

On with the thread

[aray]

Manni - I don't WANT to get back with ex necissarily.....that's a far away thought - I just wanted to bring it up on my thread so you can all 'see' what's going on in my head, and truely paint you all the picture of all the obsticles that I'm facing - that's all - again I'm not married......he's my ex-husband. Disfunctual yes, but comparing to alchoholics/drug abusers and such is a lot harsher than what the reality would be for this child......but resentment could be one of those, and that's what I fear if he should choose to parent I'm afraid I'll resent not only him but my child, because I won't think it's best for my baby, and it's not 'giving' me what I need to mentally/emotionally heal and become comfortable with my life again. What I need to heal most from still is my divorce. We were highschool sweethearts....parents at 18 and 19 married at 20, and had a very 'fairy tale' outside bubble life. And what I mean by that is from the outside looking in we were 'perfect' and had it all.....healthy children, nice big house, great community, private education for our children (well oldest) I was a stay at home, and his business was thriving......but behind it all there were issues.....we got divorced for many reasons...none of which were because of my pregnancy.....I just need to make that clear. Before I could consider a relationship in my future I need to establish myself as an individual and stron woman first, I jumped into my relationship with my bfriend very early, and despite all those who warned me it was too soon, I thought I could handle it.....I couldn't/can't and then to add pregnancy on top of it threw me over the edge. I just don't want to resent my baby....I'm not a bad mother......and I'm afraid of what it might do to me.....and then on top of that the parenting relationship that the bfather and I would have from there I fear would be a 'mess' and our child would 'suffer' from it. I know that no matter what decision we choose our child will feel loss, there's no doubt about that......but I'm 'trying' to think of the path that would the least 'painful' for my child (and yes I know I'd be going into it blindly-no one knows the future) I truely feel as though at the end of the day I could 'live' with my decision being adoption, verses trying to 'struggle' to keep it together for my kids, my newborn, my job.....etc........I don't want to turn into that type of person.......Does this make sense?

[manni28]

Look within and do what's best. You have gotten a lot of advice; but only you, the father and your spirituality can help you.

[healingfeeling]

verses trying to 'struggle' to keep it together for my kids, my newborn, my job.....etc........I don't want to turn into that type of person

what would being that type of person mean to you, Aray?

[aray]

I think it would turn me into an overly stressed mom (verses the everyday stressors of being a parent)- My mom had to raise all 4 of us when my dad walked out on us.....because of it, she's an alcoholic, and not really a 'mom' she doesn't really know how to be anymore because she had to start looking out for HERSELF first for so long it seemed.....She's remarried to my stepdad for over 13 years and they have 2 children of there own....and now she more or less plays 'house' with them more than she ever even attempted to with us......because now she can be a stay at home mom again (when my dad left us she was a stay at home mom, she had to go back to school, and work full time in order to make ends meet - and that was only with the help of my grandparents she was barely able to do that! - they even bought her a house for us - small but a nice little house) Because of having to 'deal' with her I know that I will do everything that I can to not turn into her (I'm definetly not a drinker!) but I know how much she struggled, and how her stressfulness (word??) was 'taken' out on us - yelling, always tired, no time to play with us - upset at my dad.....just a mess.......I don't want to be that person......I don't want to be so stressed that at the end of the day I don't 'want' to play with my children or interact with them because I just need 'me time' I love my children with all my heart, and when I have them we are always doing stuff - even though I'm very pregnant - we bike, we go to the beaches, we travel a little bit, we play tag at the park.....I never want that 'drive' in me to end becuase I can't handle it - Like I've said I know my limitations....and I believe this would push me over the edge even more!!!