[manni28]

Manni,
Can you take a guess at how sucessful the *plan* to save the marriage by getting rid of me actually turned out?
Big surprise...... It didn't . Less than a year after getting rid of me, the marriage and family was disolved sooo.......what was the point?

The marriage dissolved because of infidelity and a child was conceived outside of the marriage-what marriage would survive that?

Look, In my opinion, no man or woman is going to raise their spouse's child conceived outside the marriage ( i.e. affair) It just doesn't happen like that. Yeah, we can all romanize about the op keeping her baby and living happily ever after with her hubby and kids-but that is a fantasy. She, I believe, is doing the right thing. We don't know if the hubby will resent this child (it’s another man's child!) or how about this, when the father comes for visits, who do you think is going to have "issues"? No child should be living in this kind of "drama" if you ask me!

[coflicteddad2b]

manni just so you know she is not with her "hubby". they are divorced and she and i are still together. i am the father of her child. i just wanted to clear that up.

[manni28]

Great, are you too getting back together? Will you both be raising this child together?

Sorry, confused. She said there "might" be a possibility of getting back with her hubby?

Also, let me ask you what do you want to do? If you want, you can raise your child alone ( I'm sure you will be a great dad) I do think it's important to let the father have a say in this-it's your child. However, if you dont know what tomorrow will bring ( relationship wise) then you do have a lot on your plate.

I wish you much guidance and luck.

[aray]

Ok - let's straighten some things out......I am divorced. My ex husband and I have talked about reconciling somewhere down the road........give or take my decision.......but again, this is not an alley we're walking down now, or in the near future. I need to take care of me right now and my children before I would be any good in any relationship. So the thought of giving up this child just so I can go back to my ex husband is not an option. I would NEVER give up a child for a man - never ever!!!!! Me and the bfather live together, yes right now our relationship is shakey due to the fact that we have very different views about our situation, but first and foremost we haven't officially decided anything! and we won't until after our baby is born.

I'm concerned right now about my child's future - and I think (as of right now) that he/she will be better off adopted rather than being raised by dad alone, or going back and forth between us both - on top of our other 2 children (each) going back and forth. Now I am very aware that there is no guarantee that an adoptive family will not get divorced, but at least if that was the worst circumstance it would be between just there 2 parents - not between mom/dad/and siblings, and having to deal with the turmoil in our lives right now.......I just don't think it's fair to the baby......

Would it be best to be raised by your own mom and dad - absolutely!! but under our circumstance the other option has a more promising future for our child. I think you went way to far as to relate our situation or any adopted situation as a kitty being raised by giraffe's, or Tarzan........completley different and I think it insults bmoms/pbmoms/and aparents.

I am very thankful for all of your reply's and concerns for our situation, without this forum and all of you we would be a lot more lost than we already were and are. It's 'nice' to hear all sides, becuase we have to make sure we make a well informed decision, not only for our future but for our child's. We have to be able to look in the mirror everyday and be somewhat content and as much at peace with our decision as one could be. I don't want to look down the road and think to myself I never expolored that alley, or sought out advice from there.

[manni28]

Me and the bfather live together, yes right now our relationship is shakey due to the fact that we have very different views about our situation, but first and foremost we haven't officially decided anything! and we won't until after our baby is born.

Ok - let's straighten some things out......I am divorced. My ex husband and I have talked about reconciling somewhere down the road........give or take my decision.......but again, this is not an alley we're walking down now, or in the near future.

OK, I'm confused you're living with your boyfriend ( baby's dad) BUT might get back together with hubby?

Do you know how this sounds?

[jude4691]

mn125- what a brilliant link you have posted! I read it through and thought it should be essential reading for all parents considering adoption for thier child.It covered the issues thoroughly and honestly without getting inflamatory.
It did stir up my concerns about the US adoption system.That adoption papers can be signed so soon after birth is frightening as I'm not at all convinced that birth mums can be 100% sure of thier decision at that stage.I think the system is often riddled with emotional coercion and can be highly manipulative.Just because it is legal doesn't make it morally right.
I think adoptive parents "befriending" the bmum and being present during the pregnancy is sickening because it is going to make the birth mum feel so guilty if she changes her mind.
I think the baby going into foster care until the mother is sure of her decision is a much better option.Some of the profiles I have read of adoptive parents are so sugar coated and sickly sweet they could almost tempt me to hand over my own kids to be raised by such perfect people.surely nobody, birth parents adoptive parents, whatever can be that perfect?! Its like the models in glossy magazines-a false image that doesn't exist in real life.
Back to the situation being discussed I would wonder whether it is possible for the boyfriend to work toward loving and caring for this child? Or I would still favour the birthdad being able to parent rather than adoption being seen as the solution.the adults in this situation do have a chance to adjust thier expectations and change thier behaviour to provide for this child.This child is on the brink of having thier whole destiny changed and has no choice at all.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by aray

Would it be best to be raised by your own mom and dad - absolutely!! but under our circumstance the other option has a more promising future for our child. I think you went way to far as to relate our situation or any adopted situation as a kitty being raised by giraffe's, or Tarzan........completley different and I think it insults bmoms/pbmoms/and aparents.

The analogy might not be the best, but I think it is important to hear the sentiment. There are many adoptees who feel out of place in the their adoptive families. For some it is not feeling fully accepted by extended family members, for others it is feeling as though they do not belong with their adoptive parents. I think it is really important to recognise this. It happens today, even in fully open adoptions. Even in adoptions where the adoptive parents are open to discussion.

[WLD]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

The analogy might not be the best, but I think it is important to hear the sentiment. There are many adoptees who feel out of place in the their adoptive families. For some it is not feeling fully accepted by extended family members, for others it is feeling as though they do not belong with their adoptive parents. I think it is really important to recognise this. It happens today, even in fully open adoptions. Even in adoptions where the adoptive parents are open to discussion.

IMHO I didn't think the analogy was the best at all and i agree with the original poster that it was offensive. To compare with kittens and giraffes, yuck! I'm sorry that some have not had a perfect adoption experience, there are many biological familys that have not had a great experience and are affected for the rest of their lives as well.
Yes, there has been some horrible adoption situations, BUT there have been some absolutely wonderful ones as well. There are some adoptees that don't feel like they fit in or were loved BUT they are some who feel very much loved and part of their new family. Every situation is different. Not all aparents are manipulative, some are very much loving. Not all are waiting to take advantage of a bmom, some see a situation where they feel they can help a child have a family that can and will love and provide for that child. There are many adoptees who are very glad that their bfamily chose to give them a family and opportunity that they themselves were not able (for whatever reason) and they have found much love in that family and it is their REAL family.

[manni28]

The analogy might not be the best, but I think it is important to hear the sentiment. There are many adoptees who feel out of place in the their adoptive families. For some it is not feeling fully accepted by extended family members, for others it is feeling as though they do not belong with their adoptive parents. I think it is really important to recognise this. It happens today, even in fully open adoptions. Even in adoptions where the adoptive parents are open to discussion.

Brenda:

I don't agree with this. It as if, the biofamily, is the family for the adoptee. Yes, I can see some extended amembers who dont see the child as "family" .But there are many (myself included) who are glad that we weren't raised with our biofamilies and we fit perfectly in with the adopted family. Because a person is adopted doesn't mean they will "miss" or "long" for their biofamily( I think that’s a romantic myth or can be true if the adoptive family is dysfunctional) but a lot of us are happy and adjusted citizens of society who view adoption as a one time event in our lives and not a consumption or a definition of our lives.



The child that array is having has, IMO, no business being born into such a dysfunctional environment. It’s mom doesn’t want to be a mom again and the dad wants to parent who do you think will bare the “burden” of this? Is it worth a child staying with it’s biofamily “just because”?

[UK Trace]

[quote=manni28]Brenda:

Because a person is adopted doesn't mean they will "miss" or "long" for their biofamily( I think that’s a romantic myth or can be true if the adoptive family is dysfunctional) but a lot of us are happy and adjusted citizens of society who view adoption as a one time event in our lives and not a consumption or a definition of our lives.



QUOTE]

I dont agree with this statement. I think no matter what funtional adoptive family anyone is adopted into they will at some level "miss" or "Long" for their Bio mum. I think its a fantasy to think otherwise. yes I believe these losses can be dealt with better and the adoption gap healed, but its just nature that one is going to miss that very first "connection" goes without saying, doesnt it? Of course unless we are into denial of feelings?

[manni28]

UK:


Hi! I can't say I'm in denial remember the old saying:" out of sight out of mind". I have met my bioparents (they are nice people) but I could see that the opportunities that I've had with my afamily I would not have had with the bios. It is what it is! Anyway, what's wrong with not feeling a connection with people you are related to but don't know? My hubby has met plenty members of his family that he has no connection with, why isn't it the same for biomoms and their child?

Remember we have a history with our aparents, even in open adoptions the bparents aren't, I believe, considered by the child, their 24/7 parents. They are able to form a relationship with the bchild but they aren't "mom", "dad" or "parent" ( on the same level as the aparents). Why is it that when an adoptee says my amom is my mom and I'm happy with my life they are in denial?

[UK Trace]

Oh its nothing to do with opportunities. I was far better off away from my bio mother, but the baby part of me still knew something had gone! research has shown that even children up to the age of 3 can be unconsioiusly searching for "mother" . its so hard to comprehend with our adult intellect but our feelings remember. We dont just become feeling creatures the moment of birth, there was a whole 9months we spent with our "mothers" it would be inhuman to think those 9months meant nothing and left no mark on us? dont you think? its so hard to go there at times though, taken me lots of therapy to get to this point of acceptence.

[manni28]

Oh its nothing to do with opportunities. I was far better off away from my bio mother, but the baby part of me still knew something had gone! research has shown that even children up to the age of 3 can be unconsioiusly searching for "mother" . its so hard to comprehend with our adult intellect but our feelings remember. We dont just become feeling creatures the moment of birth, there was a whole 9months we spent with our "mothers" it would be inhuman to think those 9months meant nothing and left no mark on us? dont you think? its so hard to go there at times though, taken me lots of therapy to get to this point of acceptence

See, you probably didn't have a great childhood with your afamily(?) but for those of us that did we aren't missing anything. Yes, we search, because we are curious, but it doesn't mean we want to "replace" our afamilies because we feel a "longing" or need to be "whole". I think it depends on the childhood experience and the relationship with the aparents.

[UK Trace]

EHH? your reading a whole lot into my posts to make them fit into your "fantasys" I haven't searched and part of me did miss my birth mother, I honour my inner child enought to let her have her feelings. I'm sorry if this is upsetting you. Maybe you might like to look at why it is hard for you to even contemplate the thought that a part of you has feelings about this? anyways I'm pleased you had a happy childhood so happy that you are on a adoption forum? I mean what did it matter that you were adopted *wink*

[bromanchik]

I think it is important to realize that adopted people have a wide range of experiences and that you cannot take your experience and say that it will be that way for everyone. My point is that there are many people who feel that way, even those adoptees who love and are deeply connected to their adoptive parents.

As far as Aray's situation being "dysfunctional", there are many children who grow up in homes of varying configurations who are functional and well adjusted. What is most important is consistancy and love. Any parenting book will tell you that and marriage or a two parent home does not gaurantee that.