[jdgreen911]

I was just wondering how everyone deals with telling their parents that they have begun to search for their birthparents. All of my childhood my Mom told me I would receive all of the information about my birthparents when I turned 18. On my 18th birthday I had to practically twist her arm to give me the paperwork she had promised. At that time she made it perfectly clear that she was unwilling to support a search for my birthparents or have any sort of contact with them should they be found.
My parents have always taken good care of me throughout my childhood, making sure I had everything I could ever want or need, but we have never had much of an emotional connection. I have never been able to confide in them or even really talk to them about myself or difficult emotional situations in my life.

I'm now 24 and have begun to search for my birthparents. My IC has been in touch with my birthmother, who has yet to determine whether she wants contact with me or not. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. More than anything I wish I had a wonderful relationship with my parents, and that I could talk to them about the whole situation, but I'm afraid to even try at this point given their unwillingness in the past. (I have no reason to believe their decision may have changed over the years.) Any suggestions or similar situations out there? I'd appreciate any advice I could get.

[whitsunday15]

OOOHHHHH YES!! I know this inside and out, and now I have been back with my bmother for 3 weeks. My advice to you, and we are around the same age, is to make sure you--for the first time in your life--put your own needs first. Be respectful of your adoptive parents, but stay true to yourself. You cannot change them, you can only accept them for who they are. They cannot change you.
You can PM me with this stuff and we can chat that way, because I have been there and am in the early stages of reunion.

[jeanniejbo]

I completely understand where your coming from. My aparents and I were seperated for 3 years before I finally established a relationship with them again. My afather doesn't want to talk about the adoption at all, and my amother would like to talk but won't give too much detail b/c she doesn't want to go against her husband. I go back every weekend and I am telling you, I get new information each time and dont really understand why I can't get this all at one time. I had a really bad relationship with my aparents for along time and I came to realize something. My afather feels guilty for a lot of stuff and would prolly get jealous or feels like I want a relationship with my bparents to make up for what they lacked. Could be the same for your aparents. Not that they did anything wrong like my situation, just that maybe they too wish for a close knit relationship with you before you dash off and meet that 'other relationship'. As adoptees, we also have to understand that the adopters also have a lot of emotions to go through too. I don't understand why they don't want to tell us, at least the whole truth. I encourage you to not give up hope on contacting your bmom. Let this forum be your emotional support through this expierence and know that we are here for you. Please keep us posted.

[Jan18]

I was very honest with my parents from the start. I sat them down one night and said that I was going to search. They seemed ok with it. My mom was better than my dad. My dad said, "what do you hope to get out of this?" I don't think he wanted me to get hurt, but I also think he was scared. Since I have searched and found my bfamily, I have told my parents things every step of the way. I did however learn to limit what I tell them, and just give them the facts. They don't like to see me get emotional over some of the heartache that we find in our searches. They were mislead with some of the information they received when they adopted me, and that is hard for them to believe. We don't discuss adoption issues like we used to now.

Like someone else said, be respectful, and limit the information. Be honest, but you don't have to tell them the blow by blow!

Good luck!

[mary208]

Hi, i've been searching for my birth mother for what seems like years. I'm 37 years old at present and i remember vividly when i was told, on the way shopping to the mall when i was 13 years old. I've never told my dad i was searching, was afraid i would hurt his feelings, my mom (adoptive) passed away when i was 15 and so that wasn't an issue. I have yet to find my birth mother and not a day a goes by that i don't think about it.

[wereeves]

I could have written your post word for word (except I'm 30). I would use caution in telling them much as it may backfire on you like ti did me. When I told a-mom that I was searching her first comment was....I dont know if I could waste my money looking for someone who just gave me away.
I was SO hurt. When I told her we had made contact and I had talked with them, she said Oh a few times and has since ignored teh subject, wehich is equally painful.
So it might feel bad to have to do it yourself, but you risk alot if you involve any one less than supportive.

Isnt this Have To Endure Alone syndrome us adoptees have the pits!?

[BookMom66]

jd, I can totally empathize with you. I started searching last month after waiting 22 years (I'm 40) and the hardest part so far was making the phonecall to my aparents. We are close, but I'm extremely independent and my mom said she thought I'd probably search someday. My dad was quieter, but said he hoped I was strong enough to face whatever comes and said that he didn't want me to be hurt. It's much more difficult talking to him than to my mother. He's a minister and I grew up with very deep discussions about many things in life. I don't really want a deep discussion about this, though. I just want the oppty. to find out who I am.

I cried while trying to get the words out and then listened to a minute of total silence on their end. Perhaps it's one of those phonecalls they were hoping might never happen. It's almost like the end to a chapter in all of our lives. I just felt like I owed it to them to be honest. I don't do well hiding information and wanted them to know. I called my younger abrother the night before to gauge his reaction. He was surprised, but very supportive. He is their biological child.

I actually had a long conversation with my mom that night and she keep saying that the times and society were so different then. It was unheard of for a young pregnant girl to keep her baby. At the end of our conversation I did make a promise to them, though, that I wouldn't mention any of this to my older brother. He's also adopted, but has grown up being more resentful that someone would give him away. He hasn't even told his 2 daughters that he's adopted which I find more than strange. We're not allowed to mention the word adoption around him and I caused a huge problem 4 years ago when visiting his family because I told my niece (who was 12 at the time) that I was adopted. I had no idea that she hadn't been told about her dad or me. Now it's a bigger secret and I know that she's smart enough to realize that her dad is adopted, too. What a mess. An unnecessary mess.

My search might be easier on my parents because we live far away and they will only know what I choose to share with them. I'm in NC, my older brother's in FL, my parents and younger brother are in PA and my adoption took place in OH.

As for keeping my parents in the loop during my search, I'm not sure how to handle that. I won't lie to them, but neither will I throw anything in their faces. They are truly good people and I've had a good life. It just feels like an incomplete life. I guess it's hard to understand if you are not adopted. Just don't question your right to search. You didn't ask to be born or put up for adoption, but you are asking for information that every human being deserves to have.

I just finished a great book which was the push I needed to begin my search. It's the book we're discussing this month on the Book of The Month Thread called The Girls Who Went Away by Anne Fessler. It talks about girls who were pretty much forced to give up their babies, either by their parents or society in general. I highly recommend it.

[irisheyes33]

jdgreen,

Your aparents sound JUST like mine. I'm 36 and finally made contact with my bmother and my maternal family last year. My bmom begged me to tell them what had happened because she couldn't live with being dishonest. The initial conversation went fairly well..."We're happy for you" "That's great (unenthusiastic tone added)"...and I could live with that. Since then, the subject has NEVER come up, and they made clear to me that my bfamily was my deal and not theirs. It seems so disingenuous not to be able to at least share with them when I have gone back east to visit my birthfamily and /or when my bmom has come out to visit me...but I can't even go that far now. I feel like, at times, I am living a lie and I feel guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I still do.

I've decided the next time I see them to ASK them, flat out, if they want to know when/if I've seen my birthfamily or not, or how much they want to know about that side of my life. If they want to know nothing, fine...I have to respect that and will learn to live with it. I just don't want to assume anymore. Hopefully they will understand that I am trying to be respectful.

However, the bottom line is, do what is right for YOU. Do you feel okay about bringing up your search with your aparents? It's not an easy thing to do, but what does your gut tell you? Maybe you can tell them what's happening, not sharing any sordid details they don't want to hear, and feel better about the situation?

I wish you the best of luck on this one. It's tough. A lot of us are dealing with issues regarding our aparents and our search and/or new relationship with bfamily.

[jdgreen911]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and advice. My parents and I aren't close at all and barely talk about anything significant going on in our lives. (It's a very sad but, I fear, permanent characteristic of our relationship. . . or lack thereof.) I have a younger sister (their birth child) who has the same sort of relationship with them, so at least we can talk about our strained relationships with our parents. Though, even talking to my bsister is strange since she is so much like my aparents in so many ways. I'm full of emotion and like to talk things out, and the rest of my afamily is pretty much emotionless and don't really talk much about emotions or feelings. I guess the personality differences between me and my afamily is one of the factors that prompted me to begin my search in the first place. . . Has anyone else experienced pronounced personality differences like this?

And while I would love more than anything to be able to talk to them about the search and this now seemingly endless waiting period I'm in (my CI has found my bmom and we're waiting to see if she wants to have any contact with me), it just doesn't seem like a great idea right now. Everything we talk about is so superficial that I can't even imagine bringing the topic up.

But not telling them feels like I'm hiding it from them, which I'm feeling guilty about. But I guess the guilt is a lot better than the chaos that would ensue if I actually did tell them about it.

[irisheyes33]

I think if I were in your shoes I wouldn't say anything unless you do make contact with your bmom and get an idea of how the relationship might progress. I have what I could classify as a "strained" relationship with my aparents as well, and it was the hardest thing in the world for me to tell them I'd found my bmom...I only told them because my bmom asked me to. However, my amom did say that she was glad I'd fessed up, that she would have felt "lied to" if I hadn't told them. I think they are just hurt and don't want to think about it. So they just stick their heads in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist. We don't discuss emotional things either.

As far as personality differences...oh MY yes, I experienced the same thing. Even though I spent all those years with my aparents, my personality was completely different. They never "got" me and my amom and I fought constantly when I was a teenager/young adult. However, I am so much like my bfamily that we can practically read each other's minds. Personality quirks were one of the biggest things that drove me to search. I needed to feel like I connected with someone that was like me...it helped me to feel like I wasn't just some accident dumped onto the planet with no roots

[Raina0831]

So do you suppose that those of us who had a strained relationship with our afamilies are more apt to search? Or does it really just come down to our own unique personalities?


When I began my search at 21, my afamily and I really weren't speaking to each other, but I honestly don't feel that I searched because I was looking for a replacement (or acceptance elsewhere), but maybe I need to revisit where I was at that time in my life.....

How does everyone else see this in their own situation?

Raina

[rilo kiley]

I also have a "strained" relationship with my aparents. And while that alone didn't prompt me to search- I've found and gained such comfort from the few phone calls I've shared with my bmom- we have such similar life experiences and ways we move through the world- we "get" each other, effortlessly.

My older brother (my aparents bio-child) is very much like my aparents as well- though I must say as he keeps maturing (just had his first child) he continues to seek me out and is more interested in my perspective (as I've always been "black sheep" of the family). He works for the same company as my adad and we share with each other our stories about the difficulties of our relationships with our aparents as well- but now he's considering a career change. While he loves the money and security of his job he's becoming so stressed with less time for his new family- very much like our adad.

Interesting.... I'm glad to hear these similarities... Thank you all for sharing

[SarahandSam]

Does anyone have a good story about totally supportive aparents? When I first mentioned bmum at age 9, my amum ran out of the room crying. I lost so much respect for her that day, even being so young because she made it so clear that it was all about her. Well it isn't all about her. My bmum is all about me and I deserve to be supported in my wish to know her, but amum is too busy thinking about how it affects her.

When someone says they love you, doesn't that also mean that they want you to be happy and peaceful? To know who you are? Isn';t that unconditional love? When adults turn it around on children like this, it ceases being love and starts being selfishness.

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by SarahandSam

...because she made it so clear that it was all about her.

I agree completely SarahandSam.

I always thought I was being the "selfish, self-centered, angry adoptee", until recent events with my amom made me realize that it really, truly isn't me, it's HER.

Everything that happens in our family, it's all about how it affects my amom. She even went so far recently as to say that she wishes my adad's alzheimer's would "progress as fast as possible, so she could be done with it." And I have spent my entire life feeling guilty???? If I had been more understanding, and less "hurt" about everything, that SHE would be a different person???? These recent events lead me to believe that I was right about her all along.....

Don't get me wrong, I know that a woman would grieve for the husband that "use to be". But this man has spent his entire adult life working hard to support her. Yet, on Sunday, she tells his best friend from long ago (high school) that she no longer needed to work because my dad has earned enough money over the years for her to spend now. My dad is sitting there, unable to carry on a conversation, and looking completely embarrassed because he'd just passed out in front of a large group of people just 15 minutes prior. Yet, all she can ever think about is how his alzheimer's affects "her life". And then she announces to my dad that she "hasn't gotten a hug from "a guy friend of hers" yet. So then she takes off, leaves my dad sitting there by himself, unable to converse with anyone, so she can get "her hug".

I just don't get it. She can be cold, heartless, and cruel to my father, who must be living in a complete HELL inside his head because of what he's going through and KNOWING what lays ahead for him in the future. Yet, I'm suppose to NEVER acknowledge that I am not her biological child, and NEVER acknowledge that our lives have been anything but perfect, NEVER ackowledge that I have found my bfamily, NEVER acknowledge that I have feelings about things that don't surround her 100% of the time, and ALWAYS be there to support what "SHE is going through".....

I"m sorry, I've just about had enough of her. She's never loved me. I've only been an ornament for her. On the rare occasion she is around my children, she acts like she is the BEST GRANDMOTHER in the world...yet, she doesn't know diddley squat about their lives, because she 1) never asks or 2) never listens when she's told.....

Oh, yikes. I'm so sorry for venting all of this. Yesterday was a real turning point for me regarding my amom and I'm still really shaken over the whole thing. My dad collapsed in front of me and my 18 year old daughter yesterday and we were the only ones there to take care of him. I realized during this that his life is over. I became angry with my mother's self-centered attitude later that day and just really needed vent all of this. I'm sorry if it's all muddled and doesn't make much sense. As much as I am angry with her and her selfish attitude, I can't say all these things to her and I needed to put them somewhere......

Huggs,
Raina

[rilo kiley]

Raina, Sarahandsam, and everyone- I hear you.

Oh, Raina, your post brought me close to tears and then close to such anger- because my amom is so similar. It is all about her. All of it. And I am made to be the "selfish" one, when such blatant acts of unkindness and cruelty and selfishness are made by her so frequently.

Thank you for sharing your story. It must make things a little different between you and your daughter, huh? Her seeing how your mom behaves? I am so sorry. I'm glad you've been there to catch your dad. I bet he really appreciates it, how could he not?

I guess that behavior stems from fear?? From pain? From not feeling acknowledged for their sacrifices? I don't know. But, while it brings me pain to hear these stories (that are too similar to my own) it also grants me some comfort. I thank you for your honesty.

Hugs to you all.