[JJinSanDiego]

I am a 47 year old adoptee waiting to for my bMom to respond to a letter my CI has sent (8 weeks ago).

I grew up in a "less than ideal" adoptive home and suffered many abuses. Are there others struggling to come to terms with that and others that have progressed through that? I would like a place to work through some of these issues, if there are others that want the same thing . . .

Ideally, if I do have the opportunity to have contact with my bMom, some of these issues will be processed to the point that they don't unintentionally splash on her and our reunion.

Thanks,
JJ

[wilted rose]

Hi JJ, welcome to waiting game as they call it! You mentioned about hoping to work through some past issues. When you think about the prospect of reunion what concerns you the most? I'm confident you'll find support here. My experience is simply posting my feelings as they arise, the responses have helped immensley! I've discovered much about myself and what makes me tick! So share with us, and welcome!
Rose

[JJinSanDiego]

Ok – I’m going to dive in and tell you the Reader’s Digest version of my story:

I was placed at 4 days into my adoptive home. My Father was an up and coming business man in Seattle and my Mom was a stay at home Mom that volunteered as a docent at the art museum, played ladies golf on Tuesdays and ladies bridge on Thursdays at the local country club. She really never should have been a Mom but the stigma of being childless in the 50’s was perhaps too great to bear. They adopted a boy the year before who was 18 months older than me.

At age 4 the 15 year old boy up the street molested me. When I reported this to my Mom, her response was, “that’s what boys do to little girls”. With that comment she might as well have put a sign on me that said, “come and get it”. I didn’t know I could/should say no and there was multiple abuse from multiple sources. And I have many blank spots in my memory.

In the last few years, I’ve come to suspect that perhaps my Mom caught my Dad with me. I don’t have definitive proof of this, just several puzzle pieces to where it all fits. My Mom would have a fit anytime my Dad spent any time with me – usually playing cards in the house in full view of everyone else. He and I never had any one on one time except for maybe a quick trip to the store to pick something up; I remember my Mom screaming at me, “stop competing with me” when I was about 10 but had no idea what she was talking about. After my Dad had his first heart attack again when I was 10, I was instructed not to greet him with a hug anymore as that was too hard on his heart. I don’t remember him ever initiating any of the hugs, it was always me. I also had a reoccurring nightmare from ages 4 – 8 that I now understand to have had sexual content and my Mom screaming, screaming, screaming. She would slam doors and stomp around anytime my Dad spent time with me. When my Father died when I was 13, I was left out of the family time of scattering his ashes on our beach. My Mom, brother and Godfather went down to the beach to scatter his ashes while I was left at the house to play cards with my Godfathers girlfriend. When I asked my Mom about this last year, she apologized and said it was my Godfather’s (now deceased) idea. But I’m not so sure.

My Mother was also was quite unmotherly toward me. If I was sick, she didn’t seem to ever be there. I got the proper medical treatment, but she was just absent. My pre-school illnesses never seemed to interfere with her golf, bridge or nights at the opera. When I was 12 and broke my leg, my Dad carried on with going to his football game after getting me to the clinic, Mom went off and went shopping while waiting to determine whether I would be casted or sent to Seattle for surgery. I am told this is abnormal maternal behavior, at the time I didn’t see that. At 14 when I had my first major hip surgery, my Mom took me to lunch before checking me into the hospital. She bluntly told me I might die. I was so numbed out by all that had happened in that home, I don’t think I even reacted. I just took it in stride. She signed me in and went home. I don’t know what the doctor thought about the parent not being there to hear how the surgery went. No one in my family came to see me in the 5 days I was in the hospital. The nurses were especially kind. All four of my surgeries were like this until I was 18 – then I signed myself in. No need for Mom to accompany at that point.

There is so much more, but I think this gives you a flavor of my home life. I responded by numbing out. When I was 16, my brother had graduated from high school and joined the army. My Mom met a man in a bar and moved in with him shortly thereafter. I was 16 and now had my own apartment, car, gas card and boat to play in! She would come by every Saturday and bring some groceries. Occasionally, she and boyfriend would invite me to dinner. It was a confusing time. I loved the independence, but was so incredibly lonely too. Not for my Mom per se, but for SOME one.

I dealt with all of this inner turmoil by throwing myself into full involvement in Rainbow Girls, which I had joined. I would get some small crumbs of parental involvement from the adults that were involved. One lady and her husband practically adopted me. I spent many nights on their couch after my Mom and soon to be step father had me move in with them to reduce expenses. They simply didn’t want me around.

After graduating, I found God again and threw myself into Church the same way I had thrown myself into Rainbow. I wanted to be in ministry. Eventually I ended up on a pastoral staff in Phoenix, Arizona. Many said I was a gifted minister. On my one year anniversary to beginning my ministry there, the Sr. Pastor’s wife called me early one morning to say her husband had been having an affair with another woman in the church and was leaving her. I was catapulted into the interim pastor role with a wounded congregation of 300 on my hands. By the grace of God, those seven months of ministry were blessed and I was rewarded for my “strong leadership”. All of that was to change when the new pastor came in. He had some severe ethical issues. When I reached out for help to the same leadership that had showered so many accolades on me, suddenly I didn’t have the influence I once had. Basically, I was patted on the head and told that all pastoral transitions were difficult. I didn’t have much of a choice but to resign my position. In doing that, I lost the career I thought I wanted and my community.

Spiritually, I wandered around for three years trying to find and fit into a church again. Finally, in 2001, I returned to San Diego. In 2004 I began therapy to try to deal with the feelings of wanting to die – not end my life, just die. I had no energy, didn’t want to do anything and had become very withdrawn. Therapy began to give me permission to feel things I have stuffed way down deep. My panic attacks increased as did the anxiety resulting in a full nervous breakdown in February 2005. Mother’s Day 2005, I again had the thought of trying to find my birthmother. In late February 2006, I discovered that WA State has a CI program and found the agency that handled my adoption. I received my Non-ID info in March 2006 and initiated a full search for my bMom in late March 2006. In April, who we believe to be bMom was located and the CI sent her a letter asking if she was who we thought she was. No response. In early June, a second letter was sent to her. So that’s where I am.

I obviously have a lot to work through. Oddly, the strangeness of my upbringing didn’t start registering until very recently. I always thought the whole thing was my fault and felt like a bad daughter. I’ve since come to understand that my aMom was a very troubled woman. A couple months ago she was diagnosed with cancer. That seemed to soften her some. We have a pleasant but superficial relationship. I don’t bring my strong feelings and pain into that relationship.

This is a lot to absorb, I know. I would be interested in how others got through their troubled childhoods and were able to put it behind. I have not married and don’t know that I will be able to have a healthy relationship with a man until some of the abuse issues are worked through. I am also in sort of a shut down phase. Have developed a dependence on alcohol in the last year just to not hurt so much. Step one seems to be to STOP that. Any suggestions or thoughts on any of the above are greatly appreciated.

JJ

[Toolate]

Hi JJ,
Your honesty with these troubling issues certainly puts you in the right direction to deal with them and to come to terms with the horrible things that have happened to you in your lifetime. With the neglect and cruelty you endured your entire life, I can see why you have a superficial relationship with your amom. I suppose that's a safe place to be. I too was born in the late 50s and I know things were very different then, but there is no excuse or reason by any stretch of the imagination to justify the neglect and lack of love in your life. I have read that the brain processes physical and emotional pain the same way so a common response is to find respite from the agony. Perhaps your doctor can help you with a more effective way of getting through this. I also want to give you a word of caution with your search for your bmom. Since a considerable amount of time has passed without a reply from her, it's possible that she may have no intention of coming forward at this time. Please be prepared for that, just in case. Searches and reunions are very emotional endeavors and rejection can be overwhelming. It could be even more traumatic for you at this time--while you're working with other issues from your childhood. We're here in any event and I'm hoping for a happy and fulfilling reunion for you! Rely on us! You have suffered a great deal in your childhood and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Of course none of this is your fault in anyway! Please know that! People, especially children, are not responsible for the actions of others. Nothing can percipitate such cruely, lovelessness and lack of compassion! I wish you the very best! I hope you find the love you so richly deserve!
Bob

[wilted rose]

Hi JJ, thankyou for sharing what obviously, is a very painful past. It's takes alot of courage, so you ought to be commended! I too have had an extremely difficult, rather lonely upbringing. Honestly, for me acknowledging it was step one. Realizing that even though not any of it was my fault, the pain is so deep, cuts just like a knife. Perhaps grieving the dream of what my childhood should have been, and identifying the impact all of these experiences will have on my past, present and future relationships! After all generally we perceive life based on the experiences we've had good or bad. I've sought therapy when I've needed it, the success had more to do with 'jiving' with the counsellor and using them as a sounding board for emotional processing. Working it out issue by issue, and accepting the fact that often life needs to be managed not cured. Recognizing my own insecurities in relationships, and not being so hard on myself, but rather applauding the effort in working on it'. Certainly, many of us have fallen victim to dependencies, recognizing it is a step in healing. When it comes right down to it, we owe it to ourselves to heal, however long and difficult it is, because I truly believe we can. Keep posting JJ, and know it does get better!
Many hugs,
Rose

[JJinSanDiego]

Thank you Bob and Rose for your kind feedback. I think I now may be going through "posters regret". I have this horrible shame feeling like I want to go crawl under a rock for a season of time. I've shared some of my story in therapy and also with some friends, but maybe putting it out "in public" is what is getting me. There are also some FEELINGS toward those things coming out of nowhere. I imagine that too is part of this healing ride . . .

I am feeling fairly ill at this point and will call it a night and hope for a better tomorrow.

Thanks again for your support.
JJ

[sunnyfromNY]

Hi JJ,
I understand how you can feel sorry for having told others about your horrific childhood... maybe regretful, because you're still trying to be strong to get through all that you went through.

Some women are not equipped emotionally for motherhood. I had a mother like yours. I never felt right blaming her for some of things she did... or for the things she neglected to do for me. I felt worse whenever I did. Of course it was her fault... she was the mature adult... I was only a kid, but still it felt wrong to put it into words.

Only, I found that after I did I felt better. As Rose has said, first you have to acknowledge what you went through. Some of that 'stuff' I was carrying around wasn't there to think about as often as before after I wrote it down. Oddly, some thoughts that really bothered me became less bothersome and left room for other thoughts that I had hidden away because even though they were hurtful to think about, they weren't as terrible as the thoughts that were bothering me so much before.

So, by writing it all down and sharing my neglectful mother's behavior, it lightened my load but it also taught me to say it.... to acknowledge that there was nothing I could do about it and move on. I'm not sure that abused children ever recover completely, so those of us who were abused have to find a way to live with what happened to us.

No child should be treated like you were. It wasn't your fault; you weren't mature enough, hadn't been taught enough, to do anything about it. You don't have to share more if you're not ready yet. I'm so sorry you went through what you did... but I'm glad you shared it with us.
JJ

[Toolate]

Hi again JJ,

I think it's pretty common to feel a sense of regret after opening up. Being truthful about an event in your life is simply stating what has happened and if it causes shame to anyone, it's a result of the subject matter not something you have done. It wouldn't do you any good to alter the way events took place in your life. Talking about it is good. I can understand if you don't feel comfortable discussing matters in public, but it's good to work through your feelings. Children suffer pain too often and they don't know how to deal with it. That pain grows older with us and unfortunately, it doesn't just go away. It stays with us. Talking privately with a good friend who can listen can be very beneficial. Sometimes your story just needs to be heard. It's easy, and common, to feel guilty about feelings that could be damaging to someone's character, but it's helpful to uncover them. I've tried keeping a private journal, and once I felt comfortable with it, I showed it to a friend. I truly believe that this is the first step to feeling better. Best wishes!
Bob

[Sniffles]

JJ thanks for sharing your story with us. I know it is hard to share something that personal, but it does sometimes help. I commend you for it, there are somethings that are just too painful about my childhood that I just can not bring myself to post. My a-parents were wonderful and I know that they did the best that they could, but I had a lot of issues with my brother that I think my parents just choose to ignore. I feel that they choose to ignore it in hopes that it would just go away. I remember trying to bring up the subject much later in my life and my mom claims "memory loss". So I dropped it and never brought it up again. Don't be regretful about posting it, be proud of the fact that you had the courage to do it. By the way, I was a former Rainbow Girl myself.

Angela

[aura]

JJ,

Hi hon! I just wanted you to know that I am here for you sweetie and praying for you! I commend you for telling your story and asking for help and guidance, that is not easy to do and I am proud of you hon! Just wanted you to know that!! Big

[cute]

JJ: I want to say I admire you for letting go of what has been hurting you.Sharing makes your load a bit lighter.
You also will have others who have walked in your shoes realizing that you or they were not alone.
I also agree with sunny tell what you want when you are ready.
Does anyone feel that hurtful things are kept inside as the one who has been harmed feels shamed because of it?
JJ,I for one am here to give you any support that I can...

[wilted rose]

JJ, it's been my experience when I have written something down, say in journalling, or expressed thoughts and feelings, verbally to another, or perhaps even on this support forum, I mentally 'go over it' and their have been several times it has sent me reeling! Initially, I may have felt so bad inside, shameful hurt, lonely, isolated; it has been the pain coming out, it frightened me you know. Connecting the dots so to speak... Almost every time, I would try my best to let it out ,wherever it was safe, usually I discovered that was in my own private time. I know it sounds cliche- identify, acknowledge, grieve, release, but everyone needs to find their own path to healing. These forums are a support system, and set up in such a way to accomodate most everyone; be they choose to connect daily, or with regards to particular issues and topics to share openly, private messaging, and reading others' posts and relating. We're here for you on all fronts!
Hugs'
Rose

[JJinSanDiego]

Hello All!

Thanks for the support! I'm feeling a little bit better this evening. A couple hours after I posted THAT installment of the story, the roller coaster went WAY DOWN! I think putting it out there in public made it more real instead of something that happened to someone else. And with the reality came BIG feelings. And more memories . . . uck!

I like what Rose said about not necessarily being cured but learning to manage . . . reminds me of the writings of a Christian philosopher I used to read, Francis Schaeffer who talked about "substantial healing" but not complete healing in this life.

All of you . . . Bob, Rose, Sunny, Cute, Aura and Angela were affirming to me in putting my sordid tale OUT THERE. It still feels kind of STRANGE, but I will go with the wisdom of the community for now. Don't know if I'm ready yet to put MORE stuff out there, but in a day or two I probably will.

A few of you have told me that in the telling is the lessening of the weight of the burden. Another little piece of my life begins to drop into place . . I started a graduate program in comparative literature several years ago and was attracted to a poet whose poetry was intended to be a witness to the suffering of others. She was in El Salvador in the 80s and was the editor of a anthology of "Poetry of Witness". Through poetry and the telling of stories, I saw people and nations trying to come to terms with their tragedies. Maybe that is what this forum and even thread is about - healing through telling and having others be a witness . . .and maybe that was why I was so attracted to this poet. I had my own horror that needed witnesses.

So thank you for being witness to what happened so I can move forward and heal . . . I don't want this to be just the JJ hour, so if others need this space to share, I so want them to. The more healing, the better.

Much appreciation!
JJ

[JJinSanDiego]

Hi Rose,

We were posting at the same time! Thanks again for your insights. I like your "cliche" share openly, private messaging, and reading others' posts and relating. And I am so grateful for the support you and others are offering . . . JJ

[cute]

Rose: Good post!!! I agree the more we let out the healing will begin....thank you for a very good post...