[healingfeeling]

janiej,

the photo is of the Napali Coastline in Kauai, Hawaii. I got engaged in Kauai on January 29th. Just imagine being there in person...the photo is great, being there IS magnificent!!

[janiej]

WOW !!!!! And congratulations too !!!!When's the wedding ? Are we invited ?

[healingfeeling]

well if all goes as planned...we are eloping next spring in St. Lucia...and it will we have it digital online...so in a sense you are invited!! wanna be a bridesmaid...just a nice excuse to get dressed up...

the wedding is another issue with my reunion...my mother won't go if my bdad is invited...so that's why we're eloping.

drama!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cute]

JJ: You started this post and have received so much from others who feel just as you do.As Jane said even b/mothers go through the past when reunion occurs.
Shef: I am impressed with your posts.you are so into it,I get it when you write.Lots and lots of support here just as I knew you would find...you are not alone nor are you crazy....LOL...all very normal....Hope your evening goes well and the rats do not get into the wine and cheese.

[JJinSanDiego]

Healing . . . so sorry you have "drama" to mess with your wedding plans! I always thought if I married, I would elope too . . . my amom is SO unpredictable that I always feared what she would do at my wedding. Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with that one. But eloping always sounded like a good idea to me. I hope it turns out just the way you want!!

Well the reception with the lab rats turned out great! Some how there was enough adult in me to welcome everyone, make sure everyone was enjoying themselves, getting enough to eat & drink. The party was a hit & a good time was had by all. Whew!! The old girl can STILL be an "older" girl when need be!

The last few weeks have been some of the least productive in my career! I used to be a highly functioning, competent, often recognized employee. Now sometimes I sit behind my desk and feel like i'm four years old and just feel OVERWHELMED!! I can barely turn out the work. Right now I'm trying to pull off a last minute grant that has some complex financial details to wade through. It is almost too much. But I slog away.

It has been SO HELPFUL to know that others struggle with anxiety, panic attacks and child feelings. I have dealt with all of those things in the last few weeks. It has had a calming effect to realize so many in our predicament and even from different sides of the triad deal with the same thing! I was a bit calmer today - not freaked out by the child feelings, more accepting.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have all of you sharing your experiences. And so many of you have given so much to me behind the scenes. I think a difference between today and yesterday is that I now HAVE HOPE that this is just part of the process. You just need to go THROUGH it. It was when I thought I was the only one that had me so frightened. The anxiety is still there, but much less knowing this is a commonly traveled road.

So THANK YOU!!



JJ

[cute]

Shef: I am impressed with your posts.you are so into it,I get it when you write.Lots and lots of support here just as I knew you would find...you are not alone nor are you crazy....LOL...all very normal....Hope your evening goes well and the rats do not get into the wine and cheese.
I wrote this in my last post and must get things straight.
I was telling shef how much I get from her posts...the rest was for JJ/ not you shef as it is JJ that I have personal contact with....good grief knew these old brains were not the best....sorry shef I did not mean you,and JJ would understand what I meant...right JJ????

[JJinSanDiego]

Yes, Cute, I understood!! Shef might have been wondering what you were doing giving HER lab rats and then telling her she's doing OK and NOT crazy!! hehehehe!!

No worries, Shef!! I'm the one with the lab rats, who thought she was going crazy and now STILL have lab rats but know I'm NOT crazy!! Does THAT make you feel better??? It's Friday, so I'm feeling a little playful!!

Cute, thank you for your AWESOME support!! Many, many HUGS for you . . .

How's everyone else doing around here??

TGIF!!!!!

JJ

[healingfeeling]

good morning all


Friday is definitely a good day! I was up with nightmares last night...so finally got out of bed and started up the coffee...coffee is a good thing

I'm so glad the rats enjoyed the party JJ! You pulled it off

anyone else here have nightmares...?

[JJinSanDiego]

Hey Healing,

Did the nightmares make any sense to you? Connected with anything that's going on now?

Yeah, I do have nightmares sometimes. Probably comes with the territory of anxiety, panic attacks and visiting all of this STUFF!! I woke up upsidedown in my bed a few nights ago . . . don't know what THAT was about, though my world has felt pretty upsidedown, so maybe my body wanted to sleep in sinc with all of the emotions!!

I'm so glad you're on this thread . . . JJ

[healingfeeling]

I woke up upsidedown in my bed a few nights ago . . . don't know what THAT was about

hahahahahaha!!!! isn't it strange when that stuff happens???

Did the nightmares make any sense to you? Connected with anything that's going on now?

well a friend of mine was drugged, raped and left naked in a public park last week...I just heard the details yesterday and I just kept dreaming that someone was in my bed (besides me and my fiance) and was grabbing at me....it may relate to some past experiences of mine....hence the title of the thread...

[JJinSanDiego]

THAT would DEFINITELY cause some nightmares - ESPECIALLY if you have anything remotely violent like that in your past . . . Many hugs to you! TOUGH stuff to deal with!!

[wilted rose]

JJ glad things turned out well for ya', as I was reading your post I can well relate when I'm going through some heavy times, I am literally exhausted! Emotional 'stuff' just seems to take alot out of us. There have been times I rarely can deal with everyday tasks you know? But I remind myself all things are temporary and this too shall pass!
Hf, I would imagine nghtmares could be the order of the day with such unsettling news, Wow! Hopefully, in a little while this will subside, not fun!
Hugs,
Rose

[jeanniejbo]

Hey JJ, (long post so here we go!)

I have been reading your post for awhile and had kept quiet for awhile because i have a lot of opinions about afamilies. Also I didn’t really want to confront a whole lot of my past. I had posted a reply on a different post- “Did you believe them? What were your first beliefs?” So if you want to read on my 3 posts on there you would understand where I come from.

I feel you on your post. I can relate and share some of the feelings you have. I am sorry that you had to go through all of that. I don’t think that it is fair for you to go through it or anyone else. There are many others who have gone through the same experiences and some of them are my friends. We are 'messed up' but we are trying to work our ways through it. I see you have a lot of support here, and that is great. I don't meet in person too many people who do understand. My fiancé doesn't understand the things I went through- and I half way don't think he believes me, not because he thinks I am a liar- but because he is just in awe that little kids went through all of that. You will get plenty of support from this forum and I hope we can also share our opinions and feelings. You are very courageous for opening yourself here and being very open minded. You being open really does encourage others to open up also.



I would like to share with you my past, and hopefully we can bounce back and forth on the things we feel and share.



The background is-I was adopted I think at eight months in the Philippines. I don’t have real information on my birth information. I didn’t find out that I was adopted until I was 19. My adad is American and he married a Filipina. They had a bio-son-Chad. They were in the Navy stationed in PI for two years. Then they moved back to the states.



From the beginning I was treated very differently. I was treated very much like an outsider to the family since I was young. My amom was crazy. She raised me strict Filipina like – I washed cloths in the bathtub before I could use the washing machine, stuff like that. I was second around the house, because men were more ‘important’ than women. We had to cook and clean around my adad and Chad. I hated it.



The earliest things I remember about my childhood was ****ty. I remember my amom threatening me that I could never come out of my room. She was horrible girl. Litterally a monster. In elementary she constantly beat me. A regular day for me: I would get up for school and I would go in the kitchen to eat breakfast. She would come out and stare at me the whole time. And yell at me how I did something wrong either last night, last week, last month, last year. I remember one time I threw up my cereal because I guess I was sick. She made me eat my throw up. She said I was wasting her cereal. Then I would run to my room and she would follow me and still be ranting. I would get ready while she yelled and I got so used to it, that I would I would pretend that I was actually scared of her. Then I would go to the front door so I could go out to the bus stop. She would keep yelling. Then a minute before the bus would come I would run out to the bus stop. I cried all the time she would yell at me. When I came home from school, it would take me 20-30 minutes from getting in the door. I would go up to the door and touch the door 50 times and pull my hand away because I was scared. I knew she was at the other end waiting for me. I would walk up and down the street coaching myself that one day my life would be better and that things would get better. Finally when I did have the courage to go through that door- she would be there. With anything in her hand. Belt, dog’s chain, anything. She would beat me for up to two hours or if anybody came home. She would really beat me and yell at me for being a liar, a stealer, a thief, a dishonest person. Anything. She would blame the whole world on me. She’d hit me so hard and so long that my body just got numb. When I finally was able to go to my room, that’s where I stayed. I had no life, no friends. I didn’t go to sleepovers, or have play dates. I dealt with her. Periodically she would come in my room and yell at me for something. When dinner came around, she would yell ‘time to eat.” I hated that time because I knew what was coming. When I would eat, she would be fixing the dog’s dinner. I ate with the dog. I didn’t eat when she, my father, or ‘chad’ ate. I ate after them. Rarely with them. Usually during the week Chad and my adad weren’t home. My afather worked in another state and so he was only home during the weekends. Chad was always out. ‘Chad’ is three years older than me. He took advantage of what was happening to me. He got away with everything. He even beat me. He treated me like he was the king and I was a slave. I constantly was demanding me to do things. If he said to bring him the faucet so he can wash his hands, I had to somehow.So it was constantly just me and her. I used to just stuff all the food in my mouth as fast as I could. Because if I ate fast, I used to think that maybe she would let me go back to my room fast. But usually didn’t happen. Close to me finishing my meal. She would pull out the fly swatter, the meat pounder, a fork, the dog’s chain again, or what ever and hit me. I don’t know why. Maybe I did something bad in school or whatever. It HURT a lot. But I took it. Half of the time I didn’t pay attention, just cried and imagined that I was in another life. Crying was a way that really helped me. I just cried. And cried. And got hit. Sometimes I had to eat dog food because I was a bad girl. It hurt! Still does. But I took it. She used to ask so many questions while beating me. Why was I making her do this to me. Why was I a bad girl. Why the crap was I crying. Crying won’t help me get out of this. I always used to blubber out some response. But it never helped. She would just hit harder because I made something up. I have no clue. Then I would run off into my room and a lot times she’d beat me up so much that I ended up into the door or the dog’s bed or in some corner. I was scared to go to sleep because she often came in my room and scream more or hit me. School for me was the time I had contact to other people. It was bad because I acted up in school because I guess I was going through a crazy life and I didn’t know how to not act up. I used to go through kids lunches and eat it if she didn’t give me food the day before. Or I used to beat up kids. Or steal books or other stuff. So I was a bad kid in school. But I didn’t know what to do. Doing all of that made it worse at home, because I just got beat anyways. I used to steal books, because I felt like that when I read I was in a different world. They didn’t understand that I stole those books because they helped me and took me to a different life. They made sence to me. I was such a smart girl because I would read big huge books in 3rd grade. I used to show up at school with bruises and a teacher called social services once. My mom said I fell or something. I had to lie to the woman because I was scared of what was going to happen. So I lied. That night the social services went away I really got wacked. The weekends were much different. My dad would come home. She would hide what she was doing. When my dad would go into the shower because they would be out for the whole day so he was getting ready. She would come to my room and take off her slipper and climb up on the bunk bed and hit me with her slippers and said that if I came out of my room I would get beaten when she came back. She said that she would know that I came out because there were cameras in the house monitering me. if my dad turned off the shower she would get off my bed and go to the door and close it half way. Then when my dad turned back on the shower she would open the door again and get back on the bunk bed and hit me with the slipper. If I went to the far end she would constantly move so she could reach me. I got to the point that I would come out of room and eat and watch every move that I would do outside of that room. If I watched tv, I made sure of what the channel it was on or the one that it used to be on and make sure I left it like that. I never opened up unopened food or ate last chip in the bag. Because those were sure clues that I came out of my room. She would intentionly leave things around the house that were messed up so she could catch me out of my room. I knew my neighbors from outside of my bedroom window. I would get on the window sill and talk to them outside of my window. I didn’t meet them face to face for a long time. They would invite me places but I was too scared to to ask my parents to go. Then they would know I was talking to them. I think they knew what was happening. But they never helped me. They never rescued me. It hurt that people didn’t care. One time she made me sleep in the bathtub because I peed in my bed. I wasn’t trained or used to not peeing in the bed until I was almost 8. So she gave me a blanket and told me to sleep in the bath tub. The bathroom was dark with no windows. If chad had to pee- he did it right in front of me. But you know what- I had so much imagination because I had no life. I would pretend that I was in another life and I used to dream of having a child and how I would treat them. I knew what I wanted to do in life because of the crap I went through. I was 7 and I knew what I wanted to do in my life. A lot of times I wasn’t allowed to wear clothes. So I was in my room naked a lot. Sometimes I would have to be in my room hiding. The bed was near my wall and their was a little space between the bed and wall. Small. I would sit in between there and either read, or really talk to myself or cry. I remember she mopped over me one time. She was mopping the floor and she mopped right up on me like I wasn’t there. She was yelling at me the whole time. I remember I told her that I hated her. She beat me that day. She choked me so hard that I was gasping on the floor and struggling to breath. She said I had no right to hate her. They chad came in there and beat the crap out of me until I ended up in the **** closet. My dad did beat me, but nothing too bad. It was only when I deserved it when I did something bad school or when my mom said he wasn’t disiplinging me enough. But chad used to beat me a lot. I remember he punched me so hard in the stomach and I was struggling to breath. When I was 12 he took advantage of me and raped me. I had no clue what he wanted. But he told me to go in his room. And I went in. He told me what to do. And I did it. I didn’t know what he was going to do. I didn’t want him to do it. But he did. I often blame myself for that because I went in there. After that he would corner me when my parents weren’t home and force me to do stuff. Or late at night he would come in my room and touch me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I hat him and I often try to stop myself calling him ‘my brother’. He is now a heroine addict and in out of jail.



My teenage years it got a little better. I had freedom and my mother and I actually started talking. The physical abuse stopped. But I still had moments where things would go really bad. I couldn’t really talk to my mom and we would argue and fight because I couldn’t let go the **** I went through. But I had a little bit of freedom. Chad wouldn’t stop but he eventually stopped bother ing me around 15/16. but then I met my fiancé at 14. He is African American and they didn’t like him. They were racists people and I really believe that they were scared that I would get close to him and I would tell him how things were. Evetually it the relationship I built up with my mom broke apart when she found out I was dating ‘Dan.’ She said everything about my relationship. She said she would disown me for dating a ‘n word’ and that I was nobody. Everything she said as a child, she started saying again. I was nobody, I will be nobody, and I will be worse than trash since I am with a black person. Though I was ‘staying’ with them. I often slept at friends or cousins houses to escape the abuse again. She would constantly yell at me. Hit me. Slap me. Do anything. Chad was constantly drunk so he would get into fights with me. My dad still did nothing. She even cut me off from their food and said that I don’t need to eat their food. So I go skinny again. I didn’t eat and I would cry so often at work. In high school I would work so much. School 7am-12:30. I would work at boston market from 1:30-11:30 just so not to be at home. I hate being at home. I hated it. I couldn’t sleep at the house. She would yell at me for anything again. I turned beack into a little girl. I just took it, and cried. I hated everytning. I lost my friends and a life because I was so mad at the world. I still have babez but he didn’t understand what I was going through. I would be sleeping and she would throw bowls and crap at me while I tried to sleep. I eventually moved out a few days of graduating high school. I ended up moving back and forth between states. I even lived on the streets for awhile. I had no where to go and my friends who I thought were my friends didn’t want to deal with me. they were having a great time in life. My babez was the only one who stuck it through with me. I even tried to establish a relationship with them and tried to live with them once I found out I was adopted. Because of all the **** I been through I have to be thankful they pulled me out of the Philippines. I thought they would appreciate it that I was to forgive them and work things out. Still didn’t. When I moved it, and she found out I was still with my babez she got crazy again. She gave my father an ultimatem. Either her or i. I moved out.



Now I am in the process of getting a relationship back to gether. I don’t know why. Maybe because I want to know my birthfamily and the only way is through them. I needed money for school and they signed for a loan. I don’t live with them and never will. I will keep my distant. It is funny because they act now as if they are willing to give me what ever I want or need. They try to act as if nothing ever happened. I don’t bring up the past, but I sure do want to. I am just not sure how, when, and how it will turn out. I don’t want to go through rejection and them acting as if **** never happened. They did everything for their bson and now he is in and out of jail and hooked on drugs. I think they are looking at me for their only way out. But I don’t plan on doing anything for them. I also prolly will never tell on chad but I have been asked that.



I have some friends who think that I am the most selfish witch out here because I care not for Chad or forgiving my aparents. I can only say that –if you were me and went through it all would you want to?



The relationship I have with her today is pleasant and superficial. ----------When you said that- totally feel you on that. That is how my mother is. Do you plan on asking or talking about your past one day before she passes away? I would very much like to but I know it would be like opening a can of worms.



Its funny because I have been a support group and they tell me I am such a strong girl. For only being 21 now and I am trying to work through it when it was only a few years ago this was going on. But I am optimistic that maybe I will get something out of this. That is why I am harsh on bmomz. (if you read my other posts) because a lot times do bmothers give up their children thinking the life is going to be gravy? Do they think about what things could be, worse way around?



I never went into therapy for it (the support group I was in was for the rape). I try to talk to my babez, but he doesn’t really understand and never will. He had a great life. I have only recently started the forums, and that’s how I came across the adoption forums. Luckily I haven’t abused drinking and drugs. I saw how chad was getting and there was no way I was going to get like that. He is over the top always drunk and high on something. I used to drink and smoke weed when I was younger but I never got hooked or got bad to the point that I was needing aa. I did go through the party time at age 15 and drinking and throwing up . but after awhile, I got tired of that life and changed. So that’s why I am hard on birth mothers. Because I’ve been through **** and a whole lot more than I can ever fit on a forum. I know others that don’t give up on their children, or hurt themselves because of the situations out there. I just don’t understand why people do this to innocent kids. And why do people who know what is going on- let it?



On this post and on others I sound angry. I don’t mean to be. And I didn’t mean for this post to get long. I just got into and and was typing like a mad man. I want to feel like this forum is safe and hopefully we can sooth sores aways like heartbeat said.



Sometimes I do have episodes because it wasn’t but like 3 years ago I was going through this. The other day I was watching the gladiator. I don’t know why but I cry at that movie when he is reaching for his son at the end. I don’t know what happen. But started crying and started remembering things that I went through. And I couldn’t sleep. I cried for 3 hours until my babez came and got me and I fell asleep in his arms. I couldn’t stop the thoughts in my mind. I haven’t had episodes like that in a long time, but I did and it sucked. I ended up falling asleep around 5in the morning.



Anyways JJ

I wanted to share my story with you only because hearing other stories help you deal. At least with me it does. Also talking your story helps too. I like to connect with people who know what it is like to go through things as I do.



Good luck with your search, I hope you really find your bfamily.



HUUUUUGS! Nxt time not so long!